Our Neurodivergent Love Story

Gracie - 27 she/her Autism | Jaime - 27 he/him ADHD We're talking about our experiences as two neurodivergent people in a relationship. We're married, we're nerds, we love to overanalyze relationships!

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

Hello, we're Gracie and Jaime! We've been a couple for almost a decade and we're neurodivergent! We don't see a lot of helpful content about neurodivergent dating or relationships so here we go, creating some.

Gracie is Autistic, she is driven, inventive, loves puzzles, tea, and makes nerdy jokes.

Jaime has ADHD, he is compassionate, a math enthusiast, and makes fantastic waffles.

We'll be sharing our story, tips, and hopefully having some good discussions. We're not doctors or experts, everything we say is based on our own experiences.

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

Story time: Our usual grocery store is out of the noodles we wanted for a recipe we planned to cook. No problem, we're going to Petco tomorrow because it's our dog's birthday and another grocery store is right next to it. We'll get the noodles there! The next day the dogs have a great time at Petco and we shop at the store. We get home, put away the groceries, feeling great, feeling productive. I start cleaning the kitchen counter and see the recipe we're planning to make for dinner there. I realize we forgot to even look for the noodles! This is now a PSA for neurodivergent people: write down the plan, reference the plan or else you'll do 3 trips to 3 different stores for 1 dinner.

[internetgreatesthits]

[queer-cosette]

'dating rules' are so fucking stupid btw. "don't talk too much about your hyperfixation on a first date, it'll scare them off!!" it'll only scare them off if they're a coward. Someone worthy of my affections will listen to me talk about my goal of visiting every whale exhibit with a life-sized effigy of a whale in it in the world for a solid half-hour and come away from that experience desiring me carnally.

[queer-cosette]

One time I went on a date with a guy who stared at me with raised eyebrows while I told him about my plan to go to ComicCon as Daphne Blake, and then he scoffed and said it was weird for me to be so into Scooby Doo at the age of 19. Last year I told my boyfriend (before he was my boyfriend) that next time I got ComicCon tickets I wanted to go as Rapunzel, and he gasped and said "NO WAY I WANTED TO GO AS FLYNN RIDER". So, like, not only is talking about your hyperfixations on an early date a good way to learn quickly if someone is going to treat your whole personality with respect or not, you might also find a kindred spirit.

[queer-cosette]

This doesn't just apply to dating btw. Any platonic acquaintance who acts like you're cringe for having a lot of enthusiasm about something is not someone you want in your life. The people who matter will do things that you want to do with you because they love you and like when you are happy. Case in point I could not have paid my high school official-best-friend to spend four and a half hours in London's Natural History Museum taking photos in the whale gallery but my adulthood best friend agreed in a heartbeat despite knowing the bare minimum about whales.

So yeah. Be openly enthusiastic about the things you love and the right people will love you for it.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Happy Autism Awareness Month

[midnightssea]

I know this has been done before but I’m trying to see something

how old were you when you had your first kiss* **

under 12

12 to 13

14 to 15

15 to 16

17 to 18

19 to 20

21 to 25

26 to 30

over 30

haven’t kissed anyone

Voting ended onMar 29, 2025

*define “first kiss” as you wish, but if you need a definition I mean kissing someone else on the mouth with mutual romantic undertones

**if you make fun of anyone or any group of people for their answer to this poll I will block you

[secondlina]

New Crow Time 🐦‍⬛🦊🌟

[demoniqt]

Awwww 🥰

[kissafterclosing]

but I’m here because one day I hope to come home to my cute little house with my cute little collections and my cute little (absolutely massive) heart full of affection for my equally nerdy partner/homie who thinks I am very cool but anyways I also want a very nice organized fridge and maybe we could like share it

[maculategiraffe]

one thing I really like about my relationship with my boyfriend is that we can express negative feelings about each other's actions without assigning blame or requiring apology. I mean like for morally neutral things like "it drives me crazy when you leave a wet towel on the floor instead of hanging it up"

cause now like instead of "oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to drive you crazy, I'm terrible and unsocialized" or "um well that's dumb, who cares" it's like

"it does? I didn't know that. how come?"

"because it will mildew and I keep tripping over it and I don't know whether you intend to reuse that towel or whether it needs to go in the wash"

"okay so usually if I intend to reuse it I hang it up, and if it needs to go in the wash I drop it on the floor. I guess because I thought I shouldn't put it in the hamper because it would get all the other dirty clothes wet and then THEY might mildew before we do the laundry."

"that's valid. what if we have a specific place to hang wet towels that need to be washed? how about this one hook here"

"perfect!"

no hurt feelings, nobody being made to feel shitty and sloppy on one hand or uptight and bitchy in the other hand. just, we're partners right? let's workshop this

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

'Let's workshop this' is a great mindset!

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

Myth Busting Neurotypical Advice:

"If he wanted to he would" - Not if he has ADHD!

Early in our relationship I'd get frustrated with my partner because Jaime was not consistently doing something I asked him to like put the recycling in the bin instead of leaving it on the counter or planning activities for us to do together. I knew he wasn't trying to irritate me so I did some research and that's how we found out he has ADHD!

The best way I can describe it is with a Doctor Who reference, everything has a perception filter until he's directly interacting with it. The best ways to get him to accomplish anything are instant gratification and habit. Jaime would tell me he wants to keep up with chores and do things to support me, but he often wouldn't know where to start and get distracted. At first I felt terrible having to remind him every day to do regular maintenance tasks but he assured me it was helpful. After a while he formed habits, we automated reminders, and it got easier on both of us.

I grew up in a very autistic household so I was used to maintenance routines and everything having a place. Merging lives with a totally different kind of neurodivergence meant I had to do a lot of creative problem solving. It was worth it to reach the partnership we have now. We both want to contribute to each other's happiness, and to be effective we have to collaborate.

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

Love is always saying, "I'm turning on the lights now, close your eyes" and waiting for a response before turning on lights at home

[gingeremo]

Someone out there will love you for your weird, goofy, silly and odd self.

[slavicafire]

being in a long-term committed loving relationship with a neurodivergent person, as someone very much neurotypical, has been a beautiful exercise in both humility and communication

[slavicafire]

I am high maintenance and I am demanding, and I do expect A Lot from my partner. but for a very long time I lived in this realm of half-coded half-messages, cryptic signals and unvoiced expectations, a spiderweb-like system of relations and emotions - a realm of my own creation - where I'd feel upset and abandoned if those needs were not correctly guessed, anticipated, decoded or fulfilled. and usually that'd only result in my alienating myself and hurting myself even more than it hurt others.

with my partner now I know that those Messages and Codes and Expectations have to be explained, sometimes twice, and in great detail, ideally with examples and data to back them up - initially even called out as they happen - and only after that is done I can reattach this value and emotion to them. if my partner misses those then, I have a right to be a upset. but they're not obvious or set as default, and not knowing them intrinsically isn't my partner's way of being purposefully hurtful.

sometimes I will tell my partner something and they won't have much of a reaction. and I learned that all it takes is just giving more explanation: what I'm saying now to you means that I am upset, the words and tone are both there to tell you that I'm upset, I'm upset because of XYZ, and I would like you to react, preferably by being there for me/hugging me/listening to me.

I used to think that was ridiculous. that it was debasing, that it was humiliating, that it was me begging to be acknowledged, begging to be loved. but in this case it isn't - I only had to do it twice, maybe three times in different situations, and since then they've learned my Messages and my Codes and my Meanings. and they love me so they do their best to follow them and act on them - and ask for guidance if they're not sure. and that's love, that's what love is to me.

[slavicafire]

and the other way around - oftentimes it had to be me asking for clarification. it had to be me going "what you're saying now, your wording and your tone do not match your facial expressions and body language. what you're saying is positive but your face and body tell me you're angry and distressed" - and my partner would usually just tell me, oops, you can disregard my facial expressions because I actually didn't even know I was making them, I am actually very happy and calm now" or sometimes "what might seem like distressed to you is actually the way my body behaves when I'm just focused on explaining something to you, it's not negative, I'm actually having a great time".

sometimes it had to be me going "I really hoped you'd like this [activity/place/movie/whatever] but to me you seem bored and disinterested, can you please confirm whether you're enjoying this or if you'd prefer we do something else?" and sure, sometimes it would be "yeah I'm not that into this, sorry" but much more often it would be "I really like this but there's this one detail/smell/sensation that gets in the way of me fully enjoying it" or actually "oh no I really like this, in fact I like this to the extent where I focus mostly on it and not on acting outwards with the intention of showing I like it"

and I've learned. even when those are things that go directly against all the Codes I learned for neurotypical people in my life, I now know better. it was embarrassing and sometimes frustrating to ask and to need an explanation, but it worked so well. and that's love. again, that's love.

[closet-keys]

Underrated form of intimacy: being silly together

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

How we maintain our silliness:

Fun debates!

Wearing matching shoes

Watching silly shows together - any Taskmaster fans out there?

Cosplay - Gracie loves costumes!

Weed :)

Talking to our dogs - they are our family and have big personalities

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

As someone with ADHD, I am prone to forget about something that isn't immediately in front of me. This can be an issue in many aspects of life, including things I genuinely care very much about. One easy example is this blog, I know it exists, and I will happily talk about it if brought up, but rarely does the blog occur to me unprompted. 

Gracie and I talk about posts together when she has thoughts, but our approach to discussing these topics differs. She is so organized and diligent about approaching everything in life with purpose and tact. When I am excited or engaged, motivation naturally follows. The unfortunate wrinkle is I do not always get a say when I remember or get excited about a topic. Just being aware of this is only the first step.

We talked about it and came up with ideas to try so we can better collaborate on posts. It can take the form of utilizing voice to text on my phone, or creating a shared document we can both edit and see when the other has made comments. Writing has always been difficult because I think faster than I can type or write, and talking helps to focus the noise.

This is one of the many reasons a neurodivergent relationship often requires creative or unique solutions. There are some ways we can’t fundamentally change our brains, even if we would like to. But that doesn’t mean a person has to accept a situation full stop. Our brains are unique, and we should use their strengths to supplement our shortcomings and those of the people we love.

[dynamic-disordered-duo]

We're going on a movie date this weekend! We're going to see The Wild Robot!

[incognitopolls]

What general category of neurodivergence do you fall into?

Genetic disorders (Downs, Prader-Willi, FSX, etc)

Neurodevelopmental disorders (ADHD, Autism, etc)

Specific learning disabilities (Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, etc)

Disease based conditions (Parkinson's, Dementia, Epilepsy, etc)

General motor disabilities (Dyspraxia, SMD, Tic disorders, etc)

Mental illness (Schizophrenia, OCD, Bipolar, Depression, etc)

Acquired conditions (FASD, Brain Injury, Premature Birth, etc)

Other(s) not listed here

Multiple categories

I am completely neurotypical as far as I'm aware

Voting ended onOct 4, 2024

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