I have a specific memory of you at around nine years old: you’ve climbed onto the kitchen counter in order to reach the cabinet with the ceramic bowls. The four small boys in the house told you they were hungry, and you don’t know where the adults are, so you’ve gotten to work making some package ramen. You think to yourself that this isn’t fair, and you’re right.
Dear Natalie, now you’re eleven years old and you have a baby sister. You haven’t noticed her crying in her crib over the muffled sound of your mother and stepfather yelling in their room. Your mother comes out and scolds you for preparing your own meal while your sister is clearly in distress. You make it a point to always make sure your younger siblings are fed before feeding yourself. You do not remember that this isn’t fair.
Dear Natalie, you’re in high school and the apartment your family lives in never seems to have enough food in it for long, so you’ve had to get creative with the boxes and cans that the local children’s center gives your family.
Dear Natalie, you’re nineteen and your stepdad cheated on your mom and nothing will ever be the same again.
Dear Natalie, you’re twenty-one and you’re living with your best friend. Her mother has sent the both of you to Florida to experience Disney Land and Universal Studios. It is a trip that you will cherish forever. At one point, you snap at your friend over something small and you can’t forget her face full of hurt. She immediately forgives you, but you will feel bad about this every time you remember that moment. Eventually, she will forgive all the bumps you two face in your friendship. It only occurs to me now that you didn’t know this could happen; that conflicts could be resolved with love and respect, and be used to strengthen a bond instead of snuff it out.
Dear Natalie, you’re twenty-three and living back with your family after your friend had to move. Your brothers are now adults and your sister is living with your mom in Iowa. Your brothers and stepdad don’t seem to be concerned about the lack of food in the house, and you can’t wrap your head around why.
Dear Natalie, it’s the night of your twenty-fourth birthday and you have just seen a woman that will become very important in your life. You feel something click into place and you know that you will see her again. And you’re right.
Dear Natalie, you’re twenty-four and it’s November and that might not be your name anymore. You’ve been in therapy, you’ve been healing, and it seems you’re ready to start tackling this now. You text your girlfriend and she calms you down as you realize some very big things.
Dear Natalie, you’re twenty-five and nothing makes sense anymore.
Dear Natalie, you’re twenty-five and that’s definitely not your name. It never has been. But you don’t know what your name is.
You’re twenty-six and your brothers and stepdad are moving out of the house you all shared since you were 18. Your mom and sister are still in Iowa, and they’re doing so much better than before. Both of them alone, and together, they are healing. You’ve just been fired from the job that you were trying so hard to make work. Your girlfriend is lying next to you, sick with a cold but beautiful as ever, and nothing makes sense but her. And you can feel in your bones that as long as the two of you are together, everything will be okay.
