epilogue

life with chronic pain, autism, adhd, & mental health stuff.

[dyingfaith]

Third epidural combined with gabapentin, diclofenac, Tylenol, PT, and a shitload of stretching has finally helped.

I’m so tired, but so happy I’m finally making progress.

[dyingfaith]

Today at PT my therapist gave me “the talk.”

The one where I need to discuss surgery with my doctor.

I saw it coming, but I’m feeling defeated.

Fuck.

[dyingfaith]

I was in bed for a huge chunk of the day. I’m tired, I hurt, and I’m losing optimism. I’m doing everything they’re telling me to. I’m doing my exercises. I’m taking my medicine. I’m not over-exerting myself. WTF else is there to do??

I have 6 days left until epidural #3. It feels like such a long time.

[dyingfaith]

More bs.

Yesterday I had ortho follow up, today I had PT. Epidural injection #3 on Feb 24th. Got additionally thrown on gabapentin 300mg 3x/day. Pain crept into my left side for the past couple of days and my right side wouldn’t release during myofascial release today. Just got my copy of the McGill Back Mechanic book in the mail today and I’m taking a look at it. If shit doesn’t straighten out soon, I’m going to be getting a referral to a neurosurgeon and see what my options are. I’m so sick of this shit. I’m increasingly tired and frustrated and I just want to give up.

[dyingfaith]

idk

So I woke up today and my legs were EXCRUCIATIGLY uncomfortable. I know water retention and temporary weight gain can happen with steroids, but can water retention really make it hurt THIS bad? My thighs straight up feel swollen and heavy. Am I just trying to dig for reasons for why this is happening?

Dude I just want 1 day of no pain anywhere. That’s literally all I’m asking for. I have so much work I have to do next week and I’m getting so tired of being this barely functioning shell of what I used to be.

I guess for achievements, though, I finally learned how to cut & iron vinyl for shirts. Made some shirts for my friend’s brother and hoping to maybe make my fiancé a surprise if he can tell me what he wants. I’m really trying my damndest to sink into my hobbies to ground me. 

I can’t help but feel really guilty about when I go into PT on Wednesday and tell her “yep, I got the 2nd epidural even though I told you last time I’m not sure if it’s really working.” We’ve been making progress and at the end of each session I do feel better. The issue is once I get back home and a few hours pass, it’s back to being very tight and painful and uncomfortable. It’s just so temporary and I don’t want her to feel like it’s her fault, because she does such a good job. She gives such a mean fascia release and does really good passive lumbar flexion and she is just so caring. Like the back flexibility has definitely improved. I’ve been even digging further into the at home exercises and got a lacrosse ball to dig into my butt area more. My right leg though, I don’t fucking know. I’ve had issues with this leg for the past 2 years because of my damn back. I’m frustrated.

[dyingfaith]

MORE BACK ISSUES! WOO!

I’ve been MIA for a while, whoops! PT has been continuing and I have made slight improvement in terms of back flexibility and leg pain - my fascia has been a big issue and myofascial release has greatly helped. Pelvis is also behaving most of the time, but I think I’ve had to get it realigned almost once a week. A week ago my tailbone was wedged again and my SI joint was acting up more than usual. I don’t have the pain in my leg all days and it definitely no longer radiates to my toes. It’s hovering around my lower knee, thigh, and ass. Back is extremely stiff and does have pain. Probably around a 6/10, down from a 8/10.

So 2 days ago I saw my ortho doctor to discuss it. What happened? Magic. We discussed a second epidural, but this time having it be transforaminal instead of interlaminar, which was what the last one was. He said it would be most likely more discomfort since it requires a longer needle (5 inch vs 3.5 inch) and has to go through more tissue and has a roughly 25% chance of hitting my nerve and sending a nice zing through my leg. He also talked about how as long as the leg is healing sooner than the back, things are looking good and that epidurals and pt may help more than surgery. If my back starts to heal more but the leg pain lingers, it might be bad news. Won’t know how that works out for a while, but so far it looks like it’s healing in the proper way. 

When was it scheduled for? YESTERDAY! I GOT IT A DAY AFTER MY FOLLOWUP APPOINTMENT! HOLY CRAP! My xanax order didn’t go through because there wasn’t enough time for it to process, so I just took a klonopin instead that I had access to since I have anxiety and some tylenol. Laid on the table, they scrubbed my back, got shot up with lidocaine, and in he went. L5 was FLAWLESS. Perfect placement. Very very little pain, if any. S1, however, did give me a zing which is supposedly a bit more rare. He backed the needle up though and kept asking me if I felt it still until I was comfortable again. Besides that zing, flawless. I actually think I liked the transforaminal more than the interlaminar. Also got a prescription for diclofenac since I told him the tylenol/advil combo hasn’t been cutting it and I don’t think cymbalta is doing much for me. The steroid he used this time was dexamethasone instead of depo-medrol and then bupivacaine, same as last time.

So now I rest up a bit. I feel really good right now besides discomfort if i lay directly on my back. Been laying on my stomach on a pillow, but have also been walking around pretty flawlessly. 

PT also got renewed. I’m so happy I have him as a doctor. I’ve never gotten care this good EVER.

[dyingfaith]

So a lot has happened. I feel like that’s basically how I start everything now. “A lot has happened.” I have ketamine infusions scheduled, the first one beginning 12/2. I’m anxious to the point of wanting to puke, honestly. This is going to be expensive as hell, but I feel I really have no other choices right now. This will be 4 birds with 1 stone for me - pain, anxiety, depression, and ptsd. It looks like a roughly 80% efficacy rate? I just really cannot suffer anymore. Something has to give. I have a lot to do in preparation. Like take a shower.

[dyingfaith]

Things have gotten a bit crazy. PT started on Friday and I have some hope for it. Physical therapist is really nice. I got a over-bed table for my laptop so I can sit/lay a little more since going upstairs is a literal pain in the ass as well as a shower chair so I don’t have to stand for a long period of time. Not sure if the ESI is working yet. I’m thinking I might end up needing a second one. I’m so tired and miserable and just want to go back to being functional again but have a feeling that’s not really a reality anytime soon. I hate being dependent. My mom isn’t understanding there are certain tasks I’m literally not allowed to do, so I do them anyways and end up screwing myself over even more and am stuck in bed for the rest of the day. I literally never knew back issues could be so debilitating until I started having them. I feel like such a douche.

[dyingfaith]

I got an answer. torn disc on top of the ddd and retrolisthesis. cortisone edit: medrol injection on wednesday with a nice long stint of PT. woohoo. surgery avoided for now. 

[dyingfaith]

i have my mri followup on friday and its supposed to snow. now i’m terrified that i won’t be able to even make it there. my xray showed ddd between l4-s1 and retrolisthesis in l5-s1 and i’m just so afraid of what the mri is going to reveal. i want answers. i’ve been in the worst pain of my life, glued to my bed, barely eating. fuck this shit. 

[dyingfaith]

I feel like I’m sinking.

[dyingfaith]

I considered making a doctors appointment today to address the increased fatigue and pain I’ve been having since I never manage to get ahold of her while i’m in an active flare, but I decided not to because I gained like 40 pounds this year due to my entire fucking state being closed until recently and of course she’s going to tell me it’s weight related before she addresses the real issue. Oh well.

[ivebeenmade]

The BITE model: how cults brainwash people explained

Behavior Control

1. Regulate individual’s physical reality

2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates

3. When, how and with whom the member has sex

4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles

5. Regulate diet – food and drink, hunger and/or fasting

6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep

7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence

8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time

9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet

10. Permission required for major decisions

11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors

12. Rewards and punishments used to modify

behaviors, both positive and negative

13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think

14. Impose rigid rules and regulations

15. Punish disobedience by beating, torture, burning,cutting, rape, or tattooing/branding

16.  Threaten harm to family and friends

17. Force individual to rape or be raped

18. Instill dependency and obedience

II. Information Control

Deception: a.                  Deliberately withhold information b.                  Distort information to make it more acceptable c.                  Systematically lie to the cult member

Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information, including: a.                  Internet, TV, radio, books, articles, newspapers, magazines, other media b.                  Critical information c.                  Former members d.                  Keep members busy so they don’t have time to think and investigate e.                  Control through cell phone with texting, calls, internet tracking

Compartmentalize information into Outsider vs. Insider doctrines a.                  Ensure that information is not freely accessible b.                  Control information at different levels and missions within group c.                  Allow only leadership to decide who needs to know what and when

Encourage spying on other members a.                  Impose a buddy system to monitor and control member b.                  Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership c.                  Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group

Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda, including: a.                  Newsletters, magazines, journals, audiotapes, videotapes, YouTube, movies and other media b.                  Misquoting statements or using them out of context from non-cult sources

6. Unethical use of confession a. Information about sins used to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries

b. Withholding forgiveness or absolution

c. Manipulation of memory, possible false memories.

III. Thought Control

1.Require members to internalize the group’s doctrine as truth a.  Adopting the group’s ‘map of reality’ as reality

b.  Instill black and white thinking

c.  Decide between good vs. evil

d.  Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders)

2.Change person’s name and identity

3.Use of loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words

4.Encourage only ‘good and proper’ thoughts

5.Hypnotic techniques are used to alter mental states, undermine critical thinking and even to age regress the member

6.Memories are manipulated and false memories are created

7.Teaching thought-stopping techniques which shut down reality testing by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only positive thoughts, including:

a.Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking

b.Chanting

c.Meditating

d.Praying

e.Speaking in tongues

f.Singing or humming

8.Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism

9.Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed

10.Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful

IV. Emotional Control

1.Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings – some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish

2.Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt

3.Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault

4.Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as

a.Identity guilt

b.You are not living up to your potential

c.Your family is deficient

d.Your past is suspect

e.Your affiliations are unwise

f.Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish

g.Social guilt

h.Historical guilt

5.Instill fear, such as fear of:

a.Thinking independently

b.The outside world

c.Enemies

d.Losing one’s salvation

e.Leaving or being shunned by the group

f.Other’s disapproval

6.Extremes of emotional highs and lows – love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you are horrible sinner

7.Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins

8.Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority

a.No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group

b.Terrible consequences if you leave: hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations, etc.

c.Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends, peers, and family

d.Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll

e.Threats of harm to ex-member and family

Methods like this are used by cults, terrorist groups, what some politicians are doing right now…etc

[furiousgoldfish]

tips for running away from home, from someone who did that:

don’t tell your abusers what you’re up to; they will put their energy into sabotaging you, for example, I was fairly clear about intending to move out, and my parents took great effort to convince me that it’s absolutely impossible for me to survive on my own, tried to take away my money by any means necessary, even getting me to sign a contract with a bank so i wouldn’t be able to access my money in there (luckily i didn’t put any of my money there to that scheme failed), and in the end they tried to convince me that any money i made freelancing will be stolen before i ever see it, and tried to prove that the money doesn’t even exist. it didn’t stop me but sure made me a lot more miserable than i should have been

don’t let your abusers know where you are, they will try to get to you; i ran away after an extreme violent outburst my parents threw at me, there was death threats, injuries, broken mobile phone i tried to use to film the violence, door taken away from my room, it was enough for anyone to get the hell away from a place, and when my mother found out my first hiding location she came to tell me that i have to think about why all of that was my fault. again, making me a lot more miserable than i should have been.

first few days (weeks) you’ll be in state of a shock, especially if you’ve been unsure if you’ll be able to get away; i couldn’t determine if i could function at all after escaping, my head was spinning, i had breakdowns every other day convinced that i’m about to die, it was due to the heavy brainwashing that made me believe that i was dead if i were to run away, there was no way to escape the fear and the torture of it, I hope not everyone is brainwashed this way but I do see a lot of people doubting if they have what it takes to go thru life without parents, and the answer is yes you do, you got it all.

your abusers will react in the way that will hurt you most; i know of some parents who aimed to injure their run away kid by pretending they could live just fine without them, like the child was a nuisance to their life and they were better without it, and in that case it was the most hurtful and cruel thing they could have done, since the child slaved their life away for the sake of acknowledgment and attention from parents. In my situation however, my parents kept acting their entire life like i was a huge burden and worthless waste of space, and it made me feel like if I were to run away they would let me be and pretend I never existed, and I would be free. However I was wrong. They contacted my friends, parents of my friends, entire outer family circle and anyone they knew to be in contact with me to make me feel guilty for leaving and tell me i was wrong and should come back, they found the person who sheltered me and convinced even them to tell me to return (this was the person who saw me after the violent attack, while i was shaking and out of my mind with fear, they saw me hide under the bed constantly convinced i was about to be killed, and this person was still convinced by my parents that i should go. back. to that.), they made their friends add me on facebook and request information about my whereabouts until i had a panic attack and deleted facebook, they kept on finding means to contact me and storm me with guilt and shame even after i cut every means of contact i knew, they still sometimes barge into the house of my friend demanding to get in contact with me, demanding that letters, food, even money be given to me that they leave there (it took me a while to figure out they would never ever give me money for the sake of my survival, but would absolutely use money to control and sabotage me) - all you can do is in any case, to be ready for the worst. Be ready for whatever you fear the most they would do - because they will do that. Make plans of resistance, plans of keeping yourself safe thru it, plans of retreat and safety if what they do makes you suicidal.

when you’re free, the trauma symptoms will go berserk at first; your entire system is experiencing protection from abuse for the first time (protection is abusers not knowing where you are or how to get to you), and this means you’ll finally be free to actually feel all the fear, panic, pain, anger, exhaustion, torture and everything else your body has been holding in all this time for the sake of surviving with abusers around. After I settled in my hiding place, I could barely get up for 8 months, panic attacks were almost daily, i couldn’t sleep from how strongly i felt i was about to be killed and punished for escaping, flashbacks and nightmares wouldn’t stop, chronic exhaustion and chronic pain were so bad I could barely move, it was draining my life energy just to make food for myself, and i could often not leave the place and go outside at all, and would get anxiety attacks around any kind of people. Only tip I have is to not feel guilty for resting. Don’t feel guilty for taking your time to recover, you need it, what is happening to you at this moment is recovery from a war, that lasted all of your life. You are wounded and tortured and you need rehabilitation and as much rest as you can get. I know it doesn’t feel good to just lie about and not get anything done, I know the guilt of not being productive, but lying down for almost a year made me feel shameless about resting and taking my time. It also helped me realize that causes of my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion were all the things i was forced to do against my will, basically anything abusers forced me to do, anything school related, and anything i was doing for well being of others and not myself. Resting allowed my natural will to do things to awaken, even though it took long, I now don’t have to force myself to move anymore, i can get up without thinking about it, doing things i want to do makes me more energetic rather than exhausted. So, no more doing things against your will, for anyone.

you will slowly find out just how much your abusers lied to you about the world. and trust me they lied to you a whole fucking lot. you will find out all the threats they made were empty, all their opinions and insults sent at you baseless and imaginary, all the doubts they planted into your mind, will start sounding ridiculous and stupid. A lot of abusers try to make their children incapable of making their own choices and fighting their battles and gathering knowledge about the world, so they would always feel like they can’t do anything on their own, and would turn to their parents for guidance, however, abusive parents while making choices and guidances for you, only thought about themselves and whatever is convenient for them, and not for you, which by default, makes you the person capable of making better choices, because for the first time, choices would be made for you, by you. Control over your life will feel good once you realize it’s not hard or scary, but gives you the power to do what you please, without having to respond to anyone.

there will always be people who will try to make you doubt your decision and blame you and take your abuser’s side, those people are wrong, and they are your enemies. From this point on, anyone who tries to make you doubt your decision to save your life is an enemy. Nobody should ever try to make you doubt if you could have done anything else but pick yourself up and save yourself from abusive environment. You can absolutely decide that those people are scum who would have you dead for their convenience, and turn your back on them.

I don’t have any financial advice, because i only ran away after earning enough money to not end up homeless, and I just did it by freelancing over the internet, which is something my abusers didn’t expect me to be capable of, so they failed to sabotage me on time, they however did make sure to throw abuse my way every time i was doing good and achieving something, but i stubbornly kept working until it got me out.

Conclusion: running away is fucking hard, you lose your family, in some cases all of your relatives as well, you lose your heritage more often than not, your use your security and backup in life, your life just ceases to be what it was and turns into something completely new. You gain: yourself, your freedom, your life, your sanity, your health, your personhood, a chance to heal and recover, a chance to experience life as it should have been. Absolutely. Worth It.

[dyingfaith]

Well I almost joined a fringe religious cult to find happiness out of pure vulnerability and desperation, so there’s that... exmo community might get a laugh out of that at least. 

[sadallthedamntime-blog]

[toadallybpd]