i am a questioning complex dissociative disorder system. trauma-based. my posts will be through that lens. if you find value in them, you can interact at your own risk of being blocked.
that does go for endogenic systems as well. if you find value in my posts, i'm not going to block you or get upset solely on the basis of being endogenic. don't speak over me, and i won't speak over you.
occasionally i will engage in "respectful" syscourse, however my official stance on endogenic systems is i don't know and frankly it's not even on my top 10 most important things to worry about. not because i'm not educated enough on the community or their experiences, i'm decently well-versed in both sides of the endogenic "debate", but because i'm not a psychology professional nor am i an endogenic system. i engage with it only when i feel i could possibly provide value to the conversation, which is rarely. i will tag all syscourse #tw syscourse.
as of making it, this is intended to be a mostly a sfw blog. 99% of the time, minors can interact. if i don't want minors interacting with a specific post, i will tag #minors dni as the first tag.
if i do not like you, i will simply block you. no harm done. i won't harass you, don't harass me.
about me
you can just call me dissociablues. i'm a young adult and i live in the united states. i use she/her pronouns.
i am looking into leaving my parents' house. if you think you know me, no you don't. the details i choose to share about that situation are my decision and my decision only. i am actively being traumatized and have been for a long fucking time, everything i do and say is through that lens.
i am also disabled with moderate support needs. that affects my entire situation. i have the kind of disability you can't just push through to survive. disabled people regularly do die because they can't do something, whether that be care for themselves, work, move, speak, etc etc etc etc. my #1 priority is survive.
regarding the dissociative disorder thing, it's complicated. i don't have access to a specialist right now. trauma work is not very effective until you are actually truly safe and that's not a simple thing to achieve. i am currently diagnosed with autism, complex ptsd, ocd, adhd, major depressive disorder, and a few others not worth mentioning. medically recognized trauma-based dissociation, but i'm not in a safe place to unpack it. i believe there may be a plural dissociative disorder going on, but again... active trauma makes that hard to determine. i am somewhat familiar with plurality as a concept and the community through previous friends. things may change. please be patient with me.
tags:
#personal vent -> personal vent post.
#original me -> non-vent original post.
#plural me -> any personal post about plurality, complex dissociative disorders, etc. vents, accomplishments, anything.
#relatable 2 me -> reblog of something that is relatable to me regarding mental illness, trauma, etc.
#validating 2 me -> reblog of something that is validating to me regarding mental illness, trauma, etc.
#advice 4 me -> reblog of advice i want to save regarding mental illness, trauma, etc.
#save 4 later -> reblog of any resources/links/etc i want to come back to for whatever reason.
-> both reblogs and original posts will also be trigger tagged as #tw (trigger).
asks are welcome, but i delete them at my own discretion if i don't like them.
i think i have to wash (/retire) my service dog in training to leave my parents. i don't see a legal, logistical, or ethical way around it.
personal vent under read more. tw for discussing logistics of escaping abuse in relation to leaving animals behind.
she legally belongs to them, if i tried to take her the law would side with them, and i doubt i'm gonna have the money to properly care for her at baseline, let alone if i need trainers or emergency vet or anything... and i certainly wouldn't be able to afford lawyers and legal fees and shit if (when) my parents wanted to try to get her back, even if i could win a case based on her being a service dog.
and ultimately. it's an ethics thing.
she will be happier with them. i know she loves me. but i think she can stand to lose me and deal with that easier than losing her home, losing financial stability, losing her relationship with our other dog and my parents and my sister... she has a beautiful yard, comfy places to sleep everywhere, plenty of food and treats and toys, another healthy and safe dog to live with, so many people who love her so much... that's what she needs. and deserves. i can't provide as much as they can. she has to be a dog before she can be a service dog.
and i still don't know if i'm gonna immediately land somewhere with a roof over my head or if i'm gonna homeless for a bit. i'm certainly not taking her to be homeless. no shame to anyone who does do that, but my parents aren't hurting her (sort of just me), she's still very cared for, and i know she will continue to be happy and healthy as long as she has the stability my family can give her. i can't give her concrete stability. certainly not immediately after leaving my parents' house. i can't give her the best. my parents probably won't give her the best either, but at least better than i could give her independently.
she's an amazing dog with an incredible temperament and very healthy, i'm sure she could handle a lot of situations, but i don't want to put her in situations just because she can.
i would obviously prefer it if she didn't lose anyone at all. but if i leave... it has to be secretive and it has to be a cut-off situation, at least for a little bit.
maybe i will feel comfortable enough to reach out and i will see her again someday. she's my soul dog. she's the dog of all dogs. she's perfect. i wish it didn't have to be this way.
i wish there was another way. there isn't. i've been going through it over and over again in my head and trying to do research but there is no way. she can't come with me, and i don't know if i can justify the emotional cost of staying here just for her.
It really does say a lot about how romanticized and theatricized alters are online when people go into denial or feel isolated for displaying the most textbook DID/OSDD symptoms.
Not knowing who's fronting, not knowing how many alters you have, not knowing when you switch, not knowing alters' names or why they formed, alters not having names, having no internal world or a very vague one, having no internal communication, struggling with external communication, experiencing alters as different overlapping states of self instead of separate people, hell even just experiencing amnesia.
These are all extremely common symptoms of DID/OSDD, especially when you're untreated or early in treatment. And yet they're all common reasons for why people feel like they don't belong in this community, because the reality of this disorder somehow doesn't conform to the online expectation.
How bad is the state of CDD awareness, even among those who proclaim to have it, that the most common manifestations of DID/OSDD are so underdiscussed that the majority of people with these conditions cannot find understanding even in a community meant for their disorder? When anything that doesn't play into the "alters are separate people and friends in your head" narrative is ignored and erased?
I feel like I'm progressively losing my mind logging on to Tumblr and seeing people say things like "wow, I wish we knew how splitting and switching worked, too bad DID is so under researched :("
My friend. Respectfully. We know both of those things.
We know way more about DID than the internet would lead you to believe. We know how DID forms initially, how alters split afterwards, what happens on a psychological and neurobiological level when switching, we know what kinds of trauma will cause DID and what kind of trauma cause specific alter types, we know what leads to specific presentations of DID, we know how DID presents across the lifespan, so on and so forth.
Basically all of this stuff is covered in the theory of structural dissociation. You know, that scientific theory everyone loves to name drop but no-one actually reads? You should read it. Find a PDF of The Haunted Self or Coping With Trauma-Related Dissociation. You will find basically everything you want to know.
DID was first added to the DSM-III in 1980 (although under a different name). But we've been studying dissociative personality systems since the early 1900s, and even that was based on earlier work in related areas. The theory of structural dissociation is essentially a compilation of all the research on trauma and dissociation from the past century, and it has been continuously expanded upon and validated by modern day research involving things like neuroimaging techniques. The references section of The Haunted Self alone is 48 pages long.
There is so much research out there. There is so much information publicly shared by credible professionals that can educate you on this disorder. Don't just assume we don't know the answers to your questions if you haven't even checked if the answers are out there.
Of course we don't know everything. But DID is certainly not this completely mystical disorder that no-one understands.
[a non-definitive list of things I wish I had known in early CDD system discovery]
When you are first discovering your system, or are just finding out you have some form of CDD [complex dissociative disorder], things can be really confusing and scary. Memories and Alters may surface, you might get more dissociative symptoms [or become aware of them], and just a bunch more that adds to a feeling of disorientation with your own life and identity. Things are uncertain and stressful, but I assure you, everything is okay and you will come out on top of things safely!
In the beginning of rediscovering my own system in 2021, I was really lost because I didn't turn to the internet for resources or go to professionals for help. I was almost entirely in the blind when I was getting to know my system! I didn't interact with any other systems or seek out CDD specific advice and care until December of 2023. That's all to say I was in a similar position as you may be. I was quite lost, confused, and scared as I was coming to terms with the fact that I, as an alter, did not have full control over the body and what we did, and that my memory could, and had, fail me. It was just an uncertain time, but now that I'm into recovery, I know that there are things that would've helped me going into system discovery...
If you're an already discovered system [i.e. you already know and have established contact], maybe you will learn something new or maybe you will come out with a new outlook on something! Or it might not help at all! Which is okay because everyone is different!
That being said... Strap in! this post is EXTREMELY long!
[this is not an understatement- this post is criminally long]
Notes : Before I jump into the numerous points of this post, I have to preface this post with the fact of this post may be discouraging at times. I'm being so serious, but in my opinion, this post has important points. The only issue is that what I'm saying can come across as negative or fakeclaim-y, but I am not fake claiming anyone in this post! Do not take what I say personally!! I don't know who's reading this! You could be my best friend or a stranger from across the world! So you have to remember to take things with a grain of salt because, as you'll see immediately in the first point you know you better than anyone else does. I do not know you personally, nor do I know your system or situation. Take what resonates with you, and leave the rest, if that makes sense? Just hear me out before you dismiss this post as not worth your time.
Now we can actually get into the post!
-> DO NOT LET SOCIAL MEDIA WARP YOUR PERCEPTION OF CDDS OR YOUR SYSTEM
This is more a warning than the rest of this post because this is THE MOST important part of early system discovery. While I did not personally engage in most social medias during my own system discovery, this is a point I know will be important for others, especially those in early system discovery... But what do I mean by this?
Well, for starters, this is the main reason why a lot of systems struggle with validating themselves and their system. It is not healthy to compare your system to other systems. It is not healthy to look at other systems, not relate, and think that somehow means you're not a 'real system'. While sharing experiences and discussing your system, as well as listening to the experiences of other systems, is beneficial, comparing yourself to other systems will make you feel like shit. This is where a majority of posts dealing with invalidity come from. You let the internet and misinformation to shape how you view systemhood as a whole.
The notion that a large alter count is invalid is from social media.
The notion that a system is 'too complex' is from social media.
The notion that there is such a thing as too many introjects is from social media.
Seriously, I could go on. These do not matter at all, and those are not the only examples I have seen [just the most common]. Having a complex system, being introject heavy, and/or having a large system are all seen in scientific material, so the notion that it somehow makes you invalid is based in comparison and social media misinformation. You need to keep your head on your shoulders when interacting with social media, or you will damage your relationship with systemhood. Not to mention, you may internalize misinformation!
For some, not comparing themselves to others is MUCH easier said than done. I used to be one of those people! And I still am sometimes! but that's something I am working on. Which... For the sake of not only you as an alter, but also your system, I am seriously suggesting you to work on validating yourself via self help or a therapist. From one system to another, working on this will limit your denial phases and imposter syndrome. Like I said before, I'm a chronic compare-er, but when I learned to validate myself and my system, I no longer go through denial phases as a collective. Self Validation is the biggest key to flourishing as not only as a system, but also a key to thriving in life. Obviously validation from other's isn't harmful in any capacity and is very much required to flourish as a person too, but you seriously shouldn't give a fuck about people online who try to invalidate your system or system structure. Let me repeat that in a more direct way...
YOU KNOW YOU BETTER THAN SOME ASSHOLE ON THE INTERNET.
You know you even better than me too! Obviously!
With self validation, I will not leave you empty handed because simply saying "do this" is not enough for this point. I'll give you a few links and resources that will help kickstart your journey into self validation while discovering your system.
Here's my self-help link masterlist for self validation [this is a link]
-> POINT ONE ALSO INCLUDES AVOIDING SYSCOURSE.
I cannot stress how bad syscourse is for you, especially in early system discovery. From what I have seen from the very few syscourse blogs I follow, as well as mutuals and friends i talk to, it is draining and harmful for your mental health. I don't personally believe in engaging with syscourse, so I avoid it when I can- maybe I'll read a post or two, but I don't throw myself or system into it. I can imagine debating can be fun, but most syscourse is not real debating. Emphasis on *most* because I have seen real debate in syscourse spaces. Sadly though, the majority of posts I see within syscourse tags are either riddled with misinformation- from both of the sides of syscourse- or are filled with unwarranted vitriol [again, from both sides]. Not to mention the MANY posts of well researched systems just tiredly correcting the same things over and over and over again. My advice? Ignore it! Just stick to the silly memes, text posts, ask games, and informational posts. If later, when you feel more secure in your system and you want to engage with it, I support that! Just avoid it in the beginning.
-> Trauma is the response to the event, NOT the event
Thankfully, I've seen this talked about more than once in the system community, but I think it's important to talk about this here too. In order to explain this point properly, we have to discuss what trauma is. So... what is trauma?
" [Psychological] Trauma is the unique individual experience of an event or enduring conditions, in which: 1. The individual's ability to integrate his/her emotional experience is overwhelmed, or 2. The individual experiences (subjectively) a threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity. (Pearlman & Saakvitne, 1995, p. 60) " [source]
What does this mean in the context of CDDs?
For one, a lot of systems have a hard time seeing certain traumas as traumatic for whatever reason, and for two, it's important to be reminded of this fact when going through system discovery. It's very common to be dissociated from all or most of your trauma in some fashion, whether it be emotional amnesia or black out amnesia. That means it doesn't 'feel' traumatic or there just isn't anything there. As you go through system discovery, its very highly likely that you, or your alters, will uncover trauma of some kind. Whether it be examples of emotional neglect or specific traumas, but sometimes it can be hard to accept that it was trauma or that you went through whatever. It's also common for people to misconstrue that trauma is a specific type of event when it just. is not. A lot of things can be traumatic, and someone's reaction to the same trauma will even be different.
TW: Car Crash talk, but nothing graphic.
I'll give you an example. Imagine four people got into a car crash together. Each person will have a unique response to that event. The driver becomes deeply traumatized and can never step foot in a car, the front passenger finds a weird thrill in it and seeks out similar experiences, back passenger one is traumatized but able to work through it, and the final passenger walks out fine, with no trauma. This is an example of that fact- that everyone reacts differently to the same or a similar event. One person can be deeply traumatized by, let's say, bullying, but another person may learn how to not care about what people think.
Trauma is unique to you, and you alone. What you find traumatic will not be exactly the same as another person.
I will say there are exceptions I can think of where it is always traumatic for a child, but it applies there too. Each child's response to a certain trauma is unique. This point kind of lines up perfectly with the next point because the very common misconception that trauma IS the event is built in misinformation and social media comparison [there it is again].
-> You should do your own research, but keep in mind some of the information you will find about CDDs may be outdated or filled with misinformation.
This is also important when you're getting to know your system because the first step to system discovery is doing research on your diagnosis or suspected disorder. It can help with validation because it is an external source of it! Seeing a medical paper or article that describes symptoms that align with yours is super validating! Not to mention seeing more than just one? It's amazing how much it truly helps with validation! HOWEVER. I would also extend your research into other dissociative disorders [such as DR/DP, P-DID, OSDD etc], as well as Maladaptive Daydreaming, since you may find co-morbidities or that your experience lines up better with another disorder. This is not to say you AREN'T a system, but it is an important point to bring up. It can just be that you have a different type of system than you thought! For example, believing you're an OSDD system, only to discover with research that your experience aligns more with DID.
This leads into the fact that when you're doing research on DID or any other of the CDDs that exist, you are likely to encounter misinformation, whether it be outdated information in articles or reading something on tumblr that just isn't factual! This can be confusing and mess up your ideas on what a system might look like or present as. It can even affect how you view your own system! That's why you have to do your own research! Researching can even bring validation to your experience when you research CDDs!
I will provide a few cursory resources that you may want to read as you begin researching! Keep in mind that these links do NOT account for full, proper research. This is just your kickstart!
Here's the masterlist of cursory DID research links [this is a link]
I will also add that looking into other's experience with CDDs is also a part of research! It's important to look into the experiences of other systems, but keep in mind the first point regarding self validation and comparison.
-> Identity, even in CDDs, is fluid.
A very basic and simple sum up of what DID is:
DID is the result of an inability to integrate the facets of an individuals personality during early childhood, usually due to multiple trauma-based reactions [such as neglect, abuse, natural disaster, war and other adverse experiences].
(Thank u Circ for ur help!!)
... and why do I bring this up?
Within a person who has integrated, and therefor does not have a CDD, those facets all still exist. The only difference is that they are more cohesive and as one, but all the facets are are still there. Identity within EVERYONE is fluid. Things change for even singlets! As you grow as a person, your identity shifts to reflect what you have learned. Like someone might find a gender identity they hadn't heard of that feels just right or they come across a new term that fits them better than the previous one- or they use it for a while and feel it doesn't fit them in the end. Things like this happen to everyone, including individual alters. This means you may have an alter that identifies as one gender, one sexuality, and it may change- that can be REALLY confusing as you're discovering your system because you may assume that it's a new alter all together, when it isn't.
Why I wish I knew this in early system discovery is because it would've saved me A LOT of headache when trying to log and keep track of alters. It can get really draining when you assume that every little identity shift is a new alter when it just simply is not. Sometimes it is, especially in systems where the alters present as very similar to each other, but I would stick to assuming they are not an alter until proven otherwise. This really only applies when you think you are a new alter, and not when it is through internal communication because, in my opinion, internal communication is more reliable when you're tracking alters. It's good to have an alter to 'back you up' so to speak, but it won't always be like that, especially in the beginning. This kind of leads me into my next point of this point [haha... point-ception].
-> System Discovery, and systemhood, in general, is a lot of guesstimations [guess work].
I just recently saw a post about this in the CDD tags. I actually think it's by the same author of the tumblr post I linked, but I wanted to elaborate and go into it in my own perspective. A lot of discovering your system is guess work and reading 'vibes'. This applies to a lot of aspects of systemhood- from an alter's identity to you're headcount [which I will get to later in this point]. It makes everything extremely confusing, meaning it can cause you to feel confused and discouraged, and memories that surface may seem unreal. When it comes to validating yourself and your system, you need to keep in mind that, once again, you know you better than someone else. Sometimes, there won't be external validation for things that come up with your system, such as memories that seem to have 'no evidence', but my therapist gave me some advice for this; if it's affecting you as if it's real, it's best to treat it like it is. This applies to things like body and other flashbacks. Maybe even extending to you thinking you may have a system! You have to learn to validate from the inside to know that, regardless of if it's ""real"" or not, it affects you. Does that make sense? If not I can make a follow up post to better clarify.
I mentioned headcount, and I do want to elaborate on that especially. Your Alter count is a huge amount of guess work, and is never really "concrete". You will never know cut and dry the amount of alters in your system because things fluctuate and identity is fluid. You will likely see people with a listed, exact alter count, and while that is there lived experience, things even change with people you see on the internet.
-> Alters can lie
This one is possibly the most discouraging part of this post, but a very important point to bring up. Alters, despite being the result of a failure to integrate as a child, are very much like their own people [at least, when differentiated], and people can, and do, lie. This is not to say you can’t trust your alters, but rather a reminder to be mindful when interacting with your alters, especially if you’re working with a persecutor of some kind. This is one of the ways your brain defends itself within CDDs, and isn’t any sort of moral failing on you or your alters. Alters lying can look like lying about your trauma [either exaggerating or hiding it], lying about themself, lying about aspects of the system, or other different ways.
For my fellow OCD havers ;
This is something that still messes me up with my OCD. Here is my advice to you ; if there is an alter you trust more than the others, ask for their help to be a rationalizer when you're talking to alters you feel you may not trust as much as the others. This works best if it's a gatekeeper, but it's not a necessity for the alter to be one. This is not meant to be an interrogation. It's meant to help with cross referencing. One alter might say one thing to that alter, but tell you another thing. Otherwise, my advice is to remember that if it's affecting you as if it's real, it's best to treat it like it is.
-> Start keeping a nightly journal.
Whether this be in the notes app or in a physical journal, trust me, this is a good one. Not only will it help you keep a good grasp on what your days look like, but it can also encourage external communication, which is one of the most reliable ways to communicate as a system. Sometimes it can be hard to get everyone to get on board with journaling, but I encourage you to try. I would say that you try to subconciously try to build up the idea of doing things even when you don't want to- its a hard thing to do, but if I can do it, I have confidence in the majority of people who read this post... Keep the journal in a noticeable place, or if it's on your phone, make sure that it is easily accessible. There are plenty of apps that can be used to journal as a system.
What to do if journaling is not accessible ;
If for, whatever reason, you can not write in a physical journal, or type on your phone or computer, I suggest taking voice recorded journal entries. An audio log! Not only will it make you feel cool and like you're from a detective movie [or maybe that's just me lol], but it also accomplishes the same exact purpose as having a physical journal. It can even make it easier for you if you have struggles reading. HOWEVER, if you don't feel safe enough to keep an audio log, I would go towards an app that you can use [but if it's not accessible, negate this whole point].
-> Communication is hard, but once you learn the basics, it only goes up from there.
In the system community, you're mainly interacting with other systems who have already established some form of communication within their system. It can be discouraging to see so many systems who have a grasp on communication, but you don't have any.
Learning any form of system communication, external or internal, is a learning curve. HOWEVER. When you learn the basics of any communication, it only gets easier.
Here's a link to a post full of links aimed at building communication between systems [this is a link]
With that, I'm going to end the post here! I could honestly make more points, and if there's really a need, I'll reblog with additions, but I think this is good start! I hope you learned something from this long post, and feel free to send in asks if you need any clarification! I might not be speedy to answer, but I'll do my best.
And your final reminder that I'm not a medical professional, just a system trying to help other systems.
Thank you for reading my post, and I hope you have a good day/afternoon/evening!
i hate shoutout posts, so this is like... a whisper to every single fucking system who can't be in therapy. who arent safe. live with abusers. who dont have the money, dont have the location, cant find a therapist. who cant do this shit.
i think that most advice from the internet is like... if you have did go to therapy and i bet thats useful if u can have it but if you cant, its so isolationg. especially with an individualistic (every man for himself) culture, people often tell u to just... go to therapy bro. dont bother me about it.
here are fr some tips as someone who has a lot of problems and is not in therapy:
prioritise staying alive. it can never get better once you are dead.
take your time with it. you dont need to post alter intros or have a plural kit. you dont need to have a journal. take time to be comfortable as you can even if the circumstances are very bad
depending on your amount of control and interaction with your system, introduce people who don't have a lot of life experience to new things like food, new colours and textures and places. this especially applies if you have a bunch of alters who only really know the environment of their abuse
build community. its really really really hard but do try. having friends kept me alive. it still keeps me alive.
learn about healthy relationships - we all have internet access. learn about boundaries and triggers and talking to others healthily. a lot of people with did will struggle with healthy relationships even if they make them. learn and do your best to act with it
treat your body like a rental or a pot plant or an animal if needed - even if it doesnt seem like yours, you gotta feed and water and walk it bro. u need the sun. you need enrichment and interaction.
ignore the discourse if youre struggling - it actually doesnt matter and will make you more sick. thinkning about endo vs trauma or like.... idk... labels discourse can be a major stressor that can lead to warping your sustem presentation or repressing and harming bits that arent conforming well
engage in things that are irl like building mini legos or clay - it can help make outside a better environment and shit, aklso can help ground.
find your own triggers and talk about it with ur system. write notes or yap.
find joy in being alive and being a system. despite what reddit or youtube or whatever will tell you, as things improve they will get better. and u should look for joy and funnies when you can
dont give up
LISTEN TO YOUR SYSTEM. THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE RIGHT. THEY LIKELY ARE ASSHOLES OR INSANE JUST LIKE YOU. BUT YOU LIVE TOGETHER.
