1. “I’m not dancing in the rain. Why? Because I’m not getting wet and you can’t even dance.”
2. “Canned spaghetti rings is not gourmet. I don’t care what you did in college.”
3. “No cats, no dogs, no ferrets. Just a fish. No that doesn’t mean a frog, turtle, or fucking lizard.”
4. “I don’t wanna go to your moms-s-s.”
5. “We can share the shower, you know that right? It’s actually encouraged at this point.”
6. “Hey, buy me a cookie or no sex for like two years.”
7. “I was gone for two days and every dish in this freakin’ house is dirty.”
8. “All of our white clothes are pink because you just HAD to wash your new tee shirt.”
9. “Have fun explaining to the priest why you have a boner during our wedding class.”
10. “This is my desk. This is my office. This is my space. You’re only allowed in here when you’re sick, so I can keep an eye on you.”
11. “I thought you were drinking water for once…that ended with me choking on vodka.”
12.“Dude, you’re more of a man than me. Wtf.”
13.“Wait, your dad isn’t going to walk you down the aisle with a shotgun?”
14.“Babe, we need to talk. When you cuddle with me, your knee always squashes my junk.”
15.“Your nail polish got all over my Xbox paddle!”
16.“If you want to get to the coffee pot, kiss me and end this war.”
17.“I lock the door every night so no one can steal you from me.”
18.“That’s my ex. Makeout with me and make him jealous.”
19.“Scrape your goddamn plate off BEFORE you put it in the sink!”
20.“YOU USED THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER AND DIDN’T GET ANY MORE?! I AM STRANDED!”
21.“Thanks to you, the whole house smells like Taco Bell.”
“It’ll smell like something different soon, just give it a couple hours.”
22.“You’re my best friend.”
“My dog’s my best friend.”
23.“Did you just poop with the door open?”
24.“I didn’t have any underwear, so I stole yours.”
25.“No, you ARE talented. You’re the only one I know who can lay in bed and watch the same TV show for 47 hours straight.”
26.“Don’t go to work. You’re mine, not theirs.”
“But you don’t pay me to be here?”
“Are you a prostitute?”
27.“My car’s broken, I have to walk to the store.”
“My nephew’s bigwheel is in the garage. Take that, I have.”
28.“It’s just a little cut, don’t worry.”
“No, let me be your doctor.”
*gets peroxide and box of Hello-Kitty Bandaids*
29.“Hey, babe, does my makeup look okay?”
“I like you better without it. But you’re gorgeous, as always.”
30.“Pink and blue only go together if it’s cotton candy. Go change.”
31.“You have a huge job interview. Get dressed, or I’m throwing your PS4 in the pool!”
32.“You drool when you sleep, and I don’t know. I might just go tell everyone if you don’t give it back NOW!”
33.“Baby, I’m sorry. It’s checkers, please talk to me.”
34.“You didn’t text me back, so I checked your Facebook to see if you were dead.”
35.“You made me breakfast? You know our anniversary is in two days right?”
“Fuck. I was pretty fucking close this year”
36.“Rock, paper, scissors to see who gets up and turns off the light.”
37.“Look, cousin Larry will flirt with you. We’re pretty sure he’s got diseases. So if you do cheat on me, you’re fucked.”
38.“I really don’t like it when you get mad and you start mumbling in another language.”
39.“Footy pajamas! Now we can match!”
40.“Oh, so you think you’re a better driver? Prove it?” *lets go of wheel*
41.“You bought tampons when you went shopping? That’s some Prince Charming shit, right there.”
42.“Why aren’t you wearing lipgloss? I like tasting strawberry when I kiss you.”
43.“Can you explain why there are sheets strung up around the apartment?”
“I built a fort.”
44.“You scare me when you watch those cop shows. You could kill me and no one would ever notice.”
45.“Did you just fart?”
“If you want to live, don’t lift the blanket.”
46.“Toast. T-O-A-S-T. Is it that hard to put bread in the toaster?!”
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