Dysfunctional Family Problems

If you don't understand the title, you should go to your room and think about what you did. This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you. I love you and I hope you know that. ____________________________________________________________

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What's Eating You?

Your parents thought preventing childhood obesity meant starving the dog, harnessing you to a pole, and strapping raw steaks to your back for 10-15 minutes a day. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Cradle To The Grave

Your family did community service at the local nursing home because the funeral invites were really the only vacations you all ever went on.#dysfuncfamproblems

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Condoms

You thought your name was “an accident” until you were twelve years old. #dysfuncfamproblems

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The Neverending Farce

When you approached your dad to ask if he went to Narnia when he was “in the closet” like mom said, he said yes, and that only the talking goat could “satisfy his needs.”

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Assholes in the Outfield

(submission)

At the end of the little league season, your parents convinced all the other parents that it would only make sense if the team watched them burn the second place trophies. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Let The One Without Sin Take The First Double-Shot

When your little brother spat back into the chalice during communion, saying that “real men” only drank Black Label, your father did nothing but grin and pat him on the back. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Bathroom Politics

The only reason you've ever fallen asleep on the toilet is because your parents installed a lock that could only be opened from the outside. #dysfuncfamproblems

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"In Middle America, TV Watches You!"

At one point during your childhood there were nannycams in most household objects even though you've never had a nanny. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Blood-Letting

Your parents crossed out "dependent" on their tax forms and listed you as a "unsustainable useless money leech" instead. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Leggo My Ego

Your mother bought a waffle iron just to burn the grid into your father's clothes whenever she occasionally accused him of infidelity. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Speak Softly, Carry A Large Piece of Lead

Post-traumatic-stress-disorder united with passive-aggressiveness when your mother bought lead paint to try to poison the family. #dysfuncfamproblems

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To Get To The Other Side...

Your parents refused to let you hold their hands while crossing the street, slowly nodding and telling you that "it was for the best". #dysfuncfamproblems

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Stay Thirsty (for Affection) My Friends

Captain Morgan has always been more of a father figure to you than your biological father ever was. #dysfuncfamproblems

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The Tell-Tale CrawlSpace

The family skeleton isn't hidden in any closet, it's tucked inside the crawl space and goes by the name of "your-mother's-first-husband". #dysfuncfamproblems

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Orel's Nature

Camping trips quickly turned into "hunt or be hunted" trips once your parents had too much to drink. #dysfuncfamproblems

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The "Pill & Page"master

Your local library has always represented new adventures and exciting journeys ever since you were young...primarily because your parents frequently drugged you before your visits. #dysfuncfamproblems

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Neither Snow, nor Rain, nor Heat, probably Gloom

Until you were five you thought the mailman was your father....so did your mother. #dysfuncfamproblems