Dupatta

Thumbnail: "Fight or Flight" If you are suicidal, please see this TRIGGER WARNING: You may be entering a potentially triggering space for general abuse, child abuse, child sexual abuse, sexual abuse, and PTSD. Though I have tried to put trigger warnings on all potentially triggering posts, I am human, and may have messed up. In that case, please drop by the ask/submit box, and let me know. This is a safe space. WHICH MEANS: No racist, cissexist, transphobic, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynistic, ableistic, fat-phobic, or any other kind of ISH allowed here. Everything on this blog is reblogabble unless otherwise specified in the post or in the post's tag. All original work belongs to me until Tumblr's Copyright Law

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

Kids who sought out sexual/romantic interactions with adults…

because they were lonely and needed human interaction/attention

or had emotional needs not being met

because they thought it was the price of being treated with care

or because it was a way to understand/reenact/overwrite/escape previous trauma

because they thought it was normal

or because they had picked up the message that this was how to be daring and cool and sexy/mature

or because they didn’t really understand how it would affect them

because they felt like they deserved it

or because they thought there wasn’t a big difference and “age is just a number”

or because being sexual around adults was the only time people said nice things to them or seemed to like them or notice them

or for any other reason

… still did not deserve the abuse they suffered.

Kids who initiate flirtation with adults still don’t deserve abuse.

Adults who aren’t abusers will not take advantage of a kid’s crush or advances. It’s the adult’s responsibility to set clear boundaries and enforce them. It’s an adult’s responsibility to not become sexually or romantically involved with a child. Adults who do are abusers.

Children did not cause those adults to become abusers. Children cannot tempt nonabusers into becoming abusers. Children are never responsible for adults deciding to abuse.

Even if you feel like you made it really easy for them to abuse you, being vulnerable to abuse around a nonabuser doesn’t result in abuse. Your vulnerability wasn’t the cause of the abuse. Their choices were.

It’s not your fault, it was never your fault.

[fromonesurvivortoanother]

People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion—not at the beginning—of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.” I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. If one or both parents are dead, you can still heal the damage, by forgiving yourself and releasing much of the hold that they had over your emotional well-being. At this point, you may be wondering, understandably, if you will remain bitter and angry for the rest of your life if you don’t forgive your parents. In fact, quite the opposite is true. What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from your toxic parents’ control, without necessarily having to forgive them. And that release can come only after you’ve worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you’ve put the responsibility on their shoulders, where it belongs.

Susan Forward, Toxic Parents, ch 9 (via fromonesurvivortoanother)

pay attention to this. 

(via viperslang)

[all-about-abuse]

Warning: Potentially Dangerous Survivor Blog Network

I’m sorry for making a callout post but this situation is bad enough that I am concerned about the safety of other survivors because of it.

LavenderHealing, LavenderLibrary, LavenderTheatre, LavenderSisterhood etc. are all run by the same person. They are openly unsafe for trans women and sex workers, you can view our conversation about this here. You can also see on her blogs that she interacts exclusively with other TWEF and SWERF bloggers. They follow anyone they encounter, like a spam blog, regardless of that person’s boundaries. They are known to follow sex workers and trans people despite explicit boundaries that forbid TWEFs and SWERFs following them. 

They also routinely share blatantly incorrect information about issues such as abuse, medication, and psychology. 

Some examples of misinformation include:

They claim that valium (diazepam) is made from valerian (a herb). This is completely untrue.

Here in this very NSFW link, they tell a young woman who’s upset about her boyfriend watching porn to “focus on more sexually mature males”. 

Here, they conflate meditation with a Pavlovian response and tell readers that they “must accept what she says unquestioningly”. This is a huge red flag for abuse; you should never accept anything without question from anyone. 

Here she conflates trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome, and provides a self-quiz that has zero basis in psychology, counseling or mental health care of any kind.

In this post, she conflates child sexual abuse with a number of concepts found in new age spirituality while suggesting that an anonymous askers’ feelings of unease around men are based on repressed memories of child sexual abuse. This is someone she doesn’t even know.

In this post, she conflates parentification (sometimes called ‘covert incest’) with sexual abuse, when the term actually refers to a parent relying on their child for emotional support

Here, she says that some incomprehensible nonsense that I’m guessing is meant to mean the Madonna-Whore complex, is “causing 100% of your medical and mental health problems”, a very dangerous and frankly ridiculous statement.

And these are just what I can see on the first page. This person is offering psychological advice that is not only wrong but potentially very harmful. 

I am not suggesting that anyone sends hate to this person. I recommend blocking them, sharing this post so other people are aware of what’s going on, an keeping an eye on the sources of the posts you reblog so you can avoid reblogging misinformation from them. 

I know there’s a lot of information here so I’ll summarize

All the lavender- blogs are run by one person, with LavenderHealing appearing to be their primary blog

this person follows everyone they encounter, regardless of their boundaries, like a spam blog

they are openly hostile to trans women and sex workers while also following us against our explicit consent, in violation of our boundaries

the majority of their posts are not only factually incorrect but potentially very dangerous

I recommend blocking them, reblogging this post and being mindful of the sources of the posts you reblog since none of the lavender blogs are reliable sources

Thanks for reading, stay safe everyone.

[bifeminism]

Guys, this is the blog(s) I was talking about. I’m glad someone else noticed and was spreading the word- thank you for making this post!  

Here is the post I was talking about that I saw, which is a response to this person’s post (x) 

[dosajam]

By their own admission, they have 13 blogs (see the 3rd image):

http://lavenderhealing.tumblr.com/

http://lavendersisterhood.tumblr.com/

http://lavendertheatre.tumblr.com/

http://lavenderlibrary.tumblr.com/

http://lavenderpoetrycafe.tumblr.com/

http://lavenderenergy.tumblr.com/

http://lavender-forthe-soul.tumblr.com/

http://lavendermuseums.tumblr.com/

those are the ones I’ve found. If you are on your dash, hover over each, go down the menu, and black. If you go through settings, go to settings, click on your blog (so https://www.tumblr.com/settings/blog/YOURBLOGURL) scroll down to the bottom, “edit” blocked users and add more names. 

[dupatta]

@anon I don’t think you want your message published. Lots of love and strength. Thank you for your kind words

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The very first part in healing is shattering the silence.

Erin Merryn (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[survivorspeaks]

Here’s How A Woman Is Helping Others Reclaim Their Bodies After Sexual...

"It's never your fault if you experience rape or sexual violence."

Pavan Amara was raped when she was a teenager. As is the case for many survivors of sexual violence, the attack deeply affected the way she felt about herself physically. Unsure of what to do or how to feel better about her body, she looked for support online.

Amara typed “rape, body image, can’t go to doctor” into Google. Very few useful search results came up.

“I found it very difficult to go to the doctor myself,” Amara, a now 27-year-old student nurse from north London, told BuzzFeed News. “I wanted to have cervical screening and the coil fitted but it reminded me too much of forensic testing that I’d had to have after being raped.”

Amara interviewed other women who had experienced sexual violence about whether they also had difficulty reclaiming their bodies. It turned out they did, and that they all found the healthcare they needed difficult to access. Many felt they were “paying the consequences of what happened”, and some had avoided having preventative screenings for cervical cancer or having internal contraceptives fitted because the process triggered memories of being assaulted and raped.

After speaking to clinicians who agreed that many women would really benefit from care dedicated to this issue, Amara decided to take action.

[bad-dominicana-deactivated20260]

Guide to Surviving Your “Community” After and While Surviving Other Abuse

have you been abused, violated or sexually assaulted and are debating whether to tell people about it, report it or call it out? well the way our abuse culture society is structured, there are severe pitfalls to you speaking. i cannot protect you but i can warn you of some of whats to come. unfortunately you will have to put on your battle shield. reactions will be more harmful, the more marginalized you are.

here’s a list of things to expect (note: it will still hurt deeply even if you see it coming):

*think you can trust your better friends to hear you and believe you? think again. this will be the true test of who loves you. those who you least expect will flip on you and villify you. even if they seem to understand abuse and trauma and talk mad theoretical smack about it.

*be ready to be further traumatized by others callous abusive reactions and qualifications for “proper” worthy victimhood.

*this is when anybody who ever remotely had ill feelings towards you will take the chance to kick you while youre down and hate you even more. any ol dirt & past errors will be dug up to justify or brush off what was done to you.

*if they cant think of things you did wrong, they may make things up to justify resenting you and feeling discomfort now.

*do not expect basic empathy. or support from people close to you. it may come from them or no one or those you least expected.

*you may be called a shitstarter for disrupting peoples false sense of peace.

*you may be called a crazy liar by people you love and people who dont know much of you.

*you may be treated like your being abused is contagious and an abherration so expect some people to become cold and distant.

*you may be called unsafe, irresponsible and selfish for not blasting it and warning everyone, and white feminists may suggest you be put in prison for being too scared to testify.

*you may be forced to report to get any help, and if its emotional abuse, they wont let you report coz it wont be considered “real” enough tho it definitely is. note: reporting may also put you at risk for retaliation from your abuser.

*your family and friends, coworkers, may simply brush it under the rug and sideeye you if you ever act affected by it.

*you may be policed, admonished, guilted, gaslighted. for speaking it, for not speaking it, for not processing and healing fast enough. for not being clearheaded and strong enough while everyone shits on you and denies you.

*you may become a persona nongrata to everyone who prefers to disappear you than have to feel discomfort seeing you or accept these are common occurences we have to learn to deal with.

*you may be told that others ‘selfcare’ involves throwing you overboard and/or victimblaming.

*be ready to be dumped by hella people and to dump a bunch more who cant treat you humanely.

*good luck, love. its a cruel world.

[bad-dominicana-deactivated20260]

shouldve added, honey, if you cant afford a therapist? dont feel bad if you dont want to tell anyone else. you will be rarely well recieved. and many therapists also love victimblaming so.

[bad-dominicana-deactivated20260]

fuck. ima hafta keep adding to this list.

*if you notice people you care about become distant with you as they comfort people who think youre evil post-abuse? well beware coz if you ever mention it to somebody and how it hurts in what you think is confidentiality? they may start telling people that you have *gasp* survivor fears and you’ll be even more evil. youre not allowed to be afraid of what you can tell is lopsided. :/

*if you keep ties with people who have become a bit cold post-abuse? you may be called a user if they hear that you noticed. you dont get to keep a safe distance while remaining pals like they do.

*did you tell somebody what happened coz you swear you can trust them? think again. that shit may be weaponized and any fear you expressed will become another reason why youre evil.

*people will hate hearing it from you but they will love spreading botched interpretations among themselves that decontextualize your fears and make you look crazy and evil. apparently its ok for others to fuck up & convolute your narrative. but its not ok for you to tell it yourself as youre able.

*if you notice people treating you like a contagion, again think twice about expressing hurt about it in private. soon the person you sadly confided in will be telling people you see *them* as contagion.

*be ready to have people you trusted go around warning others about you and your crazy fearful traumatized self after they refuse to understand why youre scared. that is pretty much the same as evil as far as theyll tell it.

*some people will be uncomfy with you and bounce but if you avoid em theyll call it you bein a harrassing bullying meanie. avoidance is pretty much the devil if its you doing it and heaven and god if its them doing it.

[bad-dominicana-deactivated20260]

*if you express disappointment and hurt about how ‘radical’ culture complies with abuse culture coz its how youre being treated by far and large? be ready to have it individualized like you named a single persons mama as a fraud.

[altctrldelete-deactivated201605]

literally all these things have happened to me

[bad-dominicana-deactivated20260]

:( ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[sarahtaylorgibson]

My mother once told me that trauma is like Lord of the Rings. You go through this crazy, life-altering thing that almost kills you (like, say, having to drop the one ring into Mount Doom), and that thing by definition cannot possibly be understood by someone who hasn’t gone through it. They can sympathize, sure, but they’ll never really know, and more than likely they’ll expect you to move on from the thing fairly quickly. But that’s not how it works. Some lucky people are like Sam. They can go straight home, get married, have a whole bunch of curly headed Hobbit babies and pick up their gardening right where they left off, content to forget the whole thing and live out their days in peace. Lots of people however, are like Frodo, and they don’t come home the same person they were when they left, and everything is more horrible and more hard then it ever was before. The old wounds sting and the ghost of the weight of the one ring still weighs heavy on their minds, and they don’t fit in at home anymore, so they get on boats go sailing away to the Undying West to look for the sort of peace that can only come from within. Frodos can’t cope, and most of us are Frodos when we start out. But if we move past the urge to hide or lash out, my mother always told me, we can become Pippin and Merry. They never ignored what had happened to them, but they were malleable and receptive to change. They became civic leaders and great storytellers; they were able to turn all that fear and anger and grief into narratives that others could delight in and learn from, and they used the skills they had learned in battle to protect their homeland. They were fortified by what had happened to them, they wore it like armor and used it to their advantage. It is our trauma that turns us into guardians, my mother told me. It is suffering that strengthens our skin and softens our hearts, and if we learn to live with the ghosts of what has been done to us, we just may be able to save others from the same fate.

S.T. Gibson (via wmilam)

[dupatta]

Saying no, even in the most mundane of circumstances, is still hard

[dupatta]

Grief after anger, the grief that becomes heavy. Quiet grief. Silent grief. A silence that fills me completely from the inside until there is nothing but heaviness and grey skies. And yet, I am at peace. Just leave me be in my sleep, under heavy grey skies that refuse to break out. It’s ok. Here, I find my refuge, away from you, away from your touch, away from everyone. 

Let me grieve in my sleep. A sleep that brings no rest, a bleak, black sleep. Let me grieve in my sleep, on this charpai leaving red imprints on my brown skin. Let me grieve, a mourner needs no nourishment, so do not ask me to a meal. Let me grieve, a mourner needs no companion, so don’t invite me to hear the drum. Let me grieve, let me grieve, let me grieve, let me sink into this grief, so that I may wake up a little more wholesome on the other side. 

On a bench by a bridge by a bleak lake. Where did all the animals go? Does grief frighten away nature too? Ah,  a mosquito bite. I am alive. Look at this evidence of my life. A bug bite. Another, another, another. 

I am not dead. See, grief does not mean death. So why are you afraid of my grief? Why do you want to banish it to the depths of hell the depths of this lake by which we sit? I’ll drown in  this lake, I tell you. You’ll drown in your grief, you tell me. No, no, you don’t understand. I trust my grief now. I trust it. I trust it and it no longer turns into anger. 

Let me grieve. Under an iron grey sky that does not break. On a charpai, white dupatta, red mehndi. Your worried eyes, gentle presence, I am comforted. You learn to sit in my silence. You learn to wait. 

And I am alive. Alive, silent, waiting, grieving. Waiting to see what comes after this flood. So much pain.  And you sit by me, gentle friend, you learn to wait by me.  

[partytilfajr]

Asalamu Alaikum, I know you're a guy and I apologize in advance if this question discomforts you in any way. How can a person support or comfort a friend who was raped and in a really dark place? It just seems insensitive to say things like "it was God's will" and it's all your test whatnot.

Wa alykum as-salaam,

I appreciate your concern with my discomfort, but, many victims of rape are men, particularly men when they were younger. Clearly, women are more likely to being assaulted, but I just don’t want you to think that men should be exempt or unaware or insensitive to assault. Sexual abuse and assault is one of the big problems in any community, and ours, and the fact that we don’t address it with expertise is terrible.

That being said, I’m no expert, I’m not trained in the best ways to deal with that, but, I think if you’re going to utter the words “it was God’s will” to someone who was assaulted, you’re being cruel.

First, it wasn’t God’s will that someone raped someone. That criminal wasn’t inspired by anyone, nor tempted by the victim, it was on the criminal.

Second, making sure they get help is really important. Finding resources, when they’re ready to talk about that, is a good thing to find out.

Third, I think we put too much of a premium on talking. My job is to talk, but honestly, the best thing we can do is just listen. No comments. No “well one time I…” None of that. Just listening. Asking what they want to talk about. Reassuring that you’ll be there, and following that up with actually being there.

That’s what we need. We need to protect people who have been subject to this heinous crime, contact authorities if possible, seek professional help, but just being there and focusing on that person rather than what talking points we can use.

I think the fact that many (if not most) victims of assault face a stigma in our communities is a literal travesty. We should be protecting, advocating, and seeking to prevent this stuff from happening, but we don’t. That is one of the most painful problems in our Ummah, and we do very little about it.

I’m not the one to be able to change it, because I don’t have the training. If I said anything wrong, please correct me, please, but just know that I will do whatever I can, in my limited capacity, to help those who need it, insha Allah.

[dupatta]

The above is great advice. I'm just going to add something from my experience.

For a long time I felt like Allah had somehow abandoned me. It helped me a lot knowing that I'll get my justice with Allah even if I didn't get my justice in this world. It also helped knowing that regardless of if anyone understood my pain or not, my God did so after a while I'd cry and complain to Him.

Don't get me wrong. I raged against Allah a lot too. I couldn't understand why it happened to me, what had I done wrong. Phrases like "this is a test" etc kind of reinforces the idea that somehow I deserved this. But I didn't. No one does. So please don't say that. If you've already said it, please find a way to counter it. Tell them that you were wrong, please own it. And if they ask, "why did God let this happen to me" say " I don't know but I don't think God will let your grievances go unanswered".

Please own what you don't know. But you do know that Allah is merciful and just and that your friend has a right to complain in His court. Please let your friend grieve. Please counter any of your friends thoughts of self blame. If your friend says "I think this might not have happened if I had done so and so" please maintain a steady "I don't think you did/did not do could have prevented what happened". There's a lot of resources on the Internet on how to help a friend survive trauma so look that up inshallah.

Also, don't bring up religion needlessly. My spiritual is a powerful tool for me but hearing religious edicts all the time doesn't/didn't help. Sometimes I needed to rage. Sometimes I needed to grieve. I still grieve. That's it.

Please remember that it takes a long time to heal. And please don't condemn your friend if they are angry in terms of their spirituality and come away from their religion. Osama is right, that person needs to be heard above all else. So stay patient inshallah. I hope this helps

[babyzoloft-blog]

How do you (“how does one”) shop for a therapist?

Can you call up a therapist and be like “hi, I’m therapist shopping”? Can you schedule an appointment with a therapist and then be like “actually I have some questions and I want to spend part of this appointment talking about your practice and whether or not it is garbage?”? Are you expected to phone interview/screen your therapists if you are shopping around for a therapist?

If you’re seeing one therapist are you supposed to/not supposed to tell them if you start seeing another therapist? Is it possible to cheat on your therapist?

[triflesandparsnips]

I know this one! Or, at least, I know a way to do it, because I’ve done it.

1) When you call them up (or email them, which I prefer, because PHONE, EW), you ask if they’re taking new patients.

2) If they say yes, say something along the lines of “Great! I’m looking for a new therapist. Would it be possible for me to schedule an appointment so we can see whether we’d be a good fit for one another?”

IF THEY SAY NO, THEY DON’T DO ‘INTERVIEWS’: they’re a dick, you don’t want them anyway, don’t bother to make an appointment

3) Assuming everything is a go, head over to the appointment. Bring your notebook, pen, and questions. Also, if possible, have a very brief rundown prepared of what you’d like to accomplish with your therapy (or even what you think your biggest issues are).

4) Introduce yourself. Reiterate that you want to see if the two of you would be a good fit, so [a nice little social laugh or smile here, while holding up your notebook] you brought questions.

IF THEY DON’T LIKE THAT: they’re a dick, you don’t want them anyway, cut the meeting short

5) Give the rundown of what you want, what your issues are, whatever. See how they react.

IF YOU FEEL WEIRD AT ALL ABOUT THEM: they may not be a dick, but if you don’t feel comfortable with them, then it’s going to be a shit therapeutic relationship

6) Ask your questions — about their therapeutic approach, why they entered the field, whether they feel comfortable working with *your* needs (I, for instance, specifically told my awesome therapist that I needed her to tell me absolutely nothing about her personal life or experiences — as much as possible, I needed a blank wall to bounce things off of. It’s been years now, and I THINK she’s seen at least a couple of episodes of Doctor Who. I THINK. That’s all I’ve got. It’s amazing).

AGAIN, IF YOU FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THEM: go with your gut — your therapy is not the time or place to try and soldier through

7) By this point, you’ve probably hit the 45 minute mark, and you’ll know if you want to see this person again.

IF YES, say that this was a really great meeting, and you’d like to set up a regular appointment.

IF NO, say “Thanks for meeting with me.” If it wasn’t too terrible, feel free to add in whatever social niceties you want to lessen the blow (“I have appointments with a few other people, still, but thank you again!”), or you could just skedaddle as soon as possible.

IF YOU’RE NOT SURE, go a bit heavier with the social nicety: “I still have appointments with a few other people, but I really enjoyed our meeting. I’ll let you know as soon as possible if I’d like to schedule another one. Thanks again!”

Regarding current therapists: If they’re toxic, get rid of ‘em before you even start interviewing others. Nobody needs that kind of garbage. Otherwise, you could keep seeing them while you interview others, and then the second you find one you like (and you schedule your next appointment), get rid of your current one. You don’t have to say why — just say that you’d like to cancel future appointments. Do it over email, if you want. If you like them, you can tell them that you just need something different now, but that you “really appreciate all the work we’ve done together” or something. If you don’t like them, just cancel. They don’t need to know jack.

IF YOUR CURRENT THERAPIST SAYS SHIT ABOUT YOUR LEAVING — and I mean anything other than a positive hope for you in the future — then they were a dick and you were right to find someone else. Who needs passive-aggressive bullshit from a therapist? Nobody, that’s who.

So that’s my philosophy/style with regard to therapist shopping — I may be completely wrong, but it’s worked for me so far. Good luck!

[not-painted-anymore-blog-deacti]

Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk (via bbykoi)

[englishgradinrepair]

[purgatory-poetry]

Don’t forget to love her. The little girl you used to be. Perhaps She lies within you. Untucked. Sleeping peacefully.

“Nurture.” By Kiana Llanos [September 7th, 2013: 6:43PM] (via purgatory-poetry)

[inspirationwordslove]

love this! love positive words

[gladi8rs]

later taters

[fempersephone-deactivated201804]

I’m here for the girls who unwillingly consented to sex or sexual acts because they were in a situation where they didn’t feel as if they had the right to say no and now feel violated but don’t feel like they can say they were raped or molested.

[666ter-deactivated20171116]

this is probably one of the most important text posts i have ever seen because i feel like this is a HUGE issue among teenagers especially young girls in today’s social culture and nobody talks about it. nobody tells you that you were in fact abused and sometimes it takes you years to finally realize what happened to you was wrong, and it’s really scary and confusing! we need to teach each other that “rape” or “molestation” can happen in many circumstances and not just the ones we are taught!!!!