No Longer human

An amateur writer

[doeslivinghavevalue]

The ticking clock

The clock ticks on endlessly, yet it feels as if I am stuck whilst the world around me moves on as if they move in tandem with that clock tick like a twisted metronome of life. I fear this clock does not tick for me to move me forward, but to remind me that the days will forever continue whether I am present or not. The years have been nothing but harsh and cruel, stealing those I held dearest to my heart. Each time I find myself completely wordless, isolated from even my own family. People claim that god gives his strongest warriors the hardest of battles….what kind of sick and twisted god will strip you bare and lay your vulnerabilities out for everyone to gander at like a gallery. Different boxes…different sizes…different memories. All far too comically small to hold the very souls who rest within. This world is far too cruel to these so called strongest warriors.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

Time is a monster in disguise. For some they are blessed and their time is long, others are shorter or wavering at best, but sometimes the monster known as time proceeds to partner with illness. Together they rake through the world taking away peoples time and replacing it with something much crueller. An illness that takes away peoples memory. Taking away the memories of the time they once spent with their family. Neither of these monsters care for those affected by their doings as they see it merely as entertainment.

These two monsters have now decided it was my own family that is to suffer the repocusions of their game, they must be laughing at how we all are and our attempts at handling each wave of news we recieve. I never thought I would find myself in a hospital so often. If only I could exchange my time for theirs.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

It's funny isn't it, how just a few words can break someone down entirely to the point they just wish to merely stop existing for a while. Not death, no that's far to dramatic at this state. People these days truly have no regard for those other than themselves, this has been evidently more clear the more I am having to forceable interact with the general public. Of course along side that there is the whole other worldly inhuman actions of when one speaks true facts about being alone and then suddenly speaks up so kindly making false claims. Like they want to devaluate your feelings and make you feel guilty for stating things that are clearly true. There is only one person I deem a true friend in this life, one who knows my outtake on life and helps no judgement not do they have the intend of leaving me to be alone. If only others took a moment to think in their head what that person is going through behind whatever front they put up. Spoken words are weapon wielded by the monsters known as humans, and I can reassure you reader...I am something not human.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

So many asociate those who are depressed to be suicidical and of course that means that they want to die and stop living but sometimes that is not always the case. I have carried all those titles in my short time and I find it comical people always assume I want to die because that is not always true. My normal wish is to merely disappear, not to die but to just exist. No one to talk to, no one talking at me and no worries at all. Not to work, not to study, not to eat and drink but to just exist in an empty space. But people do not understand this concept, even though there have been books written on why people wish to do this and even now people just assume those deemed "suicidal" only wish for the cravings of death. Yet as the image above says, a lot of people may fear death yet they are weirdly drawn to it but once someone expresses their feelings of wanting to meet with death they become acgressive and start to yell how they're ungrateful for the live they have now. It's rather complex isn't it? The fragility of a persons mental state. Not that I dwell on this much, do you fellow readers?

[doeslivinghavevalue]

So these days I have noticed I am the one everyone looks past, as if I am a poster on the walls of an old building just waiting to be demolished. Of course people always show off their friendships online and what people never realise is how much it could actually hurt someone. Cringe yes I know but when it is you that brought these very people together and now everyone goes off in different groups after acting oh so friendly to you in person then once you leave the room you don't even exist in their lives at all. It sometimes makes me wonder why I even try with talking to people offline but then when I disappear to avoid this everyoine flocks to me asking whats wrong and if I am okay. Do I ever give them the true answer? Of course not, I smile and laugh a telling them I'm okay and just lost my phone or it died and they accept this without a second thought. Just puts into perspective how naive people these days can truely be. Have you encountered this before dear readers, or have you been lucky enough to avoid this?

[doeslivinghavevalue]

The one thing I truly hate about living, aside from the lack of value in it, is how painful emotions can be.

For example, I give clear signs that I am struggling yet no one has offered to talk with me without judgement. I have even told people up front that I am not okay but of course I play up that it's all okay and it'll pass. It's gotten to the point where no one takes me seriously anymore.

Usually, I am not one to care, but upon occasion, all I ask is a listening ear and nothing more, yet I can't even receive that. This world is truly a cruel one, isn't it, my dear readers?

If one of you needs a listening ear, I will be present.

Until next time,

Be well,my readers.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

It has been a whilst hasn't it readers? Well today I shall lay my thoughts bare for you all. I have these written ans labelled as thoughts no one will see which is true in many sense. I do not iintend to act on any of these, they are merely thoughts.

Maybe sleeping forever would be better. Turning out the lights and spending my Eternity in the arms of death. Sure sounds nice.

I find it funny that when I am verbal about struggling I'm often met with hostility or brushed off entirely. Do people really believe them using a tone will help the situation?

Who thought it would be smart to leave someone who is in a dark place? I admit I don't understand how some people can sleep through the night knowing someone is suffering.

Does anyone really care? Are they merely claiming I have worth to keep me around longer? Well if all else fails I do love close to a bridge.

I am a tragic joke of a human.

The last one holds to much truth to it in my opinion.

Farewell readers, until we meet once more.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

You're probably wondering who writes these. Wondering if they're merely the works of a novelist who dabbles in the realm of fictional writings or if what is written here are true feelings, a place for inner thoughts to be spread out instead of couped up inside the mind of a crazy person.

Well I'm here today to clear up those possible questions you might be having, or may not be having.

My name is Nai, I am 21 and I dabble in writing non-fictional feeling of myself. I word these meticulously, as so they come across as fictional thoughts and feelings of a character with no name.

I claim to be a novelist in a way as I word myself in that way, with the plans of writing a short story comprised of "diary entries", that being what I have written here on this account. Much like others, I am not a colourful person. I view myself as plain, grey even.

Well this is getting long. May we meet again dear reader, then I shall greet you again.

Until then.

はりねず版男子メーカー(2)

----------- ○OK! ■SNSアイコン・ヘッダー ■TRPG(セッション用立ち絵/キャラシ画像等) ■加工(左右反転・トリミング・文字入れ・アクセサリー追加・色調補正等) 追記:黒子/髪色の変更→大丈夫です！ ■メーカーを元にした創作キャラ作り (また、

[doeslivinghavevalue]

People probably wonder what I do with my darker thoughts, well my dear readers it's quite simple.

I merely fantasise them into short stories, this way people will just believe that it is another work of fiction on the internet without knowing any real reason behind the work itself, but I guess that is how this world works no?

Maybe one day I will upload my work here, althought I doubt it would be kindly accepted as it covers the topics to which the population cover up and ignore.

Would you care to take a meander into that of the recesses of my mind? I assure you it would be quite the journey but worth it in the end.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

They get so loud sometimes, the thoughts in my head that is. Music can only temporarily dull them out and keep me stable enough to pull through yet another night.

Much like the sky outside my locked window, my thoughts grow dark. It seems my thoughts change with the sky, starting out as brighter and placid but slowly but inevitably turning much darker.

I am not a happy being, yet I am also unable to truly be myself around anyone I call a friend. Why? Because if I was to be my true self they would surely leave and I do not wish to spend my life in isolation.

I anticipate the day I can finally turn out the bright lights of this realm we call reality before I fall into the dark and warm embrace of what we call death.

Do not follow me on this journey of mine, if I choose to take this journal I can merely request that you understand. This is the road I will take if I choose.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

As my days pass by, my chest feels heavier. As if there was a weight placed directly in the centre of my chest and as each day flows by this weight I bare only grows heavier. This weight has made not only my heart heavy, but my body also and well as limiting my ability to breathe as freely as I once used to. As of last night I found myself unable to breathe, unable to see as tears endlessly ebbed and flowed from my eyes. The only binding factor I had was the harsh fabric that encapsulated the floor of my bedroom, door closed and music loud yet nothing worked until I was left empty.  I wish to keep breathing, this pain is not welcome yet it is as of current unavoidable for me. I do not wish this kind of pain on any other human, so I shall opt to deal with this crushing pain alone. I do not wish to suffocate in these binds we call emotion, I wish to relinquish this at the first moment possible.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

People are horrible creatures. They seem approachable and friendly yet so many are monsters in disguse. Luring the gullible in and eating away at their will to live. Yet in life we are not told about these kinds of monsters as they are not ficticious by any means, but impossibly real. I have encountered many monsters in my life time and from the torment each has brought me I have merely resigned. I no longer socialise nor do I have the intension of doing so willingly.

Can you distinguish between that of a genuine soul or that of a monster?

[doeslivinghavevalue]

As of recent I have noticed something rather comical. Speaking as a Dazai Osamu kin, there is a severe lack of people asking how we are. I myself am seen as a comical character, playing the fool in everyone’s lives for the sake of their happiness. Keeping them happy with the fool I make of myself but underneath the thick surface I am not well. I struggle in silence, when I am verbal I am merely brushed off and told by who I speak to “Oh I’m no good when it comes to stuff like that”, then once I speak up once more they get defensive saying nothing they say will help. This is why you need to be persistent, not just get angry and defensive and disappear. In the world I am well and truly alone.

[doeslivinghavevalue]

These days I have come to realised that I do not live for myself, but for the passing entertainment of others. Playing the part the world requires me to, playing the fool if you will. But of course this is no way for someone to live, no? If this was not the intended way for someone to live, why is it that it has become my forced reality? If it were up to me I would wonder this world showing my true emotions, how I love feeling void of human emotions and limitations.

By no means am I superior to anyone else, more inferior as I have forfeited the ability to call myself a human being. But I do encourage that you join me one day, a trial as such. If you enjoy it you are free to join me wondering with no limitations.

Would you like to become invisible to? Join me and give it a try even if only for a while

[doeslivinghavevalue]

People say everything passes and that time heals all wounds. I personally do not agree with that statement. Being a human consists of feeling emotions, and the complex of working to live or living to work. I merely live. I do not feel, I do not partake. Therefore I am barely what they call a human. I may function as one does but in my actions, personality and appearance I resemeble that of a broken porcelain doll. Left out to age as the world goes by, only gaining more cracks and fractures.

Join me for a while will you reader?

[doeslivinghavevalue]

Recently, I have been walking this world as a soul with no home. Not within myself or within a place or object. Yet I do not wish to find solace either.. I may not be feeling anything but maybe one day as I roam this world alone I will find something that brings me genuine happiness or at least a sense of comfort. Until then, I shall wonder. Wonder with no worldly limitations or boundaries, care to join me?

[metamorphesque]

— Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human