he would never admit it, but I know my dad has some internalized misogyny. he told me that he owns me because I have his last name. but he also cares about me, and I know he loves me. and he's kind to me and buys me chocolate when I'm on my period. so I don't know, it's just really hard to hate my own blood sometimes.
sometimes I wonder if i'll tell people about how bad a father he was when he died. I wonder if i'll stand there in front of a crowd of people and tell them that he was a good person.
my father is a good man. but he's kind of a shitty dad, and he wasn't a good husband for a long time. it's so funny. I got to watch him be a better father to kids he wasn't even related to when I cried so many times over not being a good enough daughter.
and I don't know if anyone will care if I tell them that. my family says I have to love him, because he's my dad. and I do love him. I know it's not his fault that he acts the way he does, but I also know he chooses not to go to therapy.
both of my parents suffered (very different) abuse from their parents and have years of trauma behind them. but my mom has made peace with that, and she knows what hurt her, and she doesn't want those same things to hurt me.
my father believes I need to learn things for myself. that I need to be strong for myself. he believes he's doing the right thing. he's mean because he cares, but that doesn't make anything hurt any less. it just makes me frustrated at him for being so stubborn.
he told me he'd always been proud of me. I know that's true.
but he still yelled at me
and I still cry whenever someones voice gets too loud
I still wonder if anything would change if I told people this. my mom told me to just make peace with it and move on. I shouldn't humiliate him when he's dead. But I can't stop thinking about it sometimes. I want him to know how I feel and I want him to understand that the same pain his father inflicted onto him, he has inflicted onto me. even if it's not physical.
I am the way I am because of my father.
And my father is the way he is because of his own father.
And I don't know what to do with any of this.
But when he dies, I think I should be allowed to be angry. I think I shouldn't have to keep these emotions to myself. It's unfair. He's MY dad.
I don't really care that it's petty or disrespectful. He's apart of my life, and I should get to express how I feel about MY life.
kaledo-art
germansingergirl
jbbartram-illu
snowghoul
blakekathryn
titsay
annaxmalina
