Where my deepest thoughts lie

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

Sunday.

Sunday. It was the day when you said goodbye. Goodbye and you swore you’ll never go back again. Again to caging your heart in a jail of negative thoughts. Thoughts about how you mistook a blade to happiness. Happiness… that you crave. You crave for so long. Long before you got used to sadness. Sadness that now circles your heart. Your heart… that survived the pain of going through a lot. A lot of things… Things that shouldn’t be carried by such a fragile part of the human body. I wish I could go back to Sunday. I wish I could go back to the moment few hours before you did it. I wish… I wish I did something to stop you— No, I wish I did more to save you. I wish I could still paint you pictures of green grass swaying through the breeze of summer air back in April. I wish I could still sing you songs about how great it was to come back home. I wish you can still come back home, But you can’t. No matter how beautifully I sing, I cannot bring you back. No matter how much I do… How much I do to wind up the arms of the clock just to bring you close to me, I know I can’t. You’re gone. For good. In your own happy place. You finally found your solitude in the arms of God. How can I take that away from you? Please be happy now. You deserve it all this time. I just wish I was enough to make you happy. So that you’ll stay. You wouldn’t have to go. You wouldn’t have to leave. You wouldn’t have to die.

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

Mind wandering post #1

I don’t know what triggered me to start writing again. I guess, reading too much blog posts from my favorite indie artists started it but, oh well.

Recently, my mind often wanders to places that I want to go, mostly isolated, sometimes really quiet or any place where you just have to be alone. To be honest, I haven’t felt the solidarity I want these past few months. Everything seems so loud, but no people were around. There are a lot of voices, but no one wants to listen to mine.

I hope you understand that I just want to be alone sometimes. Sometimes.

[freshmoviequotes]

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

Sometimes, I just blog. Most times, I think about you.

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

Bye 2016, Hello 2017

I’ve been in an awful lot of places last year. A lot of people came and went. I can’t use “come and go” since it already happened, and I want this one specific person to stay longer than I want him to. Back in February last year, I met this super awkward but really awesome guy. He’s younger than me. I thought we won’t work out since I like dating older guys but we did. He is an angel sent to me, literally since he has ANGEL in his name. He was there for me in my best days and also in my worst. I can’t thank the heaven enough for giving me him. Things are going well, we thought we’re gonna be together forever but, our relationship didn’t withstand the distance between us. So, we broke up. We dated for about six months. I was really devastated by then since I really loved him despite all that. I was in a really dark place that time, since a lot has happened to me all at once. I went back to who I was before. Not trusting, not committing, just playing around. Then he came back again. I thought we’re gonna make it right this time but, I met this one specific person from work. I really don’t know what’s in him that made me remember the very first time I saw him. I guess he has this mysterious aura that makes you want to know him more. I like those kind of people. So, day by day, the more I try to resist it, the more I like him better. I am dating my “crush” right now, and I couldn’t been happier. To my Angel, I’m really sorry that we didn’t worked out. Just so you know, I still care about you because you’ve been a huge part of my life. I wish you all the best and happiness. Don’t you ever forget about me, okay? Maybe, when the time comes, we can talk again, even just as friends. To my Yanyan, yes you are my Yanyan don’t argue with me on this one, I’ve never really thought that we will be like this. Even now, I still can’t believe it since you were just my crush. All I did was to look at you secretly before. Now, I can stare deeply in your chinito eyes. Haha. I’m hoping to spend my 2017, and many other coming years with you. Daisuki! 2016 had its ups and downs, and I anticipate that 2017 will be like this one too, but bring it on. I’m ready!

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

Why did you fall out in fall?

I don't know if I will still be able to reach you, or you will see this, but here it goes. I hope you're happy right now. I told you, I always give way whenever I'm becoming an option. The "should-I-or-should-I-not-stay" game. I always lose on that. Because I believe that it was their choice if they fell out of love. I did my best, but, I guess my best wasn't good enough. And the only option for me is to let them go. Make myself the bad guy. The one who wanted the out. I have to do that. But never in my waking hours ever did stopped thinking about you. It's just that, you won't understand. To be honest, I really wished that you were older so that you are not that inconsistent, and you can come here immediately. You don't know all those nights and days that I never stopped thinking about you. I always show that I don't care, but to be honest, leaving you killed me. I love you more than you think. I love you more than you could ever imagine. But yours aren't like that. Yours changed a bit just because we lost communication for a bit and had problems at the same time. But I still love you despite all of that. You're the only reason that kept me living. I try to overcome all of it because I don't want to burden you. And yet I still did. Hahahaha. I hate my fucked up mental health because it's the reason why you decided to get attracted to someone. I badly wish that I was her. I am not the kind who loses feelings in just a few months. I will never be like that. I will be crushed inside for years and you won't know about it. My love for you was and still is genuine and long lasting and it's just sad to know that when you said yours is like this, you weren't telling the truth. To wrap this up, I, I just want you to be happy. Even if it's not with me anymore. Even if it's gonna kill me eventually. I am beyond repair anyways. I won't be here for long. Adieu, mon cheri.

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

I may not have the skills of an artist to draw your beautiful face, but I have the ability to utilize words to describe how perfect you are to me.

April 1, 2016 ; 2:51pm

[northern-proper]

One of the hardest things you will ever have to do my dear is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

My father’s advice #1 (via northern-proper)

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

I touched your skin and you touched my life. I looked into your eyes and you stared into my soul.

more ungodly hour thoughts

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

He is my salvation, while I am his damnation.

more ungodly hour thoughts

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

Bring Me The Horizon - Follow You (Official Video)

Taken from the album That's The Spirit, out now. Available now in physical order from the Official Store http://smarturl.it/ThatsTheSpirit // iTunes http://s...

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

I want you to hug me while I bleed myself to death. I want you to kiss my lips while I lose my ability to breathe. I want you to hold my hand while I watch my heart lose its ability to beat.

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

She straightens her hair, puts on her eyeliner, glosses her lips and takes one last look on the mirror, all for the boy who will never care.

Frank Ocean

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

How to live life?

           I’ve been told to live my life just recently. If you’re going to look at it, the question’s pretty easy right? But if you really try to think about it, how does one really live his life? I don’t know. You don’t know. We don’t know. Nobody knows.

                           No amount of search engines in the internet can help you on how to live your life. No amount of books can really teach you on how to live your life. No amount of teachers can tell you on how to live your life. Why? Because, only you can answer it all to yourself. You’ll have to find the answers yourself. Don’t worry. Don’t feel bad if you’re taking so long. One day, you’re going to find the answer, if you’re lucky enough. To be honest, a lot of us died never finding it. In a more accurate sense, they never did try to find it. Don’t be like that. Find your purpose. Find your passion. Carpe diem. Find the answers.

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

I can see that you're broken but, let me love you anyway.

Words I want to hear right now

[hiddensyndicate]

My one and only love

She is my last bastion of hope my sanctuary she brings me happiness and joy without her my heart is dust and empty dried up from the sand she is the oasis in the desert that fills my heart right back up she controls my feelings of love and my heart belongs to her

She talks in riddles and plays around with me a lot she teases me and my heart and plays games with it but she always means what she says even while playing with it and its multitude of emotions

She gives me the power of love that takes away the darkness and the stone. She makes my heart of stone back into a heart of flesh she gives me so much love that I don’t even deserve but my heart and I will always treasure her still.

She is the embodiment of beauty in my eyes she blooms lime a tulip very pretty and kind she may think otherwise but to me she is the most beautiful thing I have set my eye’s on yet.

She helps me so much with my life she gives me advice and support through the rough times she gives me a reason to go on and the times I can’t talk to her bring sorrow and pain in my heart.

I love her so much she is my one true love I feel like she is the godsend of God she is the love of my life and Now that I have found her my quest is complete and now I can sit down and think about the future the future I am going to have with her

We are going to have long kisses, long hugs, three beautiful kids and live old together but lastly we are going to have that wedding on the beach with an anime/zombie cake baked by my love and when I say my vows and I do I will mean it she is my treasure she is my life she is my love I thank you for being with me and let’s make this future a reality

To:Gillie Bean

[dyingtulipsinsummer]

I hope you can touch me the way this morning breeze passes through my skin.