"Music Makes One"

MJ.BS Biology major, Xavier University-Ateneo de Cagayan.love to read books.has a roller coaster life.like men that can cook.definitely a music lover.

[eemjay]

...

alam niyo yung feeling na hindi ka pa nga naka decide pero tinanggal na sayo ang right para makapili? 

So basically you end up with no choices. Yun na yun. I think I will never have to experience that. Hindi man lang muna ako pinapili ni Universe. I wanted to have pero it says “nah gurl, you won’’t have to choose. ako na pipili for you kaya eto ang sayo”

Its hard to fight this depression thing. I want to move on. I want to sleep the way I used to. I want my day the way it used to. I want my life the way it used to. But everything changed with that one moment that you didn’t even get to decide your life. Heck now that I think about it, for 26 yrs of existence, for a moment I was able to decide what to do with my life -- my friends, my college life, my work. But for my future life, the universe decided for me. Why. Why. I want to know the answer but I guess impossible is an understatement. 

Gusto ko na pong mawala to lahat. Lahat ng nararamdamam ko. Pagod na po ako. Yes there are other people who suffers more than I am, pero masakit lang po talaga. Its hard to talk about it and people talking about it in front of you. I just wanna be gone for good. 

[eemjay]

I will always find Albay beautiful. 

It gives me a different ambiance and I love how people here are just so nice. Well, like any other places people are nice. But here it's different. It’s the same feeling when I’m in Sagada. I feel peace. I feel home. 

Thank you for this feeling, Lord. I feel relieved and at ease. 

[eemjay]

...

Been emotionally unstable these past months. I get mood swings in less than 0.001 seconds. Things making me cry and I really don’t know why. I have been doing things that might distract me but hey it keeps on piling up everyday. I find myself crying at night for no reason. Getting angry at people for no reason. I spend too much money on something irrelevant. Making decisions that are reckless and stupid. I physically hurt myself just to make sure I can sill feel pain. I punch, kick and punch myslef over and over again. I create bruises and just say to people its because of training.

Am I depressed? I don’t know. Do I want to know? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m hurt somewhere. Somewhere.

[eemjay]

...

Lord help me

[eemjay]

...

I am at the point of my  life where I am thinking on how to efficiently and less costly kill myself:

a. Get hit by a Truck

b. Stab myself with a knife

c. Overdose myself with Antibiotics

d. Pray that evil things would just get my soul (Not sure if doable but still considering)

e. Get operated then hope to not wake up (Yes I need an operation, and I really hope that I won’t wake up)

Why am I acting like this? I don’t know. There’s too much pain in me that I want to get rid of. I want to physically hurt myself since I know where exactly hurts. But emotionally? Its everywhere. Its in my heart my lungs my brain my cells my bones.. Everywhere. 

Lord I’m sorry if I’m thinking about taking my life. I’m being selfish. I’m not thinking about others but myself. But I’m suffering inside. 

[eemjay]

...

I guess no matter how many miles I run, my heart is still as heavy as before. 

[eemjay]

...

Loneliness is the biggest thing you must fight when you are living alone. 

Then comes being independent being responsible then being mature.

I felt this when I went I rushed myself to the infirmary. I texted all my housemates. No reply. I was dying - yes it felt that way. It was really painful I thought it will be my last. The doctor did not want to give me anything cause it might trigger the pain. So I just laid there crying, vomiting, and almost fainting, I was fighting it cause I was contacting my mother. Two housemates were out of town, one went home, one I don’t know, one on the field. I was hopeless. 

The worst part was that there was poor reception in the infirmary. So yeah I had only myself. The nurse was not helping the doctor was doing and said can’t do anything since their laboratory is closed since its a Sunday. I wanted to die right then there. But I thought it was selfish of me. So I battled the pain. Then, fortunately, one of my housemates came and helped me. 

Long story short, it was my first time to get admitted to a hospital. Thank God the pain went away. I was in a wheelchair. I was there for a whole day. 

After that, I swear to myself that I hate hospitals. I hate it. All I can see are bad things. People dying, people getting hurt. I know they are getting treated but you know I can unsee what I saw there. It still haunts me. Ugh. 

[eemjay]

...

I have always been strong since I was in kindergarten. I was independent. I was on my own. I have tried my best to learn things on my own. I never had to depend on someone for strength and encouragement because people just come and go. I have always been hard on myself for so long that I even had to push people away.

But now I am helpless. I can't do anything. I can only hope for the best and not think of the worse. To be optimistic and not pessimistic. But how? How? How? Things are bad and even my mom share her emotions with me. And apparantly me to her.

This is the worst time of my life. I have faith in God. I have always been faithful. I'm just scared of what will happen after. 😔

[eemjay]

March 17, 2018

Of my 24 years of existence, this is the most terrifying and worst day ever in my life.

I hate hospitals. I hate it. And it will never change. Hospitals makes me sad. Makes me see and know things against my will. Yes lives are saved but what are the proportions on the the lives saved vs lives taken? Ugh. I am being nega. But Lord please don't make it worse. I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know what will I do from here. I have your faith. But I am scared. Lord. I'm thinking that I can do it. I will survive this shit but for how long?! Ugh. I want it to go away. Go away. Go away!!!

[eemjay]

...

Ngano mas makatabang ko sa ubang tao kaysa sa akong kaugalingon?

Ngano kung naa silay problema dali ra ko makahuna-huna ug solusyon?

Lisud diay Maryjune nga tabangan nimu imuhang kaugalingon?

Wa ka malouy sa imuhang kaugalingun nga mas di ka maulaw mangayo tabang para sa uban kaysa kaugalingon nimu?

Kanus-a paka magbag-o?

Kanus-a paka makaamgo nga importante sad kaugalingon nimu?

Mata nas kamatuoran uy. 

[poetic-pics]

[pretty-words-blog]

There’s nothing…

[eemjay]

...

Gibisita na sad ko sa ako Lolo gabii.

Nakahilak jud ko ay. 

Abi jug nako tinoud. Basi nakadungog siya sa ako mga gi-ampo.

Nga maunsa na lang ko nga wala na jud ko trabaho.

Lo salamat, niduaw ka nako.

Makasure nako nga naa ra jud ka perme gabantay namo. 

[poetic-pics]

[eemjay]

I find this so funny ha ha ha

[eemjay]

...

Whenever I feel tired, I always remind myself of Why I’m doing this. Sometimes I want to take the shortcuts, avoid struggles and go directly to my end goal. But what makes my journey amazing is what happens in between. I know my time will come. I will be more patient and be more understanding. I don’t know how long I can hold on but I know I will do my best. Enough for me to say “I have no regrets”. :)

[eemjay]

If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

[eemjay]

...

I asked this question to myself last night:

How would you want people to remember you?

Then I thought for a while. Many things crossed my mind. 

Bad things. Good things. But most of the bad things. 

Then I ended up having no answer.

Yet, somehow deep in my thoughts I want to be remembered deeply. 

Not just because I existed. But because I was once part of their lives. 

And I do hope they will remember me. Somehow.