This straight guy, who weāll call Mike, has been roommates with Alex for a year. When Alex told Mike he was gay, he was absolutely fine with it. But then when Alex started to bring guys homeā¦he started getting annoyed, resentful, disgusted.
Posting on Reddit, he said: āFirst things first, let me say that Iāve never thought of myself as being discriminatory before. I had a gay friend in high school and we made it through some tough times together, I never felt weird about him dating a guy. So all of this is coming out of nowhere.
āāAlexā has been my roommate for one year, and I pretty much knew upfront about him being gay. At some point we became friendly enough with each other that we could even joke about it, as in, sometimes heāll pretend to flirt with me and Iāll pretend to flirt back. Iām straight and he knows that, but I donāt feel threatened by him flirting with me and he says most straight guys do.
āThe problems started because of this: Alex brings guys home sometimes. At the start I thought I was okay with it, since itās really not my business who he sleeps with. Heās usually discreet enough about it that I donāt see/hear anything I wouldnāt want to see/hear from anyone else, but for some reason Iāve started feeling weird if I even see him with other guys.
āI donāt know when it started but one time that really sticks out to me is when I came home and saw him and some guy making out on the couch. I donāt know how to describe what it was like to see that, except that for a moment I felt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. Alex was embarrassed (he didnāt think Iād be back for a while), but I told him it was okay since I was embarrassed too.
āI felt bad for being as disgusted as I was, since thereās NO good reason for me to have a reaction like that. I thought maybe they just caught me by surprise and thatās why I reacted so strongly, but it turned out it wasnāt a one-time thing. After that, every time he has a guy over (not that often, but every once in a while) I just start feeling like shit and wishing that guy would leave, and I canāt stop thinking about what these guys might have done to him even though I donāt want to imagine that. It makes me really uncomfortable and grossed out. And these are just guys he fools around with, I donāt know what Iād do if he ends up getting an actual boyfriend.
āAlex has started to notice and itās affecting our friendship. The other day I came home right when some guy was about to leave, and the guy tried to be polite to me but I ended up being rude to him (donāt remember what I said, but it was really obvious I was pissed). When the guy left, Alex asked me why I was being an asshole. I didnāt know what to say, but then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys. I said no. For some reason that pissed him off more and he said I canāt complain since I used to bring my fuckbuddy over and he was forced to see me being affectionate with her sometimes. (I was in an FWB situation with a girl in the early days of me and Alex living together, but I broke it off after a few months and I havenāt done anything with anyone since.) I agreed with him and told him I was just having a bad day and I donāt care who he sleeps with, but he looked more upset and told me heās going to a friendās place to cool off. I said okay. When he was leaving for some reason he casually said, āand youāll be okay if I sleep with him as long as I do at his place and not ours, right?ā Or something like that. I told him itās none of my business what he does at someone elseās place, but when he said that I felt sick to my stomach and couldnāt stop thinking about it.
āHe didnāt show up later that night even though he was supposed to hang out with me and my sister. Heās never blown me off before and it made me feel like shit, but part of it was my fault since I made him feel like I was judging him for sleeping with guys. Now heās acting like nothing happened but Iām worried I might mess things up if it happens again. I want to keep him as a friend, but heād be hurt if he knew that whenever I think about him with other guys it disgusts me.
āHow do I deal with this? Iāve never been homophobic but Iāve suddenly developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my roommateās sex life makes me uncomfortable. And I donāt react like this to other gay people either, itās just Alex. I donāt know if this means Iām only okay with gay people as long as Iām not living with them or what. Does anyone else have experience with this? I want to get over myself and stop whatever this is, but if I canāt Iām going to have to leave since the last thing I want to do is hurt Alex, and if I stay here and keep automatically judging him for his lifestyle thatās whatās going to happen.
ātl;dr: Roommate is gay, I am not but I thought I was okay with him being gay until I realised I feel crappy when I see him with other guys and itās started to affect our friendship. How to deal with this/stop being such a dick?ā
One Redditor asked: āAre you sure that weird feeling isnāt jealousyā¦? i mean, this only seems to revolve around Alex specifically.ā
And Mike responded: āI thought about that, but I donāt know what Iām meant to be jealous of. He definitely has a more active sex life than I do, but reacting like this to something like that seems really strange and irrational.ā
The Redditor responded: āYeah i thought maybe you donāt like seeing Alex with other people because you want his attention to yourself?ā
āThe day I made the post, I met up with my sister Laura [24F] and I showed her the post. She read the whole thing and called me an oblivious walnut and said it sounds like I have a crush on Alex. The same conclusion some of you came to in the original post.
āAnyway, she talked me through it and we confirmed Iām not as straight as I thought I was. She also pointed out something in my original post, where I said the more I tried to reassure him I didnāt mind who he slept with, the more he got upset. Also: how he brought my old FWB situation into it. I just thought he was understandably mad with me for being an asshole, but Laura thought it sounded like maybe Alex wanted me to be jealous? We moved on from that topic pretty quickly, though, since I couldnāt really handle the implications of that when Iād JUST started to understand that I like this guy.
āThe next few days were mostly me sitting on my ass trying to wrap my head around everything. I was scared of messing up our friendship and losing him, but I was even more scared that I might just let this pass without saying anything and then he gets a boyfriend and I have to see him with another guyā¦etc. Because if that happened I would probably have to end it anyway, since as weāve established, Iām not great at dealing with him being with other guys.
āProbably could have planned it better, but I told him. Right after a Tarantino marathon, if anyoneās interested, since nothing says romance like graphic violence. I told him Iāve been such a dick because I was jealous. I donāt think he got what I was getting at because he just laughed a little and said I didnāt have to be jealous since it wasnāt like Iād have any trouble finding people to sleep with me. No clue how I explained, itās a blur. Luckily he saw how nervous I was so he knew I was serious.
āWe talked. Long story short: all that flirting was real, but Alex didnāt have any hope of it going further because of me being an oblivious āstraightā guy. So heās been trying to get over me. He laughed really hard when I told him about how I mistook my jealousy for homophobia, and he teased me by saying heād never expected me to be the jealous type. Then again, we both ended up laughing a lot of out of nervousness and awkwardness. Iāve never seen him like that before since heās usually pretty confident. In the end we agreed to maybe try something out, and we kissed. Never kissed anyone with a beard before, soā¦interesting experience, but also really good. (Plot twist: it turns out I donāt have any problem with Alex kissing guys if itās me heās kissing.)
āSince then weāve kind of been easing into the whole dating thing, I guess? I know this place is wary about roommate relationships and I get why, but itās been great so far. We had our first proper date last weekend and it was incredible, though a bit weird since weāve done that a thousand times already and this time there was a new context. At home we still do our normal thing, but sometimes we get distracted. Last night I almost burned dinner because I had to kiss him and we got kind of carried away, haha. Weāre taking the whole sex thing slow though since Iāve never done anything with another guy before.
āIām a little worried about coming out to my family and my other friends, especially since this is almost as new for me as it would be for them. My parents are very openminded and my mom especially loves Alex. But I have some more conservative family members on my dadās side, and I can already imagine them blaming Alex for turning me gay. They can also be pretty racist (Lauraās boyfriend is Latino so she knows all about that) and Alex is mixed. Itās something to think about in the longterm, I guess. Alex has said he doesnāt expect me to jump out of the closet right away, but if we end up calling ourselves a couple then Iām not going to keep him a secret or anything.
āSoā¦weāre trying. And I am not a homophobe, and nobody needed therapy. Honestly, I canāt remember the last time I was this happy, and I never would have expected this when I made that first post. Itās a good thing some of you picked up on the actual problem and tried to get it through to me despite me being an oblivious walnut, soā¦thanks, guys.ā
Funniest self-realization in the world? āPlot twist: it turns out I donāt have any problem with Alex kissing guys if itās me heās kissing.ā
