uno, dos, tres, cuatro!

[dougdeppert]

Emergency! Someone in my adult kickball league has been suffering shin splits for the last couple of practices and they're going to have to sit out the next game, so we need somebody to sub in, stat! If you're at all athletically inclined -- or, to be honest, just good at kicking balls and mildly jogging from one base to another -- please reply because I'd hate for us to have to drop out this season. Thanks in advance!

[dougdeppert]

text 👔 open

Le Fou: I'm thinking of testing the waters with a new tailor. does anyone know of any good suit places? and they must be excellent otherwise there will be no point in this conversation.

Doug: I think it goes without saying that Evie's brilliant! Her tailoring skills are top notch and you won't find someone more creative than her anywhere in Auradon. As her associate, I can say we'd be honored to have your business.

[dougdeppert]

TEXT || DOUGESS

Jess: Oh, Douggie, it's so cute that this shocks you! But, yeah, honestly, reality TV can get pretty wild so if you really wanna dive into it, you gotta be prepared!

Doug: Why, thank you! But it also IS just shocking, isn't it? I don't think you'd be into me if I showed up to our first date in a cat suit, would you? I think I've decided that if I'm to watch reality tv ever again, it has to be with you. Any recommendations for a tv marathon date?

[dougdeppert]

TEXT || DOUGLOS

Carlos: Trying new stuff is good! I probably wouldn't have gone for something like the Bachelorette for your first reality tv show, but what do I know? Most of what I watch are reruns of Myth Busters and crime dramas like NCIS. Have you tried something more like Keeping Up With the Kardashians? Or do you like the competition aspect, just not THAT competition?

Doug: I think my theory was that if I was diving into the reality TV pool, I might as well jump into the deep end, but you're right, that wasn't the best first move. I think a competition aspect makes things more interesting than just a 'watch this family be famous' show? At least, personally, there's little to no value in the latter. I'd rather watch Myth Busters or NCIS though. I particularly love NCIS, especially the earlier seasons. Who's your favorite character? I'm a Ziva stan myself.

[dougdeppert]

TEXT || JORG

Jordan: If THAT was enough to make you turn it off, then you're probably better off not trying again. I have to admit that the furry thing was a LITTLE weird, but in the grand scheme of Bachelor franchise b.s.? That was TAME, Dougie.

Doug: Yeah, I had a feeling somewhere between the furry makeout session and the blow up doll that maybe the Bachelorette wasn't exactly the right show for me but it's good to get external validation on that. That was TAME though? What, is there generally bondage or something???

[dougdeppert]

TEXT || DOUGLOS

Carlos: Oh, wow. I can't say I've ever been a fan of the show either, but I can see why people watch it from that statement alone? Weird stuff like that gets all kinds of attention.

Doug: I just wanted to try something new and reality TV in general is pretty new to me although now I wish I hadn't. I'm just earnestly shocked that Cat Suit was a move that worked on anybody? Especially when she had like 30 other men in real suits vying for her attention. I officially don't understand women. Although I guess I don't need to since I already have Jess. As long as I understand HER, I'm good, right?

[dougdeppert]

TEXT || OPEN

Doug: So I had some free time and got curious and started watching this season of The Bachelorette and I had to stop when I saw the Bachelorette making out with a man in a full cat suit on the first episode. I've never watched the show before, is this typical? Does that move WORK on people?

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 sloug

Sleepy: As long as you know how to use it, it's safe....?

Sleepy: idk i just think me and Maya kinda slowed things down. we talk still but it's definitely not the same. i think its like some kind of summer break? but idk what that means for /after/ summer. we've both graduated.

Doug: Just because you know how to use something doesn't mean it can't be dangerous! Drivers have to be licensed and car accidents still happen all the time. Just saying.

Doug: I mean like... no offense, but it's not like Maya is your girlfriend, right? There's a difference between being in a relationship and just being two people who sleep together so it doesn't really behoove you to compare yourself to me and Jess. If you want to know what's happening or what that means for you two though, the only real solution is just to ask Maya? No one aside from the two of you can decide or even really guess at what's happening in your situationship other than you both.

[dougdeppert]

do you ever worry that evie's boy-craziness will disrupt you guys's business someday?

No, but I do worry about how judgmental you are. @evie--grimhilde is a grown woman. Seeking out connections doesn’t make her “boy crazy”, it makes her human, and it certainly isn’t a hindrance because business is booming. 

honesty hour!

[dougdeppert]

if you could choose another dad, which of your uncles would you choose and why?

If I could choose another dad, I wouldn’t. I love my dad and there’s no reason I’d have for wanting another. If I had to pick? It’d probably be my Uncle Happy. He’s a sweetheart.

honesty hour!

[jessgibbs]

is it weird to you to be dating someone younger than you?

@dougdeppert is literally only two years younger than me, so... no?

[dougdeppert]

I’m surprised anyone even asked you that, wow. 

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 sloug

Sleepy: Yeah! They sell them in stores of course they're safe!

Sleepy: Hey dude you and Jess still talk and like meet up and stuff, right?

Doug: They sell knives in stores too! Very unsafe!

Doug: Jess as in my girlfriend Jess? Yes, of course we still talk and meet up and stuff. That's what people do in relationships. Why?

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 dane

Jane: I think i sorta joined a cult last night?

Doug: I'm sorry, WHAT?!

Doug: I'm going to need like an iota more of information, Jane! Do you realize what a concerning sentence that is?!

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 sloug

Sleepy: I wonder if they couldn't find me I was under so many bags. You wouldnt think I'd sink but I did. I should be good though, I had some caffeine pills I could use the walk home.

Doug: You probably were hidden but that's weird, I wouldn't think you'd sink at all. And wait, caffeine pills? Are those safe?

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 douglos

Carlos: DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU!

Doug: OKAY, I WON'T.

Doug: Curiosity is KILLING me though.

Doug: I'll delete it but do you want to tell me who it WAS for? As a sort of reward for not peeking even though it's absolutely killing me?

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 den

Ben: I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of Nutella right now, because it's really tempting... especially since I have a jar of peanut butter next to me. I could make a PB&N sandwich!

Doug: You're going to have to learn eventually that I am *not* the ideal friend to talk you down from food adventures. In fact, I'd call myself an enabler, because a PB&N sounds amazing! If you're afraid of the additional calorie intake, you could always come to a game of kickball with me! It'll work it right off!

[dougdeppert]

text 💬 groug

Greta: 'Get out of your relationship and into my pants.'

Greta: Would that line work on you? Because I said it to some dude I was gaming with as a total joke and he was READY TO FUCK INSTANTLY???

Doug: Um, NO, that wouldn't work on me at all, because I'm loyal? And also, that's so aggressive, that wouldn't work on me even if I was single. It sounds like you joked with the wrong guy if he's scummy enough to agree. Maybe you should warn his girlfriend.