TW for graphic discussing of depression and mentions of suicide
Smallville! Clark being one of the most depressed but also one of the more inarticulate versions of Clark is something dreadful because he is almost completely incapable of describing the anguish he feels for merely existing to anyone. I see him speaking with others on the show- humans and aliens- and there is a cruelty in their lack of understanding. His experiences and existence is so disorienting for him, so isolating and in the beginning, down right body horror-esque. All he wants is for someone to understand or even just listen to his poor attempts at explaining his plights but every time he’s made out to be selfish, ungrateful or self loathing. But are his wants any more selfish than any person’s desire for community? Can he be eternally and unwaveringly grateful for a power that has brought him so much hardship? Can he grow up hearing he is the center of the universe for so many people without feeling responsible when those people’s lives fall apart or end?
Clark spends five seasons pleading to just be normal before just giving up and turning himself over to his destiny. He said he wanted to be normal so many times it sort of lost it meaning but what he meant is he wants to be able to want for a future with the same ferocity as his human peers without feeling like he is compromising his identity or unfairly getting ahead. He wants to make mistakes without the world shattering. He wants to feel whole in mediocrity; that he is worthwhile even if all he accomplishes is waking up and being kind. He wants to love and be loved. He doesn't want blind devotion or a relationship on the foundation of lies; he wants ease and mundanity that he can infuse with the spark of life by being around people he cares about.
There is something so soul crushing that he feeling a life like that is out of reach for him. I watch the light and optimism drain from his eyes with every passing episode and just hope he finds joy again before the darkness takes him. This season he doesn't try to stop brainiac when it tries to kill him as a baby so he never exist and him explaining to Chloe why feel so much like suicide that I almost threw up.
I totally missed that he tried to commit suicide in Apocalypse b/c he was so GD matter-of-fact about it, until someone analyzed it on tumblr. Holy shit they actually had teen!Superman try to commit suicide on network tv, and Clark was hanging back and so happy seeing for himself how happy everyone else was w/o him existing. Heavy on the "He said he wanted to be normal so many times it sort of lost it meaning but what he meant is he wants to be able to want for a future with the same ferocity as his human peers without feeling like he is compromising his identity or unfairly getting ahead. He wants to make mistakes without the world shattering. He wants to feel whole in mediocrity; that he is worthwhile even if all he accomplishes is waking up and being kind. He wants to love and be loved. He doesn't want blind devotion or a relationship on the foundation of lies; he wants ease and mundanity that he can infuse with the spark of life by being around people he cares about."
