One year later…
Today marks one full year of being single! A year ago at this exact time, I was probably drowning in tears, trying to understand how someone I loved for 5 years could walk away so easily. I remember thinking the pain would never end. I remember feeling like I would never fully be okay again.
And yet.. here I am. Full of whimsy, enjoying my time, and surely feeling like me again.
I didn’t think today would affect me as much as it did. I thought maybe I’d acknowledge the date and maybe feel a little weird about it, and then move on. But instead, it brought up way more emotion than I expected. Funny enough, my friend even had a story for me involving my ex today… as if the universe wanted to make sure I remembered exactly what this day meant.
If I’m being honest, I felt it. Not in the same way I did a year ago. Not in the all-consuming, world-is-ending kind of way. But in a quieter way. In the kind of way where sadness just sits and lingers in your chest with nowhere to go.
Because the truth is.. I don’t want to carry this sadness anymore. It’s so exhausting!!
It’s so easy to act like I’m over it. Easy to laugh, go to work, keep busy, and build a life that looks fine from the outside. But underneath all of that, there are still parts of it that hurt. Because one random day in April last year, someone I loved decided I was no longer worth fighting for.
And maybe what hurt most wasn’t even the breakup itself.. it was the lack of explanation, the lack of honesty, and the lack of respect.
After 5 years together. After all the patience I gave, all the forgiveness I offered, all the times I chose understanding over anger.. this person still could not give me the dignity of truth. He flipped a switch one day, decided he was done, and left me to make sense of the wreckage on my own. Cheers to him, I guess.
So that’s what I’ve mourned most this past year.. not just losing him, but grieving the realization that someone I loved so deeply did not love me with the same depth, care, or sincerity.
Still, if this year has taught me anything, it’s that loss is not always loss. Because yes, I lost a relationship.. but I also lost the anxiety. I lost the constant uncertainty. I lost the version of myself who was always waiting for reassurance, always trying to earn consistency, always hoping someone would become who they kept promising to be.
And at least he is no longer betraying me. At least I no longer live in fight-or-flight because of his choices. At least I no longer have to shrink myself to keep someone comfortable enough to stay.
So today is bittersweet. And anniversaries really do reopen wounds you thought had already scarred over. But even so, I would rather grieve what I lost than go back to what broke me.
One year later, I’m still healing, learning, and still letting go.. But I am no longer begging someone to choose me. And that alone is proof that I already won!
