I am not sure how to word this, but I think I need to give myself a chance. It has been more than a week since we said goodbye. Well, I don’t think we actually said goodbye. I think about you everyday. It sometimes feels ridiculous, that I am in this state, doing all this, for someone I met only three times. Why does this feel so big? So significant?
This is the first time I felt something for someone, after I found myself.
I have lived so many years not loving myself. I didn’t know how to love myself. I knew how to love, I think. That’s all they taught us, but they never taught us how to love myself. I don’t think I hated myself, but I surely didn’t like myself. I felt bad that I only have myself to account for. It used to make me very lonely, the thought of only having myself in life. And then I left the big invisible bubble that was slowly killing me. I distanced myself from the shame and hatred. I freed myself from the fear. The fear of being outed, being seen.
Then I met you, someone finally came along and told me, with words and with actions, that I am worthy, that I am desired. Something I didn’t understand at all. I found myself facing you with courage, with confidence. It’s not you that is significant, per se. It is how I feel about myself that is significant. I finally know how it feels, to let myself be cared for, to be loved.
I was reluctant to call this love, but there’s no other word to describe this. In the past, I only had the skill to love. I knew how to do that, to sacrifice myself, to put myself down, to serve people. This time I can’t help but let myself feel the love. The first time we met, I already felt the love. I allowed myself to be loved. I was prepared to love you, to learn everything about you, the good of you the flaws of you, the beauty and the ugly. And I am also prepared to love myself, no matter what happens. Things did happen, and I don’t feel anxious about being apart, or the possibility of never see you or talk to you again. I feel powerful. I feel whole, almost.
I was so sure, I am still sure, that this is love.
Thank you, for appearing in my life at this point in time. I know now isn’t an easy time for you. I hope I brought you some courage and confidence. I said I want you (in my life), I think I already have you in my life. No matter what happens in the future. Thank you for giving me this, this realisation that I have love in myself. I love you. You told me not to, but I am going to romanticise the shit out of this, and I am not sorry.
I wish I can talk to you, I want to know what you think about everything, anything. I want to hold your hands on a bus, I want to look at you when you take a nap, I want to learn all the little things about you. I want to tell you all the stories of my life, because I know you’d want to hear them. I want to tell you my trauma my fear my desire my hope my guilt my loneliness. I want to see your smile again, the twinkle in your eyes. I want to tell you how I admire your work, your art, your humour, your intelligence. We were always in a rush when we meet. I wish there’s more time for us. I want to hold your hands again, I want to tell you I noticed your nail polish. I want to tell you how soft your hands are, how I find your nose so beautiful, your teeth so cute. I also want you to find peace and happiness. I want you to know that you will be okay too. I want you to know that I am grateful. That I am sorry I made you cry, that I made you stay so late even though you were not well. I want to be there when you find your way out of this low.
Somehow, I think you know all these already. Somehow, I think you would tell me the same thing. I think you understand.
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
origamiaround
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
