My 2nd Blog: The Electric Boogaloo

This is the account/blog that I can post what I really feel without starting a family fued. So basiclly: This blog is in order for me to attempt to keep my mental health somewhat intact, baby!

[electricgalactic1]

Sup bitches. Life update time. Rapid fire edition.

I have a boyfriend, he lives in Turkey.

I’ve realized that I’m gender fluid.

All of the bathrooms in my house are under major construction because of water damage.

I bought a book.

I can’t swallow for some reason.

Still in therapy.

My head hurts.

I’m happy that society as a whole decided that Halloween is now 3 months long, best news all year.

I have a tiktok now, so that’s cool I guess.

[electricgalactic1]

Hey

Hey, it’s been, awhile. I didn’t mean for it to be so long but here we are. In the time I’ve been gone a lot has happened, one of those things is that I realized that I can give more detail than I have in the past since it’s very unlikely that my family will ever find this since they hate tumblr and I know this is never going to blow up. So that being said, this post is going to be an introduction and a somewhat detailed update on what’s going on.

My name is Sara-Aaron, it’s not currently my legal name but I hope to change that once I have to time and money. I live in Colorado and hate it, mainly because of all the bad memories. I’m 18 as of posting this, my birthday is January 13th. I’m in an abusive household that I can’t currently leave, it’s somewhat like Cinderella but without the prince on a white horse and my family claims that we’re biologically related, but I have major doubts. I also have a few major medical problems and a handful of minor ones. I started this blog as a way to vent my problems and maybe meet some new people that I could be open with, as I didn’t have a therapist at the time. 

The update part: Since I last posted on here a lot has happened and this is going to be long even with me not going into a lot of detail and leaving more minor things out, so please stick with me. I don’t remember the date I last posted and I’m not going to check since I’m on a bit of a time limit right now, so I’ll just start with major life changes. In about January-February time the pain in my back from about a year ago now, started to come back, I ignored until late February since I hoped it would go away on it’s own like last time, but it didn’t and got far worse instead. So skipping a bunch of tests, mental breakdowns, and doctor visits, I’m now on a generic form of Cymbalta and have Fibro diagnosis. And since said medication also helps with depression and anxiety, those are better as well. I’m still waiting on some blood work for some hormone stuff since I have a bad case too much god damn body hair for an 18 year old girl.

I’ve also finally after years of begging, now have a therapist. She is absolutely wonderful and is helping me figure out solutions to my problem of not being able to leave. Part of my mental health being better is that I’ve discovered that I don’t know how to handle good emotions. For example my best friend sent me a necklace in the mail and I got overwhelmed with how happy I was (and still kinda am a week later), I started to cry since I’m not used to people getting me things without an angle. (She’s also the only one in my life to respect me on wanting to change my name, she’s the best I swear.)

Good news, yesterday I got all the paperwork done to get an ID, it should be hear within 30 days. Once I get that I can open a bank account, so I can get a PayPal account, so I can make some money. Once all that is setup, I plan to take art commissions and I stream on Twitch sometimes so I hope one day to make some money from that. So, I can start saving money to get out, I’ve been thinking about that van life a lot recently. Granted I still will need to spend some of it since my family will want rent and I need to get somethings, like clothes. I’ll do my best to save up and sneakily buy things that I’ll need to move. Please note that my PFP was drawn 2 to 3 years ago and my art is better now, not perfect but better.

Since I’ve been feeling better, I’ve been able to deep clean the kitchen and get it to a point where my family doesn’t complain about it as much, although they wrecked last night and they’ve moved on to complaining about the bathroom, there’s no winning with these people I swear. I’m now deep cleaning MY bedroom if they like it or not. Feels good.

I still don’t plan on being on here a lot so if for whatever reason you want to contact me, just comment or DM, and I’ll give you my Discord or whatever account works for you, provided I have it.

Oh yeah, on a slightly funny note, I now have Tinder, I go by Sara Aaron on that too. Heh.

[electricgalactic1]

Help!

So, I’ve decided that my situation has evolved past the point where I can simply wait for things to happen. The short of it is, I no longer feel safe where I am. If you have ANY ADVICE for me please tell me. Here’s the run down on what’s going on for those who don’t know:

I’m a 17 (until January 13th) female, I have multiple chronic mental and physical problems, such as a bad knee,autism, and PTSD. I can’t talk to people for any real amount of time or even stand for that long. I’m currently deal with a new stomach problem that isn’t diagnosed because doctor offices in Colorado (where I currently am) aren’t dealing with anything not life threatening.

Here’s why I feel unsafe: My family that I live with is extremely abusive, I have to maintain the house, clean, cook, do school work, gardening, etc. They also blame me for anything that goes wrong in their lives, even if I don’t know what their talking about. They’ve also threatened violence against me, when I was a younger child my parents did beat me from time to time. Things have started getting really tense between all of us and their getting really aggressive, my “mom” has also hinted a couple times about how she has wanted to commit a murder suicide, although that was a few years ago.

I was hoping to be able to make enough money to move out on my own after turning 18 by doing something online, but I feel I’m running out of time in terms of my safety and with all the things I have to do I haven’t been able to build anything to make any money what so ever.

I’m hoping to figure out a way to move to California, my family hates it there and thinks I do as well, so I know they won’t find me there. I want to do it without much trouble and being able to take my stuff. My plan is that I’ll tell them that I’m moving within Colorado and once everything is far enough away, block any form of contact

So, here’s the part that I know is dangerous and slightly embarrassing to ask, if you know anybody who may be willing to help, please get them I contact with me. I know I’ll have to wait until I’m 18 but I at least want to start planning and vetting people. I can’t pay rent or anything but I can cook and clean (including deep cleaning) and I’m willing to pay a reasonable amount of rent once I can as I’m broke as fuck right now.

You can message me here your if you want I can send you something else. And for anybody concerned about me opening myself up for something to happen to me, I’ll do my best to stay safe but my life has been enough of a shit show that it wouldn’t surprise me at this point if I’m found dead in a ditch or something, I’m used to that kind of thing by know.

[electricgalactic1]

So, I'm sick again. Just laid down for a nap. Sorry I haven't been posting, I started a dairy and been doing a lot of the things I would post here, in there. I'll make a post about all the stuff I haven't already told you about when I'm feeling better. Now, on to the weird/sappy stuff that I came here to talk about.

So, when I guess when I'm not feeling good, either physically or mentally, I watch the demo 2 crew launch from SpaceX. I mean there's no moments that would make me want to puke or feel dizzy, unlike some movies/tv shows, hosted by almost only hot people, pretty steady sound levels, and it's long, so I'm not fucking around with remotes, what's not to love. Oh, it also reminds me that if I can hold out long enough, there will be a better tomorrow, that I don't have to pretend that I gave up on my childhood dream of wanting to go to space, to Mars. A dream I had to give up because it didn't look like it was going to happen, at least in my life time. I had given up on the dream that got me through the worst parts of my life, and I got it back just in time. And to think I almost never watched it, now I'm glad I got sick that day, not so glad for the bloody eyeballs and hospital visit though. I hope I can go one day, better start saving up.

Thanks for reading my rant, makes me feel like some cares, or maybe feel the same way. Now I want to know your thoughts on the launch and the future of space travel. Let me know, ok?

[electricgalactic1]

My sister decided to tell me that you can have vomit come from your eyes, this upset me and now I hope it upsets you to.

Probably doesn't help that I was vomiting for about 6 hours straight. My mom was considering taking me to the hospital, I couldn't keep water down. I pulled a bunch of muscles everywhere, including my face. I tore my throat so bad that when I talk my voice randomly will go up multiple octaves and get louder. And I even managed to pop a blood vessel in my eyeball. And that's just the vomiting. It's been a rough day.

[electricgalactic1]

Next step: Project Artemis

Hell yeah.

[electricgalactic1]

So, I'm watching the SpaceX launch. I have been sick (what we're guessing is the flu, and yes I got better and sick again in the span of a week, I'll talk about it later) so I've been puking since about 5 or 6 this morning. I needed something good. So, when my sister said it was happening today I got excited (no I didn't know it was happening at all). So, when I watched a video talking about it, I got so happy I started crying. I love space so much. I hope I can go one day.

[electricgalactic1]

SO

I’m currently crying over ramen in my pj’s because I’m so sick with a possible ear infection I should be in fucking bed resting, but I can’t because I’m the only one with enough self discipline to clean while sick. My “sister” is currently doing better then me but doesn’t have to do anything. I was given a couple of days of rest but I’m only getting worse. I almost had the kitchen clean, I so fucking close. It would’ve been cleaner then it had been in years. Now it’s back to it was a few month ago, an absolute mess. Partly because my “mom” decided to “cook” (she just put ready-to-put-in-the-oven-food in the oven while making the biggest mess I’ve seen when making that kind of food.) I also got 2 goldfish by surprise, the fish tank I have wasn’t ready, so I need to clean that. I also have to clean the litter box of the cats that I hate and hate me, and given my past exp of cleaning the litter box, that might be why I’m sick. Also, since it’s Wednesday, it’s trash day, meaning I have to run around the house getting all the trash bags. I need to vacuum also. Dust. Mop. Clean the mold. Clean the whole bathroom. Weed the Garden. Plant. Water. Make art for a kid I don’t know, I mean she’s adorable and all, but don’t fucking know her or her mom. I still need to finish the art requests I got in SEPTEMBER. We have a massive gnat problem. I need to fill the water filter.

I got a bunch of video games for my birthdays from years past, that I haven’t even touched because this is all the shit I have to do, all, the, fucking, time. I barely even know how to use either the PS3 or PS4 that we have. I have computer games I can’t play because my computer in form the late 2000′s-early 2010′s. I have no idea how I’m going to get a job that can get me out of here. I feel stuck. I need help. I’m losing my shit.

[electricgalactic1]

The past couple of days, to put it simply, have been crazy.

Let’s get the updates on my “mom” and “sister” out of the way. My “mom” has been pretty stable is how crap she feels, if only for the fact that she has a CPAP. And my “sister” keeps getting worse. They went to the hospital yesterday. Here’s how that went: they didn’t ask about any meds she was already taking, resulting in them giving her the same meds she was already taking and weren’t working, they didn’t ask about her pain, even tho she can’t fucking breath. All they did was take an xray, and all that proved was that she doesn’t currently have fluid in her lungs. And it’s not like they where busy, in fact from what I’ve been told, it was dead in there. I hate my “sister” and all, but that shit ain’t right. Good thing I already hate that hospital.

Now, on to me. I believe in tarot cards, make fun of me later. I turn to pick a card readings when I either don’t know how to proceed in life, or I’m extremely bored. I use videos because I don’t know how to read them yet (but I plan to learn soon) and I used to doubt there validity because of how distant they can be. So, I was kinda a mix of the two reasons, and I really needed to clean out my “Watch Later” playlist on YouTube. So, I watch one thinking it would be way off, it wasn’t, so I watch another, the universe is now angry at me for doubting and is now doubling down. This went on for two days before I deiced to truly take it seriously. Yesterday I got some proof. One of the readings said that “in the next 48 hours someone will reach out to you over text to check on you”, my best friend did just that.

So, here’s what I learned from them/got answers for:

I need to figure out how to make money

I need to move out ASAP

I need to cut my family off completely, something I’ve been debating recently

I’m going to find my soulmate if I do these things, possibly this year

Travel is going to be a big thing for me

The number eight is important for something

The letters D and R are also important

I need to make a vision board

I need to quit doubting myself so much

I need to stop procrastinating

I need to believe all this will work out

So, as a result of learning about this and having such a short time span, I’ve been panicking hardcore. Some crying has happened. Mainly because I do have some level of care for my “mom”, even if she doesn’t for me. She’s toxic for me and I’ve had to except that. And since I have to cut all of them out, the only person I have is my best friend, I don’t know if she still wants to move out together, and if she doesn’t, I’ll be in a new state (hopefully) all by myself, kinda scary. The good news is that since my “family” has been out of it for the past week, I kinda know what living alone is like. Now I just have to work out the logistics, which might be why everything else is so damn frighting. I you have any advice please, please, please, let me know.

My chest hurts...

[electricgalactic1]

Soooo, something odd is going on right now. My mom and sister are unofficially sick with Covid (they can't be tested because they don't have a fever, that's the only reason). But, despite my F Tier Immune System ™ I'm fine, or at least as fine as I get. And it's kinda funny since for years I've been saying that if there's ever a pandemic I'd be fine since I get at the drop of a hat. If this changes I'll make another post. Also, we've been in quarantine for a while now, so they most likely haven't spread it to anyone.

Hey, maybe if I somehow am immune to Covid, they can take my blood or something to try and find a cure or something. That'd be awesome. So, I guess I can't kill myself anymore, since I like helping people and shit.

(I won't be surprised if it's only because I clean a lot and am a massive germophobe.)

[electricgalactic1]

So, this morning I woke up to: finding out the power went out at some point after 4 or 5, resulting at me look at my old ass clock very confused. And immediately after that, my dad, who I haven't heard from directly in over a year, sent me a text gaslighting me. Over a comment I posted on Facebook on a post he made awhile ago. Been a busy morning, haven't been up for 30 minutes.

[electricgalactic1]

So, today I decided to dive head first into my insomnia. And honestly, I'm totally just vibing right now. Feels good man, even if it is almost 3am. I don't care for once.

[electricgalactic1]

Me: I need to make banana bread soon.

Mom: First you need to clean the kitchen enough to cook in there.

Me: *rolls eyes*

Mom: Yeah, get huffy with me. It's been 6 months.

Me in my head: WELL MAYBE IF I GOT SOME FUCKING HELP FOR ONCE! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLEANED ANYTHING IN THIS GOOD AWFUL HOUSE?!? YOU LET MY SISTER SIT ON HER ASS ALL DAY! AND YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE! NOT TO MENTION, YOU'RE BREAKING QUARANTINE BY GOING TO THE STORE! FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS HOUSE. FUCK THIS STATE. AND FUCK THIS FAMILY. I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT AND TO ANOTHER STATE AND NEVER TALK TO YOU PEOPLE AGAIN! MY PLACE IS GOING TO BE FUCKING CLEAN AND YOURS IS GOING TO BE A PIG PEN.

[electricgalactic1]

So, why I think I'm adopted.

1) I don't really look like my family. I'm a lot paler, I have a different eye color that my mom keeps making to stories for, and different medical problems that no one else has.

2) When I make jokes or talk about adoption at all they act weird, but when my sister does their fine with it.

3) They can't keep their stories straight. There's too many so I'll make more posts on it.

4) There's this random guy who pops up in my memories and when I bring him up, my mom looks upset/panicked that I remember him and says she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

5) She treats my sister way better than me.

6) She has a folder filled with paperwork about me, she never let's me see it.

7) She seems sketched out when someone mentions a DNA test. Not to see if I'm related, but for medical problems/fr fun.

8) Not so much a point but a concern. She mentioned that some of my paperwork is "fake". I only heard through over hearing through a door, she doesn't know I know. I think I may have been kidnapped. She also acts weird about jokes/references to that, again only regarding me. Not the way one would expect a parent thinking about their kid being kidnapped, like she acted like she was defending herself. At one point I think she may have even defended someone who kidnapped a baby to rise it.

I'm really worried about and it gets worse by the day. I almost don't want to know if I am or not. I have seen my birth certificate, but you get a new one when you get adopted, and it's the only piece of paperwork I've seen.

[electricgalactic1]

So, just a little bit ago, my mom thought it was time to give me a lecture. It went something like this, "What did you do to upset your sister?!? I know when you complain about your sister I gaslight you but you must be the one in the wrong!!! Also, you need to leave your room and be around your abusive family for at least 5 minutes a day!!! You're sisters suicidal so you need to watch her to make sure she's ok, I never make sure you're ok when your suicidal so you no longer tell me, but we need to make sure the only person who I give a shit about is ok!!! I'm trying to get us through this without anyone killing themselves!!!" Bitch. You and my sister are the 2 worst things in my life rn. Don't tempt me, I'm already thinking about it. Also, my sister is 18 she don't we her little sister to take care of her. She just mad that I don't like her or want anything to do with her! She's only tried to ruin my life repeatedly. Maybe she is suicidal. I know it's bad to say, but I Don't. Give. A. Shit. Neither of you give a shit when I attempt. You don't even take me to the hospital. Why should I care? Also, the only reason I don't leave my room, is because you lot are unbearable on a good day. I said it on Reddit and I'll say it here: I don't think I'll make it to 18 years old. Also, after this post I'm going to make another about how I'm pretty sure I'm adopted.

[electricgalactic1]

My family disgusts me. Since I’m apparently the only one in a house of 6 people who knows how to clean with any real success, the bathroom only gets cleaned once a week, we have dirty dishes that are over a year old, floors that rarely get cleaned, a litter box that always smells (right in-front of my bedroom), everything is covered in dust, dirty windows, overgrown grass, weeds, dog shit from a dog that is now dead and has been for months, we have boxes from when we moved here 10 years ago that haven’t been unpacked (which has it’s own problems which is a story for another day), DVDs that haven’t been put away that where taken out years ago, I do my own laundry on Sundays and I know that the others don’t always get theirs done, we’ve had repeated rat problems, and when the trash starts to over flow I’m the only one willing to take it out on any other day that isn’t trash day. Granted that half of the people live here are mostly separate from the rest of us, but they have the same problems. I’m expected to keep our half of the house clean, top to bottom, all by myself, while my sister who actually has a mostly intact immune system, sits on her ass and watches YouTube videos, plays video games, and talks to her shitty friends. I have a very weak immune system, in-fact I’m sick right now, I’m also in high-school, my room is a mess and I don’t have time to clean it because I have to babysit my family. I want to leave this place and never come back, I want to cry, I want to sleep, I want to die. All I do is clean since I’m home schooled, I only have like 2 friends, one of which I haven’t seen since 2016 and the other friend, it’s been over a year, I have the kind of problems where it’s gonna be hard if not impossible to get a job, much-less keep it. This folks, is one of the many reasons I want to fucking kill myself and I can’t tell anybody, because when I ask for help or even vent to MY MOTHER, I’m “cold", “on your period”, or “we all have problems”. I have to tell my mom with a smile on my face, what a good mom she is, and it isn’t your fault mom, you have work, your a single mom now (even tho she was this way before my parents go divorced). It gets better! If my sister has a problem, it’s my fault. “Look at her, you made her cry!” Bitch, all I did was tell her that she needs to help sometimes. I’m younger then her, in-fact I’m the youngest one in the whole house! Why is any of this my problem to deal with? Why do feel it’s ok to ask an almost 17 year old autistic girl (me) for money, I don’t have a way to make money, why are you asking me to help figure out your taxes, insurance, or just any of this! I don’t know how any of this works! You never taught me. My mom and sister get to have friends and get money to hang out with those friend regularly. Me? Though luck, we barely have enough for bills and food. You have medical problems for years that have never been addressed until it’s almost killing you? Too bad! Your sister needs a, not at all required for her have a good life, eyeball surgery! You just sit there, with ear pain, knee pain, constant infection, a blood condition, kidney pain, back pain, and the list goes on. I mean, I’m only 16, all these problems I’ve had for years is nothing, even tho I’ve never lied about these kinds of things before, you surely are blowing it out of proportion!     My current life in a nutshell.

[electricgalactic1]

So, my aunt made “French Bread Casserole”. And now I am very sad. It’s so, and I hate using this word, moist.