[ducanhbui]

Everybody loves somebody sometime

Dean Martin

[ducanhbui]

8.Sep.17, 12:02

Hm. What am I feeling right now ?

Who am I right now ?

I feel like my heart is shut closed.

I feel like i don't really enjoy being me at times.

In fact, today, I felt like I'm a sociopath.

I have so many fears.

I always think about my past. All the stupid things I've done.

Mistakes with people mostly. Letting others down.

Being a burden. People hating me.

I think that I'm a toxic person.

I genuinely don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I like alot of people. And that comes at a cost doesn't it. For me its actually a pretty big cost.

Because I have to split up my time, and I don't really socialise with anyone on a daily basis. I just deal with or take on whatever comes really. I just don't have that muscle in me.

And it makes me.disappointed in myself.

Maybe its all in my head. But something inside me tells me what Im feeling is very real.

Anyway. It still doesn't negate the fact that I'm an unreliable friend. Antisocial. Afraid. A coward. Not a role model. Ultimately a bad person.

I don't enjoy my environment. I have dreams of running away. But even that seems so scary that I'm afraid I might fail and regret it. I already regret so many things that I did in the past. And these things haunt me constantly. I just don't show it. I really wanna go away for a while.

Away from people. Opinions. I'm heavily discomforted in my own skin. In my environment. In this life.

[ducanhbui]

Not even sure if I believe in God but because you still alive, He got me praying that the spiritual is real. So I can be a part of you still.

J. Cole (4 your eyez only)

[ducanhbui]

Man

I'm like a comet that gets pushed and pulled by the currents of the cosmos. Planets and stars flick me around, and i spin spin spin.

When the sun is down, and all things are asleep, i watch the still moon, hover under and over clouds with tranquil grace. I hope for a peace like that, but. Even then, a perfection like that feels too good that its not right. That i'm undeserved or that it is an illusion. That its achievable but comes at a costly price. I don't think i'm willing to sacrifice for that. I rather not.

I rather dwell in this imbalanced reality on earth. And continue pushing and pulling away. A never-ending balancing act. Up and down, over and out. I guess that's life right ?

Man.

[ducanhbui]

Now

In this moment. I'm kind of floating again. I grew up losing alot of things, people that I valued and on a large part depended on. So because of this i believe, I've grown up thinking that things and people come and go. That my life is always and will always be insecure. That i have no control.

As a result, ive learned naturally to detach myself to all things. All things that don't matter to me. Over the later years ive fpund myself attaching myself to things that felt desirable again, like people i like. And objects.

I felt that the only thing i do have contol over is myself. And ive tried and am still trying to improve that. I try to control my emotions, my actions, my words. My heart.

So.

For this whole time i've been living life wrong.

I do have something to blame. Although i will show you thst ive resolved this after. I blame my parents. For not raising me the right way. You shouldnt bring someone onto this earth, produce a false image that life will sort itself out for you when it doesnt. And not warn you of all the dangers, karmas and complexities of this home we call earth. And then when i am confused, disagreeing, or unhappy, or unknowing, im blamed, abused and scolded for it. Ive had a very very very hard time making peace with that. And this didnt start in highschool, it started when i was 5, when i refused to go school.

Anyway. With that being said. My parents could say the same about their own parents. And in fact. My dad has. My parents weren't prepared fot this gig. Its a tough world. They thought bringing up a kid in their time would be simple. But i'm not a simple character. Simplification brings forth complication. And complexity gives us simplicity. It goes hand in hand. And you have a choice to decide which is better.

I've been living life wrong because, i treat people the way ive been treatwd in the past. Like a forgotten ghost. I am a product of years of neglect. Festered mental illness. A creation of hell in the mind. What a trip.

At this stage. I'm kinda confused. Im in a mess. Super muddy waters. I guess the only way from here is to figure out the best option for me. How can i get the most positive outcome out of this. How can i survive this.

I still love all the people ive met and come to know really well over the years. But im sad i cant be with them all the time or consistently enough for them to love me back. And thats a tragedy hey. Thats what i have to live with. And i dont know how im gonna get out of this.

The only thing i know to to do is to just keep floating. Its the easiest way anyway. Maybe thats my problem. I take the easy way out. The most natural way, i feel.

[ducanhbui]

Dookie

Its been a while. To be honest with you, the last few years have been fking crazy for me. Felt like i was caught in a whirlwind called life. And i was spinning out of control. Couldn’t grasp myself. I had nothing to hold on to. So i simply let life push and pull me into all types of places and situations. Ive been telling myself to slow down for along while now. But life doesn’t let you. You’re always caught up in something or someone i guess. I always fantasise about escaping it all and running away. But i never find myself having to courage to do it. It feels like a huge sacrifice. Leaving everything and everyone behind. Anyway. My goal is to rebuild from the bottom up. From nothing. Thats not entirely true. From what i have now i guess. And whoever i can help. From what ive learnt over the years. I value all my experiences but im tired of pain. Of suffering.

-Duc

[ducanhbui]

Lost boy

I don't know if I'll every find love again. But dookie. I hope you do. I hope I do. I hope someone loves me enough to accept my imperfections. My stupidity. My ignorance sometimes. My failures. I don't know if there's someone out there. But I'm gonna try to find that person. And maybe I'll learn to love again. I'll learn to be happy. Because I feel the most hated right now. I hope I can make it out of this. Pain.

[ducanhbui]

Blacks holes

I don’t know where this story is going but I’m so depressed right now. I feel really empty. Don’t feel like eating. Find it really hard to connect to people. On the verge of tears. Very vulnerable and insecure. Honestly I’ve felt like this before, maybe 4 times this bad in the past. And it really hurts. Man, whys life gotta be so painful. I feel so lost. Been trying to hide these feelings too. So it makes it even harder for people to know. And yeh I’m so lost. I feel alone. Detached. I feel like death. I’m an asshole. I feel like I deserve it. I don’t know why I keep making dumb mistakes over and over and over again and end up hurting people. Man. What kind of life is this. I’m so fearful. I’m afraid and I feel cold. So that’s me right now.

[ducanhbui]

The painful truth

Man I’m dealing with with a heartbreak, my heart aches, feels like an earthquake, that just fissured my soul, making my world cold. And it hurts. My eyes droopy, I can’t eat. This pain I feel, I hope it never happens again. But deep down I know it’ll be happening again and again, because from what I’ve seen, this life ain’t easy. I’m tryna get back to where my friends be. My family. Take me back to the start and hopefully start again, because this path I’ve chosen. Was a mistake. That’s what I have to face. So let me erase, All the confusion All the the things I thought was true, But were really illusions, Rub myself clean and chip away my ignorance, Untie the blindfold and I’ll see reality again. I'll never be impotent

[ducanhbui]

And I hope, some day I'll get on a flight. One way, to put me by your side.

Noah (Airport Bar)

[ducanhbui]

The Temple

"You disappeared for a while." But the way he said it in Viet was. "You swam deep for a while." The monk was like the familiar visitor of a giant pond. And the fishes he sees in the water were the people that he comes in contact with. He feeds them kindness and compassion and the fishes keep coming back. Some fishes are afraid to approach him, they swim away not knowing that they may have found something, but they continue searching for their own freedom. I'm a little fish that keeps swimming away into the unknown alone. Away from the people who already love me.

[ducanhbui]

Ice Age Over

I felt like I've been preserved in ice for years. And it took a while for me to be rediscovered. To be uncovered. To be found and come alive again.

[ducanhbui]

Last night hardly felt like sleeping, Felt like my life paused and continued playing again.

[ducanhbui]

Everlast

Life is kinda crazy. I Just read a facebook post about extroverted introverts, and it got me thinking. Life is seasonal. It's organic, ever flowing, constantly moving. Changing. It's not easy staying afloat on this rolling, coasting sea journey. But we do what we can, we choose our own rules, and we hope that it'll get us through. We search for the grander moments, giant waves lift us into the air and drop us free fall. Pure adrenaline. Thoughts racing. An overflow of sensations. You're on peak. The quieter moments are good too. The water flat and motionless. You sit on a small boat alone. Emptiness. You hear and feel your thoughts clearly. You perceive the world moments at a time. True peace. You're at the edge of zero. Don't know where my life is going. It's crazy, I'm simply a trajectory of the cosmos. A ray of light projected from an unknown source. And here I am. 21 years old. A human being. With movable arms and legs, a brain filled with thoughts, a mouth that hopes to release these thoughts visibly to everyone, but often gets lost in translation. All I know is that I am me in this very moment. What's crazy is that I also thought I was me 10 years ago. And that me has changed. It still carries the same essentials. But it's grown into something completely unplanned for. Something that even I struggle to understand sometimes. Something that's ever changing and hopefully also ever lasting.

[ducanhbui]

No mark, just M

Alright M :p

[ducanhbui]

☺️

...mark is that you?!

[ducanhbui]

The other day, up early, getting ready for work, reordering my to-do list in my head, I chanced to look at my wife Susan and our dog asleep in the dark. It made me smile to think how sometimes our dog gets that look in her eye and starts running full speed in circles and crazy eights, leaping over flowers and through the ageing trees. I looked back to Susan. She was under the covers, her cheek showing, our dog curled in the crook of her legs, as close as she could get. I beheld them, in the dimness, wondering how anything could be so at rest. And in their sleep, our dog twitched, dreaming of running, as Susan smiled, dreaming of her garden growing. There I was, half dressed in the half light, absorbing their images. It made me realise what super-powers we’ve been given—to ripple in motion and know the inside of air, to stand in the dark and watch what we love, to sleep with animals and simply dream, and to see for the first time, more than once. Sometimes what seems ordinary exposes it’s numinous bone, the way a man worn to love can grow in the dark, just by aching for words.

Mark Nepo (Finding Inner Courage)