Eluvinn

On a journey to get better.

[eluvinn]

Grief and Goodbyes

Grief is a funny thing.

Even if you expect it, prepare for it, or brace for it, it can still knock you down like it's nothing. I wish that I could cry right now, but maybe that is where all of that preparing and bracing for the end was going to.

Something I've been losing for months is gone, and I don't know what's more painful, the decay, or the ending.

Grief is a funny thing. It can show up as lyrics you've heard only a few times to a song that you don't know, but the emotion is the part that hits you. It's something that hits you the moment you start laughing. It is something that has been around my whole life. A comforting presence in many times, but not a friend. There was grief as I finally got a decent job and my own place. It's a daily battle, but some days are better than others.

I lost a lot recently, and whenever I look at something that we used to do together, I lose a little more. We will see what of that loss can be found again, if it can.

Everything ends doesn't it? It feels like the wrong time, but it always would have.

I think this is the last time I am going to write here, I have a life to get on with after all, and my cat is starting to bug me for being down.

I hope you stay well. I hope you are happy.

Goodbye

[eluvinn]

It's all happening again, almost exactly how it did before.

Same problems, same talks with almost exactly the same responses.

I feel like everything I do just makes it worse.

I just want things to be better, but a part of me knows it was over a while ago.

I would say that I hope not, but I don't have it in me to hope anymore.

Not now, not after last time, not after I've been beaten down for the last few years, not after I've been repeatedly shown just how replaceable I am.

But all I've done is fight for hopeless causes, I'm still here right?

[eluvinn]

Everything seems to repeat, and I think I've finally lost the hope that it will get better.

[eluvinn]

Anniversaries are weird.

I got a notification that I made this account a year ago recently, which was the worst time in my recent life.

About a year ago I lost one of my closest friends, found out the friend that I moved in with was as toxic as they boasted, and moved back into my parents house.

It took me a while to figure out how bad both of them were making my life and running my mental health into the ground. I've also found out a lot about myself that I wasnt able to explore with them around since I didn't feel safe.

Turns out I don't need friends like them around, since I have better friends around now, though some of them need to be unbrainwashed.

I didn't think I would get better at first but here I am.

[eluvinn]

I haven't said anything here in a while, and it's because I'm doing well actually.

It's still rough when I think of what I've been through, but I'm much better than when I left where I was. I felt like I was a problem and was the issue, instead of the stress of the world and work building up, and the signs of yet another close person leaving me mixed with me not having felt safe in my living situation for around a year hadn't been affecting me. It upsets me when I do think of those two, and I've not only accepted not talking to them, but have deleted their contact info. It's a little hard, but I can see who they are and what they did more long term now, and with my more supportive friends I can actually grow, instead of being in my room any time I wasnt at work, being afraid to go into the living space where I lived.

I've still yet to have my own life start, but at least my life for others has been able to slow. It's a long path to stop being somewhat codependent, but when I was shown a bit of affection after growing with nothing good, I was a bit doomed with that to start. I still can't trust just about anything, but maybe somewhere down the path I'm headed I'll find a me that can believe what others say about me.

[eluvinn]

Been seeing things getting better, still looking for a job, but I dont get to get an entry level job without experience, and my internship doesnt seem to count as such.

I have come to terms with my lost friend, and have been able to have days and nights without thinking of them.

Had a birthday recently which went decently enough, and a friends birthday that went even better.

Several things leave a sour feeling for me and I'm working on those, but this coming month isnt looking too bright as it is.

Money issues suck.

[eluvinn]

I might be getting a job soon!

I hope so, but after several months and 3 interviews with this place, I am now just waiting on their decision.

I just want to have a job so I can traverse this capitalist nightmare. To get the ability to live my own life for once.

Wish me luck I guess.

[eluvinn]

Will there come a time when I can watch these movies and not be reminded of the time we spent together?

When that time comes, will I be relieved, or will I miss a time that i felt you?

Maybe the time will come because you are here again, or maybe because others will be there to comfort me in ways you no longer can.

You are still here, but not the way you were. You are with me always, in the sadness and pain of your absence.

But where you left, others have come and shown me kindness and acceptance. Since you've left I've been able to look inward and find out more of who I am, and I can show it without fear of rejection for once.

[eluvinn]

OMFG can we collectively get our shit together so we can be rid of this virus!?

[eluvinn]

So I watched "Sexy Beasts" on netflix, and every episode noticed the same trend. The show starts by saying it was a show about getting to know someone's personality without their looks involved. Every single reveal, the person is yet another attractive person. The show that says it is looking past appearances has solely chosen contestants based on appearances. Needless to say I was disappointed that they had the chance to help people who need it, but chose to help people who don't.

[eluvinn]

I spent the first part of the day telling myself that I should work on the project I wanted to start. After a few hours of that I did start, and proceeded to spend 5 or so hours working on it with no breaks. I even thought to myself about leaving it to tomorrow, but went "I'll just do that next short task."

As a result, I didn't eat much today and my feet hurt a lot. I'd probably still be working on it if it wasn't dark out.

This isn't abnormal for me, but I only learned some of the vocabulary within the last few months, and have been too depressed to experience a hyper focus for a while. Even little things have succumbed to executive dysfunction recently, but I made something.

Maybe I will post a finished project later.

[eluvinn]

It's a bit rough, but I made a box.

[eluvinn]

I spent the first part of the day telling myself that I should work on the project I wanted to start. After a few hours of that I did start, and proceeded to spend 5 or so hours working on it with no breaks. I even thought to myself about leaving it to tomorrow, but went "I'll just do that next short task."

As a result, I didn't eat much today and my feet hurt a lot. I'd probably still be working on it if it wasn't dark out.

This isn't abnormal for me, but I only learned some of the vocabulary within the last few months, and have been too depressed to experience a hyper focus for a while. Even little things have succumbed to executive dysfunction recently, but I made something.

Maybe I will post a finished project later.

[eluvinn]

Anyone know why when I'm in less of a depressive episode I have more audio/visual hallucinations? I'm not on any medications, but I probably should be.

It is pretty likely that I might be schizophrenic, and maybe it is just me being so numb to everything during an episode, but I feel like I've been seeing a lot more moving shadows and such as I'm recovering.

[eluvinn]

My friend left to go across the country this morning after coming to see me. I am anxious for them, as they are going alone, and the world is a dangerous place, especially for trans people. I know they are tough and can deal with what is thrown at them, but I'm still worried. I hope they have a good time without issues.

We are in an odd relationship, but I kind of like it. Like friends with benefits I guess, though we haven't had any kind of conversation about it aside from them saying we aren't dating. They said they love me before they left, and that I was really special to them, and I reciprocated, as I've been thinking the same as them for a bit it seems.

My life is picking up in regards to learning about relationships with people, but I need it to pick up in regards to finding a job soon. I am enjoying the learning, though it is odd since my brain is all kinds of wonky.

[eluvinn]

I've started watching stranger things.

I would be able to enjoy it more if there wasn't so much light flashing. Some of the most exciting and action filled scenes I have to look away because the flashing messes with me.

Just another thing that I can't enjoy fully because I don't have the accepted neurotype.

[eluvinn]

Had to spend the day moving things around to accomplish the job of a bottle of drano.

Otherwise things are going decently enough I guess.

Figured out last night that I have audio, visual, and vestibular processing issues. I knew the first two, but just got the word for the last one, which gives me the sensations of being lifted and spun and other similar feelings.

Anyways, I have a cat picture here I thought was cool.

[eluvinn]

I've seen several post before about neurodivergents and people with mental illnesses being tired of people saying they are there for them but leaving when they show the symptoms of those things.

I wish I had saved some of those posts to have examples, but hadn't realized that that was a large part of what was happening to me.

We're tired of people saying they are there for us, but then turning on us when we withdraw from our depression. Or being treated like we are trying to mess things up when we have burnout and meltdowns.

At this point I'm just tired.

[eluvinn]

I found one of them.