I'm horribly anxious at the moment and I can't quite put my finger on why. All last week I was an anxious, triggered, over stimulated mess masquerading as a human being. Things are going well, and it's like my brains gone ohhhh it's safe. Have a bucketload of anxiety that springs out of nowhere because we don't trust when it doesn't suck. Being able to give breathing space to grief, guilty and trauma is great - until it's not. Absolutely everything is too much, I keep forgetting things. I turned the oven on, not the hob, so I didn't actually cook the food I had made for my guests, and they had to have cheese on toast instead. It was with the good cheese, but still. I'm on top of the workload, my health is stable, my finances are stable, no friends have died recently, you know, all the usual suspects aren't in attendance. Yet I just want to hide under my weighted blanket, drink tea and hide with a fluffy regency romance novel with a happy ending, but not too much of the frisky stuff because that gets a bit much after a while. I don't know if it's because I've been travelling a lot for hospital appointments, the cold weather, the fact Autumn is my favourite season but also the worst? The mounting dread that I don't know what I'm doing after university, and that doing a masters just prolongs the inevitable? I. Don't. Have. A. Damn. Clue. And I hate it. If I'm resting I'm anxious I should be doing something else, if I'm taking time for myself I'm panicking I need to be doing more work, and when I'm working I want to be with tea in bed. I keep worrying that my friends think I suck, that I'm over sharing, too much, annoying. I know rationally they do like me, life won't end after uni, I will get a job, or find something meaningful to do. I know I can't manage a Christmas job but keep worrying I should be doing more, earning more, saving more. Either way. Trauma is kicking my butt, in a lot of ways life is so much better, and so much easier and more fulfilled than 474 days ago. I have constantly made better choices for my mental health, mostly looked after myself more and generally I'm in a better place, but also I'm not. I still feel powerless, jittery and anxious. I'm so tired, and it doesn't go away. I keep feeling really anxious about money and worrying about having enough food in the house, I'm right now not wanting for either, but I can't stop checking my cupboards, writing inventories, trying to push down the panic that there isn't enough. I don't need to buy more or ration and it's really hard not too. I never went hungry, not really, but the anxiety of managing food, and getting food from my childhood is a gnawing ache. I don't have to bully an adult into getting up and dressed, or giving me the money and walking the mile there and back to the corner shop that wasn't on a corner near us at all to get bread, or milk, or cerial or cans of beans because I was too young to know how to cook. Nobody is hoping that the potatoes don't get blight, so we won't have to buy any and save the money. I can go to any supermarket I please and get food from all over the world with my own money, but it doesn't fill the pit of fear that there won't be enough. I'm not food hoarding, which is a big, huge, massive step forward for me. I am acknowledging it, I know it's there, and that it will ease eventually. The idea that this is the rest of my life is exhausting, I found myself counting exits today, mentally calculating how long it will take me to cross the room. What are the obstacles? Who's in the way? Are people behind me? Can I see them? Is it better to be near the door with the room behind me, or at the wall with a clear view of the room? All hundreds of snap shot observations that used to be second nature. I want to sleep but for some reason it's really scary. I'm not even having nightmares it's just like a massive bed sized 'nope!' in my brain and I keep procrastinating. I know I need to sleep or it's as not looking after myself properly - but I'm so wired it's hard to settle. So 474 days, I'm doing okay. I'm tired, but I'm showing up and working to be better. . . 474 days 20 July 2018 - 6 November 2019
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