Thinking about Trans!Emmrich again.
How he fears talking to his parents corpses. He knows that his parents were good people in life, knows that they loved him very much. But he fears if they would recognize him.
Recognize him as their son, not only because of the decades that have heaved upon his shoulders but because they called him a different name when he was young, hiding behind his mothers skirt. Would they look at him any different? Would they recognize him as their son?
His mother always brushed his hair, first thing in the morning before rushing off to cook in some nobles kitchen, kissing him on his brow before leaving. Then she would bid his father goodbye, giggling as he dipped her before pressing a tender kiss to her lips.
His father never taught him how to shave, but he remembers watching him. Sitting close when his Papa put the knife to the short stubble. It quickly became a game that young Emmrich would remark upon another grey hair in his fathers beard, until he lifted him up and tickled him. One day he had giggled and pretended to shave his own non-existent beard, mouth opening in mock shock when his father acted as if he found a grey hair. "If you come after me, you'll have your first by 30."
Emmrich found his first grey hair when he was 24. His hair was tousled and disheveled when he looked into the mirror in the morning, a fact he tried to get rid of as fast as possible, when he spotted it; silvery grey on ink black. The first was on his up and coming facial hair that he had very much refused to shave, wearing it with a boyish pride that only the young ones possess, silvery grey in the middle of inky black. Then he found another, lost in raw wonder, right above his ear, located where he had to turn his head just so to see it.
Tears had welled in his eyes running over smooth skin, as he stroked his beard, wondering if he looked more like his father now.
Then he had remembered the greys on his fathers beard as he watched his broken eyes look right past him and suddenly this joy turned into fear. Death could be right around the corner.
When he looks at the mirror now, a face with more wrinkles gazing back at him, he could not possible count all the grey strands in his neatly pomaded hair anymore.
I suppose I now bear more of those than you were fortunate to have, dear Papa.
Over the years, Emmrich remembered how much his parents loved each other. With a heavy heart that yearns for wings, he wishes for his own true love.
Mama, I wish you were here to tell me what to do.
He had many lovers over the years and he hoped every time to be the one they were searching for their entire life, despite being proven wrong every time. No matter how many poems he recited or how many kisses he gave. Even gifts could not keep them close to him.
They left for various reasons. Some because he was too much -too obsessive, too talkative, too fearful, too much in love- for others he was lacking.
There was only so much potions and surgery could do and while he looked at himself with pride in the mirror, after years of working to look like himself, not everyone did.
All lustful eyes and roaming hands until they stopped at his vagina, expecting a bulge where none was. Granted, some were taking it better, a short surprised look flickering over their face before they continued- yet being obviously relieved when Emmrich takes over pleasuring them- , others... worse, as mouths curled and eyes narrowed.
"I have a cock in my drawer," Emmrich says hastily, desperate to keep the beautiful woman sitting between his open legs close. "It is imbued with runic enchantments and will-"
"But it is not the real deal," she sighs as her eyes travel to his face, resting there for a second before getting up from the bed and beginning to get dressed. "It would have been too good to be true if someone as pretty as you had a nice cock."
She turns at the door, barely being able to look at him. "Good luck."
No one stays. What makes it sting even more is that even if there are various reasons that are uttered to him, Emmrich cannot help but fault himself for it.
Passing over the threshold of his 50s he has given up hope altogether, resigning him to being a bachelor and he stands in front of his parents graves telling them that at least he found an assistant now. Manfred, the delightful wisp. For a while its only them.
Vibrant, younger, seemingly unafraid no matter how many odds were against them and oh so tactless at times. Emmrich wonders how they manage to be this indomitable as Rook laughs away fear and pain and leads their team of problem stricken professionals against elven gods.
No, he did not imagine to fall in love with them.
Without caution and sense he falls so deeply, that it shocks him in a way that he had not dared to imagine. And for some reason, Rook does too.
Something in him heals when they kiss for the very first time.
Joy mingles among his anxieties. Rook is fearless and stubborn and very much hanging at his every word whenever he spoke but time has dulled only some sorrows and rubbed others raw.
Emmrich distracts them when they are intimate. Kisses that leave Rook breathless underneath him, his touch following the lure of their moans and whimpers and his mouth, which had become very skilled over time, descending on them until Rook becomes a mess.
He does not stop until Rook has come several times and is fast asleep next to him.
But Rook cannot be stopped forever. One day they ask him. "Is there a reason why I cannot undress you?"
The tone is light yet something in Emmrich clenches in fear.
"Darling... are you not feeling satisfied? Shall I find other ways to pleasure you?" His mind races with possibilities. Maybe a toy from his drawer could do the trick or even a new form of play, one that leads Rooks mind very far away from such questions.
But Rook is Rook and eventually and they find out. It happens in the heat of the moment, that he lets them undress him, hoping and wishing that this time will be different. And miraculously it is.
Rook hesitates a moment, then looks up at him. "Is that why you didn't want me to go down on you earlier?"
Emmrich nodds, heart heavy. Rook had looked hurt but hadn't said anything.
"Because you don't like being touched there or because you think I wont like it?"Rooks voice is thoughtful and even. Calmer than they are most days. Some part of him wants to take charge of the situation again, mend anything before it could break, reassure them that he will always pleasure them but then Rooks hand caresses his leg and Emmrich heart flutters at the gesture.
"I would hate to force you, darling," he says, breath hitching.
"You are not forcing me." Rook sounds appalled at the mere idea. "Do you think you would be forcing me?"
Something jumps in Emmrichs stomach and his mouth falls open. He nods. "Yes..." Understanding passes between them and Rook kisses away a tear.
"I will bite all those people that made you feel like shit." They huff and wipe away a tear from Emmrichs cheek.
Arousal and Adoration. It flows all over their face and nearly blinds Emmrich in sweet shock. Before he can say anything they keep on talking.
"Actually, I think that you are the prettiest man in Thedas. No, wait. Actually also outside of Thedas. What I want to say is, I am so feral about you, I touched myself twice before coming here. Because of your stupid pretty grey hair and brilliant mind and how you cock your head in that particular way and how you fuck me until I feel stupid. Because not getting my hands on you drives me mad and if I can bring you pleasure in any way I want to do that."
Both are silent for a moment before Rooks sighs and adds:
"So the only thing I need to know is if you want me to go down on you or not. And if you want me to, if its also okay to put my finger into you."
Rook is earnest, as they always are. Bold and loving. It is alarmingly disarming and Emmrich feels a part of his fear melt away, as if Rook was slowly unraveling his properly managed threat of well kept sorrows.
"I do," his voice shakes both with longing and anticipation. "And I think I would enjoy that."
"Good," says Rook with twinkling eyes and a ravenous smile. "Then I will feast on you now, my love."
As Rook descends down on him, their mouth hot and eager, Emmrich feels something in him start to mend. Maybe it will never heal all the way but he knows that Rook will keep him safe.
They try many things over the years and get used to each other in the ways that lovers do. But not all intimacy is born from sexuality. It is also formed in countless hours of warm, hushed whispers exchanged in the dead of night. How Emmrich tells Rook of his parents, of his fathers grey hair and his mothers laugh lines. He tells them about his past and his wishes for the future and when he cries Rook kisses away the tears.
Rook puts oils and salves on his scars and tells him all the things they love about him. They call him handsome and arousing and brilliant. They remind him to take his potions and yell at any person that could sneer at Emmrich for any reason.
Both of them visit his parents graves every week and tell them about their life.
One day, when they get married, both Rook and Emmrich cry as their friends and family cheer.
At night, when they lie together slotted against each other, Emmrich tells Rook about his fear to corpse whisper his parents. Rook holds his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles, right next to his new wedding ring, before answering.
"That is your decision to make, my love. But... I will be here if you need me and hold your hand. For what is worth, if your parents had just a fracture of your heart, they will love you." They pause to gaze into his eyes, steady and reassuring as always. "After all you are their son, dearest. Nothing will change that"
Emmrich kisses them, happiness and fear mingling. As they fall asleep, he thinks.
Maybe he will try, maybe he will not. But no matter what happens, Rook is there beside him and that will always give him strength.
Mama, Papa, I hope you know that I am loved as I am and that I know you love me, too.