Thunderbolts*, as told by Luis.
(WARNING, THUNDERBOLTS SPOILERS. IN LUIS STYLE.)
Okay, so like, first off, there’s this group of people right? But they're not, like, heroes heroes — nah man, these are the tipo de folks who probably got kicked out of the Avengers WhatsApp group for bein’ a little too stabby, you feel me? So check it:
Bucky Barnes a.k.a. The Winter Soldier. Okay so Bucky, my man — he used to be brainwashed by Hydra, which is like the evil Costco of supervillain orgs, but now he’s all like “I got trauma, but I also got a beard,” and he’s tryna do better. Real moody, real brooding, total sad boy vibes. But like, lethal. And now he's running for congressman!
Yelena Belova. She’s like, the spicy little sister of Natasha Romanoff — you know, the Black Widow with the hair flip? Yelena’s got jokes, sarcasm, deadly moves, and the world's most intense mac and cheese opinions. You do not interrupt her dinner. Ever.
Red Guardian. This dude is like, Russian Captain America but with a dad bod and ego issues the size of Sokovia. He thinks he fought Cap back in the day? But Cap was like, frozen or fightin’ aliens or somethin’, so... ehh, questionable. But now he drives people around in limos!
Ghost. So Ghost, right? She’s this chick who literally glitches through walls like my Wi-Fi at my cousin’s house. Super cool, but also kinda scary. Like, “I don’t trust stairs” scary. Real quiet, but if she’s mad? You gon’ regret everything.
Taskmaster. Okay so — plot twist — it’s not the old comics dude, it’s Antonia Dreykov, the one from the Red Room program, and she’s got this whole mimic-anyone's-fighting-style thing goin’ on. So like, you throw hands? She throws them back — your way.
U.S. Agent aka John "I swear I’m not the villain" Walker. Okay okay okay. This guy? He got the same serum as Cap but also got like... issues. Like, “I’ll smile for the camera while lowkey committing war crimes” issues. But hey — he’s working on it. Sorta.
Valentina Allegra de Fontaine. Oof. Long name. Okay, she’s like Nick Fury if he shopped at Hot Topic and gave sass instead of pep talks. She’s the boss lady, mysterious, always scheming, probably has a burner phone for every day of the week. She’s pulling the strings like “Thunderbolts, assemble!” — except no one claps.
So Yelena is working for Valentina Allegra de Fontaine, and she's like "nah, bro, I'm tired of doing this stuff in the shadows." but she's exploding a building while doing this, and has a pet guinea pig.
So Val sends her on a "mIsSiOn" to go kill an intruder at an old base. Plot twist, it's Ava. Who's there to kill Taskmaster. Who's there to kill John. Who's there to kill Yelena. Ava shoots Taskmaster (rip bro. You can't Deadpool.) and Bob is freed. Bros like "hey heyheyheyhey, I'm cool man!" and the John's like "I don't believe you, who sent you and how'd you get in here?"
But then BOOM! Turns out their in this massive incinerator, and they try bustin' out. Ava phases through the wall (after John breaks Control panel). John thinks she left them, but at the last second, she saves them! They rush out, and Yelena has this vision of when she was in the Red Room. When she wakes up, she and Bob are ALMOST holding hands (bowchikawowow).
Then they get to the elevator. And this is where it gets hard. So they go back to back, up the elevator shafts, and they almost fall, cuz John tried taking one of Yelena’s batons!
Then when they finally are out of the elevator shafts, Valentina is out with these black ops. So they go out to try save themselves, Bob makes himself the distraction and gets shot. And reveals his abs (bowchikawowow), which Yelena obviously stares at.
So they escape, after Bob yeets himself into the sky, and Alexi, Yelena’s dad, who drives them in his limo, until their being shot at by black ops again! Then BOOM! KACHOW! BOWCHIKAWOWOW! Bucky Barnes drives in on a motorcycle and blows up those black ops, making everyone stare at dem muscles of his, then he shoots the limo.
Then when they wake up, Buckys like "so, homies, I tied yo up, cuz I did and that's that. Val wants us up in New York, so yet yo American - and Russian - butt's up in my van."
So they drive to New York in Buckys van and smash into the building Val is in, where she tells them she was waiting for them and that the door was unlocked. And Bucky knocks out a dude cuz he wants too, and they go up to the top floor, of what was STARK TOWER!, and see Bob. With his hair dyed blonde. (dramatic sting.)
So he beats up the team and they run (after totally turning John's shield into a taco) And I mean, RUN. Then bob goes to Val "so, homie you see here, you said I'm more powerful than the Avengers, right? Well, the Avengers consisted of this god dude, right? So that would make me a god. And why would me, a cool homie god, take orders from you?"
Then Vals assistant shoots bob, who falls unconscious, and the two leave the building. Then the void wakes up.
And oh boy, he wasn't happy.
He starts Thanos dusting people into shadows, y'all. And Yelena is like "I'm so alone, daddy" to Alexi, completely forgetting bout her new guinea pig (which I named cucumber. Yo welcome homie) and she wakes into the shadow and gets shadow dusted.
Then she's forced to relive the worst moments of her life, eventually finding Bob. Then the two almost DIE, until the rest of the team busts in and saves them. Then they face of void in Bobs worst memory. And everyone almost dies!
Eventually they walk out, everyone saved. Then Valentina presents them as Earth's Newest and Mightest Heroes, claiming them as the Avengers.
A few months later, John's shield is still a taco, and Alexi walks in with this colourful jumpsuit and claiming their the Avengerz, because Sam Wilson is claiming copyright on the name Avengers.
Then they open up a screen, showing a spaceship with a 4 flying down to earth.
I got a guy. He knows a guy. Who’s dating a girl. Who’s cousins with a Skrull. Call me.
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