Graffiti In My Head

[elixirhipster]

[elixirhipster]

[elixirhipster]

[elixirhipster]

Makeup shoot @Lo_cayne

[kushandwizdom]

I live for the day when Black Women can be passionate without being labelled “angry” or “aggressive”

- Meggan Roxanne

[radicaldetroit]

Model: @elixirhipster 

Shot by: @ozikamikaze 

[elixirhipster]

Self Appreciation Post 💕

[elixirhipster]

Haunted Struggles

A creature that swallowed itself

hoping to manifest a new life once again;

The relinquishing of halfway feelings &

absolute darkness

I’ve loved you as hard as I possibly could

Still building a wall, steadily adjoining

reality and maybes

chasing a boy into a pit of foreign

familiarity and desires. 

We made a thing. Engulfed in a world I

never wanted you to see, or die in, the

life you never got to live

I’ve loved you as softly as nightmares

come & go...

and the being inside forced me to look

beyond my selfishness, you were the

subject of all fears

I could never picture being the perfect

mother to you, but

I pictured you being so perfect in everyone’s eyes

and this will soon embody a scheduled

memory I have to keep replaying

A feeling I have to endure

A taste I have to digest

I should be welcoming anew.

Instead, I am covering a chapter of

mistakes like a sheet of fresh snow

I never got to love you as hard as I loved

your father....

[elixirhipster]

Devil’s Playground Pt. 1

I am gonna one day write the

anxiety away................its been 5 years.

something inside has awakened 

the idle mind

encapsulating the very thing she

treasures, and despises.

My struggles doesn’t seem as familiar

as yours, and 

every single time the topic of mental equality arises,

you scoff at my pain, my anxiety grows 

deeper, wishing things was easier to explain

if you was right in front of my face instead of a distant lover.

and you still can’t figure out why this is no more ...

Everyday I grow uncomfortable,

this feeling itching away, tearing pieces of my spirit,

maybe this is the signal to

finally walk away,

from a familiar disposition, maybe this is indeed the final form.

Self acceptance and that forgiveness shit they talk about on twitter.

either way, having to feel the same sense of discouragement eats 

at you.

like rotten soil struck by pure hands, 

I could never build you into something precious.

Anxiety wont even allow me to close the floodgates of sadness manually.

[elixirhipster]

Self-appreciation post🥳

[elixirhipster]

An Ode To SELF.

I never told you I love you girl.

and all your ambiguities, and all your flaws, and all the crazy shit

we got into.

All the times you’ve looked in the mirror and saw somebody you didnt recognize,

I love you for finding that soul you hide from so much.

I never forgave you babygirl.

all the talks you’ve given others,

all the potential lives you’ve saved,

all the tears you’ve wiped in private,

I never loved you queen.

the accomplishments you’ve made,

I never told you it was okay to

feel,

you woke up with so many reasons to keep going

when the world told you to die,

and for that, I never told you everything was gonna be alright.

Look how far you came queen,

the night shifts you hated, the long nights of needing strength and 

you made your own.

I never saw you for the person everyone else saw,

the smiles you’ve placed on others faces,

the love you’ve shown to others with nothing in return,

times when they wanted to give up and you aint let em.

I never thanked you honey,

for the relationships you’ve grown from.

and I dont ever want it to be too late

to love me for 

who I am.

[elixirhipster]

too broken 4 me 2 fix

for all the chaos that I’ve faced

its like

my life is a nightmare

trapped inside a documentary

only thing she ever

seemed to want,

is love.

Materializing everything at once?

always been my flaw. I never been the one

to tell you how i really felt, all the time. Sadness and all

I miss who i was too.

You shoulda been the only one to ever see me cry. You shoulda been the one to make all the demons go away. Cus i know you KNOW how that

Feels.

You should been the only man i ever wrote about

Are you even real?

Cus I’ve never written about you until now.

4 years later...it’s effortless how these words of disappointment come together. failed fake love episodes

stolen moments that shoulda been shared with you

Most likely will share this position alone.

Trying to capture the excuses I’ve made up

it never seems to benefit me ....lying to myself

To cope with loneliness.

I got caught slipping

loving too many people

At once.

Life appeared wonderful

when you living in a fantasy eh?

I was 19 when i

acknowledged how severely this

depression grew

Once a poetic soul

turned a fake lover

A selfish listener

A beautiful monster

A pacifying list

A woman stuck on imaginary apologies

A child growing off familiar abuse

A student of the game

A naive follower to the streets

A mother to the art of giving up.

somehow i still run into people that choose to love me anyway.

And i fumble the ball. Every. Single. Time.

You would applaud the thought of such oddities.

I’ve always questioned it.

Down the line i wanna see myself

be a completely fixed package of the person i once was.

[elixirhipster]

Repetition - Choices Pt. 2

You can pray all damn day over the

same beliefs in false perceptions .. but karma will never allow a blessing to manifest

that ain’t yours.

and year after year i never

Seem to get it.

I keep having the same visions

of the same hurt

Until i had to self reflect and think

“What am i really chasing?”

It’s evident this “liking” or “crush” has taken its toll

and the manifestation simply, ain’t for me. Maybe a better version of myself hasn’t conceptulized

And somewhere deep down, i don’t want it to. Maybe I’m scared of growth

Maybe I’m scared to truly give myself again. Even though, everybody wants to be loved. Apart of that struggle separates theory from depression for me

Sometimes i don’t wanna feel. I just wanna fuck.

Sometimes i don’t want you, i just want the fast food version.

I denounced the previous ambiguities

Simply off lack of understanding

And too much wine.

You could never afford the love my ambition comes with.....

Maybe this is a diss track...

A mere hate poem to someone who disappointed me yet again.

But that’s the choice i have to live with, right?

[elixirhipster]

Love T. K. O.

tryna take control over

my stupid little lady emotions. 

not allowing”love” to make you appear to me as authentic

I did the others the same, and somehow you’ve never felt like that.

do not let me fall victim of 

your charisma, that smile, the eyes that I can never look away from, the command you steal without warning, god’s work of a man sat before me unbeknownst to the quivers, I’m tryna ignore my obvious obsession.

and every poem here was always about pain;

But why do you bring me so much happiness

when I can’t know you right now?

why do we always lose sense of time? 

why do our eyes lock and chills

follow behind

a fragile soul I’ve become out of admiration in being a hopeless romantic, I hope you aren’t one of

those temporary fixes life throws at me to suffice for all the good

I’ve given

times like this it seems like you feel what I’m referring to,

then again, I’m usually day dreaming when I picture a different circumstance

of “we”.

Before its too late, I should catch myself......

think I better let it go

[elixirhipster]

Fools Gold

I don’t care.

About you being there.

Over there. Stay on the fence of disloyalty.

You got a dangerous vibe enveloped in insecurities

And while my flaws never screamed louder than yours

My love for you sat & spoiled and i walked away with a broken ego

I had to sprout from the dark mindset of loneliness

It took so many long nights of confusion to realize the strength to forgive was within

Yet, the same laughter from my faults came from the other side.

He played games with this friendship as if it was here for eternity

Like the keyboard of life, those notes never sung so loudly,

his fingers never touched the bad signs of

Love so gently and i .....was too caught up in saving you i couldn’t even see myself.

I woulda lied for you.

And cry for you.

And died for you.

And held you too

But i was the villain.

I held this inside.

4 years thinking i was forever golden.

4 years of being a well known fool.

[elixirhipster]

The Other, Other Night

with the same ambiguity found along common uncertainty I admire you. the other night you gave me slight access to the peak of your iota, still I enjoyed the moment. We didn’t catch vibrations until you penetrated my spot gently awakening the soft core of my moans. I’ve never experienced how sensual and rapid the bait could be, all she anticipated was the sunrise with you, and here he came, under the 5 seductive twinkles of something I wish I forseen. But you got your questions answered, and no I’m not a cancer but i can be the healer of all your past projections.

[elixirhipster]

The Last 6 Months of My Love-Life

Ain’t no way my thoughts roam this late

With all the wonders escalating this hate

Depending on how long it’ll take you to love me, my age shows no substitute for growth.

And all I️ had to show, was taken away by some small hint of narcissism.

It’s in the way of all my flings.

It’s in the darkness hiding away from me

Until my most vulnerable moments show my naivety.

I️ should let you go, and remove this attachment but my Love is more careless than others

Selfishly unaware, and I’ve always wanted my lust before what I️ deserve.

Undeniably the strongest force defeating me, traveling in a higher abyss, make a home with someone who sees above you

Why does all the faces I️ love cry out with rejection?

They have no remorse for my dependency of hope and

I️ once believed in you, but then you began to turn the season of misunderstanding into a familiar channel

Forcing me to remember all the trials & tribulations

I️ am trying to observe my own transparency.