heart of glass

there are constellations igniting in your eyes but there’s a black hole engulfing your heart and oh god, it won’t let you feel dorcas meadowes. former hufflepuff, current healer in training. order member. twenty

[dvrcas-a]

mxcdxnxlds:

Mary had suspected it was coming, but she’d been desperately hoping that it wasn’t this, that it wasn’t what she feared it would be. But she knew Dorcas. And she knew this was hard for her, that eventually, the other shoe would drop and they’d end up caught somewhere in this limbo of discomfort and worry. She did her best not to sigh, and shook her head. 

“Look, Doe, if you’re not…” She didn’t want to say it. She could’ve caught the words with her hand and threw them away if that was possible. She looked up at her and tried to meet her gaze. Or try to, at least; Dorcas wasn’t looking at her, which only made her feel worse. “It can mean whatever you want it to mean. I don’t want you to be unhappy, or–” Maybe she was misreading Dorcas’ expression, but she didn’t think she was. And it crushed her to think that. She adjusted her hijab and closed the fridge after putting the milk in it. “What do you want it to mean?”

She felt terrible, like an enemy, an antagonist. Why, she didn’t know, but she knew that she had caused this, this conversation, this feeling of queasiness in her own chest and awkwardness between her and Mary. Maybe this conversation was happening too soon, or maybe it was much too late --- she didn’t know. All she knew was that she should stop thinking about things like that, and focus on this in stead.

“I --- I don’t know,” she said, meeting Mary’s eyes finally. Dorcas moved closer, taking one of the other’s hands -- she tried not to think about what that all could mean, because she was spinning already -- and squeezing it mildly. “It was good, wasn’t it? It was ... I mean, it wasn’t just good because you’re a good kisser -- which you are, apparently -- but because ...” She trailed, off shook her head. “There was something there for me. Something more than just a kiss, it was right.” She frowned, pushed her lips together. “I love you Mare, that much is clear, and I don’t know what this means, but I do know that it was real, real good.” Her frown became deeper, then, and her voice was quieter when she asked, “Was it for you, too? What do you -- what do you feel?”

[ourwakingsoules-deactivated2019]

You do not have to be good. / You do not have to walk on your knees / through the desert repenting. / You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves.

Mary Oliver, Wild Geese (via aranrhod)

[dvrcas-a]

beautifulgxyle:

Catrina watches her, trying to keep her expression imperious and calm, though her heart is pounding. What if something is wrong with her baby? The precious baby she has longed for, for so long. She relaxes a little when the girl says it’s better to have fallen on her side. “I just haven’t felt–” She pauses, as the baby gives a great kick, as if to reassure her. “Oh, he kicked. I just felt him. That’s good, isn’t it?” She gives a little pout as Dorcas goes on. “It was awful. People hardly know how to act in a crisis. As if running about and trampling each other isn’t going to make things worse.”

Her face clears up, and she nods. “Yes, yes --- that’s good,” she says, nodding. Dorcas feels relief spread through her; while she didn’t particularly start of right with the other, she wouldn’t wish anything bad upon her baby (or her, for that matter). “It’s never a bad sign when a baby kicks.” She nods, then, at the rest of Catrina’s words. “It have to agree with you there. I got stuck in a crowd, fell in it, to be precise. It was pure madness.” She lets out a sigh. “At my elementary schools, we used to do evacuation drills ... maybe Hogwarts and such should do those too.”

[dvrcas-a]

wxrmtxil:

Peter offers her a little smile. “Yeah, she’s alright,” he said. “I only spoke to her for a little bit, obviously she has a lot going on right now – I can’t imagine being a staff member at Mungo’s at the moment – but I think she’s alright.” He gives a little sigh. “I know. I don’t understand how this happened.”

“Don’t even try to imagine, you’ll want to sleep for forever,” she says, letting out a bit of a laugh. “I’m glad, though. I’ll check up on her soon.” Dorcas shakes her head, taking another sip of water. “I don’t understand most of this ... whole mess. I don’t even know if I want to, it’s that messed up.”

[dvrcas-a]

atticusnarcissus:

Atticus smiles faintly. “Yes,” he says. “He does have a name. A real name. But she calls him that.” He gives her another faint smile. “I know.”

“Oh, yeah, what is it again? Theodore?,” she asks, frowning a little. “I barely hear her call it anything but Beastie, I just forget.”

[dvrcas-a]

tcdtxnks:

He shakes his head. “I’m everyone’s dad,” he says, though he’s teasing. He nods. “It makes sense. Hogwarts meant a lot to a lot of people, this… it’s frightening.” He smiles at her, unable to help himself. “We got lucky. And it is, yeah. It was terrifying at the time, considering Andy’s family was still a  part of her life when we were younger, but that didn’t make it any less worth fighting for. She’s incredible. And sometimes you just know that’s the right path for you. Even if it seems insane.”

“Then you must be a shit father to a lot of people out there. No one has the time to be everyone’s dad and be good at it.” She rubs her neck, sighs. “Yeah. It seemed like the last place that wasn’t ruined by all this, you know? Of course, that’s not entirely true, any muggleborn will say that, but ... still.” She smiles a little. “I can imagine. It’s brilliant, though, that you still ... defied all odds. Flipped off the stuffy purebloods and all, at the same time.”

[dvrcas-a]

indogyearsimdeadsirius:

“It depends on if Dumbledore decides to open the school, doesn’t it? Otherwise, we’re all just fucked.” 

“If he closes it, I’m gonna send him ten howlers. That’s not bloody happening. Won’t do anyone any good.”

[dvrcas-a]

mxcdxnxlds:

It was impossible to say that Mary hadn’t spent too much time thinking about Dorcas. The ghostly feeling of her lips against her own was one that occupied too much of Mary’s mind and time, and the focused care that she so often showed to all parts of her life fell slightly to the wayside, until she’d given in to her flightish little fantasies and resolved to properly settle things with Dorcas. Be kissed again or pack her things and move out of their little flat to avoid the embarrassment of having ruined such a good thing.

The door opened, and she smiled back at Dorcas with surprise when she walked into the kitchen. “Hey,” she said, putting down the bowl she’d been idly chopping vegetables into and wiping her hands on her pants. She hated those words. They never meant anything good. “Uh, yeah,” she said. “Sure.” She started unpacking one of the grocery bags. “What’s up?”

She had -- perhaps naively -- thought that saying can we talk was enough, and that somehow everything would fix itself after those three words. Of course, it wasn’t as simple as that, as none of this was. Kissing your best friend right after people died in the middle of a hospital wasn’t supposed to be simple. Dorcas didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing yet.

Hands sorted through groceries and she found herself biting her lip again, waiting a moment to reply. Words were hard to come by in these times, but in this situation it seemed even harder. “You know,” she said, not quite meeting Mary’s eyes, but resting her hands. “About us. That -- that kiss.” Dorcas wished to turn and run, to get herself of the lease of the small place and move somewhere far away. “What it meant, and stuff.” 

[pulchra-anguis]

riddle’s curse ;;

[dvrcas-a]

pulchra-anguis: 

What? No, Dorcas. You’re doing things that are important here too, you know. This is also important, you can’t look around here today and say that it isn’t.  

“You’re right, I guess. I’m just ... tired of being a bloody intern, I guess. And they say Hufflepuffs have patience.” She lets out a bit of a chuckle. “I just wanna do more.”

[dvrcas-a]

remusnotromulus:

Yeah, I can only imagine. [ he puts his hands on her shoulders ] Okay, breathe, please. You’re overthinking this. I know relationships freak you out, but it’s Mary. Mary’s a good person, and she likes you. And you like her, right? Take a breath. 

“Am I, Remus? We’re best mates. We live together, for god’s sake ... if this somehow messes with our friendship, I’d not forgive myself. I think --- I think it’s good to be a bit freaked out about this. Right? Not, like, too freaked out, but a little bit.”

[dvrcas-a]

beatertothepunch:

[ she sighs heavily, shaking her head before looking up at dorcas ] You actually believe that? I mean genuinely, that’s something that you believe, that it’s going to be okay. It’s not just some line that you’re saying to make people feel better. 

She bites her lip, shrugs. “Getting real here, huh?,” she says, as if this had all been pretense before. “God, I don’t know. Right now? I don’t know if things will be okay. I think it’d be naive to say so. I don’t know what else to say, though.” 

[dvrcas-a]

totallyrad-tilden:

I’ll leave her to make out with someone of her choosing. [ she laughs, grinning widely before shrugging ] I lost count! I’m a wild and free spirit, Doe, I can’t keep track of these things.

“As will I. Though I will be really surprised if she starts making out with some random person,” she says, chuckling a little. “Right, right, you have better things to do. Makes sense. No judging here, by the way, I’m just impressed.”

[totallyrad-tilden]

riddle’s curse ;;

[dvrcas-a]

totallyrad-tilden:

I know we will. But how do we fight this? There’s no person to fight with this, it just… happened. 

She’s quiet, shakes her head. “I don’t know, Til. I’m trying to find stuff to hold onto but it just feels like ... like water or something. I don’t know.”

[dvrcas-a]

andy-tonks:

“There is very much to do, yes,” Andy says, with a little smile. “But we’ll get through it somehow.” She gave a soft smile. “Oh, did he?” she says, with a little laugh and a shake of her head. “What did he tell you? He proposed by the lake, you know. That’s why we were out there.”

“I think we will, too --- don’t have much of a choice anyway,” she says (and if she did have a choice, she’d still stay). “Yeah! I mean, he talks about you a bunch. And about Tonks. I think he’s a bit obsessed, but it’s cute. And he told me all about that, it’s like right out of a fairytale.”

[dvrcas-a]

She was confused. While kissing Mary had, generally speaking, been a good experience, one that seemed to make things fall in its place, a feeling of fear had settled in her stomach. How something that had felt so good could be overshadowed by such worry was beyond Dorcas, and frustrating on top of it. There was only one thing to do, she supposed, and that was to talk about it. Not stay longer at work and not voice her worries when she was in Mary’s company (which she was, thanks to them sharing a small appartment and a workplace, in a lot), but talk. 

She was coming home from another long shift, slight bags under her eyes and bags with groceries in her hands when she decided it should be done now. She came through the door, shook raindrops from her jacket and gave Mary a small smile. “Hey, you,” she said, placing her bags on the kitchen table and shrugging off her jacket. “Can we talk?”

@mxcdxnxlds

[dvrcas-a]

beautifulgxyle:

Catrina nodded when Dorcas mentioned an ultrasound and a different Healer. “That would be ideal,” she said. “Some panic-stricken moron knocked into me, and I tripped over someone’s dropped purse. I hit my knees first and landed on my side, so I don’t think I hurt him. But still.”

She writes a quick memo for another Healer and sends it out, before turning to Catrina again. “I think they will be here as soon as possible, though that might be a while still,” she says. “That’s good, that you fell on your side. I mean, for the baby, not in general. I’m sorry, though, that you were so caught up in the chaos --- must have been stressful, especially when you’re pregnant.”

[dvrcas-a]

atticusnarcissus:

Atticus nods. “Yes,” he said. “That’s right.” He paused. “We have a son.”

“Beastie,” she says, chuckling a little. “I work under her, by the way. That’s how I know --- I’m not a stalker.”