The Space Ship

Welcome to the Spaceship! this is a hobby blog where I'll talk about things I'm interested in or researching, as well as vent about my graduate school life.

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I always love learning a new game, whether it's a trading card game, and new ttrpg, or anything I can take time and sink my teeth into. I've actually picked up two new card games that I absolutely adore (might be hyper fixation, but eh); the first one I picked up with a buddy of mine was the Flesh and Blood and Digimon card games, which are just absolutely nuts, Just sitting around a table and talking shit. Aside from learning new games, it really challenges the way I think. As I learned more about the game, I started to notice myself piecing things together differently and understanding things through the game's rules. At the same time, im at the table, and when I leave the table, I take that perspective with me. I honestly have to attribute so much of my interests and abilities to the lessons I learned from playing so many games growing up. I genuinely think that I am a better person because of this.

As I have stated before, I believe there is something to learn from all experiences, and it just takes the right person to understand what there is to see. While this is a short rant about my love for games, I want to convey the message that there is a whole world of ideas and that the world is a great teacher. So try to go out and explore and learn something new today, tomorrow, and every day.

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Alright, we're going to get back to blogging. I had to take some time off for my own health, more specifically, my mental health. I also had to reevaluate my goals and what I wanted to do with my writing and other hobbies. I realized I needed to do this for myself, and anything else that comes from it is secondary; that said, I still want to find myself in a space where I can grow an audience and learn from them. So, I will return to regular posting and attempt to develop a page. As it stands, I believe I have 0 followers, and most of my essays get lost in the endless void of shit, and there is something beautiful and empowering in that fact. I don't want to come off as overly nihilistic and jaded, but as intoxicating as results and praises are, I find the most joy in doing something like writing or photography, not the notoriety that ( never) comes from partaking in the arts. I need to understand that art lasts forever and that the high from notifications and results is fleeting at best and addictive and maddening at worst. I must put away the lofty dreams of writing for fortune and becoming a famous critic or writing an article for a syndicated hobby blog and creating for the sake of creation. It may sound cliché and overused, but I am choosing to do something for me for my sake.

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Today marks one week into the new year, and the new year also leads me into a new chapter of my life as both a person and a young professional. Within this new chapter of my life, I found an opportunity to explore my hobbies, not as a form of stress management or relief but as a person who actually has time to enjoy things, which in reality, is probably a healthier alternative than stressing out about stress relief.  One experience I would like to share that may or may not have prompted me to weird this article in the first place was opening destiny 2 for the first time in  what was probably two-ish months. I decided to hop on to the game with a close friend because we both had free time. I was instantly met with a blast of not only nostalgia but euphoria. I could relax for the first time in a long time, not think about school work or responsibilities but just let go and enjoy something.  I remembered what drew me into new experiences and how I felt when learning about who I was. So on top of writing about things I enjoy and new and old hobbies i wanted to explore my psyche and become the best version of myself. This leads me to return to this digital journal I attempted to keep. I plan to keep most of the posts on this page exploring media and community. I will occasionally write a more exploratory piece. I also want to get back into consistently posting, becoming a part of a larger community, and meeting new people. 

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Season of the Haunted Retrospective

The season of the haunted has ended, and I wanted to give my thoughts on it before we enter the age of Arc 3.0. This was my first season change since I started playing Destiny 2 again, and I have to say that I felt it was a little bit overhyped. I know this isn't exactly the hottest take in the world; however, the season felt like a fruitless grind. Starting with the seasonal armor set, which in my opinion, was just mediocre at best, and I felt that it wasn't worth the hours to get. I get that Bungie was going for the black metal aesthetic, which some people like. However, I feel that the execution felt haphazard at best the warlock armor, for instance, just seemed like the stereotypical metal look and nothing deeper or nuances to it. Growing up (and still to this day), I loved alternative culture and aesthetics, so when I heard that Bungie was making the seasonal armor inspired by the metal aesthetic, I thought that would be really cool, and then I saw it. I really liked it. I waited till the last minute and saw it in the game to decide my opinions on it.

I just can not bring myself to like it. The design feels forced as hell and like it does not pay respect to the culture it's pulling from, Moving on to the seasonal activity, the nightmare contaminants emphasize the nightmare. I had to, like everyone else, complete this an ungodly amount of times and kill the same bosses probably 90ish times. I couldn't be bothered to complete the seasonal challenge for doing it one hundred and fifty times. Frankly, I found the activity repetitive as hell; I had to halt my seasonal story progress several times because I could not bring myself to run through the containment activity two or three more times. I not only had to halt my in-game progress but there were times when I stopped playing together. I could not stand running through what felt like the longest battle arena I have ever taken part in. The only thing that made it bearable was my gaming buddy and the promise of some loot. The loot was okay at best, but it led to more grinding to get it to the optimal rolls and stats. The weapons had some exciting perks. I was a fan f the incandescent perk; in theory, it's really cool, but my class couldn't quite do much with it; but more on that later. The weapons were an absolute hell of their own class to track down, and if you were trying to craft them, you would need each of them five times with a specific trait. This process could take minutes, hours, or days because all the weapons would be gained from a random loot box; the loot box would give you a key to another random loot box that might give you the gun you were looking for.  Then there was solar 3.0, which was a mess for warlocks; frankly, it turned them into half-ass support and middle-tier healers. I hope we will see more aspects that can round off the classes play style. Either heavier into healing or damage and support. Warlocks can make some use of the new debuff, but it was so half-assed compared to how well they could use the devour debuff. In the season of the witch queen, having a strong devour build as a warlock could carry you through the entire season, and some low to middle-rank PVP encounters, actually running gambit with devour was amazing in gambit matches during witch queen, vi genuinely still run my void build as much as I can because of how strong it is once I  proc devour. And I wish I could say the same thing about ignite, but it's just not there for the warlock class, in my opinion. I have to say that the season's highlight was the solstice even, and I regret not playing it more to get the triple one hundred armor pieces, but what can you do? I'll have to grab it next year. While the solstice was grindy,  it wasn't as bad as the containment event. I feel it was because it was a match-made event instead of a public-instanced event. So hypothetically, you could grab a group of friends and just burn through them and plan and strategize effectively to maximize your and your team's success. Still, it could be a highly engaging experience for everyone involved. Switching from the challenge to the event card model was a welcomed change to how they handle event quests. The three weeks that the solstice was live were probably the most fun I had in the entire season. While some fans say that solar 3.0 will go down in history as better than it was once we get some more solar aspects, of course, that is so far in the future that I can not begin to predict how that will play out.

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Gaming as a Space of Actualization

As I have been recovering from oral surgery, I have had quite a lot of downtime. I have been using that downtime to recover and rest, which ends up with me playing a lot of videogames and listening to podcasts incessantly. This led me to reflect on my different experiences playing single-player and multiplayer games. Understanding why people play games is quintessential to making games.  Following the theory by Richard Bartle that aims to taxonomize different types of gamers and sum up how and why they play the games the way they do. There are four categories that Bartle places players into when they play games. The four categories are The Socialiser, The Achiever, The Killer, and The Explorer. I fall into the socializer category, and I find the most enjoyment in talking about games that I am playing with my friends or just playing games with people, such as multiplayer games like Destiny 2 or World Of Warcraft in my younger years. As I have spent time learning more about myself, I found what draws me to a virtual experience is the ability to connect with new people and forge more meaningful bonds with my friends. This leads me to my first point about my journey of self-actualization.

I learned early on in my life; that I am an extrovert; I love being with people and connecting with them on a social and personal level. I feel joy when I see my friends blossom and achieve the things they work for. When I get to be with the people I care about, all is right in the world. This leads me back to the social gaming experience; I find my most enjoyable gaming moments when my friends and I take down the boss, and the communication is on point. It puts me in such a euphoric state that it allows me to feel not only wholly connected to the people I am with. For lack of a better term, I feel connected to the mythological oversoul many past poets have dreamt about. I am one with the universe and one with my brothers and sisters of the human race. I understand that this may sound crazy, but this is how I connect with the world and its people; gaming has been such a powerful experience for me. I hope that everyone gets to find something that lets them connect with the world in the way I feel connected when to it when I get into the zone. The magic I am attempting to articulate in this piece that I may not have the words to do properly comes from years of gaming being an escape from the world I didn't know how to process; I used to dream of my characters protecting me as I was getting viciously attacked by the people around me, I learned to be strong through them, I learned to stand up for myself by imagining myself as Thelam The King Slayer, he would be how I would cope with what I later discovered to be Anxiety and Depression. Thelam could get up and do the right thing and slay the dragon that got in his way and so could I because I was Thelam. I was the man who I dreamt of being at the end of the day before my love of music and poetry and coffee and learning. I had a love of people, and multiplayer games were the medium that fulfilled my need to be with people and be unapologetically me.  I never understood how much a simple collection of code and pixels was so powerful to me until I took the time to reflect on who I am and want to be.  

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I’m back

So long story short, I have been going through hell, for lack of a better term; I will have a post explaining in more in-depth when I’m ready to post that. But I will be developing a new content schedule that hopefully will be better suited to people finding me and letting me have the outlet I need to feel better about my life struggles and interests; thank you for the patients now. much love -otter

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shopping mall culture

The American shopping mall is a dying concept, as many people turn to online marketplaces such as Amazon, eBay, and Etsy. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing for the economy or culture. I can say that the days of casually going to the mall and hanging out with friends are declining. Newspapers and magazines such as The Washington Post, Time,  and slate have all reported on this fact. Many anchor retailers have shut their doors in the past few years. The shopping mall decline was already happening precovid, and mid/post covid (depending on how you view it), and it has only gotten worse. I am not an expert on economy and retail, so I will refrain from speaking on those points. I can say that I have noticed a cultural shift away from social gatherings at the mall. In the eighties, nineties, and early thousands, going to the mall was romanticized by television shows and movies. People would hang out at the food court and window-shop and buy goods from various stores. I went to the mall to pick up some father’s day gifts, and I noticed how few people were there and the stores that seemed to stay in business for more than ten years. They were all high-end designer brands, which led me to a conversation with my sister about the future of the American shopping mall. We both speculate (mind you, this is loose speculation at best) that there is a chance that malls will stay around for a while. Still, they will become where high-end brands  (such as Gucci, Louis Vuitton, etc.) will potentially keep stores open, and experience-focused businesses (i.e., escape rooms, selfie studios, and VR cades) will be there to attract the odd tourist or younger child. The mall will not remain a destination for people traveling or looking to hang out with friends. Which, on some level, is both saddening and exciting. It is saddening due to the everchanging consumer culture in America, always looking for the next new thing with the least amount of time and money, which leads people to turn away from local and even in-person shopping. It is, however, exciting to see technology and culture change in my everyday life. I do not aim to persuade or change your opinions on this matter but to explain my observations and findings. 

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Grad School Anxiety

As I prepare for my upcoming semester and start collecting works for my thesis about memes, I have noticed how my colleagues behave toward their various projects. Sometimes I compare it to my thoughts and feelings about the upcoming work, and I wonder if I am cut out for the type of work I want to do.  Understandably impostor syndrome is a real thing among graduate students, and maybe that's what I am feeling right now.  It’s a scary place to sit and wonder if you can get an assignment done correctly or if you understand the topic or deserve to be in the spot you’re in. while everyone’s journey is different. Everyone has different experiences; some experiences are shared across communities. I wanted to share how I overcome these feelings when they come up. One thing I want to say before I get too deep into this is that you are valid, and you’re struggles are real. Wherever you are in your studies or work, you are allowed to struggle. I like to look back at what my students have said about me in the past, the work I have completed, and the things I have chosen to research. While this is not a perfect solution, it helps me a lot; I also like to push off work, which is stressing me out for a few hours, and return to it. These are just a few strategies I use to help myself when I’m having a hard time. There are so many, and I strongly encourage you to do whatever works; At the same time, this is a personal experience; I hope it inspires other students to take their feelings seriously and work out what they can do to make themselves feel better when they need to. It is imperative to understand that it is okay to not be okay at any given time. I wish you all well in the next semester, or whatever the next significant chapter of your work life is. 

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Sometimes we get to wrapped up in events

We focus on all the things that prevent 

Out progression and peace of mind

It’s as if we walk around half-blind 

Sometimes we mistake anger for clarity

We live life as a constant parody

We only see things that bring us strife 

Carrying the sharp end of the knife

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Usually, I hate starting new characters in games. I hate the first-level grind; it makes my skin crawl, and I refuse to buy power-ups for real money, but thats another conversation entirely. When I make a new character, my favorite thing is to research and create unique builds for them, hunt down items, do missions, and play high-level content differently that feels fresh and enjoyable. Not to overhype destiny, but it is quickly becoming my favorite MMO. I think I have fallen in love with the game between exciting mechanics and exciting stories and characters. I wrote this piece because I made my third character in the game and had fun doing the first mission, which was a new feeling. Every time I play the game, it’s a wholly unique experience. Each time I play, I learn the new mechanics of my character and relive a genuinely enjoyable encounter with a particular boss or story event. I think that is the big draw to destiny for me; the content never feels stale comparing it to when I played world of warcraft, starting a new character and replaying the same kill 15 or 25 of x after the sixth time while trying to learn a new class or character’s skill rotation felt like a drag. I would only want to play my highest level character, which was backline support. I was never really able to branch past that role, whereas the content always feels fresh in destiny. If I ever dont want to do my main quest, which happens semi-frequently, I just pop over to a new activity or a different story. This turned out to be more of a hype post than I wanted. Still, I genuinely do like the early game aspects of destiny, and I think that thats a good sign for the gameplay, thank you for reading my dumb nerdy ramblings I hope you have a wonderful day.  

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God country is an exceptional limited series of comics that you can buy as one collected volume (with some extra content included) Written by veteran comic book writer Donny Cates, illustrated by Geoff Shaw, colored by Jason Wordie, and published by Image. The series tells the story of Emmet Quinlin and his family. While the story focuses on Emmet, it opens when his son goes to check on him and tries to help. The main character sufferers from dementia and needs his son’s help; however, as Emmet’s dementia worsens, it takes a toll on the Quinlin family. I found this series at a pivotal time when one of my family members was suffering from dementia, and the parallels I was seeing in my own family and the Quinlin family were frankly terrifying. This is when Emmet stumbles upon Valofax, a divine weapon known as the god of swords. When Emmet holds the sword, he not only gains the skill of every swordsman who has ever lived, his dementia symptoms vanish. He remembers who he is and who his family is. Some of the major themes in this series are loss, how disease affects families and family's meaning. The series is incredibly emotional without giving too much away, which I found to be a major hook within the series. The highs are high, and the lows are low. The finale is an epic battle between good and evil, between a man and the force trying to take him away from his family.  At times the series is harrowing and, at times, hopeful. 

Beyond the plot, there is genuinely amazing art. Shaw and Wordie did a fantastic job with details and shading. The art was heavily inspired by modernist works such as American Gothic;. I do not study art, but the color and art style helped define the series and make it stand out from other comics that I have read. 

I would highly recommend reading God Country if you are interested; it is genuinely a great experience. 

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I believe I have talked about the fact that i build custom mechanical keyboards on this page, if I haven’t I build custom mechanical keyboards. Right now I have three that I switch between pretty regularly my Akko 3068b with Bobagum silent linears that I use for school, my bakeneko65 with Anubis tactiles, and my newest piece the scarlet tkl with Nolive linears. I think one of the main draws for me other than the completely custom nature of the hobby is the fact that after im done I have a frankly beautiful tool that functions and acts exactly how I want, which makes using it so much better. I’ve been using mechanical keyboards since I really got into pc gaming because at first I really noticed a difference in how I felt using them. Now I use them to write my papers for school my posts here and do basically anything on my computer. I have to say that since I started building and customizing my keyboards my workflow has been insane, simply because I have a tool im excited to be using. Writing my papers, responding to student emails, and typing, in general, don't feel like such a chore to me anymore. I have also pretty much gotten my whole family into custom keyboards as well and they say the same things as i do. I haven't even talked about how good you can make a keyboard sound or look yet. Every combination of switch keyboard and key cap will have a different sound profile you can go for high or low pitch sounds or somewhere in the middle, this adds a nice element of sensory input every time you go to type something (which some people compare to ASMR). Finally, this wouldn't be complete without talking about the fact that custom keyboards can be gorgeous, and can really change the dynamic of your workspace. There are many forms of visual self-expression, for me having a nice keyboard as the centerpiece of my desk really makes my workspace feel more lively and more mine. Since I have gotten into the custom keyboard hobby I have never felt better about the work I do and my workspaces in general offices whether a home or in designated spaces used to drain the life out of me now I kind of like sitting down and grinding out work.

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Me Neither

Do you ever wake up more tired than when you fell asleep?

No? Me neither 

Do you ever feel guilty taking care of yourself?

No? Me neither 

Do you ever find yourself floating through your day and then realize you didn't do anything of 

value? 

No? Me neither 

Do you ever go to therapy and forget what to say?

No? Me neither

Do you ever realize your own self-destructive nature? 

No? Me Neither.     

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A Collector’s Heart

I recently got into collecting records after a close friend got me a record player for my birthday, which had just passed at the time of writing. I do want to say that I have been looking at getting a record player since 2013 but never really had the funds or time to find one that I thought would be an excellent intro to the hobby. My friend got me an Ion Luxe record player that not only plays records but also connects to my phone, which is a big up for me since I only have two records. I have recently been more into collection-based hobbies between crazy socks, mechanical keyboards, and records. I am learning to appreciate aesthetics and the quality of an item more. I find it intriguing to watch my collection grow in size and appreciate in value. That is one of the main reasons I am attracted to hobbies that let me grow and collect and watch my tastes change over time. I also enjoy learning how to make my setups better and things I can do to make it a more personal experience.  Connecting myself with other hobbyists is also super rewarding for me. This helps to create an experience that feels not only fulfilling and exciting but also strangely helps me track my growth as a person.  I have always had a collector’s heart, but I never really had the focus or mindset to enjoy it. When I was younger, I needed that instant gratification, so if it meant spending my whole allowance every week to get the next part of my collection and doing nothing else with it, then that’s what I would do. Now that I am older, I understand that I don’t need every album, keyboard, or card in the game to enjoy something. I can just get the pieces I like or need for my collection and keep them as personal pieces for me and my enjoyment. In a way, this lesson has been liberating for both my mental health and my wallet. 

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A Short Reprieve

I don't want to exist not in a suicidal way

I want to be alive but not be perceived

if I could live in my own bubble where no one noticed or cared just for a day

I don't want to interact with reality or be grieved

I just want to live in a place where no one cares or worries or thinks about me 

I love life and that is key 

Just a break from existing and being whelmed would be okay

I’m not sad, I’m not mad I just need a break 

Overworked underpaid never resting I just want a moment in a mystic where I will lie half awake.

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getting shit done (Part One)

Does anyone else stare at a blank page when they are trying to write something, whether for school or their enjoyment? I know I have had moments when im trying to write something where all I can do is stare at the white space and feel overwhelmed both with all the things I could write on that page and all the things I haven't written on that page. Over winter break last year, I read a fascinating book on the subject of writer's block, and one of the main points of the book was that sometimes you just have to start writing to write; as obvious as that sounds, it can also be incredibly intimidating. Using one of my favorite keyboards in my collection doesn't make the words spill out of my head.  Sometimes it's just a trick to put together content and create a coherent point that I hope people will enjoy. Part of me knows that I should just write for my own sake to answer my questions, but I also want to put out something that others will find helpful. That has always been a big driver for me; knowing that I can put out something that someone may find beneficial makes it hard to write when I lack the inspiration to do so. One strategy I have found to be helpful is to create a deadline for myself and act within that guideline. I found this strategy in a book called The Deadline Effect by Christopher Cox, where the author makes a case for the strategy he uses to write the book.  Where he not only explains his methods but he examines businesses that use similar strategies and tracks their successes and failures. Having a deadline, while it can be stressful, can also be helpful for people who need some sort of external motivation to start and finish projects.  Sometimes having external factors such as deadlines can be a positive force if you understand how to use them. The other big takeaway from this experience is that there isn't one way to work effectively; everyone needs something different to motivate them to create something they are proud of and get meaningful results. This is just something I felt the need to share about how I work, but it is not the one true way to work. I advocate for anyone to do whatever they need to get their projects done. 

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Don't be a dick online

As some of you may know, the new destiny season started a few days ago, and with the new season comes the new seasonal challenges. One of which is to run a co-op four-person versus four-person game mode called Gambit. Both teams have to deposit motes into a central bank area to summon a boss called a primeval and then ultimately defeat it. There are some more intricacies therein, but for this discussion thats, all that needs to be understood about this game mode. It’s also important to know that each player in every season gets a list of challenges designed to give seasonal experience to attain boosts and gear and emotes through their season pass ranking. One of the seasonal challenges for the new season is to complete a certain amount of gambit matches.  So I go to queue for some gambit matches and think nothing of it much as I usually do.

I got paired with the worst teammates I have ever had for the five games I played today. You can probably see where I plan on going with this. Were going to be discussing why it’s crucial to be a team player in online games. Naturally, everyone has a story about them or someone they know joining an online game and being met with abuse, negativity, or all-around toxicity.  I feel this comes from the sense of anonymity that comes from doing anything behind a screen name. I think it is imperative for the online community to understand that the internet is not a genuinely anonymous place and that there is always someone on the other side of your screen. This being said, the destiny community is relatively pleasant. I haven't had many negative experiences outside of new/younger players not fully understanding the game's mechanics, which is fine; however online game lobbies are renowned for their toxicity. This toxicity makes the space uncomfortable for many people, making the hobby less accessible for new or younger people trying to find an outlet for themselves and a new group of people to spend time with and enjoy themselves with.  Toxicity is a pervasive culture in the online gaming space. It pushes people away from the hobby that would otherwise be potentially creating content, creating new games, or just generally enjoyable to have on your team as someone who just happens to get put into a lobby with them. I feel that this post is super important to write as we all become more connected through our hobbies. Dont be shitty; I understand that it’s a platitude but remember my two thoughts from earlier in the post one, there is someone on the other side of your screen; it's not just you screaming into a void that can respond. Everyone you meet online in a game lobby is a real person with real-life and real troubles, and ultimately you are never really anonymous. When you’re online, someone with the time and basic googling abilities could realistically find out who you are. This isn't baseless speculation either there are countless stories about players being doxxed, swatted, and hacked because they pissed someone who knew a little too much or had a little too much free time on their hands.  The moral of this story is just to be good to each other in online spaces and treat people with humanity