ELITE V entries: by Selina Kyle
The Stages
This story is not going to break anyone’s heart.
This story is not what you think it is.
This story is just a story.
Have you ever heard about The Stages of Grief? If you haven’t, I’m going to tell you that there are some theories that use five, seven, and nine stages. Well, for me, five is too little and nine is too much. Nobody wants to move on that fast unless you’ve never loved your ex at all. And nobody wants to keep in the same old love for too long.
I know that losing is a devastating experience for someone to feel, although such feeling can be vanished with some help. Everybody agrees that moving on needs a certain period and that it might vary from one person to another. I, too, am still having a difficulty overcoming my own stages of grief.
I can still remember the time when I was so depressed. It took me about a year and half to finally understand that everything won’t come back for good.
Shock and Denial attacked me when the love melted away from his eyes. Just like what I heard from a movie, “The eyes, chico. They never lie.” Ah... if only I could meet that chico in real life, I would say, “That’s true, chico. His eyes said so.”
Pain and Guilt embraced me when he walked away. I tried to run, but the more I chased, the more he moved. Holy moly, I knew he was such a runner, but I did not expect a movement like that.
Anger and Bargaining appeared when I heard a rumor about him seeing another girl. It knocked the shit out of me as I begged him to come back. How can this happen to us? Why us? It’s not fair. We were in love. <i>Please listen to me</i>
I was helpless and I had no idea that he would move on that fast. Was he faking all those romance with me? That was quite a show honestly.
Of course, Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness came afterwards. I had a serious problem with sleeping for months. I visited the psychiatrist for a therapy, but the nightmare was still haunting me every night. I screamed, I wept, and I isolated myself. My lonely heart could not stop mourning even if my close friends and my parents were there. I questioned many things about fate. Alas, the answers were vague as always.
I, then, realized that I had turned myself into a monster. I was the one who let depression consume the half of me. I was the one who let the devil whisper a suicidal thought. I was fighting with myself. Eventually, the upward turn happened when I was a little calmer and organized. I slightly began to lift my chin and smile. People told me that I have been missed. I sincerely thanked them and cried. As I become more functional, my mind started working again. I started to reconstruct and and work through everything by looking at realistic solutions. At this point, I should have arrived at the last stage of grief. However, was I really moving on?
I met a guy out of my desperation, but I can assure you that it was not a bad call at all. His name was Meijer and I met him through an online dating site. Yes, I threw myself into an online dating site because everybody has their own way to fill the void inside. Besides, that guy listened to the same music as I did. He got a pair of doe eyes in a color of dark walnut. Strong cheekbones and a blade of nose were also perfectly engraved by the Almighty. And most importantly, he talked to me with that fruity voice.
My friends approved his presence in my life. They said that he is going to be good for me and that we looked good together. He was perfect, flawless, or so they said.
By the time we were together, he never failed me. He was still talking with the same excitement as if we met for the first time. He told me that he was on cloud nine after we had our first kiss. He showed me the love that I was wishing for. Meijer was the best guy I’ve ever met, and I am thankful for that. It was like God granted one of my wishes. Then again, was I really moving on?
I knew Meijer was in love with me. I knew he put so much effort to cheer me up. I also knew that he worried much about my depression although I’ve never told him the real reason until now. Yet, I believe that loving a broken girl is difficult. That’s why I told Meijer that we should stop seeing each other after a lot of considerations. I was indeed being rude and selfish. Well, even keeping him beside me would not make any difference because I thought… I thought I have already accepted the previous lost and the hope to start a new chapter with him. I thought I made it to the very last stage.
Frankly my dear, I did not fake my happiness when I called his name—his name, his name, and only his name. I told Meijer many times that I truly love his name. And when he asked me why, I said the name was unique. Little did he know that I was thinking of another Meijer while calling him.
I would be lying if I said that Meijer's name was not the reason why I approached him in the first place. It was all because of my stupid assumption that I would find another Meijer in him. In fact, such assumption had me trapped in an unclear stage. I was faking it until I made it. I was lying to everyone as I deceived my mind.
I should admit that I still think of another Meijer in him. I was secretly hoping of a smile like home whenever Meijer turned his face after I called him. He smiled, but that was not the smile of my Meijer. Oh, my Lord, his smile was perfect, so flawless. But I am not impressed. I want the other Meijer back.
Now that I have ended my relationship with both Meijers, I'm aware that I have not yet arrived in the final stage. But I swear that I'm still moving on. For me, moving on does not mean completely forgetting. I'm not defending myself here. Sometimes, I smile whenever the name of Meijer is mentioned. I mean, there are a lot of people who have Meijer as their name as well. I also gaze at his picture whenever it accidentally appeares out of nowhere, and I’ve always enjoyed the view.
I realized that I could never erase everything completely. But I live my life, you know. My earth is still spinning on its own axis. I still wake up in the morning, improve myself and my personality, socialize with my friends, be active in any activity, until I go back to sleep and do the same routine in the next day. See? I am literally moving, right?
Indeed, my decision to find a replacement for another Meijer was wrong. Instead of accepting the new affection, I was just spinning around in one stage. Both Meijers were playing the biggest part in my life. But I cannot control another guy to keep me living in utopia and manipulate everyone around me. I must find my own happiness without sacrificing another existing Meijer. That way, I will not only complete my stages of grief, but also love myself more. It is all in my hand.
The stages of grief seem impossible to do. Once you go for the wrong step, you can hurt anyone’s feeling or even yourself. But life is all about trials and tribulations and going back to scratch is not an embarrassing thing to admit. Last but not the least, if anyone asks whether I am still moving on or not? The answer is yes, I still am.
I just happened to accept reality.
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