Dissociative Freak

Hello. This is a side blog made to discuss issues surrounding the dissociative disorder I have

[dissociativefreak]

Intro Post!

Hello! My name is Matt, and this blog is for me to discuss everything relating to my experience with my dissociative disorder, interactions with community, advocacy, etc!

Do not follow me, interact with me, like or reblog my posts if you spread endogenic disinformation or support endogenic disinformation. You destroy and harm my community, spread disinformation, and make it more difficult to access real support. You cosplay my mental health disorder for your own personal gain, attention, and validation, while ignoring the voices of the scientific community and disabled community. You are not welcome on this blog. Fuck you and fuck the ableist community you cultivate. Go roleplay somewhere else and without using terms created to describe the clinical reality of people with complex dissociative disorders or creating terms that indicate an adjacency to intentionally mimic a disorder.

[endosdonotinteract]

I hate it when people call me a 'fictive'. I am not a 'fictive'. I am a part. I am a dissociative state that was introjected from a fictional character because I was using fictional media to cope with the shit I was going through as a kid.

And stop fucking telling me what terms to use. Yes, I will use 'dissociative states' and 'parts', no, it is NOT dehumanizing myself.

[the-io-collective]

i'm a PART. i am a PART OF A WHOLE. that is the clinical language my treatment team uses, and it is the language i will use. thank you, goodnight.

[dissociativefreak]

I'm back... Maybe.

Hello. It's been a while. I've been gone for a while. Well, not gone. I've been on Tumblr but not using this blog. In the interest of not sharing too much, my private life has been chaotic at it means the idea of even discussing and advocating for disability was difficult.

I want to discuss more now though. I want to be more involved and advocate more for the type of representation we truly need for dissociative disorders. I'm still very passionate and interested in this blog.

[crippled-peeper]

have you noticed the the disability “activists” on this site (aka disabled people with blogs who talk and also exist) are REALLY problematic??? they are acting like people with feelings. they keep getting mad at me for calling them slurs and bullying them and harassing them. It’s REALLY not cool that they act like humans. we NEED to work on this :/

[dissociativefreak]

This demonstrates the extent to which the focus on "parts" has impacted people with DID, both in media and in online spaces that tout themselves as advocates.

I have been messaged multiple times and told that I am "speaking over real trauma survivors" and to "stop roleplaying." Aside from the fact that I have never—and will never—share information about parts online (not even my own), it is also clear that this harassment stems from the way DID is portrayed online.

DID is a dissociative disorder and one which forms in response to trauma. It always has been, and it always will be. It is not in the diagnostic criteria simply because it is also a disorder involving dissociative amnesia, which means many patients do not recall the trauma they endured.

DID is not, and never will be, a roleplay of characters, a creation of "traumatic backstories," or a diagnosis that makes someone's trauma less valid or renders them "not a real trauma survivor."

All of these messages have one thing in common: they assume DID is roleplay in your head. They believe parts are just characters created for fun. This stems from both ableism—such as people creating impossible standards for survivors to justify hatred of disabled people—and the way online communities highlight and center parts as the primary symptoms of DID.

I've even been told that DID only requires you to present with parts to be diagnosed. Look at what these communities' actions have caused. Look at how you impact the public image of a clinical disorder, and consider whether it is worth changing. Consider if it is worth highlighting the voices of those who are suffering the most—those willing to speak about dissociative amnesia, PTSD, depersonalization, and derealization in a serious and genuine manner.

Because I assure you, if this community continues on its current path, we will all end up just as isolated and stereotyped as we have been in the past.

[dissociativefreak]

Just to be very clear, this post is not about parts language. I prefer parts language. It is about the oversaturation and heavy focuse placed on parts/alters within the DID community.

Please reflect on how you read this post and the single thing you chose to focus on is my use of the word "parts" rather than the multiple instances where people have accused people with DID of roleplaying or lying because they think that parts are the only symptoms to DID.

[deafandbewildered]

Can we talk about other symptoms or complications that come along with DID and CPTSD? I hate focusing on the alters side of things all the time when it’s not close to the biggest struggle I have.

I’ll start; Random blood pressure drops from anxiety spikes. I have a higher chance to develop cardiovascular diseases!

[dissociativefreak]

A disconnect between my brain and body makes it difficult to understand whether I am hungry, thirsty, tired, or upset. This leads to medical issues surrounding deficiencies, exhaustion, outbursts, etc.

[dissociativefreak]

i also do not believe that you can have DID or be a system in general without trauma, but a disorder being traumagenic is not the same as it being a post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is not even a category of disorders. it is in the category of trauma and stressor related disorders, which is what i think you meant, but DID is not a trauma and stressor related disorder.

when you use clinical terms it is really important that you are using them correctly. your opinions are not wrong but you are misrepresenting facts by using terms that have objective meanings subjectively.

like i said i really am not disagreeing with your key points and i am on your side but you are using misinformation to back your opinions which hurts anti-endo systems credibility, leads other people to believe false claims which can then be used in a more harmful way, and waters down psychological terms, so i think it’s really important to use the correct language when talking abt this

Thank you for this information. You are correct; my intention was to clarify that Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) develops as a response to trauma. I do not like the term "traumagenic"—I know it has clinical meaning outside of colloquial discourse—and in my search for another term, I accidentally applied a term that could be misinterpreted in a way that causes the spread of misinformation. I am sorry for that, and I have now edited the post you are referencing to state that DID "forms in response to trauma," which I hope is a more acceptable descriptor.

To address some other points of discussion:

The concept of DID being a more severe form of PTSD likely originates from the way information is shared online, both intentionally and unintentionally. I state this because I would predict that this concept comes from the fact that PTSD and DID both exist within the theory of structural dissociation. Additionally, I have heard others mention that DID is also considered a more severe form of BPD, which follows the same pattern of existing within the theory of structural dissociation. This is unfortunately quite common on the internet, especially within psychiatric spaces, as pop psychology becomes increasingly popular and there is an interest in simplifying complex concepts.

Secondly, I would like to address the point on "anti-endo" systems. I do not discuss endogenic disinformation on this account primarily because I do not believe it is worth giving them the time of day, and it is better not to provide it with a platform. I do not particularly care about the credibility of one side versus the other outside of the scientific consensus, which will not come about through Tumblr posts. I think it is more important to focus on the way that dis- and misinformation can harm those diagnosed with DID, regardless of their stance or opinions on online discourse, as we are all still struggling with the same diagnosis. My mistake harms all people with DID because I did not do the diligence of properly evaluating my language and considering its consequences. There will likely be mistakes like this in the future that I will correct when mentioned. For now, I would like to shed the sentiment that discussions of DID on the internet should be viewed through an anti- vs. pro- discourse lens, even when not discussing such discourse. I think it shifts the focus away from people with a debilitating psychological disorder and heavily highlights those who are spreading disinformation when it is unnecessary.

[dissociativefreak]

amazing username

Thank you. I originally had a username with the traditional formatting of (blank)system however as I've grown to understand my own disorder, and changed my goals for my activism, I realised that that username was chosen in an attempt to fit in with a community I am actively trying to change. Additionally, it focused on the symptom of parts within my dissociative disorder rather than the symptoms I prefer to focus on, which that truly impact me.

The choice of freak is primarily a reclamation of the term as a psychiatric patient and a queer person. Not only have I been labelled and called a freak on numerous occasions but so have many of my friends. My activism is about reclaiming, reframing, and re-examining our social conditioning and communal expectations of language and discourse. I think this username fits it well.

[didenchanted]

i wish complex dissociative disorders were more talked about online as the actual disorders they are rather than just labels people use

[anifired]

DID and OSDD1 are not system disorders. DID and OSDD1 are not alter disorders.

DID and OSDD are DISSOCIATIVE disorders. The existence of a system/alters is a SYMPTOM of the disorders. They are caused by DISSOCIATION. OSDD1 is not the only valid type of OSDD, and other types don't have alters as a symptom-- they are still dissociative disorders.

DID and OSDD1 are not system disorders. They are not plural disorders. They are Dissociative disorders, always, first and foremost. Alters are a symptom, they are not the root.

[makesomethinguseful-yt]

you can’t fix a broken bowl. But you can fill in the cracks. And eventually, it will hold water again.

-Various gatekeepers

[dissociativefreak]

If you see someone with a mental illness who is describing themselves with unconventional words or language that you would typically associate with being offensive to people with their mental illness and your first thought is to criticize them for that choice, you are not an ally to mentally ill people.

Throughout history, mentally ill people of all different varieties have been given labels and names that they never chose to have. They have been institutionalized, abused, bullied, ridiculed, shamed, and shunned for simply daring to exist in a world where they are an other. Where their thoughts and ideas are different, whether that be harmful to them or not. Many still are. Both in developed nations and those that are developing. But again, you do not hear about this, because our stories and voices are silenced.

This treatment has led to two things. The development of subcultures within mentally ill communities, especially those who are survivors of institutionalization, where these people fight for their rights and choose to present themselves in a non-conventional way. Dressing and speaking the way they choose to. This has given mentally ill people significant autonomy, allowing them to reject the social standards they have been forced to live by their entire life, which have led the way to abuse and torment.

Additionally, it has led to mentally ill people co-opting phrases used against them as a self-descriptor. Not to negatively associate their experience with anything, but to take power from those who choose to label them as such. Phrases like "Fucked up in the head", and "Freak", have come to reflect a person who has seen what society demands of them, and who rejects it entirely.

If you, as a non-mentally ill person, or a mentally ill person with a different relationship to these words, criticize these people, you are choosing to take away the autonomy they have fought for the right to have. Instead of fighting alongside them for a better world, you actively dismantle the little autonomy we have been able to gain through these movements and self-descriptors in the name of your own comfort.

[dissociativefreak]

The moon looked upon me

Tears in my eyes

“How similar we are” she spat

“How horrible that is” I sobbed

And that was that.

Two entities, doomed to exist only in shadow

For our beauty to be hidden by everything that consumes us.

[dissociativefreak]

And suddenly, I was 18.

Where had the time gone?

I search through my mind for my childhood

Exploring hidden maze walls

Desperate to meet the child I had lost

But I never found her

She was gone

Taken from me by the shadows of my past

[dissociativefreak]

This demonstrates the extent to which the focus on "parts" has impacted people with DID, both in media and in online spaces that tout themselves as advocates.

I have been messaged multiple times and told that I am "speaking over real trauma survivors" and to "stop roleplaying." Aside from the fact that I have never—and will never—share information about parts online (not even my own), it is also clear that this harassment stems from the way DID is portrayed online.

DID is a dissociative disorder and one which forms in response to trauma. It always has been, and it always will be. It is not in the diagnostic criteria simply because it is also a disorder involving dissociative amnesia, which means many patients do not recall the trauma they endured.

DID is not, and never will be, a roleplay of characters, a creation of "traumatic backstories," or a diagnosis that makes someone's trauma less valid or renders them "not a real trauma survivor."

All of these messages have one thing in common: they assume DID is roleplay in your head. They believe parts are just characters created for fun. This stems from both ableism—such as people creating impossible standards for survivors to justify hatred of disabled people—and the way online communities highlight and center parts as the primary symptoms of DID.

I've even been told that DID only requires you to present with parts to be diagnosed. Look at what these communities' actions have caused. Look at how you impact the public image of a clinical disorder, and consider whether it is worth changing. Consider if it is worth highlighting the voices of those who are suffering the most—those willing to speak about dissociative amnesia, PTSD, depersonalization, and derealization in a serious and genuine manner.

Because I assure you, if this community continues on its current path, we will all end up just as isolated and stereotyped as we have been in the past.

[dissociativefreak]

I don't think it's discussed enough how dissociative amnesia, specifically surrounding childhood memories, can influence you to hoard physical objects. Even when they seem meaningless or hold no specific memories, they become anchors for you to a self you have lost.

For example, I have about ten folders from my early school days sitting in my room. I never look at them. I don't recall anything inside of them, and I have no nostalgia for the work inside, but a large part of me is terrified to throw them away. In my head, to do so would feel like I was losing a part of my life—a part that though I can't remember, I desperately wish to get back.

These objects are useless to me now, but they were once cherished by my younger self, meticulously created. They are my connection to the thoughts and feelings of my past that I have lost to this disorder. I am constantly looking for evidence of who I was—what signs of abuse I gave, how I acted, how I felt. I will never know what I looked like, inside or out. So, I use these meaningless relics to substitute tangible answers, hoping that one day they might re-ignite the childhood joy they once held.

[thehousetenants]

sometimes i simply wish ppl would realize that while alters are a defining trait of CDDs that we are extremely traumatized people and have symptoms outside of the alters. you know. the trance states, the somatic symptoms like joint pain and stomachaches and headaches. the high comorbidity of eating disorders, of personality disorders, of psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. alters are something to deal with, sure. theyre stressful. its messy, with persecutors. its not all bad, with alters, either. sometimes its warm and good. but i wish people realized the hardship of these disorders rather than glorifying and aestheticizing what so many of us are going through.

[dissociativefreak]

This is exactly what I have been advocating for for a long time. It's not about forcing people to talk about things they find upsetting or too personal, it's about lifting up those who do choose to discuss other symptoms as well as acknowledging those symptoms.