I know I said no updates soon, but Iâm emotionally stressed out, so I need to compensate xD Btw, 3 parts.
He watched Hyde getting dressed â without hurry, but very deliberate.
He was still sitting on the bed, buttoning his shirt slowly. Short dark hair was falling onto his forehead and the late afternoon light played gently on his cheekbones.
He wasnât rushing to get out of here, but the message was clear anyway.
With a low sign yasu rolled to his side, running his palm over the pillows next to himself to straighten out the creases their passionate play had left behind. The material was still warm from Hydeâs body heat and with a little frown yasu brushed aside a long black hair clinging to it.
Hyde wasnât even trying to cover up that he was having sex with other people in this very bed. A lot of other people, assumingly.
Yasu knew that it shouldnât bother him. They werenât in the kind of relationship where he was allowed to be bother and Hyde had made it pretty clear from the very beginning, what this was all about. The clear hints didnât make him feel jealous, just self-conscious. Hyde was the only person he had gotten physical with in a pretty long while already. The hair on the pillow weakened his position, made him loose a race he had joined unintentionally. He should go out. Live more.
âYouâre always so eager to get away from meâ, yasu joked. âI could just stay, you know? Itâs a pain in the ass to always go back to my apartment in the evening.â
Hyde was fully dressed already but hadnât gotten up from the bed yet. Now, he turned around to eye him with slight amusement.
Suddenly, yasu felt very aware of the fact that he still hadnât moved, that he was still naked and long strands of hair were still sticking to his neck.
âYou know my codex. Spending the night together is the corpus delicti of love. I read that somewhere, so it must be true.â
Yasu managed a cheeky smile.
âRead? Like, in a book? You?â, he teased.
Of course, he knew the rules from Hydeâs codex; had known them from the very beginning. No cuddling after sex, no spending the night, nothing that led to serious feelings and romantic involvement.
Generally, yasu was fine with that. Just sometimes â sometimes he wished Hyde wouldnât get up immediately but hold him for just a little bit longer. It wasnât Hyde he longed for, though. He just craved the comfort of a gentle touch now and then.
âOh, shut up!â, Hyde shouted and picked up one of the pillows to throw it at yasu.
But he wasnât trying hard and the pillow tumbled onto the sheets before it even reached him. It was a childish gesture, but also affectionate.
âAnyway, shouldnât you be rushing to get back home to Mr.Perfect?â, he asked.
âMore like Mr.Painfully-straight-and-oblivious-to-my-feelingsâ, he corrected.
Hyde snorted, but he could see his eyes soften.
He was the only one who knew.
Yasu didnât even remember why he had told him â him of all people. They hadnât been especially close back then, but the words had spilled out to the first person, who seemed willing to listen. He hadnât been able to keep it to himself any longer. And Hyde had understood. Soon afterwards they had had sex for the first time.
âWant to talk about it?â, he asked softly. âWeâll make some tea and Iâll listen.â
He wanted to talk about it. Wanted to talk about it every waking minute of the day, because it was something that didnât go away, but stayed on his mind constantly. But he didnât want to bother Hyde with it. It was always the same old story anyway.
âI donât knowâ, he said quietly.
Hyde nodded and got up from the bed, walking towards the door.
âIâll make some tea anyway.â
Yasu stared after him through the open door. He wanted to stay in this bed just a little longer. He wanted Hyde to come back with tea and maybe kiss him on the forehead.
But he knew that this was not going to happen, so he got up instead, putting his clothes back on.
The sex with Hyde was always great. Their agreement was going on for several months already and they were meeting at least twice a week. Still, there was a distance between them that was hard to overcome.
Yasu walked into the living room, that led straight to a more or less open kitchen. Hyde was sitting at the table there, two cups of tea in front of him.
He gestured for yasu to sit down opposite to him, but he shook his head slightly, leaning against the kitchen counter awkwardly instead.
Their sex was fun. Their talks were fun. Sometimes they did other things that were fun, too; like going to the movies or out to a restaurant. But Hyde was deliberately keeping it apart strictly. They never had deep conversations in the bedroom, never got too affectionate with each other. Even now he had arranged it that the table between them would keep a distance. It was like being with two different people and that was probably the goal he was aiming for. He had a friend named Hyde and a sex-partner named Hyde. If he were both in one person, it would have made them something that was too close to being lovers.
But sometimes it made yasu feel uncomfortable. Especially right after sex he wasnât able to switch as fast as Hyde and now it almost felt like facing a stranger.
âI think, Iâll be going homeâ, he excused himself.
His voice sounded listless, because he wasnât very keen on what awaited him there. But staying now would have felt even weirder.
âIt would be easier, if you werenât living togetherâ, Hyde pointed out.
He knew what Hyde was implying. He ought to move out. If he ever wanted to get over him, he needed to move out. But yasu wasnât quite sure he was ready yet to move on â either way.
There was a moment of silence.
Hyde never felt the need to fill the quiet with words desperately and that was one reason yasu found it relatively easy to open up to him.
âHow did it end?â, he asked abruptly.
In confusion Hyde raised his eyebrows.
âThe bookâ, yasu explained. âThe one you took your codex from. How did it end?â
âA lot of people were very sadâ, he said.
Yasu frowned, looking over to the front door. He would leave in a moment.
âIt does not really sound like the kind of book you should turn to for a solutionâ, he mumbled.
Hyde made a small noise, he couldnât quite identify.
âIâm not the kind of guy you should turn to for a solutionâ, he replied softly.
Yasu understood all too well, what he meant by that. He was looking for a certain kind of comfort, was craving a certain kind of tenderness, that Hyde could not provide. He wasnât the cure to how he felt.
âBut if you need anything, let me knowâ, Hyde added. âAs your friend.â
Yasu sighed. To him, the term âfriendâ had gotten very complicated lately.
The apartment was dark and empty, when yasu came home. Without even switching on the light he crossed the living room. The familiar shadows of the furniture were showing in the last lights of early evenings.
They hadnât made a lot of changes since moving in a couple of years ago. Everything here seemed to hold a whole bunch of memories. The couch had been too big for the elevator, so they had to drag it up the stairs themselves. The shelf above the tv was slanting visibly, because none of them had been good with the drill on the day they put it up.
They hadnât been very sober on the day they put it up, either.
He loved this place, just like he loved his best friend. In a very painful way.
He wondered where he was now. Out, probably. With his girlfriend, most likely.
Yasu went to his room, switched on the light and sat down on the bed. It was the only place in the apartment where ka-yu did not seem to be present so violently, but even here he had left his traces behind.
The poster beside his closet â ka-yu had gotten it for his first birthday after moving in. The bedsheets he was now sitting on â they had bought them together on their first weekend living in Tokyo. The dirty tour-shirt laying on the floor â ka-yu had introduced him to this band in the first place.
With a hollow sigh yasu ran his hand over his face.
He was in a weird mood today and he knew that nothing good was going to come out of his sad thoughts tonight. He ought to go to sleep. It was still early, but he had nothing better to do. Â He did not want to be alone, but the only person he wanted to be with was ka-yu. And there was no point in waiting around for him. Even if he came home soon, there was a fair chance that his girlfriend would come along, too. Yasu didnât dislike her as a person. She was pretty alright. He just disliked her as ka-yuâs girlfriend.
With another sigh he got up, going to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.
In front of the mirror an entire army of cremes, make-up brushes and lipsticks blocked the sight of his own reflection.
Lately, ka-yuâs girlfriend was leaving more and more stuff at their apartment. Especially the bathroom had turned into a womanâs territorial. They were getting serious. It was only a matter of time until they would consider moving in with each other. Yasu already felt like the third wheel at his own place.
For a very brief second, he wanted to cry, but kept himself in check.
It wasnât their fault. It was nobodyâs fault.
He closed the bathroom door behind himself, going straight to bed.
There was nothing to keep him awake except for his worries, and they would still be there in the next morning.
He pulled up the blanket and listened to the silence around him. The apartment lay so quiet, when ka-yu was not around. It made the loneliness inside him grow to infinity.
It was the worst, when he was home alone.
It was the worst, when he wasnât home alone.
Yasu walked into the living room, just to find something disgusting on his own couch: A happy couple.
âHere, baby, try thisâ, ka-yu just said and fed his girlfriend with something from his chopsticks.
It was so lovey-dovey that yasu felt sick immediately.
âHey, guysâ, he said.
âOh, yasu, you home?â, ka-yu asked surprised and the girl waved at him.
They were dating for months already, but yasu refused to think of her by her name. It felt too much like accepting that she would stay part of their lives for a long time. He wondered if she knew he didnât like her, but then she probably did. All of ka-yuâs girlfriends had known he didnât like them. Women had a sense for that.
âYeahâ, yasu mumbled, feeling stupid and angry both at once. âWe wanted to drink together today and watch that movie, remember? I bought beer.â
âOh.â Ka-yu looked apologetic. âI completely forgot about that.â
Yasu shrugged. He didnât point out it wasnât the first time he forgot something like that. They used to hang out a lot and joke around and talk, but by now there was always three of them.
âWeâre going shopping tomorrow early in the morning. Ka-yu shouldnât drinkâ, the girl chimed in.
Yasu restrained himself from rolling his eyes. There was so much wrong with this statement, but it was obvious ka-yu didnât notice. Ka-yu was in love and pointing it out would make yasu the asshole, so he kept shut.
âBut you can sit with us. Have a beer, please.â
Ka-yu pointed at the armchair next to them and yasu shrugged once more.
He did not want to hang out with them, but he did not want to sit in his room all alone, either. Moreover, ka-yu looked guilty and he wanted to pretend it was okay for his sake. Heâd really need a drink for that, though.
So, he got the beer from the fridge and opened the first can, slumping down in the armchair.
The others had finished their meal by now and ka-yu was playing with the long hair of his girlfriend.
She wasnât even especially pretty, yasu thought. Or maybe she was, and he just didnât like to admit it.
The beer was cold and he was drinking it a little too fast.
There was an awkward silence in the room.
âWe could still watch that movieâ, he finally suggested.
Ka-yu waved it off, as if he had already considered it.
âYou know, itâs a horror movie. And Miho doesnât really like those, so âŚâ, he said.
Yasu opened the second can of beer already.
The girl raised their eyebrows in quiet judgement, but yasu ignored it.
If he was in a relationship with ka-yu, he wouldnât order him around, tell him what to watch or when to drink. They wouldnât do that weird couple shit like feeding each other. They would just sit on the couch next to each other, chat and laugh like they always did. And they would kiss and yasu would be allowed to fall asleep in those pretty arms. Everything would be easy and uncomplicated and he would do his best to make him happy, because he knew his friend so much better than one of those stupid girls, who met him a few weeks ago and already left her make-up in their bath.
âAre you going shopping for something specific tomorrow?â, yasu asked, just to get a conversation going; just any conversation at all.
âThe new summer collection is outâ, the girl beamed. âKa-yu promised to buy me a cute dress. Right, darling?â
She looked at ka-yu and ka-yu smiled.
She didnât deserve him. His eyes, his lips, the way he held his body, his taste in movies and his sense of humour, the way he looked when he was sleepy and the awful breakfast he made when yasu was hungover, all of it was perfect. And she didnât deserve any of it.
âItâs just a couple thingâ, she added and yasu knew that she was going to say something mean immediately.
âYouâd understand, if you had a girlfriend. But you havenât been in a relationship for so long, yasu, isnât that right? Ka-yu told me you havenât been dating anyone seriously since years already. Maybe you should go out more, instead of sitting at home and getting drunk.â
âMaybe sheâs rightâ, ka-yu agreed, instead of defending him. âWhy donât you try to meet a nice girl yourself, yasu?â
âWell, alrightâ, yasu huffed angrily.
They had no right to attack him like that. They had no idea of what he wanted â or whom he wanted.
So, he just got up, ready to storm off.
âIâm going out since you obviously donât want me around anyway. And Iâm taking the beer.â
He took up the remaining cans and went out, ignoring ka-yuâs voice calling after him to calm down.
He was angry and frustrated. He didnât tell them how to live their lives, although he really had an opinion on that. Couldnât they just leave him alone? The whole situation was tough on him anyway.
Outside the building he stopped, wondering where to go. He had a couple of friends he could visit, but he would have to act happy and cheerful around all of them. Right now, he just wanted to shout. Maybe cry a bit. And then shout some more.
But there was only one person who knew why.
Yasu knocked on the door fiercely.
For a moment everything stayed silent.
He shouldnât have come here. Not unannounced and so late in the evening. He never just dropped by. Usually, they set up a date via phone. Maybe he wasnât even home. Maybe he had one of his many sex-partners over. Yasu had no right to just show up on his doorstep and demand attention.
âHiâ, yasu said quietly.
Hyde looked at him in surprise. He was wearing loose pants and a worn-out shirt. Only now did yasu realize that he had never seen him in such casual clothing before. He was always dressed nicely, when they met. He was always putting in an effort.
Even now he seemed slightly embarrassed by his own look, standing in the corridor awkwardly, because he hadnât expected any visitor tonight.
âOh, hey, yasu. Is everything alright?â
Yasu shrugged, because he didnât know the answer to that himself.
âIs it inconvenient?â, he asked instead.
Hyde shook his head and opened the door some more, eyeing the beer cans yasu was still holding under his arm.
âNo, not at all. Just come in.â
Yasu followed him into the living room, slumping down on the couch and opening another beer before Hyde had even invited him to sit.
He was being rude, but too upset to bother.
âTake oneâ, he offered and Hyde took up a beer himself, his eyes still fixed on yasuâs face.
âSo, whatâs up?â, he asked.
Yasu exhaled heavily and gulped down some of the beer that had turned mildly warm by now.
âI just couldnât stay at my apartment any longer, I donât knowâ, he said. âHis girlfriend was there.â
Hyde nodded, but stayed silent as if expecting yasu to go on. He drank some more, before he did.
âI mean, they are already like a married couple and she treats him like shit. Heâs scared to do anything she might dislike.â
âMaybe he loves her and wants her to be happy?â, Hyde suggested with a smirk.
âSheâs just sitting at our place, like it belongs to her. And her stuff is everywhere. As if itâs her bathroom, or her apartment, or her ka-yu. He doesnât belong to her. HeâŚâ
He paused and gulped down the rest of his beer. He was drinking fast but could hardly feel it. The liquor did nothing to calm him down.
âAnd the worst is that they lecture me all the time. As if they were perfect, because they are stuck in this corny relationship and Iâm just too stupid to find someone for myself. Oh, yasu, just try harder, get yourself a girlfriend. I hate them.â
This time his breath sounded shaky.
âI hate herâ, he corrected himself.
âYou havenât told him, have you?â, Hyde said quietly.
âOf course not. I know heâll never return my feelings.â
Hyde shook his head lightly, seemingly thinking about something.
âAnd about your sexuality in general? Have you ever talked to him about it honestly? He doesnât know weâre having sex for example, does he?â
Yasu stared at the empty beer can in his hand and finally placed it on the table.
âIâve never tried to hide itâ, he side-stepped the question. âIt did not seem necessary to have a talk about it.â
Hyde looked at him a little sternly.
âMaybe you should just tell him openly. Itâs a big part of who you are and I think you are angry at him for being ignorant about it, right? It could be a relieve to just address it.â
âHe might figure outâ, yasu said weakly. âAnd then everything would change. Let them think Iâm an idiot who is not able to lead a relationship. Itâs better than knowing the truth.â
âAnd whatâs that truth?â, Hyde inquired. âSay it out loud. It will help. Just tell me. No one else is listening.â
He reached out now, lightly stroking yasuâs cheek and making him look right at him.
âIâm in love with ka-yuâ, yasu whispered and indeed it made him feel a little better to hear those words.
It wasnât a shameful secret. It was just the way he felt â for a very long time already. It was okay to feel that way, Hydeâs warm eyes assured him of that.
Still, sometimes it felt like it was his fault. Like he just wasnât good enough. Not pretty enough and not interesting enough. As if it didnât have anything to do with ka-yuâs sexual orientation.
Yasu wanted to feel desired, needed to know that he was wanted, if not loved. He craved for a reminder that it wasnât him.
He leaned in, grabbing Hydeâs neck roughly, pulling him close and kissing him. It was a kiss that tasted of alcohol and anger and he forced his lips apart, slipping his tongue into his mouth and pressing his body closer to his.
Hyde didnât really push him away, but yasu could tell he wasnât exactly returning the kiss, either.
He let go of his lips, trailing kisses up to his ear.
âTake meâ, he begged hoarsely. âPlease, I need to feel you. I want it the hard way tonight.â
Against him he could feel Hydeâs body tensing up, but then there were hands on his shoulders, pushing him away gently.
âHeyâ, Hyde said softly. âThat sounds very alluring, but I wonât do it with you, when youâre in a state like this.â
âIâm not drunkâ, he clarified.
It was true. He felt highly emotional, but not tipsy.
âNo, but youâre very upsetâ, Hyde pointed out, brushing back his hair carefully.
The tender gesture made something inside of yasu soften. Hyde was right. He didnât really want to have sex right now. He just wanted to stop thinking about it.
He shuffled over, placing his head on Hydeâs shoulder. It felt nice and comforting.
âI donât want to go back thereâ, he admitted.
For a moment Hyde stayed silent.
âYou can sleep on the couchâ, he said after a while.
Yasu hesitated. He really didnât want to go back to his own place, but he knew what that meant for Hyde.
âWhat about your famous codex?â, he asked.
âWeâve all been there, yasu. You donât have to go back tonight.â
Shortly yasu buried his face in Hydeâs neck, cherishing the brief moment of tenderness he had been allowed. He liked his smell and the warmth of his body. He wished he would hold him.
But instead he got up, making it clear yasu had gone a little too far.
âIâll look for a blanket, why donât you use the bathroom in the meantime? You should sleep. That was quite a lot of beerâ, Hyde suggested.
Yasu nodded, suddenly ashamed for his own neediness.
When he returned from the bathroom a grey blanket was folded neatly on the couch. Hyde was nowhere to be seen, he had obviously retreated to his own bedroom.
Yasu stripped off his pants, laying down on the sofa and wrapping himself in the blanket before he switched off the lamp next to him.
The place smelled unfamiliar and the shadows around him were strange. The couch wasnât exactly uncomfortable, but it wasnât his bed and it wasnât his home.
In the back he could hear Hyde rummaging around in the bathroom and finally the quiet closing of a door. Then the whole apartment fell silent and he felt exactly as lonely as he did when trying to fall asleep at his own place.
He thought of ka-yu. The way he laughed and the way he grinned at yasu when one of them had made a dirty joke. He thought of the way he kissed his girlfriend and then he thought of his girlfriend and the hard knot in his stomach was there again. It was burning and painful and it made him feel stressed for no specific reason.
All he wanted to do was fall asleep, but his thoughts just wouldnât slow down.
He stared into the darkness for a few minutes. Then he rolled to the other side and stared into another darkness for a few minutes.
With the blanket still wrapped around his shoulders, he got up, quietly tapping over to Hydeâs bedroom door.
He had made it clear that he wanted yasu to stay at the living room. The couch, the demonstrative blanket, the closed door he was now looking at.
Yasu knocked anyway, very quietly and hesitantly, but when he got no reply, he pushed open the door, stepping into the bedroom he was all too familiar with.
âHyde?â, he whispered. âHyde, I canât sleep. I donât want to be alone.â
He was aware he sounded whiny and after one beer less he would probably have stayed on the couch.
âGoddamn, yasuâ, Hyde swore in the dark.
Then he heard him shuffling over between the sheets and yasu crawled onto the bed next to him.
Their separate blankets were keeping them apart, but it was nice to know that Hyde was there. If he concentrated very hard, he could hear his soft breathing.
Hyde had his back turned to him, but yasu slip in closer behind him. He did not dare to make their bodies touch, did not dare to make it a full spoon or even wrap his arm around his friend.
But he felt saver immediately, secure and less lonely.
âThanksâ, he murmured against the back of Hydeâs head.
The other vocalist gave a low huff, but for yasu it was good enough.
âOne nightâ, he said.
They would see about that.
Yasu woke up in an otherwise empty bed. The sheets next to him were cold. Hyde was gone for a while already.
He checked the clock. It was early noon already.
After staring at the ceiling for a bit, he got up and checked the living room.
The apartment was clearly empty. Hyde wasnât home.
Yasu ought to go home, he knew that.
Instead he took a long shower and â since he had slept in his shirt â took a fresh one from Hydeâs closet and put it on.
Afterwards he went into the kitchen to make himself breakfast.
It was probably rude, but he told himself, that Hyde would have woken him, if he wanted him to leave. They werenât strangers after all. This wasnât an awkward one-night-stand. They were friends, close friends even, and it wasnât weird he stayed.
Yasu repeated that to himself over and over again, while he avoided going back to his own place desperately.
Ka-yu would be there. Maybe even his girlfriend. He couldnât bear to see them yet.
So, he opened the refrigerator, but was disappointed by the result. Obviously, Hyde hadnât been grocery shopping in a while.
He decided to make himself tea first. As he switched on the boiler, he saw something lying right next to it.
Thoughtfully he picked up the key. It looked like it had been placed there on purpose, in a place, where yasu was likely to find it. A note or something would have been nice, though. But then again, that wasnât really Hydeâs style, he guessed. He was the type that tried to make you sleep on the couch to keep his distance.
Yasu slipped the key into his pocket and finished his tea. Then he went out to buy groceries. He knew about a convenience store nearby and the key let him into the apartment again easily.
He wondered when Hyde would be back.
Out of boredom he started to look around the house. While looking for a shirt he had already noticed that Hyde was starting to lack clean clothes. Also, the bathroom was a bit messy.
Since he had had breakfast so late, he didnât grow hungry until early evening.
Shortly, he considered calling Hyde to ask when he would be home. But then that would sound so controlling. He didnât know what Hyde was doing. Maybe he was at work. Maybe he was meeting with friends. Maybe he had a date. Maybe he had just left to make sure yasu would be gone when he got home.
Actually, he didnât dare to call, because he didnât want to give Hyde a chance to send him away.
So, he just started cooking when he felt like dinner time was approaching and put the prepared dishes into the oven to keep them warm in the meantime.
Usually, he didnât really cook. It seemed too bothersome for one person alone. And lately, ka-yu was eating out most of the time. Yasu didnât really enjoy cooking, but he had nothing else to do.
Just when he was cleaning the last pan he had used, the front door unlocked. He heard steps in the corridor and hurried to put the different plates onto the table.
If Hyde would be angry, the prepared food would hopefully sooth him.
âWelcome homeâ, yasu called out as a warning and made a face at his own voice.
It had sounded cheerful in a very forced way.
âOh, helloâ, Hyde said with a smile as he stepped inside and saw the laid table. âThat is a nice surprise. Iâm starving.â
âGoodâ, yasu sighed relieved. âI was afraid youâd eat out or I donât know. I was too scared to call.â
Hyde gave a kind chuckle.
âBecause you stayed at my place? Itâs fine. Iâm sorry I couldnât stay, but we had a meeting today with the producer and I couldnât miss it. I left you the key.â
Yasu nodded as they both sat down.
âYeah, I found it. I figured youâd be home late.â
For a moment it felt weird, like they were a real couple. But then Hyde interrupted the silence:
âWell, thank you for the food.â
They both started eating. Yasu wasnât the best cook, he had to admit that, but he had settled for simple dishes and it was edible. Hyde was praising him anyway and it made him feel valued, which was a very nice feeling. They talked a bit about Hydeâs meeting, too, although he insisted that it hadnât been very interesting.
Afterwards they cleaned the rest of the kitchen together and as Hyde wanted to store away some of the leftovers in the refrigerator he gasped with surprise.
âOh, my goodness, yasu, who is supposed to eat all the stuff you bought?â, he laughed breathlessly. âI never had so much food at home in my entire life.â
âI just wanted to repay you somehow.â Yasu shrugged helplessly. âItâs a thank you for how patient you are with me.â
Hyde shook his head in amusement as they went back to the living room to make themselves comfortable in front of the tv.
âYou donât have to bribe me with food.â
Yasu waved it off and stared into his lap.
âActually, I only needed an excuse not to go home, so I kept busy.â
âAnything else I should know about?â, Hyde teased.
Yasu made a face and met his eyes.
âWell, I cleaned the bathroom. And did your laundryâ, he admitted.
Hyde started to laugh. He sounded calm when he laughed and looked very pretty when he did, yasu thought.
âYou should just relax. Otherwise Iâll need to start paying youâ, he joked, but then his facial expression became more serious.
He eyed yasu with a slight line of worry on his forehead.
âYou know, you have to go back, though, right?â
He knew. He knew he couldnât hide away at Hydeâs place forever. He would have liked to try, though.
âJust one more nightâ, he promised. âThen I will go back. Donât worry, I wonât bother you much longer.â
âOkayâ, Hyde said. âAlthough thatâs not really what I meant. Itâs more that I only have a certain number of shirts. You should pick up some of your own.â
He hooked his forefinger under the collar of his own shirt yasu was wearing and pulled him close. Then he placed a short peck on his lips, which made him giggle.
âIâm sorry for taking it without permissionâ, yasu mumbled.
âItâs okayâ, Hyde soothed him. âYou look cute in it.â
Yasu was pretty sure that he blushed slightly, although he hadnât expected Hyde to have that effect on him. He watched his profile while he switched on the tv and started to search for something they could watch.
Hyde was really handsome. He had always admired him, too. That was how they had gotten in touch to begin with. He was kind and funny and at least physically attracted to yasu.
Still, he couldnât help thinking of ka-yu. Just remembering his smiling face made his stomach twist in a way he had never felt with Hyde.
Resigning he put his head on Hydeâs shoulder and stared at the tv blankly.
âAny preferences?â, Hyde asked.
âNoâ, yasu exhaled. âBut if itâs a romance, I will cry.â
Hyde chuckled gently. As always, he seemed to understand perfectly well how yasu felt.
âIt will get better, I promiseâ, he said.
Again, yasu exhaled gravely. Hyde had turned off the sound of the tv and it was only the flickering light running over their faces now.
âYou never told me anything about himâ, yasu stated.
Hyde sighed. It was a quiet, sad sound.
âBecause he is not important anymoreâ, he said. âWeâre still in touch, but not as close as we used to be. He didnât love me back and never could. I just learned to accept that.â
âItâs damn hard to let goâ, yasu mumbled.
The thought of getting away from ka-yu seemed unbearable to him. He was already slipping away lately, right into the arms of that little bitch. But he couldnât just give up on him deliberately. He would miss their talks and their jokes and also their past.
âIt isâ, Hyde agreed and switched off the tv as if he had come to realize that it had been a bad idea from the very beginning. âIâm sorry, yasu, but Iâm super tired. Tomorrow morning, I have to go out again. I think I will just go to sleep.â
âOkay.â Yasu sat up straight again. âI will go, too.â
It felt weird to stay up alone in someone elseâs apartment and moreover it had gotten somewhat late over dinner.
Today, Hyde went to the bathroom first and after yasu was finished himself, he returned to the living room to find the same grey blanket on the couch again. But this time, he did not even bother with laying down.
He picked up the blanket and went straight to the bedroom. The door stood slightly ajar. Yasu took that as a hint that Hyde had not really believed in his luck anyway.
He made space for him without a word and as yasu pulled up the sheets around him and listened to Hydeâs quiet breathing, there was a least one place in the apartment that did not feel entirely as if it belonged to someone else.
Hyde had been gone again, as he had woken up. But this time yasu had been prepared for it.
He hadnât slept until noon again and so it was still sort of early as he arrived at his own place after breakfast.
He unlocked the door quietly, pausing a moment to listen for noise in the apartment. He felt like a burglar breaking into the place, so hard was he hoping to avoid meeting with anyone.
He was lucky, though. No one was home.
He retreated to his room and started to look around.
Hyde had made it sound as if it would be okay to just pick up some clothes and go back to his place. But was it? He had promised not to bother him for more than a night and he had stayed two already. He wasnât living there, he was living right here. In this apartment, with ka-yu. Man, he hoped ka-yu wouldnât be home soon.
If he met him here, he would probably ask where yasu had spent the last two days. And what would he tell him? He didnât know about Hyde. I was staying at my fuckbuddyâs place? I was staying at a friendâs home? And why? Because he couldnât stand to see ka-yu with his girlfriend. But he surely couldnât say that.
So, his only choice was to get out of the apartment as fast as possible. Maybe he should stay at a hotel for a while? Avoiding ka-yu, but not bothering Hyde either.
Somewhere in his closet he found an old backpack and started to shove some clothes into it.
A hotel sounded reasonable. He would stay at a hotel.
Hurriedly, he grabbed his stuff and left the apartment again before he could run into his flatmate.
Out on the street he wondered where to go.
Surely, there were plenty of good hotels in the city. He wasnât planning to treat himself to luxury, but a cheap and dirty place was out of the question as well. And nothing with tourists around. Those were the worst. Maybe he should just start walking. Eventually, he would come across a nice place. There were so many places in Tokyo.
As he started walking, he noticed that he was also getting hungry again. Lunch, lunch would be good. So, he stopped by at a shabby restaurant to eat something before he continued his search for a hotel. Probably, he would just stumble across one. There were so many hotels everywhere, when you didnât look for them.
What he found, was a small shop for used CDs, though, and he bought three of them, although he wasnât exactly a fan of those bands. He just felt the need to buy himself something and maybe distract himself from the fact that he still hadnât checked into any hotel, although he had come across several today already that looked just fine.
He thought of the white sheets of a hotel bed, how neutral they looked and how impersonal. He would probably feel lonely, booking a room just for himself.
The sun was already starting to set and yasu realized he had spent all day running through the streets of the city and finding excuses to not check in at a hotel.
He had known that he would end up right in this very neighbourhood all along.
Hesitantly, he knocked on the door to the apartment.
Hopefully, he wouldnât be mad.
But Hyde looked pretty unimpressed, as he opened the door and scanned him from head to toe. His eyes lingered on the backpack on yasuâs shoulder for a moment, but he did not comment on it.
âIâm having dinnerâ, was all he said.
Yasu looked down embarrassed.
âIâm sorry, I didnât mean to interrupt.â
âYou didnât. Youâre lateâ, Hyde corrected and turned to walk back into the apartment.
As yasu followed him inside, he saw that the dinner table was laid for two. Obviously, Hyde had known all along where he would end up tonight as well.
He took his seat and smiled shyly.
âThanks for cookingâ, he said.
Hyde picked up his chopsticks again. Obviously, he had already started eating before yasu arrived.
âNext time, you should take the keyâ, he said matter-of-factly. âI might not be home when you visit and it would be a shame if you came all the way here for nothing.â
Yasu nodded, careful not to let his feelings show on his face.
Hyde had stated it off-handed on purpose and he surely didnât want an emotional scene right now. But yasu knew exactly what had just happened and he had a hard time to hide his smile.
âHave you talked to ka-yu today?â, he changed the topic.
For a moment they ate in silence. It did not feel uncomfortable, though. It felt more like coming home than stealing into his own apartment had felt this morning.
They finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. With ka-yu he had never done that. With him it was more like a game where both of them left their dishes in the sink until one of them eventually gave in and cleaned them. Yasu thought it was nice to do a simple task like that together.
Afterwards, Hyde wanted to know about his day and yasu showed him the CDs he had bought. Hyde didnât know one of the albums and they listened to it together. It was better than yasu remembered it to be.
It was a nice evening, all in all, and none of them mentioned the backpack sitting in the living room.
When he left the bathroom that night, there was no blanket on the couch, though.
For a moment he just stood there, staring at the empty spot where the grey sheets used to lie.
This could mean two things. Either, Hyde had gotten fed up with him and after entertaining him for the evening he expected him to finally go home.
Yasu went over to the bedroom. The door was open and he knocked his knuckles against the wooden frame lightly.
âHeyâ, he said softly.
Yasu could make out his frame in the dim room. He had left plenty of space in the bed right next to him.
âYou coming to bed, or what?â, he asked.
This was far nicer than a hotel room anyway.
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