i hope you have nice things to say about me to the love of your life.
i hope someday they ask you about your past lovers and you tell them of the girl that wanted to set the world on fire.
i hope a smile draws on your face when you think of the girl that looked so sweet you could eat her (that's what you told me, once). and then you'll shake your head and chuckle, your hair falling over your face as memories fill your head.
they will look at you and urge to keep telling them. who was this girl? you will get out your phone and show them a photo of me you kept after all these years: i had my hair long and blonde, and there was happiness in my eyes where now there is sadness. you'll show them and say that i loved too hard.
you'll tell them about the girl that loved too hard, the girl that tried too hard, the girl you so desesperately wanted to see succeed, and the girl who never did. you will tell them, hopefully, how every time you turn on the TV, you're secretly hoping to see her. you're not in love with her, no, i don't think you ever were, not like she was in love with you, but there is something about her that makes her impossible not to love.
the love of your life will stare at my picture and start to love me too, because you told them about the time i almost killed a man that was mean to you, and you tell them how i always stopped and talked to every cat and dog we encountered and their eyes will shine.
and then curious, or maybe confused, they will ask you why you left me.
and i hope that despite the truth, you have nice things to say. i hope you say we weren't meant to each other, even if we tried. i hope you say i tried, even if it's a lie. i hope you say it was for the better, even if it wasn't. i hope you say i deserved better, even if i didn't.
i still have nice things to say about you. i think about them constantly: the way you held me; the way you kissed me; the way you talked to me and about me, as if i were a goddess, as if i were beautiful; the way you laughed, how your eyes disappeared and the way it was so loud all your neighbors could hear; God, the way you made love to me, i swear i will never be that close to heaven; the way you believed... you believed so much, and i'm so out of hope...
i loved you. i don't think you still love me (if you ever did) but i know that i still love you, and that is my terminal disease. every thought of you takes my breath away, and if i die today, i will die thinking of you.
and if i die ten years from now, i will die thinking of you.
i hope you still have nice things to say about me. and if you don't, then let my death for you be the only one.