Rebirth

[doctrinae-blog1]

@lazuliss

❝   Noel   !   ❞   A   boomerang   flies   through   the   air   as   he   slides   up   behind   him.   Glad   to   have   found   a   familiar   face,   but   also   confused   as   the   world   they   had   now   found   themselves   in   seemed   one   of   a   rather       violent   nature.       ❝   Looked   like   you   could   use   a   little   help. ❞  

[doctrinae-blog1]

Hey!   Sorry   for   poofing,   I   got   into   dragon   age   again   and   bought   monster   hunter   world   so   my   free   time   has   been   eaten   up   by   that.   Anyway,   like   this   for   a   small   starter!

[doctrinae-blog1]

@lazuliss bc he lost mog

❝   How   dare   you !  ❞

[doctrinae-blog1]

CLAIRAIS ➵ LIGHTNING

Her patience for Hope was far greater than anyone else in her life, thus her ability to forgive and calm her frustrations after he genuinely apologized for his actions, was almost effortless. Lashes fluttered to a close and with parted lips Lightning released a soft yet audible sigh before peaking up at him once more.

As she gazed into pleading eyes, Lights expression changed from anger to a calmness only he could bring upon her. Hope was admirable, the way he handled his emotions and feelings despite everything he had gone through in his life – Despite how many times she made an attempt to pull away. He continued to try. He wouldn’t give up. He spoke of love so freely, so why wasn’t she able ? Lightning was everything; A soldier, a monster, a saviour. She killed God. She fought for the entire future they were now free to live and yet, she struggled to embrace the idea of being loved. Why was that so frightening– ? Clenched fist loosened at her side and as she listened to the man pour his heart out – Place every bit of his own vulnerability on a platter without an ounce of fear, she weakened. That tenseness in her muscles began to relax, and her lips even curled into a subtle smile. The idea of Hope truly waiting since they fought together as partners, to tell her how he felt – only for her to walk away. She’d be turning her back on him at his most vulnerable state, and as distant as Light could be, she was not heartless. She couldn’t leave now. Even if she was not able to accept her own feelings, and pour them out as he was doing in this very moment, she’d do her best not to shut him down.                   ❛  You’re hopeless.  ❜ Stretching a single hand, Light poked his forehead with the tip of her index finger in a playful manner, then crossed both arms at the front of her chest. ❛   The truth is, I’ve always been proud of how you grew. You’re braver, and even stronger than I am, Hope. But – It’s hard sometimes, the thought of ‘us’, I mean.  ❜ After all, before now ? He was just a kid. A kid dragged into a mess he didn’t need to be in because of her actions. Even as a grown man, to drag him through her insecurities and even the possibility of waiting for her when he deserves so much more – She had trouble baring that thought. ❛  Wrapping my head around you being – Well, different now.   ❜It still felt odd to point out his age. ❛  Well – I don’t know what I want. Seeing Serah happy with Snow was something I didn’t understand and when I finally did, I was happy for her – But I still never thought about that kind of thing for me.  ❜ Admitting this, was extremely embarrassing, which was made evident by the faint shade of pink painting across her porcelain cheeks. She quickly turned her attention elsewhere then cleared her throat.         ❛  I lost my parents. My sister, twice. That pain and guilt I felt, … Imagining losing you – I … ❜ She struggled to finish her sentence, as the thought was unimaginable. Light wanted only to see her friends and family happy, and devote herself to what she was best at – Working. That’s all she pictured for herself, as it was the safest route. ❛  The truth is, I never thought of you like this. I never thought of anyone like this. It’s all so new – and I don’t know what to do. ❜ Unwinding her arms slightly, Lightning placed a palm over her heart then lowered her attention to the floor; Her feelings for him since they were reunited, they were growing. Still, she was too fearful to face them, and too ashamed in this moment, to look him in the eye. ❛  I’m sorry.  ❜

❝ I’m not asking for it right now if you aren’t ready. ❞ Hope wouldn’t dare force her into anything she wasn’t ready for. He knew how touchy the subject was and the fact that she was evening beginning to open up to him meant a lot. She had lost so many people close to her, but what Lightning failed to realize was that Hope had already lost her. Once whenever she was stolen away into the unseen realm of Valhalla, and again whenever she locked herself away in crystal. He almost lost her a third time. Lightning really was selfless. 

❝ I know Light. I know. But don’t forget that I’ve already felt that with you. It’s not easy if I’m honest. Loss is never easy. ❞ He’d never forget about the void he spent DECADES trying to fill. ❝ We can take it slow, as slow as you need. I won’t do something unless you’re comfortable with it. ❞ Her comfort was his top priority, because he wasn’t just seeking some random affection from someone. He wanted HER. ❝ I’m sorry for my outburst earlier but I’m serious when I mean that if you need to just be friends for awhile, I can wait. ❞ 

❝ Don’t push yourself so hard Lightning, I get it. Affection is something you didn’t grow up with. Yet a relationship isn’t always going to be hand holding and kind words. It’s about trusting someone with everything no matter what. It’s about hard times and fights and not being able to decide on what to eat for dinner. ❞ She couldn’t have grown up with that, not when her parents were gone at such a young age. Compared to Hope’s sheltered life, Lightning had it pretty rough. ❝ You don’t have anything to be sorry for. ❞

He took a step backwards to give her some space as turned his attention to her things she had left by the door. Would she still go home? A big part of him hoped not, or that should would at least stay a little longer to let things cool down. ❝ You’re still free to leave if you want. Or. ❞ He flashed her a smile. ❝ You could stay for dinner? ❞

[doctrinae-blog1]

Expect me to be back writing tomorrow!! 

[doctrinae-blog1]

Alright so for those of you who don’t know. My main blog is in the VLD fandom, and season 5 just dropped so I’ll be over there for a little bit! Expect replies coming next week!

[doctrinae-blog1]

CLAIRAIS ➵ LIGHTNING

Run away ? No – She wasn’t running. Her leaving was nothing permanent. She cared for Hope, as the two together had fought for one another’s lives and futures. Together, they grew. Hope became stronger, Lightning – Softer. There was an unbreakable bond between them, and the respect she had for the now young man was enough to keep her from straying entirely.However, it wouldn’t stop her from shielding her emotions and distancing herself from the weight of vulnerability. It took her many years and hard-faced journeys before she admitted her desire for help and love that was truly longing in her heart, despite how cold and distant she appeared to others — But that embrace of love was for her family, and for her built friendships. Romance was never a prime focus in Lightning’s mind. It was new territory, and admittedly, she was afraid. Her leaving was not to hurt Hope, but instead, to protect herself of the heavy burden of being in love or loved in return. The man who stood before her today, was the boy she watched grow with each battle they faced. He helped her save the world, he helped her regain control of her empathy and ability to show her true self. She trusted him dearly, moreso than any of their allies. They were partners,after all. Which was precisely why his ultimatum angered her. To Lightning, it was a break of trust – Perhaps she was in the wrong for willingly hurting him and turning away from her emotions once more, but for Hope to use her weakness to control the situation, she was angry, and the fire in her eyes glowed with that anger as she swiftly turned on her heel and brought her attention back onto his saddened expression. Whether or not he was hurt, she was now too – And when Light was hurting, it was expressed with frustration.

        ❛  You’re going to use my name – threaten me with ultimatums ?  ❜ The suitcase was dropped onto the floor and with her other hand, she reached forward with a strong step and shoved him harshly by his shoulder. ❛  You think that’s going to make me want to stay ?  ❜ Clenching her fist, the woman slowly lowered her arm back down to her side then turned her head; shielding angered eyes with rosette strands. Her voice was still stern, but it softened after she took a quiet breather. ❛  I know this isn’t like you, Hope. But see what happens to people when they think they love someone ?   ❜ Yes, think. Hope admired her – She knew this, she always knew this. But to further that emotion towards her; It only brought her fear. Rightfully so, considering those feelings were bringing to the surface, the sides of one another she hoped they’d never be forced to face.                    ❛  What is there to talk about … ? We’re friends. Partners. We can work together, but I don’t want —- this.   ❜ Peaking up into his eyes if only for a short moment, Lightning sighed then stubbornly crossed both arms at the front of her chest. She’d never hit him, but the desire to push him once more still lingered. She was incredibly frustrated with the appearance of weakness that overcame her in this argument. ❛  I’m going home. If you don’t want to see me again because of that, then so be it.   ❜

So that’s what this was about. She doubted his feelings. The ones he had kept deep down for nearly A THOUSAND YEARS. Yes it was true, Hope admired Lightning for a lot of reasons, but he also knew that he LOVED HER for far greater reasons. That fact alone is almost laughable to him, although that is taken away by the sudden shove he feels connect with his shoulder. He doesn’t blame her for this, he really wasn’t acting like himself. ❝ You think I don’t? ❞ He looks up at her, voice composed and face straight. 

He could prove to her that he loved her, but that would require a physical contact she wasn’t ready for yet, and he wasn’t looking to push her any further. ❝ Do you know the difference between admiration and love? ❞ He knows she doesn’t, because she doesn’t know anything about love. Although he feels a sudden need to apologize for his actions, a need to rewind time and just let her leave.  ❝ I apologize for the domestic commodities I put you through Light but I’m serious when I say I care about you, way more than a friend.❞ If only he was good enough at voicing his feelings. 

That’s when the memories hit him. OF HER. The one girl who nearly replaced her, the one girl who broke his heart. ❝ Let me be clear about one thing Light. I’m not all about the intimacies and these things I know you’re scared of. I’m about you. ❞ He gently prods her forehead to show what he means. He knows that this moment will either cause her to realize what he means, or cause her to leave. But he won’t let her leave until he’s said his piece. ❝ When I first met you, I was 14 remember? You didn’t throw me out and call me useless like other people in my life. When I was 14 I admired you Light. I’m not that little kid anymore, I’m older than you now. ❞ Although his age is merely a technicality. He pauses to run his hand through his hair. ❝ I’ve gotten to know the Lightning behind that soldier facade and that’s the woman I fell in love with. I know you’re scared and I know I’m probably freaking you out right now and I’m sorry for that, but I can’t let you leave without saying that. ❞

❝ What I’m trying to say Light, is that I do love you. I waited A THOUSAND YEARS to tell you that and if I have to wait a thousand more to get anywhere with you then I’ll do it. ❞ He’s tempted to reach out and take her hand but he doesn’t dare cross another boundary, in fear that she might lash out once again.  ❝ You’re free to leave, and you’re free to call me whenever you need. I’ll still be there for you. If friends is what you want then I- ❞ He pauses for a moment. COULD HE REALLY DEAL WITH THAT? NO. Yet he was always good at telling lies. ❝ I’ll be your friend. ❞     

[doctrinae-blog1]

HOPE AND HIS PAST RELATIONSHIP. 

During his time in Academia Hope became acquainted with a woman ( whom I don’t have a name for yet but to be clear this is not Alyssa ) This woman struck a chord with him that he hadn’t had struck since he realized that he was in love with Lightning long after he believed she was dead ( before the events of xiii-2 )

This woman eventually became his girlfriend, one whom he held very near and dear to his heart. Everything about her reminded him of the one woman he was too young to have. She was headstrong and loyal and always spoke her mind, yet she didn’t know anything about Lightning because she was the one subject he couldn’t bring himself to talk about.  

Although all good things must come to an end. ( especially in Hope’s case ) He was close to proposing to this woman, looked at rings and had even started planning how things would play out when it did it. He was sure she’d say yes. She found out about Lightning from an old letter he had written to himself when he was younger talking about how much he missed her. When asked about Lightning Hope shut down on all fronts because the mere mention of her name hurt his heart. She was the one person he couldn’t let go of no matter how many times the other’s said she was trapped in Cocoon's pillar, and finding out she was alive in Valhalla. The fact that she was alive brought his care for her back with full force.

She left him that night, and Hope was left to think through all the emotions she put him through, and that’s when the realization hit him. He had never truly loved that woman at all, he might not have even liked her. To him, she was his Lightning. She was filling a void for him that he had been longing for for hundreds of years. That realization tore him apart and made him bury himself into building the new Cocoon. He stopped caring for himself because he felt as if he had committed the worst crime known to man. 

This is a subject he won’t talk about unless he’s close to someone ( most likely Noel bc they’re bros 4 lyfe ) He can’t deal with the fact that he had tried to replace Lightning without even realizing it. This is something that he’ll never forgive himself for and will keep away from Lightning at all costs because he feels like if she knows then he doesn’t deserve to keep her around, he already has problems with it on his own. 

The relationship itself was pretty harmless, things were good. Although he won’t ever remember it fondly because of all the shame it brought him in the aftermath. TLDR. Hope filled a void in his heart and tried to replace Lightning only to realize that the only woman he’ll ever be in love with is her. She is irreplaceable to him and he’ll do whatever he can to get her to be his.

[doctrinae-blog1]

CLAIRAIS ➵ LIGHTNING

         ❛  — I mean exactly what I said.   ❜ A typical sharp and cold bite back in response to his harmless question, which was naturally only stemming from concern. He had every right to be confused, worried, even in a panicked state. He’d lost each member of his family, his home – Hopes childhood was ripped from him, just as hers was. She knew her actions would resurface those memories. She understood with the entirety of her heart, just how much she was hurting him by threatening to leave. Yet, she couldn’t help it. Lightning also withheld fears. Fears of closeness, fears of loss, fears of letting others down. Most importantly, an uncontrollable and irreparable fear of love. The idea of commitment – Of promising herself to another person, it was nothing she had faced with anyone prior to Hope; A man who knew her vulnerabilities, who understood her weak spots. That in itself put pressure on the woman who so severely feared the thought of loving someone even as close as she loves her sister and enduring that same pain of losing them – or worse, being at fault. The sight of her small amount of personal items spread through what he made his home, had suddenly triggered an inconsolable growth of overwhelming emotions. At first, she would enjoy his company. The comfort of being near another person – One she trusted as well as she did Hope, it made her happy. However, when deeper feelings began to evolve, her shield arose once more. She became guarded and afraid. Lightning would find herself easily irritable and pulling away bit by bit; Keeping her emotions hidden until it became too much. So instead of rationally discussing those feelings, she hid behind her cold demeanor; her only comfortable defense mechanism.

         ❛  Let go.   ❜  In midst of her rummaging around the room, he took a gentle but firm hold on her wrist, and Lightnings first reaction was to tense her muscles and pull her arm back. She trusted him, she cared for him. But she still hadn’t gotten used to the vulnerability that came with bold show of affection. At least — Not when she was upset. The need for space grew stronger as she tugged away from him; Her teeth clenched as he spoke her name. Although the casualties of her true name were yet to be something she’d grown used to, she couldn’t show anger towards him for using it. Light had given him permission to ( even if it was only recent )  – The only person besides Serah who she trusted to use her name with his best intentions. She couldn’t be angry, even if she felt initial displeasure. Although she didn’t speak against him, the feeling was written over her face, as Lightning was never good at hiding what brought her discomfort.         ❛  Hope, you’ve done nothing wrong. I just can’t do this. I can’t play house – I can’t be what you want me to be.  ❜ Turning her attention from his pleading eyes ( if only to break away from the ache in her heart ), she folded her last blouse and placed it in her fitted suitcase. ❛  We’re friends, and I said I’d be by your side. I didn’t lie. I will be.  ❜ With the zipper forced shut, she lifted her bag and carried herself to the front door. Hesitation paused her, if only for a brief moment, so she could glance over her shoulder slightly; Eyes still avoiding meeting his. ❛  – But that’s all it’s going to be with me.  ❜ Because you deserve better.

❝ So you’re going to run away instead of trying to talk things out with me?! ❞ He hadn’t realized the words had left his mouth until it was TOO LATE. He had never vocalized these thoughts but they had crossed his mind before. The last time she ran from him, when he first told her how he felt. His mind came to a SCREECHING HALT. All the words he had prepared to say had left his mind. If she wasn’t going to leave before she definitely was now.

❝ Why won’t you at least talk to me? You haven’t said a word about this and you think you have the right to just up and leave without considering how this would make me feel? ❞ He’d let go of himself. The damn he’d built for his emotions had been pierced and now they were pouring out without thought. FRIENDS. That’s all she wanted? His compliance to her every wish had gone out the window the second he raised his voice. He’s really trying to not get angry at her, because she was doing what was normal for her. RUNNING. He was so tired of all her running away. A defense mechanism that did way more damage that Lightning could ever realize. 

That’s when the thought hit him. PREVENT HER FROM RUNNING. If he came up with an ultimatum that she couldn’t refuse then he could hold on to her for a little longer. Hope normally wouldn’t stoop so low but the Hope standing at his front door now was trying to hold onto the last bit of his soul that he had left. He can’t let someone else abandon him. ❝ If you walk out that door. It’s over. All of it. I’ll leave you alone for the rest of your life if you leave me right now. ❞ 

AND HE BROKE. The tears that had been held in ever since he’d lost his mother had broken through. The inflection in his voice was something he’d never heard before. The way the words cracked as they left his mouth and the way tears rolled down his face. He was a weak man, the facade of calm had been long forgotten. ❝ Can we please just talk? ❞ He couldn’t look at her anymore, fear that seeing him in such a state would only make her run faster and farther. Yet he had given her his terms and he was going to stick to them. Prepared to cut himself away from the one woman who kept him sane.

[doctrinae-blog1]

I’m not sorry for the pain I’m about to inflict on many people with my next post. 

[doctrinae-blog1]

@clairais

❝ Wait Light, what do you mean by that? ❞ Her sudden outburst was the last thing he had been expecting in that moment. ‘I NEED MY SPACE’. Hope was unsure how to take that, how deep did the meaning behind that go? Did she not want him anymore? Was he not good enough? ( OF COURSE HE WASN’T, Lightning deserved way better than him ) The feels that came pouring into his chest were pushed way down, his face remaining calm and collected. His feelings be damned, he was going to get to the bottom of this. ❝ Why are you collecting your things? What’s going on? Light! ❞ She moved around his apartment at a break neck pace, like she was going to run away from him all over again. 

He couldn’t risk that. He couldn’t let her walk out of his life all over again. He’d lost her so many times before that his heart COULDN’T take another blow like this. His composure snapped as he saw her reach for the door and Hope followed suit after her. His hand reaching out and grabbing her wrist. She can’t run away anymore. He’d make her sit and talk things out even if it meant that they’d be up all night. The work that followed in the morning could easily be missed, his feelings couldn’t be. 

❝ Claire please will you wait a second! ❞ Her real name rolled off his tongue to press the matter. He hated using it against her in moments like this but he prayed that it would get through her head that she needed to stop RUNNING AWAY FROM HIM. ❝ Don’t go. ❞ His voice had faded to a meek whisper and his facade of calm was breaking down into the tears that threatened to crawl their way up his throat. He can’t watch her walk out that door anymore. ❝ Please. ❞ The feelings in his chest broke past the wall he had built and he couldn’t control them. Internally he was being blown apart at the thought of losing the woman he loved.             

[doctrinae-blog1]

She makes him a flower crown out of daisies and places it over his head.

❝ Thank you, ❞ He smiles down at the girl in front of him and wears the crown with pride. ❝ I had a friend who always reminded me of flowers. She was as bright as the sun herself. ❞ He reflects on the old days, when he was little. How this small gift had reminded him of the land below their old world. Gran Pulse, a land filled with ferocity, yet it held such a raw beauty that Hope could never let go. 

❝ I might press this and frame it, if that’s alright with you. ❞       

[doctrinae-blog1]

It’s 6am and I’m sleep deprived but know that I love Hope Estheim with my whole damn heart.

[doctrinae-blog1]

LAZULISS ➵ NOEL

         ❛     she’s the last person you’d expect to turn tail and run —   ❜ the prospect alone sounds impossible. a punch, however, sounded like a more probable outcome. Lightning handled emotions in a distinctive fashion ; untamed and unpredictable, an enigmatic edge accompanied every dimension of her being. perhaps the challenge is what entices the director’s interest,inspires some instinctive push to unravel and understand her mystifying nature. it’s nothing but encouragement to follow despite his inexperience in the matter, though he liked to believe he held the ability to read people better than most.   ❛     I think you’re the one person she’s the most protective of, aside from Serah of course. I’d say you’ve got an advantage.     ❜

❝ No Noel you don’t understand. If I tell her I love her she will run away. ❞ The calm and collected Hope hadn’t come in the building with him. ❝ She doesn’t take those kinds of feelings well. Trust me I’ve tried hinting at it before and she cut our plans short. I want to tell her. I’ve been wanting to tell her for months but every time I try I just forget how to form a serious sentence! ❞ He sighs as his head falls into his hands. He rarely found himself in this position where he didn’t have a way to solve a problem. The academy classes didn’t prepare him for this.

[hamletsboy-deactivated20180927]

sac  ·  ri  ·  fice       ,   /ˈsakrəˌfīs/     ,  you  are  lasting,  everlasting,  a  prominent  heart.  and  it  is  a  shame  that  you  are  the  last  sip  of  absinthe.    (   knowing  that  this  is  the  end  …  seeing  you  all  here  now  …  it’s  more  than  I  can  take.  )

PERSONALS DON’T TOUCH.    love,   peach

[bladesmcna]

Just ur average gamer gril.

[residentevil2-deactivated201901]

STILL YOUR MIND, MOVE ON INSTINCT.