The Fundamentals of Caring starter sentences
71 starters
feel free to change gender pronouns
content warning: cussing, sexual themes
“I cannot take care of another unless I first take care of myself.”
“_____, come on. I know you’re in there.”
“My needs are equal to the needs of the person to whom I am giving care.”
“All I can do is try my best and maintain a positive attitude.”
“Just always remember: ALOHA. Ask, Listen, Observe, Help, Ask again.”
“Sorry. My child has a unique sense of humor.”
“I’ve been out of work for a while and I could really use this job.”
“Yeah, but if we’re gonna throw down nine bucks an hour for somebody to wipe my ass, we need somebody who knows how to wipe an ass.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“It’s been two and a half years. What’s the magic number where you wake up and you’re finally ready? Six years? Eight? Eighty?”
“Would you tap that? Because I would pound that shit into the ground.”
“Could you call the Make-A-Wish foundation and tell them I want a blowjob from Katy Perry?”
“What is this gem, you ask? This is a map of your precious country’s lamest roadside attractions, odd museums, bizarre landmarks, and of course anything giant, from farm animals to cherry pie.”
“I have some fantastic news. I need to take a dump.”
“Who do you think would win in a fight to the death, me or a bird?”
“I enjoy this time together.”
“If you woke up and you were totally… fine… what’s the thing you’d wanna do most?”
“If somebody tries to rob the bank today, don’t be a hero.”
“Did you arrange these to look like large testicles and a small penis?”
“I wrote a couple novels you’ve never heard of.”
“So, what is this? Is this, like, research for you?”
“When you do write about me, I want you to describe me as handsome and cool. The best stuff is truthful.”
“Have you been working with lead-based paint in an enclosed area?”
“Come on. Don’t you get bored just sitting in this room and going to the park once a week?”
“I mean, doesn’t any part of you want to see the world’s deepest pit in person, not just on TV?”
“I didn’t realize you had a father.”
“So you don’t even read those?”
“Really? We’re still going on about this?”
“It was his choice, not mine. He can live with it. Let’s leave it at that.”
“A father’s supposed to be there for his kid. Protect him from harm. That’s the only job a father has.”
“There we go. Now go get me some juice.”
“I can’t have you making promises you can’t keep.”
“You think because you’re in a wheelchair that gives you the right to do and say whatever you want?”
“You ever considered that maybe I’m just a prick, with or without the wheelchair?”
“Is that the best you can do? That’s it? I thought you were a writer.”
“I don’t buy any of your bullshit. You can make jokes all you want, but you are wasting your life by sitting in this house and watching TV.”
“Honestly, what were you thinking?”
“It was very heroic how you jumped in there without missing a beat.”
“I want a text or a phone call every three hours.”
“ ‘He died trying to see the world’s biggest pit’ is a really bad obituary.”
“Dude, were you—? Were you just doing air quotes? Don't—don’t ever do that again.”
“Let me see if there’s any food in there I can actually eat.”
“Well, I thought it was good to get straight to the point.”
“I’m in a fucking wheelchair, okay? I could spew Shakespeare shit and a girl like that’s not gonna be interested in me.”
“Fuck you, you’re a [insert age]-year-old ass-wiper.”
“See, I knew the open road would be good for you.”
“Would you quit screwing around? I’m driving.”
“Don’t ever do that again! You scared the shit out of me!”
“We came to see a giant cow. We’re going to see a giant cow.”
“Hey, what the fuck? That’s mine.”
“I just… Here’s the thing. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“You know, when I get home, I’m gonna put you on the roadside attractions map. World’s biggest dick.”
“Oh, shit. Are you a pervert?”
“Yeah, it’s total bullshit. And on a stick. Like the world’s least delicious lollipop.”
“Man, I am starving. I think there’s an all-night diner across the street. What do you think?”
“Are you asking me on a date?”
“Dude, you were like James Bond there! That was the most badass thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“I knew one of your spells would kill me.”
“I told you, I only date assholes.”
“What’s it like being a parent?”
“Every corny thing you’ve ever heard about having a kid is completely and utterly true.”
“I thought I’d like it ‘cause it’s lame, but it’s actually pretty cool.”
“Did you steal this, _____?”
“Please don’t call me that.”
“He’s a heaping mess, but… he’s my heaping mess.”
“Life’s a real class-A bitch, isn’t it?”
“Well, take care of yourself in [insert city]. There are a lot of perverts there.”
“Would you just do me a favor and shut the fuck up for once in your life?”
