Eight ways to survive 2016
Robots
The robots are here, and they're better at our jobs than we are. "Yeah, yeah," I hear you say, "robots might replace Starbucks staff, but they will never do a better job than the hipster barista from the local artisan coffee shop." Wrong. Robots are about to take the steering wheel. Literally. But what about human creativity? Surely no artificial intelligence could ever come up with evergreens like "Work, Work, Work" or literary classics like 50 Shades of Grey? Wrong again. Time to invest in some Real Steel, people.
How to survive: Get your Mech suits on, it's about to get real. We have a Pacific Rimjob on our hands.
Humans Need Not Apply: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Pq-S557XQU
Self-driving cars: https://www.google.com/selfdrivingcar/
Climate Change
Get a boat, it's about to get wet. If you have access to lots of plywood, play it safe by building an ark. But learn from Noah's mistakes: be selective about any animal companions you bring along. Elephants are useful for memorising things. Penguins are great for formal dress parties. Platypi are just hilarious. If the animals can swim or fly, leave them behind. Particularly the mosquitos. Who wants them anyway? They don't make honey and they suck. Literally. Although most of the ice caps will have melted away in this Brave New Waterworld, there will still be a couple left with rogue polar bears floating around on them.
How to survive: Don't be fooled by the cute eyes and cuddly fur; they will eat you and steal your boat.
Climate change: http://climate.nasa.gov
Geoengineering: http://www.intellectualventures.com/news/press-releases/intellectual-ventures-answers-about-geoengineering/
Immigration
Affectionately described by former Prime Minister (and occasional pig charmer) David Cameron as 'swarms', immigrants are everywhere these days. And why wouldn't they be? I'm an immigrant, and you're most likely an immigrant too. Unless you're still in the same spot you were born in, guess what? You're from somewhere else. Immigration seems to be a buzz word in 2016, and in the multicultural city of London many people fear that they will be exposed to foreign elements like pizzas, Pokemon, piñatas, and other incredibly offensive things.
How to survive: Go back to where you came from. But ask for your mother's permission first. You might not be welcome there anymore.
UK immigration: https://fullfact.org/immigration/eu-migration-and-uk/
Migrant crisis: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-34131911
Surveillance
I'm online, you're online, and now your mankini is about to be online too. Your house guilt trips you about energy usage, your fridge spies on your nightly sleep-eating and, just as you were about to dive back into a wet dream of your choice, your alarm clock tells you it's time to get up and be a person again. It seems like the Internet is everywhere… except for London's Tube trains. This is particularly exciting for marketing agencies who now not only know what your favourite dish is, but also what it makes your poop look like. It's even gone as far as smart clothes that can detect your mood.
How to survive: Strip naked and run into the woods, where there is no one but you… and the NSA.
Smart clothing: http://edition.cnn.com/2014/02/04/tech/innovation/this-new-tech-can-detect-your-mood/
Internet of Things: http://www.techradar.com/news/internet/10-ways-the-internet-of-things-could-change-the-world-in-2016-1310631
The Economy
Sell, sell, sell, before it all crashes again. No matter the colour of their ties, politicians just can't stop talking about "The Economy", and how it's all going to Hell in a handbasket because of what politicians with different colour ties say and do. The red ties say we need to spend more, the blue ties say we need to spend less, the yellow ties say we should do both (or neither), and the green ties say we need to stop killing baby trees to make paper leaflets with the Queen on them. Someone is clearly wrong… could it be everyone?
How to survive: Invest in Bitcoin. You can spend them in pubs, which is all that really matters.
Positive money: http://positivemoney.org/videos/
Bitcoin: https://bitcoin.org/en/
Terrorism
Terror attacks are looming from the far-Right, the far-Left, the up-tight and the backwards. Anyone who doesn't look like you, or hasn't caught as many Pokemon as you, is probably out to kill you for political reasons. It's difficult to prepare for terror attacks, as you never know which weapons will be used next. Will it be Hyper Beam? Hydro Cannon? Stealth Rock? Shell Smash?
How to survive: Delete your Pokemon GO app. Seriously. Also, in case of an actual terror attack, make sure you've deleted your porn browsing history. Mother would be so disappointed (and Father might get inspired).
Terror attacks 2016: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_terrorist_incidents,_2016
Pokemon battle simulator: http://pokemonshowdown.com
Apocalypse Predictions
Like every other year before this, 2016 has been predicted by many self-styled prophets to be the year of the apocalypse. Except this time, it's for real. Asteroids will hit Earth and cause earthquakes, cows will produce nothing but milkshakes, and Jesus Christ himself is predicted to make an appearance as well (promises, promises). It's almost as if someone is making a lot of money from books and documentaries. But it's real! Fortunately, there are as many tips for surviving the extinction of humankind as there are misfortune-tellers preaching it.
How to survive: Stock up on tin foil and make hats for you and your friends. Might as well go out in style.
How to survive the apocalypse: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/mar/14/rebuild-world-after-apocalypse-lewis-dartnell
New Nostradamus: http://www.express.co.uk/news/weird/621486/New-Nostradamus-Prophet-claims-WWIII-start-JUNE-six-months-after-Europe-closes-borders
Stay Positive
It's a crazy world, eh? Don't worry, it'll all be over soon. Donald Trump will be elected US president before capitulating to China, nationalist parties will take over Europe before being invaded by Russia, and the UN will appeal to Bono in the hopes that his angelic voice will save the world once again. But it won't, because everyone hates U2 since their forceful invasion of iTunes. It's at time like these we must look to the science of positive psychology for answers.
How to survive: Lower your expectations. It's not going to get any better than this. Unless you win the lottery (Spoiler: You won't).
Positive Psychology: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ambigamy/201408/the-secret-happiness-and-compassion-low-expectations
The key to happiness: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/11013715/The-key-to-happiness-have-low-expectations.html
Article by Frederik Nielsen













