eliana's journal

i write... sometimes

[thoughtkick]

“I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.”

— Charlotte Eriksson, Empty Roads & Broken Bottles

[elianasjournal]

do you ever get tired of not being enough for someone?

I always feel tired but I try to understand that not because I feel that way it means it’s the truth. Some days are better than others.

I hope you’re okay and soon understand you’re loved. You’re not alone 💜

[elianasjournal]

——————————————. trauma, journal entry.

dealing with trauma is scary…

you find new triggers every day and start remembering things you didn’t know happened.

it happens in the most ordinary things.

you’re just folding your clothes, you smell something weird and you get a flashback that destroys you.

next thing, you’re crying hugging the walls because nobody is there to hold you.

nobody is there because nobody knows what you’re dealing with.

———. unreleased, eliana.

[perfeqt]

“I need to stop imagining situations in my head that aren’t going to happen.”

— Unknown

[elianasjournal]

“Human beings are love and hate merged, but somehow hate always gets to win”

———. unreleased, eliana.

[elianasjournal]

—————————————————– hurting, journal entry.

I’m sitting alone, letting my mind wander in time…

did I ever notice when I started hurting myself? I don’t think I know.

I think I forgot the first time I started tearing myself down with my insecurities. Now they became a habit.

Sometimes it seems easier to love someone else than our own selves, but love is fake when we can’t even feel love for ourselves, isn't it?

I can no longer love because loving hurts.

I guess I’d rather not love at all, because if I love, I hurt, and I don’t want anyone to suffer because of me, I’d rather hurt me instead because I’m mine, and I know how much pain my body can handle. Though it scares me, because I know that if I hurt myself, nobody would know so nobody would help, because I’d said I’m fine and make it a day… but I’m not fine, I need help.

Sometimes the words “you make me happy” bring shivers through my body. How can I make someone happy? Why can’t they be happy for themselves?

Relying on me or anybody for happiness would only cause them pain because I’m just a human being. I can make mistakes, I can hurt, I can disappoint… I will hurt them.

I don’t want to drift apart from anybody because of that. I want to inspire and help, but I also want them to know that they can do that for themselves as well…

I wish I could say the same to myself. I wish I could help myself, but sometimes I don’t even think about myself at all.

——————————————————————–.

This entry was written as an interpretation of the song "Promise" by Park Jimin.

This is an original post made by me, with entertaining purposes only. Do not copy, or claim as your own.

[thehopefulquotes]

“She doesn’t want to hear that she is flawless. She wants to hear that she is loved regardless of her flaws.”

— charmingwinds (via thoughtkick)

[thehopefulquotes]

“When I say, I love you, it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.”

— Joss Whedon

[ocean-of-curiosity-deactivated2]

REMINDER

Don't be sad for those people, who don't even feel your absence!!

[elianasjournal]

I always thought the only way I could stop bothering people with my existence was by just stop living. I thought the problem was me. “If I leave, then they will be happier”

Thinking about others’ happiness would make me happy but would also make me want to end me.

I was decided that was my destiny.

Now I just realize the only way I could be happier without bothering anybody is by just moving out. I’m not the problem, it’s them. They make me unhappy, they make me want to stop living.

I don’t care about their happiness more than I care about mine. No. I’m just as important, maybe even more.

———-. eliana, unreleased.

[elianasjournal]

Peace

Today I feel light

Too light I can’t feel my body

I run through the wind

Sun touches my skin

But I don’t feel pain

.

Today my soul left my body

I felt it slowly ascending to the clouds

I could smell my mother’s food from the distance

and I suddenly felt sad

I’m going to miss it so bad

.

Today all my fears disappeared

I felt relieved, so I cried

I cried so much it started raining

I saw my mom with her umbrella coming to see me

But I’m no longer there, I’m here far away

.

Today I let myself leave this world

Without saying goodbye,

I flew along with the birds

Who greeted me with joy

Now I’m at peace.

----------. a poem by eliana, unreleased.

[elianasjournal]

"Looking for answers when there aren't any, but we still learn. Isn't that what life is about?" - Kim Namjoon, 2017.

[poetry-siir]

“I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favourite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.”

—

[elianasjournal]

"I feel like this is my fate. This is how I’m supposed to be, and maybe this is how it is going to end. I’m supposed to help people, but nobody helps me because they’ll just assume I’m fine."

----------. eliana, unreleased.

[meenieso]

tell me why do i keep holding on when all you bring me are tears and pain

[elianasjournal]

"I decided to live my life to the fullest and work hard to give myself the life I deserve. - I gave up on giving up"

-------. eliana, unreleased.

[elianasjournal]

——————————————————————————– my future, a thought.

Sometimes I worry about my future but I don't share it with anyone... I fear they might say the things they always say "don't give up, you got this", but the thing is I don't want to give up and sometimes that isn't the problem... the problem is me.

The person I'm going to be, what if I turn to be bad, evil... what if I'm good, so good that I become naive and easy to manipulate.

What if I stay the way I am now? I like myself but people seem to always have a problem with the way I am.

Is it my audacity of standing up for myself no matter who is in front of me, or is it the way I think about people and rights... is it my liberalism? my feminism? what is it?

I wonder what the future has for me, but also if I had the opportunity to know what will happen, I will not take the chance. I'd rather not know.

The future is scary, especially when I don't even know if I have a future at all...

——————————————————————–. an original by eliana.

This is an original post written by me, with entertaining purposes only. Do not copy, or claim as your own.