C○○LM○M

mom / wife / farmer / spoonie / chronic illness warrior / bodybuilder / gamer / Dunder Mifflinite / foodie / recovered addict / survivor /

[doodooninja]

Q: How hot is too hot?

A: The limit does not exist.

If I die in the tub from possibly cooking myself in this water, just let them know my back finally won.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[doodooninja]

Gotta love the shit ableist say. 🙄✊

[librarydweller]

I did not choose the sick life, please don’t bill me for it.

[doodooninja]

I honestly can't live like this.

This isn't living.

It's not fair.

How do I continue like this? Overextending my physical capabilities to keep up with simple daily routines?

How can I treat my chronic pain if it's invisible to everyone else?

Swallowing my pain and suffering so deep and so alone I feel like there's an anchor pulling my body down to bottom of a deep lake. Inundated into cold, black oblivion.

just keep s i n k i n g just keep

s

i

n

k

i

n

g

I look fine. I look capable. I'm young.

How do I finally accept I'm disabled and treat this body like the broken piece of shit it is if I look fine. I look capable. I'm young.

I'll never be okay. I'll never be painfree.

What's the use?

[ravencait]

Alive and Dead

How can I explain to you that a piece of me has been stolen away by this, my wretched companion? That I am dying inside? My soul, my spirit are slowly withering away!

At times I think- I am already dead. Yes, I must be! For I no longer feel the joy, passion or desire to create. To create, that was my life blood! If that is gone, I must be dead. I fight every day to get out of bed; to dress, to eat, to walk, to find something outside of my wretched, constant companion to distract me, to remind me what it is to be alive.

Then suddenly I know- I am alive! Because I feel it, pain! That gnawing, burning, unchanging, sharp pressure. Reminding me of it’s ever-loving companionship, however hollow of a promise that may be. However often I try to run, to hide from it or bury myself in my former life. That life is gone. Withering. Dead. This, this pain, is my constant companion, my constant reminder that I am alive and dead all in one.

[black-is-simply-beautiful-deact]

How many times have you said “I’m just tired” like it’s nothing? To downplay your illness because you don’t want to sound like you’re complaining too much.

[doodooninja]

Update:

Everything still hurts.

[doodooninja]

This winter was as cold as you and I

I know you're home, hoping I'm alright

How many times have I left you in the deep?

I don't know why you still believe in me

Oh, oh, and even in my darkest days

Even in my lowest place, you love me the most

And even when I can't stay, even when I run away

You love me the most

So why do I hurt you so? Is it 'cause I know?

Why do I hurt you so? 

Is it 'cause you love me the most?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the most

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Is it 'cause I know? Is it 'cause you love me the most?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the most

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Is it 'cause I know? Yeah

Your tender touch is the healing that I seek

I come to you when my judgement becomes weak

All that you are is all I ever need

I don't know why you still believe in me

Oh, oh, and even in my darkest days

Even in my lowest place, you love me the most

And even when I can't stay, even when I run away

You love me the most

So why do I hurt you so? Is it 'cause I know?

Why do I hurt you so? 

Is it 'cause you love me the most?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the most

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Is it 'cause I know? Is it 'cause you love me the most?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the most

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Is it 'cause I know? Yeah

How many times have I left you in the deep?

I don't know why you still believe in me

Miley Cyrus

[doodooninja]

When laying, standing, sitting and stretching don't work... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[doodooninja]

When laying, standing, sitting and stretching don't work... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

guess I'll die?

[doodooninja]

N u m b

Taking care of other people when you're fighting a debilitating chronic illness can be such a belittling, thankless, and unappreciated duty. To suffer so great but continue to give and give until finally you can curl up into fetal position, like a little roly-poly, and dream of what it would be like to feel nothing. N u m b.

And not the painful kind. Spoonies know what it means to have the 'numb pain', I'm talking to truly feel weightless and

n

u

m

b

[doodooninja]

If I had a dollar for everytime someone asked if I've tried yoga, I'd have enough money to start my own Scoliosis Yoga Center ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  I'd call it Spoonies!

[doodooninja]

Spiral arm of the Milky Way Galaxy above my farm. Managed to manually capture this shot on my cellphone!

The outtakes with the fireflies are too cool not to share.

[doodooninja]

Waiting for a good day...

Does anyone else seriously struggle remembering the last day they had minimal to no pain at all? I can't. I'm only 27 and I can't recall the last time I truly felt pain-free. Today I couldn't pull up my hair or brush my teeth without excruciating pain and it got me reminiscing on an easier time apparently I don't even remember...  ಠ_ಠ #ihatemycurve

[doodooninja]

Healing is hard when your pain is chronic.

[fibrofox]

[doodooninja]

My 3 kids + Chronic illness

2013/2015/2017

3 pregnancies

3x hyperemesis gravidarum

3 deliveries - 1 external cephalic version leading to an emergency C-section + 2 VBAC's (vaginal births after cesarean)

3 babies to Moby wrap and babywear

3 bed sharing babies

3 breastfeeding babies

3 strollers

3 car seats

3 baths

3 mouths to feed

3 butts to wipe

3 butts to potty train

3 meals to make

3 meals to clean up

3 individual humans and their full spectrum of emotions and needs

3 kids worth of laundry

3x the dishes

3x the tantrums

3 piggy back rides

3 kids to dress

3 shoes to tie

3 beds to make

3x the toys to clean up

3 kids to carry

3 kids to inspire and bring happiness

3x the work

3 bedtimes

3 reasons to keep fighting

3 humans who love me no matter how much I hurt

3 spinning images of my supportive and adoring husband

3 reasons to be proud of myself no matter what I can and can't do

3 reasons I never give up

3 reasons I push myself too far

3 reasons I can't heal

3 reasons I don't care

3 reasons I do