I Play The French Whorn

||Bailey||don't even know what this blog has become||you could say I'm aesthetically attracted to everyone||22||she/her

[sheruxi-deactivated20220127]

little mermaid au jikook!

i imagine jimin wakes up to see a hot merman then promptly faints again

[incorrect-into-the-spiderverse]

Miles, meeting Ham for the first time: Ok, but why do you sound like John Mulaney?

Ham: *Small chuckle as he moves towards Miles*

Ham: *Whispering into Miles’ ear* You shut your fucking mouth.

[theshitneyspears]

If Glee was still airing they would’ve done an episode where Kurt becomes a Drag Queen but gets rejected from RuPaul’s Drag Race so they cheer him up by doing a mash-up of Purse First and Thank U, Next

[dct239394cvvd098dffgggp]

peter, who can lift up to 10 tons in canon, carrying an elephant in his arms: this is my new pet

tony, losing all color in his face: okay okay cool cool okay cool oka

[dct239394cvvd098dffgggp]

peter: *drops his backpack on the floor*

concrete: *cracks*

tony, whispering: what the fuck.

[dct239394cvvd098dffgggp]

tony: you can lift up to 10 thousand kilograms? thats like-

peter, thinking about his abandoned nintendogs: almost enough to lift the weight of my sins, yes

tony:??????

[dct239394cvvd098dffgggp]

thor: what is this child doing on the battlefield

peter: *picks up the hulk, yeets him 700mph at a flock of aliens* ANGERY SHREK ATTACK

thor: …….nvm

[dutchster]

[eveshka]

Chosen.

[elionking-deactivated20191020]

If this were to happen to me i would burst into tears

[booblessgoddess]

My brother just sent me this on snapchat I can’t fucking stop laughing this is so stupid I hate him

[idloveitifimadeit-deactivated20]

my last two brain cells are just John Mulaney and Bo Burnham

[theradiointukyshead]

a kickstarter for Cards Against Humanity - John Mulaney extension pack

Black Cards:

Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell ___.

I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I am ___.

I’ll keep ___ right here and then one day I’ll die.

Buy ___. Engraved, question mark?

There’s ___ loose in a hospital.

This is ___. Could be a nursery.

I gave you ___ and you gave me ___ and then we called it a day.

Because we’re ___ and life is a fucking nightmare.

My wife is ___ and I like her so much.

I’m very gay. I’d like ___.

The bread of God is ___. He will bring us ___.

Is it ___ or is it ___? That’s up to ye.

College is just ___ and they’re like, “Partial credit,” and that’s like the whole thing.

___ might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird.

White Cards:

A sea of drunken toddlers

7 What’s New Pussycats followed by 1 It’s Not Unusual

A hundred year-old blind dog who’s texting and driving while drinking a smoothie

A 28-year-old healthy man trying his best

One black coffee

Playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles

[sustained groaning] yknow, life?

STREET SMARTS!

The moral backbone of a chocolate eclair

One word at a time with verbal abuse

Snorting cocaine the night before college graduation

A hundred and twenty thousand (120,000) dollars

Being so horny and angry all the time and having no outlet for it

A tall child

A high-waisted man with feminine hips

Delta Airlines

Anyone who has seen my dick and met my parents

Going down on some rocking twink

An on fire garbage can

Doing white people stuff in Connecticut

One pre-Y2K asshole

Our nation’s No Snitchin’ policy

Such 19-year-old horseshit

Throwing pedophiles off their rhythms

Probably HPV. Probably.

[husband]

Oh, I get it. You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies? Or like when someone smokes too many cigarettes? Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards? Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake? Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up? Executive Producer: Dick Wolf.

[robbyrobinabitch]

This

Has the same energy as this

[darkmoron]

The bathroom at work has a motion sensor light that turns off every 30 seconds so every time I try to take a fucking shit at work I gotta have a rave party with my arms while sitting my ass on the toilet or else I’ll just sit in pitch blackness

[darkmoron]

THIS IS LITTERALLY HOW I BE SHITTING AT WORK

[sevens-evan]

since “what are those” exists in the marvel universe, it’s safe to assume that vine does as well. the “it is wednesday my dudes” vine was posted in 2015, and civil war was released in 2016, so it can be argued that the vine has an entirely new layer of comedy in the marvel universe, as spiderman didn’t exist when the vine was posted, and the man in the vine is just wearing a bizarre costume with no cultural meaning or reference. it can be concluded that peter parker designed his costume based off the “it is wednesday my dudes” guy. in this essay i will—

[broadwaytheanimatedseries]

OP. W H E R E ’ S T H E E S S A Y

[thedeactivateddeactivated]

[hope-crest]

me: wow things are actually going really well for once!

the crippling anxiety, waiting in the corner:

[heathens-and-kings]

“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.

A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of hot wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.

I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my head and I growled,

“I am the manager.”

[owawaaa]

a thing for one of my favorite posts on this site

[thejusticethatissocial]

on one hand this is hysterically funny, but on the other someone’s gonna get lit on fire or blown up at this rate lmao

[overpricedvodka]

Random Question: Why aren't Kansas and Arkansas pronounced the same way?

Answer: English vs. French.

Kansas was named by English speakers after the Kansa tribe of Native Americans. You can have one Kansa or you can have lots of Kansas, and the “s” is pronounced in English.

Arkansas was named by the French after the Quapaw tribe. The French were told of this tribe by Algonquin guides who referred to them as “akansa” so the plural would be “akansas” with the “s” being silent because it’s French. It took years for the spelling to settle (Arkanceas, Akansas, and Arkancas were all in the running at various points) and people eventually settled on Arkansas.