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@dysphoricnegan
Hi, I’m Ne.gan.
Current body; 28 - He/Him
Spiritual fictionkin with lots of dysphoria and memories. Please feel free to contact me / ask questions / say hello, especially if you’re wa.lking de.ad kin.
Also a practicing pop culture pagan, mostly centered around t.wd. for obvious reasons.
No minors please.
every time I see someone who's like "im too old to be fictionfolk why haven't I aged out of this yet it's been years... it's for kids......." im like. this is why I need to be fictional even louder
im 27 ive identified as fictional since I was around 15 !!! and it hasn't died off. in fact it interacts with my life in so many ways as an adult!!!!! i hate calling myself "older fictionfolk" but when people younger than me talk about aging out of their personal identity im like. no you don't have to!!!!!!!!!!!!! you can be you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to get louder and even more fictional. you can be a grown ass adult and fictionfolk it's awesome narancia jojo with 3 college degrees
Adults can develop fiction-based identities too! I had my fictionkind awakening when I was 21. Almost 7 years later and I'm still going strong.
I was 17 during my awakening, now I'm 28 and more convinced than ever!
Is it a normal fictionkin experience to be a character and to not feel fictional, but feel like the version of you that in the source is fictional and not really you?
The reason I'm hesitant that I'm fictionkin is that treat my source like it's fiction. Like yeah that this stuff probably happened in my past life, but I still draw the fictional version of kintype in contexts of not being a sona or myself.
Also I wish there was word for sona that is like fictional character that, unlike kinsona, is unrelated to alterhumanity, maybe it would clear things up.
I think that's extremely normal, yeah - that's an experience a lot of fictionkin describe, to the point where sometimes people don't even like the word fictionkin because it has the word "fiction" in it. (Which I find a little silly, personally, admittedly - the word isn't saying "you, the person in front of me, are fictional," and I think it's a little bad-faith to interpret it that way.) The idea that you lived a real life somewhere and the fiction of your "source" is just a story that wound up uncannily similar to that life is an extremely common one. And some fictionkin can hold that division so strongly that they don't have any issue with interacting with the fiction as fiction! That's a little less common, just because for a lot of people it's so uncanny valley that it's hard for them to divide it up that strongly, but I've definitely met others who do.
Deities are not on-demand emotional feedback machines
@vesse-moricaleo-lusifero
love elizabeth s.
I think more pagans need to learn to accept the divine mystery of it all, sometimes.
things will not always make perfect logical sense because the divine is not necessarily confined to earthly logic.
not that it isn't worthwhile to speculate and discuss, but more of us need to get comfortable with the idea that there may not always BE an answer - or at least not one we're equipped to understand!
"journeys out of the body" - Robert monroe
Boy howdy that sounds a bit familiar
Its always why did you step into the portal to an unknown dimension/world and never how was the portal to the unknown? Did you have fun? Make any friends? Did you find where you truly belong?
it is interesting to me how "seeing" and "hearing" god is very normal in christianity and several other monotheistic religions. but as soon as you're a pagan, it's delusions and psychosis.
Fuck spiritual/pagan shame.
Go hug that tree and tell it about your problems.
Wear that devotional jewellery and yap about how much you love your gods.
Make your pretty altar and hang up those figures and paintings.
Cast that spell and manifest your goals.
Hex a bitch.
Paganism/pagan religions are literally the OG and yet somehow we have been made to feel like we are the crazy ones.
You aren’t crazy.
You are the blueprint and your beliefs matter as much as anyone else’s and are valid.
I've traveled all up and down the east coast over the years checking off a list of locations just searching for anything, anywhere that resembled where I came from. I know that life was lived in another universe where everything and everyone was different and therefore the places obviously aren't the same... Yet I was so, desperate to find something, a building, anything that I could point to and say "fuck that's the exact house/place I saw in my noemata" but it's never going to happen. I know damn well what I feel and have seen and experienced. I was just hoping I'd be able to find a place to put down this dreadful, crushing longing for a life in a world I'll never be able to get back to except in my dreams. I don't even know why I would want to, that place was horrible. This life is better. And yet...
I wrote what I am calling a "weird" essay about my relationship with being fictional, which is to say, I'm not, the fiction is ME. I use terms like "fictive" and "source" to communicate more effectively and find people with similar experiences, less because I feel like I'm "from" something fictional. And then Khadgar lives somewhere between those two points, seeing himself as needing to wrench himself from the jaws of canon, in his own words. I don't see it, myself, because I don't believe that canon has much to do with me other than curiously reflecting a good portion of my life and getting the names right. It's more folklore or a myth than a retelling, to me.
The essay is a mess and I will need to return to it a few times for editing, but I'll post it either here or on our website when it's done. Most things go directly to our website these days because it's just so much work to edit them for multiple platforms. Formatting is a real bitch. The downside is that it means that almost no one reads them because they have no way to know they exist.
-Medivh
This essay, I'm Not Fictional, the Fiction is Me, is now up on our website. It was also crossposted to the Fictionkind Dreamwidth if anyone who's a member would prefer to read it there. This is also accompanied by a significant update to our website in general, including essays from Mithras, Khadgar, Tanix, Research, Popel, and myself, plus Caleb and Khadgar's poems from the Centaurus Festival. (We have other poems we've written since that we're hanging onto for now since we're debating what we should do with them.)
Anyone can feel free to message us on whatever platform is most convenient if they'd like to talk about anything we've written on our website. We don't crosspost to Tumblr much at this point partially for formatting reasons and partially because Tumblr is just awful for longform discussions. Still, if it's the best platform for you to talk to us on, feel free.
-Medivh
"I don't trust villainkin because I don't get why you see yourself in a bad person" same reasons as my heroic kintypes. Like. Literally the exact same reasons: memories/noemata, shifts, experiencing the emotions of their story "in first person", missing home & the people I cared about, euphoria when being recognized as myself, etc. etc.
It's not about how many traits I currently have that "match" or whatever because fictionkinity is not simply relating to a character, it is not "omg they're just like me fr haha", it is far more nuanced than that.
This part is a little bit of a tangent, but I think it does help get my point across: Sometimes the fact I Am Them is a part of why I don't act like I do in source. As an example: as Dave I was very irony poisoned and that was very uh, Not Good For Me. Now that I have been given this simultaneous external and internal hindsight on that problem I had, I have a very thorough understanding of why it is so important I do not ever fall into that again.
Anyway, I do feel regret about things I have done in my canons (all of them to some degree, not just the villain ones! Because turns out people are complicated.) But there is no point in lingering on it or beating myself up constantly when it is so extremely distant. Who would that help?
"we live in an uncaring universe." sorry the special planet full of beauty and animals and food literally growing out of the ground isnt good enough for you. i guess
“In the same way your heart feels and your mind thinks, you, mortal beings, are the instrument by which the universe cares. If you choose to care, then the universe cares. If you don’t, then it doesn’t.”
~Brennan Lee Mulligan
Sometimes I think about leaving fandom and going back to purely fictionkin/fictive spaces.
So people have asked me why.
At some level, interacting with a character in a kin/fictive way, and interacting with them in a fandom way are fundamentally incompatible.
As I always say, and I mean, to the very core of my being. Characters in fandom are objects, and every fan is allowed to treat them as objects, treat them however they want. They're toys, and fiction, and fandom are a game. Fiction is not reality, and the way people interact with characters doesn't reflect anything about their IRL desires.
It is important, it is fundamental, to protect everyone's right to be wrong about characters, cruel to characters, to make fiction and art where awful things happen to them.
But as a fictionkin/fictive... those characters are real to me. Some of the characters that are most important to me in fandom are important to me because they're ME. That's a life that I lived. That's experiences that I had and choices that I made.
And seeing people be mean about them does hurt. And sometimes my internet filters, and blocklists, and emotional barriers are simply not robust enough to protect me from the way it feels when someone says something negative or hurtful.
Especially when it's being attached to/in response to a piece of fanwork that I made that was heavily derived from my own experience.
Seeing "I hate him so much" reblogged on a piece of work where I was emotionally vulnerable about myself hurts.
And the kicker is that people are 100% allowed to react to characters that way. That's fine and normal, I'm the weird one here, for reacting the way that I am.
So sometimes, when my emotional barriers aren't robust enough to interact with fandom, I think about taking a step back.
Yeah this is why I never interact with fandom. I'll post my art and my fics and I dip 👍 the constant ne.gan hate in fandom has caused a lot of damage to my self worth that I'm still trying to unravel.
