Forgiveness and Letting Go
Some say these things go hand in hand but I say otherwise.
I knew I have found peace in forgiveness -- forgiving you, and forgiving myself. The former came much sooner than the latter but then, it bothers me how much I couldn't seem to let you truly go.
"What does that even mean?", I say to myself to sleep.
I suppose it means, letting my love for you go with you -- wherever you are.
God, do know I really loved you. I imagine my life now with you in it, and I knew you'd fit in perfectly. But they say there's no such thing as failure. There's only knowing that something isn't right for you. I don't know. It has always felt right with you.
Maybe now that we're older and wiser, maybe it could work out now? Maybe if I sent you that e-mail, I've been dreading to write, you'd think of coming back? Know I'm here. I'm still here.
That movie Starting Over Again really hits home. But I don't know if I'm ever ready to face you again. To accept that it will never happen again? To gauge where I am in my life and know that from where we stand, is it THAT far from where I always thought we were?
Its innevitable, really. I mean, anything can happen.
I just couldn't reach out to you in a way I could always have done. Maybe at the back of my head, I knew how you'd react (you'll definitely be an asshole about it, and I know you wouldn't believe a word I say) and I know you know, I wouldn't back down.
That's how I am to you, about you. Passionate.
If you're reading this, know that I miss you everyday. And for the first time since having no contact with you, today's the first day that I am asking the Lord to allow myself to truly let you go.
I love you with all of my heart. I could only wish you'd come back, but then if you won't do know I'm [still] always cheering you on the sideline, wherever you are.
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