Revival. Reset. @em-two-point-oh - Tumblr Blog

Mary Oliver (from In Blackwater Woods)

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I am the youngest of five children and the only girl in the family. In one way, I was the baby and the princess. But on the other hand, I was also the one who got the most teasing and yes, a bit of bullying But nothing that should concern the social worker. It's normal sibling stuff being that were petty and annoying now that I am looking back at it.

Both my Mum and Dad worked full time. My Dad worked in the big city, hundreds of miles away from us so he can provide for us. He would go home on holidays and weekends. We were staying with our maternal grandmother. She was an angel, and she looked after us during hours when both Mum and Dad are away.

My Nanay, as I fondly call my grandmother was also the referee of most of the silly fights I and my brothers would have with each other. When it comes to my fights with my brothers, she would break it off and then she would console me.

She would comfort me and tell me, "Stop crying now. The more they see you upset, the more satisfied they will be or the more they will trigger you. You should just ignore them." It was drilled on to me for many years. And I love and respect my Nanay so much, but now that I am older, I think those well-meaning pieces of advice formed much of how I relate and communicate now with other people.

I would avoid conflict as much as I can. I would hide my true feelings. If someone at work is throwing the punches at me, I won't let them see it; my poker face game is strong yet I would ruminate over these things for days. I don't handle conflict well or people in authority. I just try to lay low.

It's not really serving me well, at all. I think I need to change this mentality. I need to give myself permission to find a new way of resolving things and facing conflicts head on, instead of being in constant internal turmoil. Nanay was wise and I have no resentment towards her. After all, she was a woman who lived through a war. Maybe for her, that was the way to survive. Be quiet and endure.

But I think I have habits I need to unlearn from the past.

Slowly, I need to grow out of these beliefs and habits.

I have registered to this six-week program of working out for three days each week, at least 30 minutes a day. I have managed to stick to it, but I also have not gotten rid of my old bad habits.

In a way, I feel like I am loving and caring for myself, and the next day, I am self-sabotaging in some way. By self-sabotage I mean watching too much TV, not getting enough sleep, eating lots of junk food.

So it's not been a continual progress as I hoped and imagined it to be. It really does take a lot of patience and determination, and self discipline (!) to parent myself and to stop myself from indulging too much.

Am I being a perfectionist? Am I being too hard on myself? Am I too hard on others?

I often ask and think about this. I guess it was my upbringing. Always being expected to excel at school and be the nice, perfect girl. Always being given the role to set an example, and being given the teachers the privilege to correct other students, or to feel like I am always better than the rest of them. Which is not right. Which is why I am thankful that I went to high school where I was the top dog. But also, it meant I had to grow up so fast so I can look after myself, within limits.

This morning, my flatmates left again the empty tissue canister instead of throwing it straight to the bin. It annoys me and I cannot understand it, and I have made it my role to bin it when I am doing my own bins. Does this make me a fault-finding perfectionist?

This time, I just left it there. I feel like it's not my role to do it and it wouldn't be the death of me. Let's see if any one of them will care enough to throw it away. I wonder though, how I can deal with this, is there a better way?

worshipgifs

I still need therapy.

I self-discharged a few weeks ago from therapy because of cost reasons. I couldn't maintain it given the new challenges I am facing. My therapist gave me a lot of worksheets to work on and I thought I was doing fine.

I'm still not okay.

I've been reading books too that seem to help. But the weakest moment for me is when I wake up and my defenses are down.

I think I need to be accountable to myself. I think I need to be ready for this when the trigger comes. I need to stop lying to myself and trying to change the narrative of the story.

Life is unpredictable. Love is complicated.

I have spent the last couple of years fighting battles and demons I never thought I would have known. I started this year feeling more optimistic that this year, it's going to be my turn-around year.

But you can never really let your guard down. When you are in the middle of overcoming one hurdle, something drags you and wants your attention, telling you, 'you cannot forget about me.'

The past sometimes cannot be easily left alone. Especially when you run away from it. Now it's catching up with me and I am finding it hard to breathe. I thought I had things under control and I can begin again, but maybe the lesson learned here is you need to be accountable for the choices you made. Another good one is to not let someone be the centre of your universe, that when they go away, your universe is shaken.

No one should be that powerful over your life.

Except God, who is loving, forgiving and merciful. Only Him you can trust.

Suddenly I have turned Biblical. The thing is, the last few weeks have brought me to my knees and I don't know how I will go on or where I will get what I need, but I am learning again to pray like a child.

I am tempted to turn to my old ways and old comforts, but those have harmed me and so I cannot trust them.

But God? God is ever changing. God is ever-present.

I was angry with God and I grew distant. I couldn't and still can't, understand the struggles I have faced and I am facing. I must have grown too distant because I cannot hear His voice most days. So I turn to prayer, I draw closer. The anger is still there but I am trying to forgive. With every passage I read from His love letters to me, it feels like I am getting to know again an old friend. Right now, He is that friend who doesn't say much but you know you can count on. His silence is no longer frustrating, but instead comforting and healing. I'm finding it hard to trust Him, but do I trust my ways that have lead me astray, or shall I put my faith on the God of peace and the Creator of the Universe.

Life is unpredictable, love is complicated. But God isn't. And so I point my compass back to my true North, His love, His Word, His plans.

Life goes on. We go on bravely.

goodnight, world.

crushculdesac

amargedom

“Close some doors today. Not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere.”

—

amargedom

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

—

thank u,love u.

It's becoming a new habit of mine now to say 'Thank you, Em' or 'I love you, Em.' And it feels so lovely and sweet.

I know how cheesy and cliche it sounds but I think this is part of my journey right now.

I say it whenever I do myself a loving and kind deed. Whenever I bake, cook and nourish myself. When I finish a workout. When I take my vitamins and medications. When I read, pray, reflect and journal.

It feels good to take care of me.

Permission slip

My mind and my bdoy have been in a roller coaster ride since last year. Last week, my mental health took a nosedive causing me to bury myself under the duvet the whole day. shut myself out from the world. If I peek out, I would just do it just to let out a quiet scream to a friend to let them know I am suffering. It doesn't matter that they cannot do anything about it, I just wanted the company to my misery.

A nosedive, it quite was. I reached out to people I shouldn't have reached out of. And funny how all this has been precipitated by some good news and good wishes from a friend. She got engaged, and wished and hoped that the same would happen for me in the future. I was already in a battle to make the day win at that point, but when I heard it, I let it broke me. And there I was, in a dark dark place.

Before I knew it I had called him. Before I knew it he was asking again for what I couldn't give. And he was being persistent and arrogant again. I then sent two messages of warning to his new girlfriend telling her to make him stop whatever he was doing. In my mind, I was doing what I wanted her to have done, let the other girl know. It's girl code. Well, she's a bitch and I don't care what she does with what I told her, but at least she knows what he is up to. I never heard from him again since then.

There is this book that I am interested in reading. It is called 'The Body Keeps the Score'. The synopsis says that it talks about how our body absorbs the trauma and how it is manifested in our bodies.

And maybe that is evident to me. After that dark patch, I had body aches, tiredness and low mood. I kept telling friends I should probably go off sick at work. Why not, they said. But still, I persevered. I cannot disappoint work, I said. This is nothing, I said.

Then on my day off, my body finally told me to take a hint. I woke up with a sore throat and barely any voice left. I had a bad headache and cough to match. I tested myself for Covid but thankfully it was negative. I cancelled my plans and just recuperated for the whole day. The next day, I did the same but did some shopping as well for ingredients for recipes of my comfort food. I also ordered for test kits so I can monitor myself.

And finally, I called work to let them know I cannot come in. I cancelled my therapy session as well and let her know how I was feeling.

It's so silly sometimes. How being me, the youngest child, the overprotected and sheltered child comes out in these situations. She still aims to please. She still is scared of disappointment. She is still asking for permission slips.

I guess my past relationship also nurtured that side of my inner child. He protected me in a way and wanted to provide for me. But also, there was the stubborn and independent side of me that never suited him.

I think it is time for me to stop asking for permission slips. I give myself permission to be okay on my own, to take care of myself, to nourish and nurture me before anything or anyone else.

No more waiting for anyone to say OK. It is in my hands now.

Hi.

It's been awhile since I have been here. I have mostly kept my writing/ journaling to my yellow notebook but now I am resorting to tumblr because I want to type. I could have done it on One Note but it seems to be slowing down and I would keep deleting the last letter I have typed instead of moving forward.

Moving forward.

Two words that I am focused on right now. A phase that I am in.

I have been on quite a journey for a couple of years now. The highest highs and the lowest lows. And as my life unfolds day by day, it tells me that it has its own weight that I need to take on, has its own battles, has its own challenges.

The thing is, I am still letting go and shedding off my past and my old skin, but I need to face every new day. I am hurting and healing, but I need to show up for others and be gracious. But I have become this guarded person. If you do not show me the same willingness to interact, if I am losing, I will detach. I have learned in the past two years that I would keep on giving and accomodating and adjusting just to be thought of as enough, as good, as the best. But it has always lead me empty and hollow, and forgotten and abandoned. So right now, I am in the phase of keeping my distance, rebuilding myself and just maintaining boundaries. I have had enough shit thrown at me that I just want to keep all the drama and shit that other people have at bay. I cannot be bothered. I want to focus on me.

But it is seen as being selfish. Or indifferent. Apathetic. Distant. Cold. Uncaring. I think I am going to lose a lot of friendships. And I have also tried reaching out for and testing the waters, but I am not ready. My love tank is quite dry these days. I have also deleted the dating apps. I have deleted, by far, three apps now because I know I am just bullshitting myself seeking compliments, attention and validation. But also, I feel like I am hurting myself putting myself in a position of being vulnerable when I am still very much broken. And also, I am just scared that I am going to hurt someone else. Again, I feel like I have nothing to give.

Then there's the issues and drama at work. I left my previous workplaces because I just want a work life that has less drama, and I can just easily leave work at work. But I guess it is true that you are going to meet the same person in different personalities until you have learned your lesson. So what is the lesson to be learned?

A. I think I have an issue with authority? haha. I feel like this stems from when I was a child always being the teacher's pet and being expected to be the best and I cannot make a mistake because everyone's eyes is on me. So my response has always been to shrink so I can just be invisible and no one will pay any attention to me. I can just stop trying to be the best. Which is well problematic, because I internalise everything and take things personally even if I try not to. And then I will try to be non confrontational which is another problem. Because I should learn how to address the problem head on and be assertive. But where and how do I start?

B. I always have high expectations of me and myself. I am confident but I don't like being questioned. Also, my old workplace had a completely different work culture and I unknowingly brought some of it with me and I need to shed it off.

C. I am still dealing and healing my own personal wounds so I really don't want the drama or to do anything to make it bigger, so I keep to myself but this has been misunderstood. And I am expected to say something but really, I think I should just let it rest? Although they do have a point that this is a matter of clearing up my name perhaps?

D. My former manager Carole, her voice is always echoing in my ears. Never trust anyone completely at work. Which is true. But sometimes I am gullible and would like to believe otherwise. But all the time I am proven she is right. So I have to balance and learn how to be professionally friendly but not naive and too trusting.

I still do not know what to do. I think I will just go talk to my manager on Wednesday and try not to dwell on it till then. And also accept the fact that people would have already started talking and making the issue bigger. I will tell her that I learned my lesson that I should have escalated the issue to the seniors with me that night. OK. I think that will address it.

Other things. New room. I love my new room so much that I rarely want to leave. And I am just enjoying my new bedspace too much and snuggling in it. Then there is the shared bathroom/ kitchen thing. It was so much easier at Flat 16 with the girls. Here it is so unpredictable and impersonal but at the same time you have to consider when everyone is using the facilities because it is a small space I think, I now realize for 5 strangers. I still curse my agent silently for telling me this was an all girls flat, and that there was just 4 people in it when in fact there are five. Someone also spends too much time in the toilet. They did come up with a system of writing down their schedule to use the toilet/shower. I haven't put mine in. First because I work long days/ nights so I will do it before or after anyone else's. But it's the spontaneous calls of nature that are hard. Specially when someone is luxuriating on the high water pressure of the shower. But all that said, I also know that I am barely a month in, and I should be patient. But I also know in myself that I cannot last long like this. Haha. I at least might need an en suite, or a friend next door. Although I am still enjoying my own company.

So that's it for now. I had a good cry earlier because I realised that my past is still pretty much affecting how I look and deal with the present, and it hurts so fcccckkng bad. But I felt better after a good cry. And then I watched Adele and cried some more. That woman is my Queen. Hahaha. Anyway, planning to explore the park tomorrw and then maybe hit the gym if it's still too cold.

I am going to sleep now feeling better because I have written my thoughts down.

goodnight.

stevenrosas

When things go wrong, take a moment to be thankful for all the other things that are still going right. And if you’re struggling to be thankful for what you have, be thankful for what you have escaped. Sometimes the best gifts in life are the troubles you don’t have.

amargedom

“I think it’s important to realize you can miss something but not want it back.”

—

I miss you. But you don’t have to know.

Dear Nanay, My Love

Dear Nanay,

Happy 100th birthday. I bet you are having quite a party there in heaven. With Coke, pancit, and chiffon cake. Maybe some leche flan and ice cream,too. And some embutido! I am imagining you having a party, smiling ear to ear while you chat with your friends and family up there. It would be endless chit chat and reminiscing I bet.

I wonder if you do still think about us here, Nanay. I wonder if you miss us like we miss you? But I don't really mind. It is just a curiosity. How people we love do and feel in heaven. Are you in heaven, Nanay? I pray that you are.

I miss you Nanay. There is never a day I do not think about you. Especially because most of my passwords and accounts are inspired and clued into your name. I think it was my way, five years ago, for me to immortalise you. When you passed on, I wanted to carry you wherever and never forget your smiling face. I have been to lots of places now and have met so many people, but no smile is ever as warm as yours.

Your embrace was home to me. I can still remember looking forward to going home and you'd be there, with your embrace and your kisses. No matter how old and big we have grown up to be, we become like little children in front of you. Eager to sit with you, and laugh and you would quietly pat our knees to get our attention. Or how we would sit with you as you watch your favorite teleseryes. How your eyes would be glued to the screen, and even if you were already a bit hard of hearing, it always seem to sharpen up again when you are watching shows.

I am smiling as I write this, Nanay. Because all those little memories are alive in my heart, and though you have passed on, you have never left nor will you ever.

Sometimes, I'd go home after a tough day at school or work, and you would be so sweet to kiss me, or just pat my hand silently. Sometimes, you would let me lie with you on your bed and just be a little child cocooning with you. Those were the sweet, olden days.

Can you see me, Nay? Sometimes I wonder what you would say or what you have said to whatever I do or did. Sometimes, I can feel a look of pity and you wanting to comfort me. But never a heavy glance of judgment. I can always imagine you looking down on me with a smile, with a prayer, with grace and hope.

The family has grown Nanay. And we all tell them stories about you.

Someday, when I would have a child of my own, I will bless her with your name or something akin to it. Yours and mama.

I love you Nanay.

Always,

Nene

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