This is an example of what the research calls “authoritarian” parenting–parents are in control, they set the rules, and if children don’t follow them, they face strict punishments.
Authoritarian parenting is, on the whole, not effective. Research rather unanimously supports this point. It produces kids who are generally well-behaved, but that’s because they are typically trying to follow the rules. There is a world of difference between raising a child who follows the rules and one who thinks for themselves, and research supports this: kids raised in authoritarian households score poorer on moral reasoning than kids raised with slightly more permissive, democratic (but still authoritative–that is, having some authority) parents.
In some populations, authoritarian parenting like this is associated with higher risk of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Kids from these kinds of families form poorer relationships with their parents and are more likely to reject them in adolescence. They are less resourceful (since they come from a household where too much initiative or individuality is punished), more likely to engage in delinquency over time (because they aren’t taught independent moral reasoning, just a black-and-white Right and Wrong dichotomy) and less self-reliant (because their parents never allowed them to develop their own skills for navigating the world).
Think about all of that, especially that last point, in relation to this photo. Others have already covered how parenting like this can be abusive. But if you’re late coming home and you encounter this, what do you take away?
It’s possible you learn, “I must follow my parents’ rules.” That’s what people hope this will teach. But here are some alternate interpretations:
I am a guest in my own home. My right to a safe environment can be revoked at any time.
Because the punishment is the same either way, it doesn’t matter if I’m a minute later or out all night.
Punishing me is more important than working with me. In general, punishment is more important than cooperation.
I cannot trust my parents with extenuating circumstances. I must adhere precisely to their rules or risk losing access to my home.
Parenting like this doesn’t give children or adolescents the opportunity to develop their own problem-solving skills, because their parents treat their independence as a personal threat. And that’s utterly ridiculous, because in the adult world, there aren’t rules. No one says you have to be home by 9. No one says you have to make your bed before you can have breakfast. Sure, laws exist, but the rules enforced by authoritarian parents are so much more restrictive than any public code in a democratic country. By enforcing a rigid set of rules, authoritarian parents attempt to do the thinking for their children instead of allowing them to develop their own habits of self-regulation by experiencing natural consequences.
Look, kids and adolescents are smart. At that stage in our lives, we exist to learn. We’re learning from school, learning from our parents, learning from our surroundings. We learn from consequences, yes, but when it comes to preparing a kid for independence, the most realistic types of consequences are those that are non-arbitrary and natural.
Does a kid stay up too late on a school night? Guess what, they’re gonna be hella tired tomorrow. Being exhausted isn’t pleasant. They’ll probably learn to self-regulate. You don’t need to take away their phone privileges or dock their alliance, because those consequences have nothing to do with the behavior you’re trying to teach. What’d be more absurd would be punishing that kid by blaring loud music the following night–that exacerbates the mistake and teaches the kid that parents are there to make a bad situation worse.
Did your kid stay out late and you’re concerned about their safety? You don’t implement a consequence that exacerbates the issue of their un-safety. Congratulations, you just made their entire home feel unsafe. Guess who’s probably going to spend more nights at friends’ now?
The alternative to authoritarian, “my way or the highway” parenting is an approach that’s a bit more permissive and democratic. It’s not lax, “anything goes” parenting, and it’s not uninvolved, neglectful parenting, but parenting with a balance of parental authority and children’s independence. (Helpfully, this is referred to in the literature as authoritative parenting, which is not at all confusing.) Authoritative parenting like this is well supported by the research. It gives children the support they need to grow and strive and allows them to develop skills necessary for leading a successful, independent life, but also gives parents a degree of authority in their families. It is not consequence-free parenting, it is just not punitive parenting.
And research shows it works. Kids raised in these permissive, authoritative families are as well-behaved, if not better, than kids raised under strict, authoritative parents. They learn to self-regulate, to navigate the world, to solve problems, to seek resources. They are much better equipped to interact in a world where the ultimate overseer of their daily interactions is not a harsh, punitive dictator… but themselves.
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
gracieabrams
germansingergirl
ellievsbear
