*sigh*
I’m really only writing this for my own fucked up brain that forgets everything good or bad.
Yesterday was his sons birthday! (I say his cause i didn’t birth him but he’s my son too!)
So that’s that for “theme” I met my fiancé just over a year ago…
when we started talking, before we even met, he told me he was gonna marry me one day. That one day I’d be his wife. When him and I started talking/met, he didn’t have his son. He had just got out of jail and was living at his mom. No job, no income, no son, lived with his mom, jail bird, druggie, woman abuser, dead beat dad! Name it, he “was” it!
My family didn’t really like the sound of him… he has long hair, he’s skinny, wears name brands only, entitled and lazy… was what everyone gathered from him at first sight… a “stoner-skater-no-good-for-nothing-loser”. He came over to my parents the first time we met. I was hypnotized. The way he carried himself. The way he talked. The way he moved. It was all so toxic. I knew there was danger. My intentions were clear.
Toy with him
Make him go crazy with your goddess booty and sex ways and send him on his way.
I did just that. You have to understand that I just had ended a four and a half year gay polyamorous relationship, was exploring both my sexuality and ways of life as well as growing a child. My only priority was me, myself and my daughter! When he left, we kept texting.
I told him I was with other people. I wasn’t looking for a relationship… didn’t have time to dedicate myself to someone. There was no way in hell I would attempt a monogamist relationship with a dead beat dad while I was growing a child to one myself.
We kept talking, texting, calling, sending snapchats, going on dates…
he told me he wanted me to be his only.
I told him I would try but that I doubt it would work…
he was going through court for his son, and got shared custody! We started having our son every other week! Friday to Friday!
When I met his son, I fell in love. Not with anyone in particular at that point. Just with the idea of a family!
He was also going through criminal court.
He was sentenced to 90 days house arrest. It was hell. He was lost. Alone. Locked up… but everyone seen him as miserable cause they seen him with everything he needed… but no one could ever understand that weight he had during that time..
We argued a lot.
He didn’t trust me, he needed me more then I wanted to help him, he loved me more then I loved him from the first day he laid eyes on me. The moment I locked eyes with his son and for every moment after that showed him there would be no such thing as a “step” son of mine! That I might not have birthed him but that he was just as much mine as if I had. The day I gave birth to my daughter, my nurse was his mom, he was there as well as the baby’s father. Her father asked my fiancé if he wanted to cut the cord seeing as he had been there more then he had. But my fiancé kindly refuse explaining that it’s a special moment he got to experience with his son that you can’t get back. That he was the father and therefore should have the honour. So selfless… after rubbing my belly, fetching my cravings, attending my every demand. He had done all the hard work and was so easily letting my daughters father be a father although he didn’t deserve such respect at the time…
There was a lot of jealousy that came with my daughter. From everyone. She was the worlds navel and I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed. Times were extremely tough but we pulled through!
We got ourselves an apartment, my fiancé got off house arrest, him and his son's mother started getting along, me and my daughters father were getting along, we were on the path to a better today.
We had no money. Living pay check to pay check which were welfare checks once a month each! For rent, food, diaper, formula, internet, cellphones and the casual outing to keep the mind sane… we made it happen when we had nothing. Our kids always had what they needed and we gave them the biggest bestest Christmas we could with what we had.
We had it. We were a family. Happy, despite its problems.
Then I finally got accepted on disability and my fiancé got a job. 2017 a year for family happiness and new beginnings!
My fiancé started working.
We had everything we needed and then some!
We were on track to the perfect life… but we were still arguing lots, still not getting along, still going through the awful thought of “why” at some point during the day..
January was cold.
February although supposed to be the month of love must of been one of the toughest month for our relationship.
We were past the first anniversary and it was valentine month but I think we were both second guessing the relationship… finally really asking if this is what was best for each of us as well as a family… I think we were thinking it was coming to end.
We were at a point where we didn’t even bother with each other anymore… like everything we were doing, we were doing alone, for ourselves but together. We were building this new beginning and getting our sons birthday ready. We bought matching outfits, matching jewelry. Spoiled the living fuck out of each and everyone of us. The four of us.
But it felt like the end. Not like the beginning… I felt it drift away. All of it.
We planned some things, argued over others, laughed about some things and raged about others. We fucked, we had sex but we weren’t making love anymore. We slept in the same bed; an attempt by him to fix us but we fought in our sleep and slept horribly..
one of the plans was family pictures, matching and all… which got cancelled by the photographer and caused an argument.. he rescheduled the pictures for the day of his sons birthday and to be completely honest I had no faith for this day! I had spent easily $1000-1500 on this day that I thought would be a complete disaster and go something’s along the lines of me doing everything for the kids, everyone bailing and me getting extremely frustrated with my fiancé… what came next was unbelievable! March 18th 2017. I wake up and the house is quiet.
I head to the shower and take my time.
I get out and get the birthday boy some cereal ready, and daddy(my fiancé) wakes up. Greets his little man, and asks me where the one gift is. The shaving kit for kids to shave with dad!
First star of the day.
He then carries on to get himself and his son cleaned up and ready while I get my daughter and do the same for her and I.
As we head for pictures my fiancé looking fine as all hell, he’s patient and attentive to the kids.. more then usual. I mean full heartedly. He goes and makes it works for all of us and tells me just how amazing he thinks I look and makes us all feel wonderful!
We then head back home to grab everything and head to the messy sand pit party! Where he did just that and went in the sand pit with the kids and went treasure hunting with his son!
Second star of the day.
We then came home where we all napped! The four of us were so exhausted! We got up and ready for supper with our sons mom and step dad at the arcade restaurant! Which went great. Easy conversation, all about our son and just simple good time.
Third star of the day!
We then came home and played as a family, got ready for bed, cleaned and finally put the kids to sleep.
We got to finally be the two of us and talk. I looked in his eyes and seen something I had never seen before. We set up the game, got comfy and as a commercial about a new trophy was playing he pauses and says: “there’s a new hockey trophy! And i got it.” I look at him confused and he explained that I’m his greatest trophy.
Fourth star of the day.
We then cuddle and laugh. He got up when the baby fussed and we finally settle to the game and some candles.
We very slowly started kissing and made love. For the first time in nearly a year. Very slowly very passionate fully felt love making.
Fifth and final gold star of the day! The day was filled with hick-ups, whining, screaming, dragging ourselves through the day at some points because we were starting to get sleepy. So many things and they all happened thanks to him! Our daddy! My man, my world, my best friend, my fiancé! Thank you for everything.
I love you!
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