𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌.

we pull our boots on with both hands but we can't punch ourselves awake and all i can do is stand on the curb and say, "sorry about the blood the blood in your mouth, i wish it was mine." i couldn't get the boy to kill me, but i wore his jacket for the longest time.

[egojock]

𝐄𝐆𝐎𝐉𝐎𝐂𝐊, a heavily canon-divergent selective blog for nathaniel 'nate' jacobs of sam levinson's euphoria. low activity. anti-sam levinson. dead dove do not eat. mature themes present. 21+. worshipped by ash. (they/them.) tracking #egojock.

a study in: toxic masculinity, compulsory heterosexuality, being the big man on campus, feeling like a stranger in your own family, repeating the cycle of abuse.

stats. rules. credits. tags.

affiliates & mains: @planetsorbit, @redemptioninterlude, @petitsdieu, @depictedmorada @depictedblue

[queerasian]

show of all time

[egojock]

grief is hitting me hard today and i just feel like crying. (and no, not over rue or even nate, but that was adjacent enough to feel like a personal loss) and yet it's jst a day like any other ... tempted to curate my following list or remake at some point later this week. we'll see. stay safe my fellow grief-stricken girls, gays and theys

[carolsturka]

JEREMY STRONG AS KENDALL ROY IN S1E1: "Celebration"

[egojock]

the shrike.

name: nathaniel 'nate' jacobs

age: 14 (first reaping, 69th hunger games victor), 24 (mentor - tbd)

district: 2

weapon(s): knife, snares, spear

affiliations: cal jacobs (father), aaron jacobs (elder brother), chris mckay (friend, fellow district 2 career tribute)

biography.

at his third eligible reaping, it hadn't been nate's drawn but aaron's. the eldest jacob son was tall in stature and had a few more inches as well as years on nate, but he was slower than nathaniel — in more than one regard. he wouldn't make it out alive in the games. in their father's eyes, aaron's future was to be a peacekeeper, even if he didn't ascend up the ranks. and nate's? had yet to be decided. like most careers from the more financially secure districts, nate had been allowed more opportunities than most but it's only when the other male tribute is announced to be chris mckay does it dawn on him exactly how unfair the games were. their fathers were friends, birds of a feather, and mckay is the only other boy who knows exactly how hard they could be on their offspring.

[egojock]

feeling a bit down in the dumps but i'm going to try and get that thg verse up for nate. i cba to make a carrd .. it will probably be linked and tagged somewhere tho !!

[egojock]

ELLIOT: What's a bigger feeling than love? RUE: Loss.

nate and maddy / @depictedmorada.

[rasputinaillyanna]

[egojock]

euphori4 finale thoughts.

so. i said i wasn't going to watch the finale but i feel too attached and strongly about euphoria and certain characters to let it go easily.

that was predictable and upsetting. i have good faith takes on it, and bad faith takes on the finale as well as the season as a whole. i didn't bawl like a baby when nate died, but with rue i did. i was just resigned and depressed by it. sighed really loudly because it wasn't a surprise. rue's situation hits close to home for me, despite nate's death having less closure and being arguably more violent. i just think that, to choose this kind of ending for the leads of the show while also having former cast members literally die of a drug overdose and also continuing to show and reference the SAME character sets kind of a dangerous precedent. if euphoria is supposed to serve as a PSA for kids not to get involved with drugs, how uncool they are and how quickly they ruin your life, that has been well-established already. in previous seasons.

lexi and cassie's conversation regarding rue, much less nate wasn't really cathartic either. what is this fuckass surface level conversation about the bible and it being Spooky that rue had left it behind. lexi, supposedly a writer and media literate didn't have much worthwhile to say. but i suppose the play in s2 was enough to showcase how she felt and sympathetically she viewed rue. i can't say as much for cassie. also. i am very glad that ali was there, to take vengeance on alamo and get maddy out of that situation. he'd been there for every step of that journey. he's known when rue was doing good and doing bad. so at the very least, his monologue at his last NA meeting felt cathartic and ultimately very truthful to his character and the experience of a lot of people watching the show who had personal experience with addiction themselves that are in recovery or have lost people to it. it's not as linear as one would think. it's a systemic, societal problem. a month after my mom od'd, narcan was made available over the counter.

which does make one wonder, how many marginalized people had to die of the same illness before government officials saw it fit to do something. so ali's rage and pivot to serving the world in a better way, by taking out a kingpin circulating this shit, did feel justified and necessary. the system does not care about those who fell between the cracks. men of principle, people of principle like ali do regardless of how irredeemable and fucked up his own past history with addiction was. however! however. do i buy into the fact that rue's idea or concept of heaven was that white christian family homestead in texas? absolutely the fuck not. not when cassie was regurgitating right-wing talking points for ragebait virality earlier in the season. it is also not lost on me that the queer characters in the show were killed or shoved to the wayside: nate, rue, and jules respectively. i can't even view this season as satirical or anything other than a bad quentin tarantino euphoria au. and if i started in on the lack of closure in regards to nate death, well. this would be too long. "fanservice" indeed, with no nuance or hope of recovery or healing nor breaking the cycles.

[petitsdieu]

Her body twists in his direction to face him fully again. Her elbow perches the chair's back. Her cheekbone nestles her palm. Her fingers feel in some sand that's collected against her scalp from earlier.

❛ I meant soulmates like The Symposium ... Plato. Greek Mythology. Zeus severed all people from their other halves. ❜

A symposium, ironically, is close enough to what they could call this conversation. From the deck to now ⸺ because those two sets of dialogue aren't separated at all. Albeit, this "symposium" is less formal by strict definition sense ... but she was never about taking definitions as they were handed to her but rather for what they meant to her. Or could mean to her. She thinks he could be similar in that regard if she takes everything he's already said and everything in-between. Because sometimes it's not about a single word but the collection of words that follow (sometimes it's not even about words at all). They are essentially talking about the same kind of thing here. It feels that way.

❛ Soulmates, twin flames ... those can be used interchangeably, mostly. Those terms are talking about the same thing ... soul-and/or-body-splitting. Though, me for, it's hard to separate soul from body. I cannot help it. You need a balance. The beautiful and the ugly. Raw should⸺ is both ... do you know what I mean? Maybe it's not about being better or worse but complete. ❜

The transforming part, however, comes for you regardless of what type of entanglement you engage with. Like two unrelated wedding guests deciding their own seats, making an island of it. Who knows where else they'd be if they were sitting somewhere else. At the very least she knows she'd be more stressed. Without looking away, she reaches for her drink. Another baby-sip, followed by a more generous one, and then its set back down. She only wonders know why the ceremony hasn't started yet. Eager for The Kiss, the dancing, and the cake. Despite usually thinking American desserts are overly sweet, she knows this is a dinnerless affair. She's hungry and willing to put anything in her mouth right now. Almost.

❛ Twin Flame, though ... I don't think I've ever heard that term said out loud. ❜

[egojock]

nate's mouth opens, eyes wide, then promptly shuts. a rock being skimmed across the still calm waters of his face, and recognition blooms in his gaze before he huffs a laugh. "oh. and i was supposed to infer that from your question?" nate teases, corners of his mouth quirking up into the ghost of a smile, devoid of bite or teeth. if anything, he's all the more enthralled by this revelation. much more than she appears to be. and what hara appears to be — nate isn't certain yet, not one to think in absolutes, but it seemed like she had more heart and soul than her stature had the capacity for. he's grateful for the clarification. "don't get me started on zeus. i know a guy like that," he quips, tone low and dry as he reaches out to take a generous sip of his drink, as if there was more truth to that joke than he would care to let on about. zeus and his progeny, a never ending list of conquests. nate shakes his head, dispelling the notion of following that train of thought before focusing back on hara. "i have a rudimentary understanding of greek mythology. the greeks were interesting. their gods, fundamentally flawed and human-like. i think i prefer that to some of the abrahamic religions." with her talk of rawness being the balance between both beauty and ugliness, nate thinks he understands what she's getting at. he's never really felt whole, always severed and feeling the absence of a certain something. it didn't seem to matter whether he was in a relationship, or somewhere in between with touching someone else to feel seen. nate's soul has never been for the taking, only his body. the conversation sparks a bit of a belated revelation in him. perhaps that was why the very touch of him corrupts. despite that newfound realization, he's unable to look away from hara. it all felt like such an abstract concept to him, which is why he doesn't doubt that she truly is a romantic. his lips quirk up into another smile, averting his gaze to wipe sweaty palms on the front of his slacks. it was a beautiful and intimate venue, but god, he wishes the happy couple could've factored a little more ventilation into their budget. vows had yet to be exchanged and nate already wanted to lose his tie. "yeah? i prefer it. soulmates sounds nice, but twin flame.. you can't have that kind of intimacy without the risk of getting burnt." appropriate for this summer wedding, really. right as he's tracing the condensation on his glass with the pads of his fingers, the music starts up, setting the scene for the bride about to be given away by her father. anticipatory anxiety kicks up in his chest, the flitting of annoying canary wings against his ribcage. "ah, looks like it's show time." nate licks his lips, glancing over to the wedding procession.

[planetsorbit]

oliver stares unabashed when nathaniel kisses his phone, pursed lips and a grand profile to the flat of his screen. the pressure is invisible, no lingering wetness to serve as holy proof, only memory and some scant, assumed traces of bacteria. an exhale or some miniscule touch of spit, oliver's body and home sinking to the back of nathaniel's throat. his stomach feels a little hollow, head half-cloudy with feeling. (desire? disgust? despair?) he takes the device, thankful in speech, though he hesitates then, drifts in the quiet of their breathing until nathaniel's posse hollers loud enough to interrupt. they bring him back stubbornly to the world of the living, and oliver, as if powered to life, pushes— prodding a tad eager: "...yeah. so. what're you guys gonna do now? is there an after party for the after party type scenario?" he can't bring himself to ask if he's invited, but greed sits in the bead of his eyes.

[egojock]

nate can feel the weight of oliver's gaze still and he has to fight off the urge to wipe off his mouth with the back of his hand. not a personal affront to oliver, of course, but because nate was a bit of a clean freak. he can't expect oliver to know that the gesture was him trying to reciprocate oliver's undivided attention, so he swallows down the disgust alongside phlegm. nate hums, his gaze flitting away to the source of the raucous noise before returning safe and unwavering on oliver's features, quietly assessing. the gears in his brain are whirring, weighing the options and whether or not this could come back to bite him in the ass later. counting his transgressions on an internal abacus. oliver doesn't strike him as the gossipy type, so nate figures there wouldn't be much harm in inviting him in even further — that whatever incriminating or dubious thing he'd witness, he would keep to himself. "headed back to mine," he replies simply, lips quirking up with amusement. nate wants a cigarette. something else to occupy his mouth and attention with. nate simply wants. his hands pat the front of his pants before finding their way to the pockets of his jeans, muscle memory and reaching for something absent. "there is. you can come along too. provided you don't have any cop blood in your family," nate teases, a coy and mirthful look in his eyes. it's not necessarily all to nathaniel's tastes, because his friends had vices of their own and he knows once they arrive, there'll be weed and white powder on most of the clean surfaces of his home. enough bass booming from the stereo system to drown out rational thought, plenty of substances to let them indulge their baser instincts. there's something darker and heated in nate's gaze now, unguarded but prompting as he cocks his head to the side. the tension builds, frays at the edges. "are you? going to come." the word choice as well as the implication is deliberate.

[planetsorbit]

nathaniel's body is solid, warm against his own. "no. or — it should be fine. i can negotiate the hours up until — uh, things get more steady. whenever that is." the pressure is slight and tender, not bruising in its expectation but weighty enough to be felt. (make space for me, long lasting and vast, and i will fill it to every corner, make it worth your while.) their faces linger in the moment, excitement and anticipation clinging to the corner of their lips, until the heat disperses, until nathaniel pulls away — seamless and easy, as he does everything else; sauntering offstage like his adoring audience won't cry themselves to sleep about it. the push and pull is literal, and oliver's stomach near lurches at the distance, a frightful lonely thing newly separated from a pouch. (and if he thinks about it long enough, he thinks whatever he feels about nathaniel is vast enough to be both kid-like and adult. he wants the best for him, and needs him in tandem.) not one to let opportunities sit in open air, oliver digs his phone out; one vigorously cleaned of incriminating content, and hands the calendar screen over. save for the concert date, it's riddled with work dates, the occasional medical appointment, and some invented get-togethers of various importance (house parties and bar nights and old dates from months prior). "here, you can pick a date from here. and if none work, i'll call to move things around."

[egojock]

nathaniel's play seems to be effective. he barely knows oliver, sure, but nate doesn't truly know anyone and he likes it that way. but there's something in the near transparent shade of blue in oliver's eyes and unassuming demeanor, clear enough to make nate think him honest. and even if that turned out to not be the case, it'd only be more of an asset. nate comes to him like a well-intentioned thief in the night, shrouded and bare in nothing but the intimacy of darkness with the promise of a remedy for a cure to all ills. whatever void or absence of something that exists within the both of them, nate will try to fill it — give just enough crumbs of his real self away while leaving oliver wanting more. to ensure he stays, so that oliver sees this cause as worthy. all while preparing for the next album rollout, the next transformation, another vulnerable self-mutilation in the medium of his choice. music. everyone more or less grasps that concept that life is a bunch of interwoven stories, narratives weaved together from parents and cultural word of mouth. there's a reason the bible, the word of god has survived the grueling test of time. it's oratory. nathaniel isn't sacrilegious enough to be on john lennon's level, but fuck, he wanted to get there eventually. false idols would more than suffice when their real Father was avoidant and neglectful. nate would never forsake anyone devoted to him that hasn't forsaken him first. he offers a soft and unguarded smile to oliver before lowering his gaze to the other man's phone, skimming through the calendar and picking out a date that works best for his schedule. oliver's already prioritizing him, offering to move his shifts around selflessly. "done," nathaniel replies, and because oliver has passed every test of faith provided for him thus far, nate brings kiss lips to the phone screen before passing it back. later, when oliver picks up his call — nate predicts his cheek to brush against the same spot nate's mouth had been. "you know what? i think this is the beginning of a beautiful partnership."

[egojock]

knowing your writing partner can potentially make writing together a lot easier!

The Basics.

Name: ash or maple Age: hm. older than 25 but on the cusp of my dirty thirties. Pronouns: they/them or she/her. no strong preference. i present femininely but have a weird relationship with gender. i am detached from my female anatomy aside from all the health problems n inconveniences my reproductive organs cause me Sexuality: bi. Taken or single: taken and still morbidly infatuated with my partners beautiful mind.

Three Facts.

* i'm a southerner and have lived in texas for pretty much all of my life. the southern states are pretty rich in culture and overall a melting pot like most of america but i do sigh internally w/ the kneejerk or sweeping assumptions one can make about ur politics when you live in a red/conservative place * i was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when i was 9 yrs old so ive never been the #healthiest. there have been some long term side-effects and comorbidities with that even though it's a childhood disease and i'm in remission. gotten into weight-lifting and working out over the past 3 yrs albeit begrudgingly and it was more for my mental health than anything. * i'm an aquarius.

Experience.

How long? (months/years): on this specific platform? since 2012 .. my very first rp blog was arthur pendragon from bbc's merlin LMAO Platforms you've used: tumblr/discord/gaia online if we're being biblically accurate Best experience: meeting and writing with @planetsorbit circa 2021-2022?? we got back and forth on the exact timeline but jk has inspired me to keep working on my writing chops and we both love/look for the same motifs in characters or slightly fucked up n codependent ship dynamics.

Muse Preferences.

Female or Male: male. i have females on a sideblog mumu! but this is my preference bc, yea, writing and fiction in general is an escape for me and the female experience is weighty enough irl. Fluff, Angst, or Smut: all three have a time and place. hurt/comfort. fluff and more light hearted moments. smut and writing sex scenes can also tell you a lot about a characters psyche that they can't always consciously verbalize as well as provide insight into what intimacy in a relationship looks like. depending. i am no puritan Plots or Memes: i love plotting things out but i also like going with the flow ... plots are preferred if you want a long-lasting thread but certain things itch at my brain and if you send me a meme i will hoard it until the mood and timing is right. Long or Short Replies: uh. i am bad at short. i'm a verbose motherfucker but i'm working on saying more with less. Best Time To Write: evenings or afternoons on a slow day. Are You Like Your Muse(s): for nate in particular.. there are aspects of him that i can relate to quite a bit. growing up queer in a conservative family that has certain expectations of you. having a narcissistic parent who doesnt consider how their actions have impacted your life. that's the common link imo

tagged by : nobody!

tagging: @planetsorbit, @petitsdieu, @depictedmorada, @redemptioninterlude, @depictedblue. feel free to ignore if u've already done smthn similar

[egojock]

started the day off #throwingup n feeling sick as a dog .. potential food poisoning and other health comorbidities methinks. NOT how i want to start off pride month but june is kind of a difficult one for me anyway. resting and hydrating .. unrelated note. so tempted to toss nate into a thg verse or something adjacent and equally dystopian because i think he would thrive as well as simultaneously suffer in a setting like that.

[egojock]

@redemptioninterlude: “  no one is meant to be all alone.  that’s not how humans are built.  you don’t need to do all this on your own.   ” ( rue sksknajnga okay and!? )

the first headfuck of a shrink nate saw after senior year had told him about maslow's hierarchy of needs — the bottom tier of the pyramid was physiological needs. food consistently in the fridge week after week, a place to sleep, clothes on his back. not small things by any means nor shit he took for granted. he'd had abundance in some areas of his life, salted soil with little probability for growth in others. like rue had put it in one of their previous exchanges, it feels like the absence of something. so maybe he hadn't managed to call figurative bingo on this hierarchy of needs, but big deal, right? they all had it rough growing up. the old nate, under the same amounts of pressures would've thought he needed to suck it up and walk it off. it'd probably be easier to do if he weren't on the path to becoming permanently disabled or worse.

rue is easily one of the sweetest and more sensitive people that nate knows, so he wants to believe she's not patronizing him right now. but instinct wins out, nate does what all wounded and ill dogs do: he bites. "i don't? tell me something. when's the last time someone asked how you were, if you were okay and meant it? and people looking to sell you something or trying to fuck you or fuck you over in some capacity don't count." the recoil of it shows on his face almost immediately, oscillating between several conflicting emotions at once. he cusses under his breath, breaking eyecontact as a hand scrubs over his face. "sorry. that wasn't — that wasn't directed at you. no. more an admission of guilt, really. i've been lying to everyone, including myself, fucking manipulating and shifting blame for so long now that i don't know up from down anymore." maybe what nate meant to ask was is if she felt as alone and over her head as he did right now. misery, meet company. "please don't go. i wasn't trying to like, run you off by being a dick on purpose." how much of what comprised them as people was nature as opposed to nurture? if it was the former, well. there's a limit to how much a person can fundamentally change about themselves.

[romeosrose]

Merry Christmas, Please Don’t Call by the Bleachers

this is such an insane thing to write but HELL YES !!

[egojock]

fr need to make a thread tracker .. been back to the rpc for a short while and i've already forgotten who i owe replies to. girl HELP