something that struck me while rewatching episode 5 were the flashbacks during the conversation with rose. for how important sex is in the show, and how important it is in their relationship, none of those flashbacks are about sex. yes, they take place around the sex, but it's not the sex shane is thinking about.
"can i ask if you've ever been with another guy?"
the showers after the ad - from the POV of the show, ilya is the only man shane has been with*, so this is his #flintofdesire, where it all started. with hindsight, what this moment is, is anticipation, excitement even, because it immediately precedes their first hook up. i think it can also be read as a moment of bravery, because this moment with ilya is shane confronting his desires. both the fact he even has them in the first place and the ability to act on them. there was no getting around them. shane looks at ilya and ilya looks right back. he sees him. he sees his desire and doesn't back down.
"was it different? with a guy?"
stairwell kiss post first time - the kiss to end all kisses. this is so incredibly tender and i think that this scene here is supposed to represent how safe and relaxed shane feels with ilya. there's no artifice to him. he's happy, ilya makes him happy, and he's at ease enough to let ilya see that. arguably this could be the most at ease we see shane in the show up to this point in ep5. what's more, this was them drawing out the moment. neither wanted it end. shane could have seen him to the front door of his apartment but he didn't. ilya could have finished tying his shoes upstairs but he didn't. they love being around each other and i think the inclusion of this may also point to the bittersweet fact that they have never had enough time together and that's something he regrets.
asg 2011 hook up - this is passion. this is excitement. this is him entirely unable to resist ilya. he's throwing caution to the wind here. they're surrounded by colleagues. scott hunter is right next door. but in that moment, he was ready to risk it all to have this with ilya. that risk intensified everything but because we saw the other two moments first, we know that none of this has ever really been about the risk. it's always been about ilya and how he makes shane feel. how he has always made him feel. compare that with the sex scene at the end of episode 4 with rose where he was reluctant and disassociated. here, he is fully present, active, and taking charge of his own desire.
i do think it's significant that these three moments essentially encapsulate their first three hook ups.** they are the foundation on which their relationship is built. whatever has come after, these moments are the building blocks. in the span of maybe a minute we see shane come to terms with both the fact that what he and ilya had was never casual but also that he is in fact gay, and it's not something he can ignore or pretend doesn't exist anymore.
the scene itself is quiet and gentle, but it represents this seismic shift in shane which allows him the ability to fully assess the extent of his feelings for ilya. it's why he can call bullshit so definitively on ilya's "we get together. we fuck. is simple." because it's not simple and it was never just about the sex.
*i know he's been with others in the books. i am not talking about the books rn. whether the mexican top gets a shout out in season 2 remains to be seen. for the sake of this post, ilya is the only man we know he's been with in the show.
**while the shower scene isn't a hook up in of itself, it gets them into the hotel room together and for me at least i see it as the start of that particular hookup. they just paused midway.
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