TW: mentions of past abuse, death of loved one, anti-religous speech
Andrew minyard sat in the pews, staring up at the coffin in a daze. This wasn't real. This wasn't real. This wasn't real! Andrew knew it wasn't because it was all wrong. He was the one meant to be up there. He swore- promised- that he would be the first of the twins to die. He’d be caught dead before he ended up the one to bury his twin. And yet here he was. Alive when Aaron wasn't. Andrew and Aaron never liked each other. Never let the other get too close, but in the end they were always there when they needed each other. They kept a distance, but nothing could truly stop them from being two halves of a whole… nothing.. except this.
It had taken all of Andrews strength to pull himself off the couch when it was time to come to the funeral. It had taken every inch of willpower to look in the mirror, to see his twins face on himself, and still try to feel that comfortable numbness. That numbness was gone now, washed away by guilt, and hurt, and regret, and anger, and hatred, and everything he'd tried so hard to push away. To keep at bay. And in the end, his effort didn't even pay off. He ended up showing up to his own brothers funeral ten minutes late because he couldn't get his damn eyes to stop watering. He couldn't choke down that knot in his throat. He sobbed for the first time in ten years, alone, in his dark room. He let himself feel weak and helpless for the first time since he was a twelve year old all by himself, only this time instead of struggling under a person he was struggling under a wave of dispare. A stormy ocean that kept throwing wave after wave at him, not letting him up for air. Suffocating him. Even as he sat in the chapel listening to Nicky spew some nonsense about how important Aaron was and how smart and hardworking he was, Andrew still wasn't sure how ever managed to stop the tears. He didn't have the energy to look in the mirror and fix himself up, so if he looked like a wreck, then so be it.
He shifted his gaze from the coffin to the pulpit, still not listening to Nicky, or even really seeing him, just staring at the pulpit and wondering how the hell he was supposed to be able to get up there and speak. How he was expected to do this at all.
Nicky finally ended with some scripture about the dead and the afterlife then stepped off. Andrew felt dread tighten in his throat. He was next after Katelyn. Aaron's annoying girlfriend. What did she know? She didn’t know him. She didn't know anything. But then, did Andrew really know anything either? He was an imposter in Aaron's life. A stranger with his face who came in and killed Aaron's mom and locked him in a bathroom. What right did Andrew have to even think about stepping up there to speak? Andrew felt himself getting angry and only briefly paused to wonder if it was really anger or grief.
He closed his eyes and did everything in his power to drown out the cheerleader's voice. Someone grabbed Andrew's hand, but it was too much. The emotions, the noise, the fucking air conditioning on his face, and now this? Touch? Physical touch? Without thinking Andrew shoved the hand off him and didn't bother to open his eyes to see who it was or even to apologize. His clothes rubbed infuriatingly on his skin. His skin felt wrong on his bones. Nothing was okay. Everything was too much. This wasn't right. This can't have been real. He refused to let it be… but then he couldn't will himself out of this. He couldn't just threaten Aaron to stand up out of the coffin and come back to life.
Andrew knew Aaron hated him, but never did he think his brother would go to this extent to punish him. To get back at him. Or whatever the hell he was trying to do.
Katelyn walked down the steps back into the audience. It was Andrews turn.
He opened his eyes. The light was too bright.
Wymack had helped him put a speech together, but in the end Andrew decided it was bullshit and he tore it up. Now he didn't know he'd say.
He took a breath and stepped up. There weren't a lot of people there. The foxes of course, Katelyn came and brought her roommate for moral support, coach wymack , Abby, and Betsy sat in the middle row, behind all the team, the hemmick’s amazingly and annoyingly showed up, the only barrible face in that row was Nicky's. And even that got on Andrew's nerves.
It's okay to grieve. He reminded himself. He and Betsy had gone through that a day after the passing. It's okay to feel those feelings.
It didn't feel okay. Nothing was okay. He was gonna lose it. He caught sight of Neil's annoying face. His stupid sympathy filled expression. Andrew didn't need sympathy! He needed his brother back. Needed this to be a dream.
More than a dozen eyes watched him standing there. Saying nothing. Andrew knew he needed to speak. Needed to get this over with, but his chest hurt and his throat was in a knot and talking would hurt. He didn't want his hurt to be displayed like that in front of everyone. He looked down and breathed. In. Out. In. Pause. Out. In. Pause. Out. In pause out. In pause out. In pause out in pause out in out in out in out in out inoutinoutinout, a hand touched his back softly and everything stopped. Frozen. The room that hasn't realized before was spinning was now calm.
“Andrew? You alright?” It was a familiar voice… Neil… fucking josten. Andrew nodded and pushed Neil back.
“You know Aaron wouldn't want this.” Andrew said at last. No one seemed to understand so he went on. “To be in a church on his last day above ground. God never helped him. Take offense Luther. God was never there for him when his mom died. When he almost OD’d as a fucking ten year old. When he was beaten. But here we are, supposed to be remembering him in a church. ‘A place of worship’. Like offering his soul up to a god who never even gave him a chance. What bullshit.” And with that Andrew kicked the pulpit and stormed off the stand, back to his seat. He regretted not storming out after he'd sat down, but what's done was done.
Andrew took one quick look at his brother's face. He looked asleep. Calm. It was unnerving. Like Andrew could just shake him awake. But knowing he couldn't made it unbearable.
Andrew tried. He tried so hard, but he couldn't stay to watch them bury Aaron.
He left early. The others could squeeze in with the upperclassmen. Andrew needed to leave. He needed to be alone.
Add it to the list of things you hate me for. He thought bitterly, right before stopping in the parking lot of fox tower.
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