eliza wuz here

eliza | she/her | writer & multifandomer https://instalink.at/out/277

[peekingboo]

[casualphoenix]

THIS IS FUCKING WITH MY BRAIN

[study-hard-be-evil-loki]

reblogging to fuck with someone else. 

[dinkyrattlesnake]

I thought my phone fucked up

[passionpeachy-deactivated202312]

I THOUGHT THIS FUCKING SITE BROKE AGAIN

[thr0atmistress-deactivated20191]

What the fuck

[rainbow-unicorn-monkeyballs-dea]

Bruh STAAAHHPP

[elizathe-creator]

i thought tumblr was doing one of those fucking,, tumblr lab things sksk

[elizathe-creator]

rip stan lee. i just found out about his death and i’m just so numb. he inspired me to take up drawing, worldbuilding, and creative outlets. I grew up reading marvel comics with flashlights under my bed covers and on long car rides. he truly impacted me and so many others with his tales, his pen, and his unwavering spirit. may he rest somewhere where he can see his stories keep coming to life, again and again.

[all-things-comedy]

[snulbug]

the whole concept of a weird crush or ugly hot is so cowardly ALL crushes are weird and ALL ugly people are hot

[stimman3000]

.

[magnumpicactus-deactivated20230]

somebody tell me wtf this is

[aaronbuzz]

@magnumpicactus the sand is on top of really hot coal and is pretty much boiling. The dude is dragging the pot of coffee on it to boil it. Its a traditional turkish way to make turkish coffee and its really good.

[elizathe-creator]

sometimes you’re the toxic friend - an honest talk about identity, mental health, and friendship.

TW: reference to religion, mental health issues, familial issues, etc.

OK.

As of right now, I am writing this from my mom’s computer (I know) bc of my current electronic issues, so I’ll make this shorter than I would probably like. I just really, really need to get this off my chest. I’m going to be discussing problems and issues that are really close to me and I’m going to be 100% honest in what I say. At times this might make me look really bad, but I promise you, I’m just a kid who made a couple of mistakes and wants to talk about how I’m making them right. The things I’ve done do not make me who I am, so DONT JUDGE PLEASE. And also, it would be wise to check the FAQ at the end of the post before you start reading if you want some questions answered. Thank you for your time, and here it goes.

I fucked up today. Like, pretty bad.

I was in class and having a semi aggressive discussion with a friend of mine over God and his existence and Pascal’s wager, etc. Me and my friend have these kind of debates all the time; sometimes they’re funny and joking, sometimes they’re serious. Today it was both. You see, we see it as funny and venting, since we are both teetering on the edge of agnostic and atheist. I was aware that two other people at my table, both friends, were there but I assumed they were talking about singing or something like that. (They’re both amazingly talented musicians - I’m highkey jealous of them.)

I hear something from one of my friends and turned to them, assuming that they were joining the discussion. Then, my heart sank.

I forgot that the girl to my left was a Christian, actually someone I knew from my old Christian school. 

The other friend gave me a heads up, saying the gist of, ‘don’t be so loud when arguing about religion, it can make people uncomfortable.’ and she was right. I knew she was right. But guess what my dumbass did? 

Defend myself.

It didn’t go over the top it was just a couple of words saying like ‘I was just talking to my friend not yall smh.’ Basically, being a douchebag and being blinded by my own rather fragile ego. For the rest of the class, it was almost as if a tiny wedge was driven between us (or maybe it was just for me.)

I’ve been thinking about this moment for the rest of the day, and I’ve realized a couple of things.

1) This wasn’t the first time I’ve done something like this.

Look - I’m growing up in a rather straight, white, Christian area. Emphasis on the last part. My parents are devout to the max, and so are my brothers and all of my old friends and such. I’ve basically been raised in white churches all my life, and guess what? Most of it has been pretty shit. But no matter how much I try to distance myself from the church, here’s the thing - I can’t get its words out my head. It’s been written into my DNA at this point TBH. It’s almost terrifying that I can still recite Psalms and Matthew and Luke and John - how I can’t stop myself from whispering prayers and crossing myself and sniffing my nose at people the Bible called unholy, including myself. To cope with all that, I end up making a lot of cracks at the expense of the Christian faith, like ‘Did God put us on this earth only to suffer’ and ‘This is proof God isn't real,’ and basically making fun of the creation of the earth with rude hand gestures and all. It worked for a long time, laughing off my own impending dread of mortality and higher powers. It did, but at the expense of what?

2) The things I’ve done are pretty fucked up.

If one of your friends came up to you and called your cultural beliefs bogus or laughed at you for not believing in God, how would you feel? They used to prepare you at church camp for friends that would try to stray you from the word. I used to laugh in the back with all the other burnout church kids, silently scoffing that I would ever be around someone that would turn me away from God. I could do that by myself pretty handily. But I guess that’s probably how my friends have felt the past couple of weeks, as I’ve been struggling with this stupid ass identity crisis. Bashing their religion in their face in the form of jokes used to be funny, but we’ve gotten to the point where it’s not. It’s overbearing, and it’s rude, and I’m still trying to figure out why it took me so long to hold myself accountable for this. I can’t even imagine what my friends, including that one particular friend, must think of me - ‘what drugs did she get on?’ ‘who is she?’. I’ve changed a lot, and not for the better.

3) Their isn’t any excuse that’s getting me out of this.

If you don’t know me, I’m pretty much the master of getting out of shit. I have this thing where I can almost immediately and pathologically make up a story on the spot and trick both myself and the listener that it happened. Of course, I’m not that shitty of a person that I would use it on anyone I cared about, like friends. Usually its used to either A) get more points on a homework assignment B) trick my parents into thinking I got a higher grade on said homework assignment C) Acting class/improv. Thinking up excuses to getting myself out of tough life situations - It’s what I do. But this? There just isn’t an excuse. 

I could bring up my rather harrowing experiences with the ‘contemporary’ Protestant Church, or my dilapidating mental health, or my stressful school schedule for influencing me in this situation. But no matter what, It had nothing to do with being respectful. I’ve made it a habit to respect other people’s identities, whether we’re different genders, sexualities, races, and religions. I’m fine with everyone’s existence online and in person, but recently, I see a rise in inward prejudice towards Christianity. And I hate that this is happening, because I really don’t want to make anyone Christian uncomfortable or unwelcome. This is not who I am at all - I accept people. Christianity is no different. They didn’t ask for the people in their churches who hurt other people in the name of the Lord, they didn't ask for all the toxic people. Their are good Christians and Bad Christians, just as their is Good Atheists and Bad Atheists. They shouldn't be judges and ridiculed senselessly for who they are and what they believe in. They’re good people, through and through, just trying to peacefully believe and love in the same way everyone else is.

And that’s fine.

You see, it sucks, when it hits you - that you can’t blame anyone else for the position you’re in. This was all you, rather consciously or unconsciously, and now it’s your job to make this right. 

4) I don’t like the person I’m becoming.

I think I’ve known this for a while now. I’m pretty self aware in my observations of myself - I know when something is up. I’ve been feeling really off for a couple of weeks now, but I tried to rationalize it as lack of sleep or stress. To be honest? It’s sad. At the beginning of this year, I was a content student acing their classes and reading books and just enjoying creating things. Now I’m what the kids call ‘afloat’, tired, stressed, and scooping the last bits of inspiration out of my hollow body. I don’t know how I got here, when it started, but I know that the persona I’m putting on as this rather bitchy, doesn't-give-a-fuck girl isn't me. I give hella amount of fucks, and its sad, but its true. I care deeply about what other people think of me and what I think of other people. And maybe that’s the root of this whole identity thing - this year I wanted to change myself into someone unrecognizable because this was new, I wanted to be someone that didn't give a fuck. I wanted to not care so much. But I do, and that just doesn't go away. 

I didn’t want to hurt anyone through my flippant jokes. It was all quite subconscious, something I just kinda accepted as apart of myself. I didn’t expect a couple of ‘harmless’ jokes to weigh on my conscience this bad.

That doesn't change the fact that I hurt people and made them feel uncomfortable. So obviously, something’s about to change. I’m not about to sacrifice the relationships with other people for my own ego and self righteousness. I know that I’m better than this, that I can change, but how?

5) I’m going to be better.

I know what I need to do. I need to find my way back to the person I was, reconnect with my roots. Maybe I’ll go back to the church, try to find the love and passion the people before me did. Maybe I won’t. But I know, I’m going to need more open and honest about the things that matter, not the things that don't. That's going to be tough. I need to start relying on people, even teachers (though my problems with authority are extensive.) I need to apologize to the people I’ve hurt, whether on purpose or not, and try to fix the relationship. I need to examine my vocabulary and throw out any negative and/or degrading terms that hurt people in any way, shape, or form. I’m going to start doing things that motivate me and make me want to be more than just myself, and I’m going to start thinking about my future. I have the power to change myself for the better, and though I know it’s going to be slow, and awful, and just really, really hard, I’m up for a fucking challenge.

6) It’s okay to struggle with yourself.

I’m going to be real with you. This year, there has been so many nights where I’ve just been so low and done with everything. (NOTE: I would never try to hurt myself or off myself or anything like that, so don’t worry about me on that front.) I just didn’t care enough to do anything but sleep and think. I wondered if I had enough pieces that fit, enough energy to pick myself up again. But here’s one thing this and cheesy commercials have in common: It will fucking get better. It really does. You might be at your lowest low and decided to sleep it off, and maybe it won’t be better by the morning, but you’ll feel better than you did before. And that’s really the point, isn’t it? Trying to feel a little better every single day. Take everything in steps, small steps - and you’ll see how big they can get. I know there’s probably some people out there who are struggling with the same things I am, and I applaud you for still being here. You are so strong, brave, and wanted here, still alive and kicking. You’ve already taken a step if you still feel your pulse in your wrist, your heartbeat in your ears. I want to challenge everyone reading this post, whether it be five or five hundred, to create a track for yourself. Do something every day that makes you feel more alive, more in touch with yourself, something to help someone else. Keep yourself healthy and alert, and be diligent. Take time for self care and self reflection - whether it be a Netflix marathon, or a facial, or a fucking Buzzfeed Quiz night at your local coffee shop, GIVE YOURSELF SOMETHING BITCH!! Whenever you cross a milestone, TREAT YO SELF! CONGRATULATE YO SELF! YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT YOU BEAUTIFUL WANTED HUMAN BEING! ANd ALWAYS REMEMBER!

- You have a beautiful community in your schools, work, and life that want to listen to you.

-You have a beautiful community online that wants to listen to you/

-If you think no one wants to listen to you, I promise you, they do.

-If you’re starting to feel as if it’s too much and no amount of people’s ears can help, PLEASE visit these sites and/or talk with someone, preferably a counselor, a trusted member of your family/friend group, a therapist and/or psychiatrist, or someone that can get you more help. It’s perfectly OK to do this with help; in fact, I highly recommend doing this with people on your side that care about your wellbeing and your mental health. 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/#sm.0000umetzxw2vf8jy0l17w57ovxfb

https://www.1800runaway.org/

https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

Anyways, thank you for reading this and please share it if you found it useful. Don’t forget to check the FAQ if you need some context or you have some questions. But if you want to reach out to me for a questions, concern, and/or help, I will be responding to all direct messages and comments as long as they are courteous. Thank you again for reading, have a great night:)

FAQ

1) Why did you put this on the internet?

This whole thing was really making me sick to my stomach, and I don't have anyone here that I would be able to safely talk about this too. Also, I find honesty is so important ESPECIALLY on social media, and it was time to really open up to you guys and show you what I’m struggling with. Hopefully this could help other people as well.

2) Why not just say it directly?

At the moment I don't have a cellphone, otherwise I totally would. But I promise you the next moment I’m alone with my friends, I will talk to them and apologize for everything I put them through.

3) Are you reading into this a little too much?

Probably, to be honest. But this moment really set me off and helped me realize the change that needed to happen regardless, so I’m overall OK with it.

4) What if your friends are reading this lol....

Uhhhhhh I know one of my lovely friends follows this tumblr. I love her to pieces anddd I kinda hope she doesn't read this because I wanted to talk to her about it in person but if she does, hi and sorry for indirecting you on Tumblr sksksk ILY you’re an amazing friend.

5) Are you like...OK.

I’m actually feeling really good right now. I think I really just needed to talk about what was going on in my life to someone, and this did the trick. Let me reiterate, I am not suicidal or self harming, so please don’t worry about me on that front.

I’ll add more as they come along lol but THIS IS IT THANKS>

[collapsedsquid]

Promise not to kill anyone? After losing election, TX judge wholesale releases juvenile defendants

After losing his bench in a Democratic sweep the night before, Harris County Juvenile Court Judge Glenn Devlin released nearly all of the youthful defendants that appeared in front him on Wednesday morning, simply asking the kids whether they planned to kill anyone before letting them go.

“He was releasing everybody,” said public defender Steven Halpert, who watched the string of surprising releases. “Apparently he was saying that’s what the voters wanted.”

Waiting for this to be used in a statistical study in 6 years showing it was a net benefit.

[disexplications]

I would not be shocked. Years ago I read a bunch of papers about the juvenile justice system (I wish I could remember where), and found that every single traditional sentence/intervention is counterproductive. However punitive they are or aren’t, they all involve putting teenagers who have committed crimes in the same place as a lot of other teenagers who have committed crimes; it’s not too hard to figure out why that’s a bad idea.

[loveofdetail]

the tags on this post are a fucking gift:

[elizathe-creator]

holy fucking shit you guys

i live in this county

andddd some kids from my school went to court yesterday for stabbing some kids almost to death at a party

i swear to god, if they got that judge

[elizathe-creator]

emo music from 1999 - 2009 will never stop being relevant

[elizathe-creator]

lmao life update:

im currently having some family/electronics issues. ive been getting some bad grades in school and i smashed my phone oN ACCIDENT so everyones really mad at me at the moment. im taking a step down from social media until thanksgiving at the latest so i can address these issues and just get my life on track. ill be posting a lil bit on ao3 and here, because they’re the only sites i can access rn, but that’s it till thanksgiving. so sorry to anyone im leaving high n dry because of this. it’s been really rough over here and i need to handle everything in my life once and for all so i can channel my undivided attention into my show and my story. 

thank you all and i will update you if im able to post anytime soon.

love, 

ya girl, your main bitch, e

[equalistmako]

FINALLY.

[equalistmako]

[equalistmako]

it’s been 10 years

[himbobisexual]

bitch did they answer??????

[pbeltarts]

some leakira doodles

[elizathe-creator]

love thisss

[roskii]

“vote red if you love women!!”

Your president raped woman. Who raped a 13 old girl in 1997. Your Republican party is made of rapist and child molesters.

“Vote red for poc!!”

Your president is ripping Mexican families apart, putting them in camps. He ruined children’s lives. Some are MISSING AND POSSIBLY DEAD. Black people are getting murdered on the streets and Trump rather tell us that white supremacists are “good people”

“vote red for trans right!!”

Trump and pence wants us DEAD. We are raped and murdered at high rates (especially trans woman of color) if a law passes, we loose rights. We loose housing and medical. If we’re murdered it’s not considered a HATE CRIME.

Vote blue. Only blue.

Vote red? You got blood on your hands.

VOTE BLUE

[roskii]

“vote red if you love women!!”

Your president raped woman. Who raped a 13 old girl in 1997. Your Republican party is made of rapist and child molesters.

“Vote red for poc!!”

Your president is ripping Mexican families apart, putting them in camps. He ruined children’s lives. Some are MISSING AND POSSIBLY DEAD. Black people are getting murdered on the streets and Trump rather tell us that white supremacists are “good people”

“vote red for trans right!!”

Trump and pence wants us DEAD. We are raped and murdered at high rates (especially trans woman of color) if a law passes, we loose rights. We loose housing and medical. If we’re murdered it’s not considered a HATE CRIME.

Vote blue. Only blue.

Vote red? You got blood on your hands.

VOTE BLUE

[deadcatwithaflamethrower]

people I still want to stab over a decade later:

Creative Writing Professor at a former college: Welcome to creative writing! By the way, you will not write fantasy, ghost stories, pranormal, or science fiction in this class, as this is a creative writing course.”

[morgynleri]

What the ever loving fuck is with “creative” writing professors who think that speculative fiction of any stripe ISN’T CREATIVE?

[thebibliosphere]

I still remember my own creative writing teacher telling me this because he saw the Terry Pratchett book on my desk and got this smug smirk on his face like “aha, gotcha”. He had the nerve to pick it up and call it “popularist fiction”, like somehow being popular and easily accessible made it less inherent in intellectual value.

I had it in my back pack because I did my final thesis on the evolution of mythology and folk tails into fantasy and sci-fi and the societal importance of telling stories (before anyone asks, no I don’t have it, I lost it when I moved continents), and I used Terry Pratchett because there wasn’t a single humanitarian issue the man did not touch on.

Which I told him. And then he kind of floundered and went “ah, well but, it’s…well I mean it’s not exactly high brow”, like neither the fuck was Shakespeare or Dickens you self-important turnip. Dickens was literally selling his stories by the chapter. He was the popular author of his time. Shakespeare was too, he fucking made up words and phrases all the time because the language he needed to express himself didn’t exist in the way he needed it too.

Intellectual elitism is nothing more than a hold over from class warfare and the belief that only certain people should get to be truly educated. And it needs to be smashed.

[warchived-deactivated20230329]

Ian and Mickey’s reunion in Shameless 9x06, “Face It, You’re Gorgeous” 

[softestvirgil]

I am just Virgil. I am not “Virgil the fandom overlord” I am not intimidating or scary, I am not extra special. I am just a really anxious nonbinary person who escapes real life to come on tumblr and talk about their hyperfixations. I’m not better than anyone here just because of my follower count. There are some amazing fanders that don’t have many followers, but they are still just as amazing. We are all here for the same reason, because we like Thomas and his content. We all contribute in our own ways and each way is just as important and meaningful. I follow every fander blog that I come across, I could care less what their follow count is, I just know they are in this community and that they are cool people. We don’t need some divisional hierarchy here, there’s too much of that every where else. We are all equally amazing and special. I don’t care if you have five followers or seven thousand. It makes no difference. We’re all just people and no one deserves to be put up on a pedestal just because of a number. No more of this “fandom overlord” stuff. We are all equally fanders/famders and all of that stuff just devides us. It makes the ones who get called that feel uncomfortable and it makes the ones who don’t feel less than. You are not less than. We are not better, no one is better. We are all equal.

[charmingsides-deactivated201904]

You said it, Virgil. Thanks for this, honestly. We are equal.

[vividaway]

i rly hope my post didn’t make anyone feel like they were on a pedestal, or that someone wasn’t more important.

[boomkid-deactivated20200108]

lance in a messy/bright primary colors kinda aesthetic !! if that makes sense