I don't know how to cope with immortality

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It feels like my head is exploding I mean not in the way that means I'm stressed or just a bad headache I don't know if I'm just some hypochondriac of if there's really something wrong with me But I can't stand for long and nobody's noticed how I sway when I first stand up Or how sometimes my breaths are so deep and yet it feels like I'm barely breathing I get light headed to the point where I nearly faint and all I can think is maybe I'm just hungry I was never raised in a way where I could talk if something was wrong so now that my jaw sometimes locks when I wake and my knees feel like they're bending the wrong way I don't dare mention it to a single soul because I'm probably just stressed or maybe its my lack of exercise My hearing is going in my right ear and I'm too worried that it's just nothing that I don't mention it and only wear my earbuds in my left because there's no reason for the right and maybe it's the fault of those earbuds anyways You insist you never hurt me and I'm shaking as I write this because I know there's probably nothing wrong but then again I wouldn't be so worried if it was just nothing, right?

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I remember how you always wore high tops and kept coconut oil in your pocket I told myself I'd never get as bad as you but here I am falling back on everything I've ever said I'm quitting All my friends are falling apart too so I blame it on the moon or the planets or maybe just the season But really I think we're all to fragile to know one another

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Yeah he's not the same but he definitely makes me just as scared

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I don't want to be a "good survivor" anymore. I want to hurt you like you hurt me I want you begging me to stop I want to overpower you like you did me. I don't care if I'll get in trouble. You won't ever leave me alone otherwise. I need you dead to finally move on

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He's falling and I'm too far away to do anything but suggest ways to land that'll hurt the least

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The worst kinds of fights are when you're trying to pull your friend back from the figurative roof edge All they ever say is "I'm not worth it" "You'll move on" "I'm worth absolutely nothing and you're an idiot for believing otherwise" There's nothing I want more than to say "You're priceless" "I'll never move on I still remember the fish I had to flush down the toilet when I was five and I cry sometimes about him" "If I'm an idiot let me be an idiot but please listen to me and fall for my uneducated truths and believe me for another day" It barely works They take those pills or use those blades or step off the stool And all you can do is cry because you forgot to tell them you love them

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She burned out the bottom of the standing fire pit in the backyard It still worked, you just couldn't move it I think she just made it more like her She has a guitar she never plays but keeps for the dream I took it one night when she wasn't there I found it back by her bed three days later She keeps up her image so well I don't know how she does it I haven't seen her without makeup in months

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When I used to go to school, I'd cherish the time when I could just sit on the couch. I came to notice when the car light shone in the window and I'd run upstairs because you scared me. You still scare me. Sometimes I'd be too late and have to try to escape with you there and I remember how fast my heart beat how my brain kept telling me it was time to run for it out of the door into the street. You'd definitely catch me but maybe if I screamed enough someone would notice. I found out later that nobody notices. You didn't like that I was getting irritated with the talk of politics. I got angry and threw my dinner on the ground and broke down. I tried to get away to cool down. You dragged me back to the mess and gave me five minutes to clean it. I just stood there crying because I both wanted you to back off and knew I would shake too bad and make it worse. I ran out the door to the bottom edge of the driveway. I curled up and screamed. I screamed as every breath I took and you tried to drag me back in. My sister came out and told you to go back inside. I only stopped screaming because of her and she helped me clean up. I hate you

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You're disgusting. I hate you and everything you've ever said to me. No fucking father is supposed to tell their kid that they shouldn't bind because they have the biggest breasts in the family and shouldn't lose them. What the fuck do you think you were doing. I was fucking thirteen. Why the hell were you thinking about my breasts and why the fuck was that your first excuse for making me uncomfortable. I get so uncomfortable around you because I can't stop worrying that's all you fucking think about me. Stay the hell away from me

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They say it just happens at night to me to make me feel bad feel invalid I don't believe that for a second It happens at night because I slow less happens it gets quiet less movement and then it has the chance to sneak it and push itself everywhere it wants to and I break and its too much its everywhere That's why I don't sleep not until others start to stir I can't stop thinking they've died until I get proof one way or another and I can't stop shaking at every noise in the house and it won't stop it won't stop I spend my nights listening to music because I start and can't stop because it gets too quiet and every little noise makes me jump and remember him finally going to his room after I got away from him getting way too close I keep my lights on into the night I should've outgrown a night light years ago but I still have mine the dark wants to hurt me so I only let it touch me when I can't stand being awake anymore and the sun is starting to rise anyways and my night light stays on I know the shadows in my room and there's always a few out of place but they don't touch me I don't let them He keeps me safe and sometimes he's asleep but I still trust him he told me the blankets protect me and I've had that on repeat in my thoughts ever since and when I woke to the thing in front of my window I crawled under my covers like a child and trusted him to be right because it creaked and groaned and I felt it touch the covers and I fell asleep like that and woke up barely breathing but alive and he saved me it was gone

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Flies surround me and follow me and it fits it fits it fits I've never been pure I'm so full of filth they live off of me in me and I can't get rid of the no matter how much I scrub and cry and keep to myself

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I WAS NEVER ONCE TAUGHT HOW TO EXPRESS MY EMOTIONS I SPEND EVERY MOMENT I CAN MIMICKING OTHERS WHEN YOU ASK ME HOW I FEEL I TAKE SO LONG TO RESPOND BECAUSE I DONT KNOW DO YOU WANT MY ANSWER IN TERMS OF MY EMOTIONS OR MY MENTAL STATE I FEEL EMPTY EMPTY IVE NEVER FELT WHOLE ME LEAVING YOU WAS THE BEST BAD DECISION IVE EVER MADE IM STILL PICKING UP THE PIECES BUT AT LEAST NOW I CAN SEE THEM I STILL WANT TO CRAWL BACK INTO YOUR ARMS BUT IM SO FUCKING GLAD I LEFT

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I am so constantly tired, I want to fall asleep whenever I slow I am so constantly awake, I can never sleep when I need

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You’ve been so distant recently. Where are you? You can always tell me if you need to go for a while. It’d definitely keep me from worrying as much. Is it an episode that’s keeping you from me? Or perhaps your system mates are deciding to hog the front? Either way, I want to know. You leaving me alone like this so suddenly is the same as walking out if we were able to live together. It’s terrifying. Did I do something wrong?

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messy night feels

you cant stop crying, why were you even crying in the first place, you cant remember it doesnt feel hot but youre sweating and your stomach hurts no matter how much you pamper it you see a bug flying around your light. you turn away for a moment and then its gone. you cant stop shaking for several minutes after your significant other messages you, you cant think of how to reply. has love always felt this dull? you panic, whats making that noise? it sounds like a squish outside your window. the bug is back

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Where did you go? You've been gone for so long. I feel so lost without you, I'm way out of balance. I know you need time to yourself but I don't know if I even matter to you anymore. I'm scared, you know how I get, I'm scared about how I feel. Were all those promises just ways to get me to be quiet?