In Nomine Babalon, Hail Bel'ial

ASPD and its relation to the occult // personal blog -- Poet Philosopher Failure

[dubhdove156]

I don't care much for trigger warnings:

This is not a safe space, this is my space.

If something on my blog disturbs or upsets you, you can feel free to block me, but it isn't my responsibility to cater to the idiosyncrasies of every user.

[dubhdove156]

I recognize this isn’t relevant to this blog; I stopped posting some time ago because I didn’t really need a void to shout into anymore.

But I’ve moved on to bigger and better things, including starting my own OnlyFans!

I figure that there’s a void of proper amab enby content on the internet; plenty of tgirls and afabs, but no amab enbies in sight. So feel free to follow me :) everyone’s welcome, including the chasers too afraid to admit it.

OnlyFans is the social platform revolutionizing creator and fan connections. The site is inclusive of artists and content creators from all

[dubhdove156]

I started an NSFW blog and twitter, follow me! @sagassecret for both 💕

The void of proper enby content is an unmistakeable goldmine

[dubhdove156]

I’m going to throw this into the void.

After I got diagnosed with ASPD, I obsessively watched interviews on youtube. It was kind of comforting to know I’m not alone. But it instilled a desire in me that I just can’t shake.

I *desperately* want to be interviewed. I have tons and tons of insight to share with little to no platform. Does anyone on this site have advice or a lead on how to receive an interview? Someone I can contact? Someone doing research? Anything? This has been eating at me for awhile, and I’d love to help dispell all of the grotesque stigma surrounding the diagnosis.

[dubhdove156]

I haven’t posted in awhile bc I’ve been searching for my medium, and I think I’ve found it!

Please check out my TikTok! @dubh.aspd & @dubhdove333

TikTok - Make Your Day

[dubhdove156]

Follow my Tiktok if you’d like :)

Dubh (@dubhdove333) | TikTok

Dubh (@dubhdove333) on TikTok | 201 Likes. 25 Followers. Watch the latest video from Dubh (@dubhdove333).

[aspd-culture]

This question might be strange:

I'm Dx'd w autism and ASPD, and I've found that my masking is usually heavily influenced by my intuitive reads on people. A lot of people mistakenly call me an empath.

For example, I often get extremely stressed around a couple people at my work who are afraid of and intimidated by me. It actually didn't click why I was so anxious around these people until they told me I scare them lol. Consciously, I'm aware there's nothing to be anxious about, I'm not usually anxious, I don't really care, but I still feel anxiety and frustration. Is this normal in your experience?

I've thought for the longest time that I have undiagnosed Social Anxiety, but this sort of struck me as an epiphany that people just tend to be uncomfortable around me and I reflect that.

Gosh, if I had a nickel for every prosocial who told me I was “such an empath” or “had too much empathy for my own good” or “feel too much of other people’s emotions” I would be SO rich.

So the thing is, while what you explained here may come off as affective empathy in this situation - and absolutely could be - you can check that by looking at other situations with emotions. If these same people at your work were to be sad for a reason unrelated to you, would you feel that sadness the way you do this anxiety? If they were happy, would you feel happy just because they do? If not, then this likely is *not* affective empathy. Instead, it is a rational, if hypervigilant, response to potential social friction, particularly for someone with ASPD.

PwASPD become very good at reading situations and people over the course of our lives because we have to so we can function in society. We often overshoot and get labeled as “empaths” as though it is some amazing power we have - when really we are usually inclined to be adept at psychology, sociology, and manipulation of situations enough to come *across* that way when it is to our benefit to do so. It is important for us to know when we are intimidating or frightening others so that we can adjust to not be “clocked” as having ASPD.

Further, many pwASPD live for and thrive off of a dream of convenience, rather than happiness, and it is rather *inconvenient* to have people afraid of/intimidated by you who might otherwise benefit you in some way - even if that benefit is just avoiding an unnecessary conflict with them in a place we cannot leave, like work. Imagine how it would be to have some kind of altercation with them because of their fear of you, and then still have to work with them every day? That would not just risk your convenience in reference to that person, but to *anyone* who they can convince to be on their side of the situation. That makes work a hellish place to go to (something that is already notoriously harder for pwASPD who are low in the chain of command at their job), but a job is needed for money, and now you’ve guaranteed yourself some serious inconvenience and possible risk to your ability to eat/pay rent/etc. In the effort to avoid that, it is generally quite common in the pwASPD I’ve talked to to be able to know when people are afraid of or intimidated by them through outward cues even if they aren’t actively trying to. When you do something so much, it becomes a habit you don’t have to think about - and that goes double for things that affect your safety.

Plain text below the cut:

Gosh, if I had a nickel for every prosocial who told me I was “such an empath” or “had too much empathy for my own good” or “feel too much of other people’s emotions” I would be SO rich.

So the thing is, while what you explained here may come off as affective empathy in this situation - and absolutely could be - you can check that by looking at other situations with emotions. If these same people at your work were to be sad for a reason unrelated to you, would you feel that sadness the way you do this anxiety? If they were happy, would you feel happy just because they do? If not, then this likely is *not* affective empathy. Instead, it is a rational, if hypervigilant, response to potential social friction, particularly for someone with ASPD.

PwASPD become very good at reading situations and people over the course of our lives because we have to so we can function in society. We often overshoot and get labeled as “empaths” as though it is some amazing power we have - when really we are usually inclined to be adept at psychology, sociology, and manipulation of situations enough to come *across* that way when it is to our benefit to do so. It is important for us to know when we are intimidating or frightening others so that we can adjust to not be “clocked” as having ASPD.

Further, many pwASPD live for and thrive off of a dream of convenience, rather than happiness, and it is rather *inconvenient* to have people afraid of/intimidated by you who might otherwise benefit you in some way - even if that benefit is just avoiding an unnecessary conflict with them in a place we cannot leave, like work. Imagine how it would be to have some kind of altercation with them because of their fear of you, and then still have to work with them every day? That would not just risk your convenience in reference to that person, but to *anyone* who they can convince to be on their side of the situation. That makes work a hellish place to go to (something that is already notoriously harder for pwASPD who are low in the chain of command at their job), but a job is needed for money, and now you’ve guaranteed yourself some serious inconvenience and possible risk to your ability to eat/pay rent/etc. In the effort to avoid that, it is generally quite common in the pwASPD I’ve talked to to be able to know when people are afraid of or intimidated by them through outward cues even if they aren’t actively trying to. When you do something so much, it becomes a habit you don’t have to think about - and that goes double for things that affect your safety.

[aspd-culture]

TW Uncensored Ableist Language

@save-hyrule-3 I may be misreading your tone, but it's coming off as pretty hostile towards the concept of someone censoring terms that may be considered a slur and definitely are ableist terms. I understand the accessibility issue, but I hold a boundary that it is absolutely okay to censor these terms on this page - in most cases you find them, they will be censored. If that bothers you, you may want to find your information elsewhere. /nm

I don't want anyone thinking that they can't censor these harmful terms if they feel more comfortable doing so. I usually do as well because even typing them makes me uncomfortable, but they are a necessary part of many discussions here. The only reason I didn't censor in that post was because I had noted *beforehand* that there would be uncensored ableist language, and because they would be typed continuously throughout the post. Putting that in parenthesis after using the triggering language did not help people who may not have been expecting that. I have added a TW to the bottom of the post for the uncensored language in the comments.

Link to post for context:

Hi, this is a genuine question, coming from someone with BPD, NPD, autism, and OSDD-1B. I want to make sure I am correct in this information

[cannibalsinparis]

psychopath and sociopath aren't slurs. - person with AsPD.

psychopathy is still used medically, the PCL-R (psychopathy checklist revised) is used medically, a person will sometimes be described as having "psychopathic features" if their AsPD is considered severe. psychopath and sociopath aren't bad words, people don't have to identify with them, but the usage of what slurs are has been watered down to anything that makes people uncomfortable.

[aspd-culture]

Believe it or not, your existence as a single person with ASPD is not more valid than anyone else's. Don't bother reblogging my posts to tell me your opinions as though they are fact. Discourse is one thing, but the authoritative tone is gross, and many, many pwASPD are harmed by these terms in the exact same way that slurs like the f slur and r slurs cause harm. The r slur was, and in some areas is, still used as a medical term. Is that watering down the term slur, too? Or is that only when you don't agree?

If you want to engage in a discussion, then don't pretend this is a matter of fact.

-Person with ASPD

[aspd-culture]

are there any specific terms to ASPD that are important to know? like narc crashes/high, bpd euphoria, depended person, favorite person, and so on?

The only one that I can think of at the moment in Exception. They are not unlike FPs in BPD necessarily, but they are kinda a similar concept with opposite presentation. Afaik, in BPD an FP is where you will see heightened/exacerbated symptoms. In ASPD, however, Exceptions are where, for the most part, we see the least symptoms on a typical day. We may have the desire to be around them, have some social instincts in reference to them, and even experience empathy and/or remorse when it comes to them. However, when we are in a flare, many times our Exceptions will be the main target of our stress/anxiety/fear of people and therefore may deal with the brunt of the flare. This can look like breakups, cheating, lying - sometimes just for the hell of it - picking or escalating fights, violence, etc. That’s because we are most vulnerable with our Exception/s (for those that have them), and we feel the risk of that when our symptoms are flaring. Further, our Exception/s will *notice* the flares more because whilst most people see us with fairly intense symptoms on average days, our Exception/s go from having a nearly typical relationship with us to seeing us as the rest of the world sees us and then some.

Aside from that, I can’t think of any terms specific to ASPD, but if there are more please leave them in replies/reblogs/tags/etc so I can see them too!

[dubhdove156]

I’ve decided that I’ve pretty much totally lost interest in this app, so I’m going to be transferring my posts to my instagram account, and continuing them there. I might still pop in here every now and then if I need an outlet, but if you’d like to follow me for my existential/absurdist rants and book updates, feel free to follow my ig @dubhdove156

[aspd-culture]

I just realized that a huge foundation of the attachment I have for my Exceptions is respect. If they lose my respect, my love for them disappears and I leave them. However, my respect only disappears if they treat me poorly and suck at fixing things. However it can be gained again if they try fixing things right, and I can regain those feelings of attachment again like nothing happened. What do you think of this?

That is honestly pretty common afaik with ASPD Exceptions. The only thing that isn’t as common is their ability to somewhat easily regain the status of Exception - others I have talked to have a very difficult time getting that back - but I don’t see anything here that strikes me as surprising or uncommon at all. The role of an Exception, for me at least, has always been hugely based on my respect for the person and how deserving I think they are of that respect - based on whatever my criteria for respect are rather than what prosocials base their respect on.

Exceptions tend to be the people we feel we can be vulnerable around, and therefore it makes sense that we - as people who have been severely hurt by people we thought were safe to trust - would hold them to a high standard to keep that role.

[dubhdove156]

I’m thinking about a bit of anthropology as it relates to spirituality and culture.

It’s interesting to me that humanity is really and truly just wrought with potential; the intrinsic ability to be limitless, if we work together. We can really do and be anything we want if we put our collective energy and effort towards it. And I think that potential scares us, the endless possibilities of what the future might hold… and so we place arbitrary restrictions on ourselves and put weighted shackles on ourselves to prevent our species from running face-first into extinction.

These limitations can come in any shape or form, from conservative, traditionalist values to such constructs as laws and currency/class systems. I had a conversation with my dad last night who’s very conservative, and we talked about his truck. He called it a “truck’s truck, without all these bells and whistles of a cadillac that come in all these new trucks.” I thought, why would you make your life harder? Why would you hold onto the past like it’s something to take pride in? Why are you so attached to a worse and less convenient way to live?

I figured then that these generational divides that come to us so naturally, whether we wish to age or not, is a cultural necessity. We’re naturally trying to reign ourselves in, in fear that we might destroy ourselves. Similar to the construction of the US government being based on a dichotomy of progress vs conservation, so that our government might not collapse under the weight of any particular party.

And that’s the thing about endless potential; it’s absolute, and any chance of success is lined by an equal chance of failure. Religion, morality, social constructs, it’s all designed by us, be them secondary or tertiary, to protect ourselves as a whole rather than harm the majority as these things seem to do now. Despite objective worth, these things do have a collective value to us, and so it’s important to bear that in mind while you suffer — that, our suffering is intrinsic to the desires and attachments of our societal and cultural survival. Whether you’re poor, discriminated against, or just dealt a poor hand in life, remember that these are symptoms of the desire of a body and mind greater than our individual selves.

[aspd-culture]

@brandon666

First off, you have some *really* inaccurate ideas of what ASPD is. Do you think we can survive in the world acting like you expect me to act? Far more often, pwASPD appear detached and callous rather than actively hostile the way you're saying. We aren't 12 year old kids on Xbox Live voice chat, * s p o o k y voice* we are all around you. You wouldn't be able to pick most of us out of a crowd, even if you had direct interaction with us. In fact, a running joke here and in my real life is that people often tell pwASPD "don't worry, I can sniff out a s*ciop*th a mile away" or similar not realizing they're talking shit about us to our face.

There *are* pwASPD who are still entirely valid who act the way you're saying - and also plenty of prosocials who behave like that too. But it isn't all of us, all the time. Most of us are capable of and maybe even prefer to be cool, calm, and calculated about how we speak and act because of the trauma we have.

Unlike people on TV like Dr. House, there are real life consequences to the behavior you describe, and many of us strive not to be happy, but for life to be as convenient as possible. Kinda hard to get convenience while you're pissing everyone off. Ever heard the part of ASPD where they mention we are manipulative and charismatic? Yeah that isn't exactly compatible with being crass, careless, pranking, or offensive. Careless actually specifically bothers me because we are often said to "play a social chess game" with people we talk to. Many of us are extremely calculating and overly cautious. And many of us aren't, but it certainly isn't like you're saying all the time. Even pwASPD who *do* act like that usually are calm and "respectful" sometimes.

Also, I never claimed to be unmasked on this blog. Most of the time, I am absolutely masking to some degree - although much less than IRL. You can actually see that in the tags, I use "a rare unmasked aspd-culture" as a joke about this fact. Whilst this is a safe place for other pwASPD to unmask if they'd like, my posts on this blog are different. My side of this is helping educate people - prosocial, antisocial, whoever - if/when they have questions for me about ASPD which is fairly frequent. This isn't to say I am not ok with unmasking here, like I said it's happened before, but consider the context of what's happening.

I'm often asked genuine questions about ASPD, some of which are ableist (almost always on accident!) and many of which are based on extremely common misconceptions. If I were to unmask while answering those, I would end up being really shitty to people who are trying to learn - often people who want to do better for the pwASPD in their life, or for themselves. We talk about coping mechanisms and the development of ASPD a lot here; with those topics there is little room for my unmasked behavior *and* education. If I were to unmask while answering, no one would be getting anything out of asking those questions even if I was providing info because it's hard to take in new information from someone when they're being defensive or hostile.

I don't want to be hostile towards them, I want to help because if ASPD is ever going to be destigmatized, someone has got to answer their questions and help show them what it is and what it isn't! We can't expect prosocials to fend for themselves in the cesspool of stigma that the typical google results on ASPD show - someone has to help them. And since one of my special interests (something autistic ppl like myself have and love to infodump about) is mental health, especially my own disorders, I am happy to be one of the people they can ask these sometimes tough questions to.

I am also helping pwASPD! Many questions I get are people trying to understand their own disorder or the disorder they think they might have. It sucked for me, learning this all on my own (and I'm still learning too), so I can use the cognitive empathy I've taught myself over the years and remember the feelings I went through when I was trying to find unbiased info.

There's a transaction here - a major part of ASPD if you didn't know - I calmly and respectfully answer people's questions, and the world becomes slightly less ignorant and we get a slight amount of progress on destigmatizing this disorder. That makes my life easier too. In the process, I see many culture asks that remind me I'm not alone in this. Often, posting those gives me some catharsis, and you will sometimes see me going off in the tags about what I've dealt with. But for the most part, I'm giving other pwASPD an open space to unmask as well as to ask questions to someone who will, 95% of the time, give a masked and respectful answer. Friendly is a stretch tho lol unless you missed the original post about the syscourse that you commented this on.

So yeah, long and short, you're definitely missing something here and that's ok. Just learn and do better. I know you might see that as another thing that is flying in the face of ASPD or whatever, but it's no skin off my back if you think I have ASPD or not, and anyway I'd rather you just learn and maybe next time someone says something like that to/around you about ASPD, you'll have the knowledge to correct it. Spreading info is an exponential situation - once I tell you guys things, some of you will inevitably tell someone else that, and so on and so forth until a good handful of people now know things about ASPD they didn't before. If not, oh well. I got to infodump and see relatable posts that made me feel seen.

Either way, it's been, and hopefully will continue to be, a net positive. You are absolutely welcome to keep this dialogue going if you have questions, want clarification, are enraged that I gave you a calm response, whichever. Even if you don't get anything out of this, someone else seeing it might.

I'll really fuck with you now - I genuinely hope you have a good day.

[aspd-thoughts]

I don’t feel emotions often, if ever. I still like talking about my problems.

But if I say “I don’t really feel sad about it,” then my venting is going to be dismissed as nitpicking or whining, and I know that because I’ve been honest before. So I’ve learned to over exaggerate how I feel about things, even in situations where I probably don’t need to. Because of that, “I got annoyed today” turns into “god I’m so fucking angry”, because I habitually over perform my emotions to seem neurotypical.

[dubhdove156]

I just trashed and rewrote the preface for my book. The more I write, the more out of place it seemed. I figured now would be a good time to offer a sneak peek into what I've been working on.

"It’s at this age that I find myself both stagnant yet full of life and vitality. A mismatch of a deeply lived internal life that is ceaselessly combated by the prerequisites of external life being material. I spend the vast majority of my time hidden deep into the crevices of my mind, and have found the most comfort in the cold embrace of a brain so hellbent on figuring out exactly what is happening in and around me. I have spent my life feeling as though I don’t belong, not necessarily socially in such senses as being ostracized or outcasted; rather it’s an innate alienation, a feeling of otherworldly belonging. As though I am a creature designed for a different sort of physical and social acclimation – not human but something much quieter and more peaceful, more within than without. To exist often is a chore to me, not in any depressive sense but rather I would much prefer to sink into a cavern of curiosities than to awake every morning into a world that requires me to eat, drink, and sleep. Though, I suppose it is just this experience that brings such curiosity to me to begin with.

Due to my feelings of “otherness”, I’ve found myself to be fond of various philosophies that teach the world and humanity to me in plain language; history, religion, anthropology, metaphysics, politics, psychology, geography, linguistics, etc. Though I lack the resources to receive a proper education, I’m fortunate enough to be alive during a time in which most information known by our species is freely available, however muddied by the endless partisan articles, viral misinformation, and pop quizzes (which seem to me to only collect mass information rather than act as a tool of introspection.) The lore of life as it has been recorded by us has become a major obsession of mine since I came to the understanding that this world I find myself in is best suited to those with an innate understanding of others. That in order to “succeed” in any capacity, I must cooperate and come to an understanding of the mysteries of mankind; our bodies and minds, our influences both internal and external. It was in this pursuit that I learned that I must first know myself above all before others could be of any concern.

In my search for self, I spent many years as a nervous wreck. I spent many years on drugs such as heroin and other depressants, going through various therapists and rehabilitations, and staring at some inanimation contemplating everything that passed through my dull and often manic skull. I sought both the existential and empirical reasons for such suffering; why was I cursed to such an excruciating sense of awareness and loneliness? I hoped for both psychiatric diagnosis’ that would satisfy others and answers that would satisfy myself. I have found many of the answers which will be the basis of this book – an attempt to communicate to whomever picks this book up what exactly this experience of mine is. However, for the sake of a preface, I’ll share the diagnosis’ I’ve received as the lovely combination of Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as some degree of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I felt on some level that, due to the nature of my philosophical and poetic thoughts, that there must be some psychotic disorder involved, perhaps in the realm of personality disorders, but that hypothesis has fallen flat. That is to say that, despite the further chapters in this book and their absurdities, I don’t believe that psychosis is the source any longer.

Ultimately, I only wish to help others with what I believe is important; areas which the generation to which I owe my existence has turned from instead to overwhelming existential dread and nihilism. Unfortunately, it seems that any form of media; whether I write, paint, or sing doesn’t appeal to the accepted standards of egoism, materialism, and hedonism of today, it is to be discarded as without value. I find myself with a sense of desperation; a sense of monumental creativity which finds no outlet when such a species has grown deaf, blind, and dumb. I have spent my life defining and refining my thought processes’ so that they could be shared, yet I wave only to the blind, speak to the deaf, and converse with the mute. My efforts have become more or less a waste of my own time. Regardless -- I will waste my time if must, I can only hope that my writings, be them published or found, may be of some value to even one lonely soul in an age unknown to me."

[dubhdove156]

Saw this on a schizo hippie page, but there's always something to learn from crazies

[dubhdove156]

I used to be scared of death, or what I perceived as nothingness. I used to see it as an incomprehensible state of stasis and lacking life.

But, after I had my NDE, I saw this idea of nothingness in a new light. Instead, I see it now as a state of incomprehensible potentiality. Like a blank canvas, with infinite possible artworks to be painted. After our current life comes infinite possibilities, and with the infinite nature of spacetime, possibilities become instead eventualities.

Everything that can happen, will happen. Everything you can imagine, and then some. Everything both comprehensible and incomprehensible, sensible and nonsensical does, has, and will exist.

Spacetime itself isn't linear either from what I saw; instead I see it now as much a simple point as the first dimension, and a complex figure as the 10th or nth dimension. It exists, infinite not only in length, width, and height, but in depth as well, in ways that aren't perceptible. Patterns within patterns, systems with systems; originating in absolute simplicity and ever-increasing in complexity.

My spirituality now is very pantheistic and subsequently monistic. I see everything, animate or inanimate as another iteration of myself; somewhere, sometime outside of my current perception. This perception, to note, is itself an illusion, and any division is based on ignorance -- the lack of awareness which can be mended by means of empathy.

My sense of empathy is limited due to ASPD, and instead requires conscious, cognitive, intellectual effort. Fortunately, I experienced what I did, and despite not feeling the experiences of others, it isn't hard to come to a conscious understanding.

Death, I see now, as a state of absolute empathy. A state of awareness beyond the delusions of Self, which overcomes any and all beliefs, cultures, and systemic effects.

I'm not afraid, or even worried about death anymore. Instead, I find myself hoping more often than not to die. Not for depression, but because I've seen the face of God. I looked away once, and I won't make that mistake again. I often have to remind myself that my fault was ultimately determined, and my lesson -- this dharmic cycle hasn't concluded yet. That death will come when it's time, and to push forward despite the rolling motions and resistances of daily life.

This painting is to me, the Pleroma as it's bound by Yaldabaoth.

"Little Birds"

Yuliya Litvinova