“Why do you hate men so much?”
I get messages about this with aggravating frequency, and since my tried and true method of rolling my eyes and ignoring them hasn’t solved things yet, I figured I would address it here this once:
I do not hate men. I do not think all men are awful. I do not believe every man is a monster actively prowling the streets, looking for a way to ruin the lives of everyone around him. I do not believe the lives of men are perfect and that they never experience suffering. I do not think women are perfect angels who are incapable of doing wrong. I do not think only women are harmed by the patriarchy, or gender roles, or societal double standards. I do not think men always hurt women and that women are incapable of hurting men.
I also do not have to preface everything I say with those statements.
When someone says, “I love cats!” we do not expect them to follow it up with, “but I recognize that some cats are not as great as others and that some cats can be mean or difficult, and that there are people out there who have been hurt by cats in the past, and people with cat allergies, and also this goes for dogs and all other animals.”
When someone says, “Oh, I got food poisoning from that place,” we do not demand, “Are you sure you got food poisoning? Have you ever had food poisoning before? Maybe you just don’t know what food poisoning is like. I’ve never personally gotten food poisoning there, so it sounds like you overreacted. Are you trying to get attention? Or a free meal? What did you order? Did you give them strange cooking instructions? You know you could be ruining this restaurant forever by falsely accusing them of giving you food poisoning. Plenty of restaurants have never given anyone food poisoning. Do you just hate restaurants?”
If a person makes a complaint about the behavior of a group of people with societal privilege that you might belong to (cisgendered men, white people, straight people, able-bodied people, etc) and your instinctive reaction is to think, “How can you say that? I’m not like that! People I know aren’t like that!” it can be helpful to instead stop and think: “have I exhibited this behavior?”
If the answer is no, you can rest-assured that they are probably not talking about you, especially if they are a complete stranger on the internet, and then you can read about their experience without having to get defensive. You might learn something about a perspective different from your own.
If the answer is yes, you can think, “well, shit, how do I do better in the future?” and do your best to put those thoughts into action, and then you can read about their experience without having to get defensive. You might learn something about a perspective different from your own.
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