BEYOND PAPER

always be kinder than you feel.

[empathetically-speaking]

The past week, I’ve been feeling some type of way… I mentioned it to my therapist this past Tuesday, and she pointed out that we have a full moon in Aquarius today. My moon. Perfect for a personal release. So tonight, I release you.

Dear you,

Thank you for some memorable five years of my life. Thank you for showing me that I can give love and devotion, the way I did with you… whether it was fully reciprocated or not. Thank you for allowing me to see bits and pieces of you that no one had ever gotten to see before — the good, the bad, the pure hearted version, and the silly goofy you. Thank you for being my first love. You taught me so much and you opened my eyes to so many new things. You also taught me that I should never abandon myself in order to love someone else, especially someone who wasn’t willing to take accountability for the hurt they caused.

I’m still hurt because I carried so much of the emotional weight during our relationship. I’m still hurt because of how deep into it I was and you were just not there with me, even when you claimed you were. I’m still hurt because I kept hoping that if I loved you enough, things would finally change. I’m still hurt because I showed you the deepest, most vulnerable parts of me and you disregarded me when you learned that you finally have no control over me.

But I forgive you. I forgive you for choosing yourself. I forgive you for not being able to meet me where I need you. I forgive you for the dreams we talked about but never got to live. I forgive you for the hurt I still carried after we ended. I forgive you for the times I felt unseen, unheard, or unchosen by you. I forgive you for not becoming the partner that I needed. I forgive you for teaching me that love alone isn’t enough to build a healthy, faithful relationship.

I loved you deeply. And I will always be grateful for the version of me that was capable of loving that fully.

Our story has reached its final chapter. I release you with love, and I choose to keep walking toward building a life so full that my future is no longer defined by my grief, but by the joy I’m creating for myself.

Thank you for what we shared, even if we remember it differently. Thank you for the lessons we learned.

Goodbye.

[empathetically-speaking]

The past few months have been a reminder of just how quickly life can change.

A month ago, we said goodbye to Tita Baby. Everything was so sudden. The grief hit different this time. Bittersweet, but I’m happy that my brother and I got to be there for her in her last few months. While losing my aunt has been difficult on its own, it also brought back so many emotions surrounding the loss of my mom. It’s funny how grief works sometimes.. one memory leads to another, and suddenly you’re laughing at a story from years ago while also missing someone deeply. And I found myself thinking about my mom more. Missing one person somehow made me miss the other even more.

In between all of that, life has continued moving forward. Work has kept me busy as I’ve settled further into my new role, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning, growing, and trying to keep up with the never-ending list of things to do. Thankfully, I genuinely enjoy being busy (most of the time!!).

Also, I’ve picked up a new hobby: golf. Am I good at it? Absolutely not (yet! I’m definitely getting there) But I’ve been having a lot of fun learning, spending time outdoors, and discovering that golf involves significantly more patience than I originally anticipated.

I’ve also found myself thinking more about the future lately. I’m becoming more open to meeting new people and putting myself out there a little more. I’ve been setting new personal goals and spending time thinking about what I want the next few years of my life to look like.

One thing I finally decided to stop putting off? Going back to school. So yes, I’m officially heading back to get my Bachelor’s. I thought I was okay with just an Associate’s. But I reminded myself that I promised myself a Bachelor’s back then. It’s been on my mind for a while now, and it feels good to finally take the leap!!

Overall, life feels full! Not perfect, not always easy, but full. There have been moments of loss, moments of joy, and plenty of ordinary days in between. And lately, I’ve been trying to appreciate all of it- the big milestones, the small wins, time with loved ones, the spontaneous laughs, and even the moments that remind me just how precious life is.

[empathetically-speaking]

One year later…

Today marks one full year of my healing journey! A year ago at this exact time, I was probably drowning in tears, trying to understand how someone I loved for 5 years could walk away so easily. I remember thinking the pain would never end. I remember feeling like I would never fully be okay again.

And yet.. here I am. Full of whimsy, enjoying my time, and surely feeling like me again.

I didn’t think today would affect me as much as it did. I thought maybe I’d acknowledge the date and maybe feel a little weird about it, and then move on. But instead, it brought up way more emotion than I expected. Funny enough, my friend even had a story for me involving my ex today… as if the universe wanted to make sure I remembered exactly what this day meant.

If I’m being honest, I felt it. Not in the same way I did a year ago. Not in the all-consuming, world-is-ending kind of way. But in a quieter way. In the kind of way where sadness just sits and lingers in your chest with nowhere to go.

Because the truth is.. I don’t want to carry this sadness anymore. It’s so exhausting!!

It’s so easy to act like I’m over it. Easy to laugh, go to work, keep busy, and build a life that looks fine from the outside. But underneath all of that, there are still parts of it that hurt. Because one random day in April last year, someone I loved decided I was no longer worth fighting for.

And maybe what hurt most wasn’t even the breakup itself.. it was the lack of explanation, the lack of honesty, and the lack of respect.

After 5 years together. After all the patience I gave, all the forgiveness I offered, all the times I chose understanding over anger.. this person still could not give me the dignity of truth. He flipped a switch one day, decided he was done, and left me to make sense of the wreckage on my own. Cheers to him, I guess.

So that’s what I’ve mourned most this past year.. not just losing him, but grieving the realization that someone I loved so deeply did not love me with the same depth, care, or sincerity.

Still, if this year has taught me anything, it’s that loss is not always loss. Because yes, I lost a relationship.. but I also lost the anxiety. I lost the constant uncertainty. I lost the version of myself who was always waiting for reassurance, always trying to earn consistency, always hoping someone would become who they kept promising to be.

And at least he is no longer betraying me. At least I no longer live in fight-or-flight because of his choices. At least I no longer have to shrink myself to keep someone comfortable enough to stay.

So today is bittersweet. And anniversaries really do reopen wounds you thought had already scarred over. But even so, I would rather grieve what I lost than go back to what broke me.

One year later, I’m still healing, learning, and still letting go.. But I am no longer begging someone to choose me. And that alone is proof that I already won!

[empathetically-speaking]

My heartbreak anniversary is coming up! Lol so I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, of course. Wouldn’t be me with all the reflecting and overthinking hehe

There was one thing I wished for during that chapter of my life: that I wouldn’t become bitter. About you or about myself. And honestly, I didn’t. Even when you disrupted my peace a few months ago.

I didn’t speak badly about you (ok, maybe a liiitttlleeee but honestly you deserve it). I spoke honestly about your behavior and what it did to me. If that makes you look bad, then… that’s a reflection of your actions, not my words.

Sharing my experience isn’t bitterness, it’s clarity. It’s naming the patterns, the choices, and the behavior that crossed boundaries and disrupted my peace. It also dysregulated my nervous system. Bad.

Sometimes I find myself still trying to mask some events that took place when I talk about our time together. So when I catch myself, I remind myself: I’m not responsible for protecting your image when your actions showed no regard for my well-being.

[overclassy]

[empathetically-speaking]

mom's birthday

i've been feeling a little sad lately and it feels like i don't know why. and sometimes i don't know what to do with my emotions lol. maybe that's why i'm in therapy?? anyways! while i was working today, i noticed the date.. which made me think about tomorrow. my mom's birthday. it would've been her 60th. and if she were still here, we would've had a grand celebration, i'm sure.

then the sadness sank in. because in the midst of all that i am going through, i seemed to have forgotten that her birthday is coming up. and i wish she were still here.

the past year, going through my grief with heartbreak, i found myself wondering about how my mom would've shown up for me. and it makes me sad when i think about all the milestones of mine that she has already missed. like graduating college, falling in love, finding my big girl job, getting my heartbroken, healing from said heartbreak. and even my brother's milestones! this guy promised her that he'd buy a house and so he did, before he became an RN at that. she's missed so much of what we've become.

we often hear she’s watching us from heaven. and maybe she is. but it’s not the same. and truthfully, it’s not always comforting to hear. because she should be here.

also, would my mom have fallen in love with kylo? (she was scared of dogs hahaha)

maybe that’s why my heart has felt heavier this week. grief has a way of circling back quietly, even when you think you’ve learned how to carry it. but really, it just changes shape.

if she were here, we would’ve celebrated big. instead, i’ll celebrate her quietly... by remembering, by loving deeply, by continuing to grow into the woman she raised me to be.

happy 60th birthday, mama. i miss you every day. and i think kylo would've won you over. (your sisters are obsessed with him!!) ((my aunts are also scared of dogs))

[empathetically-speaking]

To the ghost,

My therapist told me to write you one last do-not-send letter. So here I am.. I’ve been thinking about you a lot this past week, you’ve been haunting my thoughts again. When will you ever leave? I knew that you would linger, but could you linger less? I shouldn’t be thinking about or putting energy into someone who is most likely not thinking about me at all. But there was something in the air this past week that just kept bringing my wonderful brain to you. But don’t worry. I do not want to get back together with you. This is just what happens when you build habits and spend 5 years of your life with someone.

As much as I wanted it to be you, I am so glad our chapter has ended. With you, I was constantly anxious… I was often worrying about if you were talking to other girls behind my back. (You were.) My mind stopped becoming calm, even when things were good between us. I had this constant thought of, “is this too good to be true?“ when things were good. And it got to the point where I just let myself get used to it- the actions of you betraying me.

We had some really good times and I will always cherish those memories, so I thank you. Thank you for setting me free, I am no longer in constant fight or flight mode. Thank you for letting me go. I am now on my way to someone who respects me and listens to (and also hears!) me. Someone genuinely proud of me. Someone who actually has concern for me when I’m not feeling well and someone who enjoys my delulu-ness. Someone who enjoys hanging out with me, attending events, and loves being big backs!! Someone who has a positive and encouraging mindset… because he knows and recognizes that I have huge dreams! Someone who respects my time and appreciates my energy. Someone who doesn’t drain me. Thank you for setting me free, because the Lord knows I never would’ve and I would’ve kept trying to fight for us… because I loved you that much. But it’s over now and boyyy am I so happy. I’m thriving in life and in my career! My relationships are flourishing and I’m having so much fun. And I can’t wait to see the rest of my life unfold.

[empathetically-speaking]

Often, I am reminded that I’m a good person. By my family, by my friends, and other, random extras in my life haha. And it’s not like I ask those people to tell me or remind me… they just come to me and automatically express their gratitude and appreciation. I think it’s so beautiful and so heartwarming because in this season of my healing era, it’s so so nice to be reminded!

I was on the phone with my Auntie Inday over the weekend for an hour, and she expressed to me how grateful she is for my brother and I. My Auntie Baby has been struggling with her health and my brother and I have stepped up to assist her with her dialysis treatments every night- on the nights that my uncle has work. Every week since my uncle has gone back to work, I’ve been sorting out Auntie Baby’s medication into her pill box, it’s been harder for her to keep up with that stuff. I noticed that some pills would get mixed up and then she’d be all discombobulated because of it. Thankfully, we noticed a change in her energy once we started taking over that stuff!

Auntie Inday was tearing up on the phone.. Expressing her concerns about her older sister, telling me she wishes she could be here to help us out, and she was reminded of what she had to go through with my grandpa in his last years and what I had to go through with my mom. She said it’s like I’m doing it all over again, but this time for Auntie Baby. And she’s so grateful that we’re able and willing to help out.

She also told me that I remind her of herself. Which was very heartwarming to hear because I’ve always looked up to her since I was little! Always taking care of things and everyone’s go-to. And she said that I’ve become that- she’s seen how I handle things with grace and that she knows all of my cousins go to me whenever they need a little extra love or just someone to listen to… “even the older ones.” lol

And it made me feel so good!! Like wow, I am such an amazing person and I am so loved. I’ve got so much love inside of me and all around me! And I’m so grateful to be here and thriving. TYJ 🤍

[empathetically-speaking]

10:15 pm

I'm currently doing laundry and trying to tidy up in my bedroom for the new year... but I had the sudden urge to write. I randomly thought about my ex. I saw a Tiktok earlier that said, "in a few days, we are entering a new year where you and I didn't exist in together." That tugged at my heartstrings a little! As much as I am hurt and angry with him, it still made me sad. Because I truly did love him. And it sucks that he had to turn our amicable breakup into a disrespectful one. I wish he had never reached out after Thanksgiving, I wish he had just disappeared into the abyss of exes lol I tried my best to ignore him but something had that guy spiraling and I just had to say something back. It was literally harassment. He reopened this wound but now I think of him with anger and disgust- probably what I needed though. I was always wearing rose-colored glasses when it came to him.

I've been feeling very free and magnetic. Content. Because I no longer have to deal with his inconsistencies- he was always so hot and cold. I've been moving with intention and protecting my peace. I've also been very present with those that mean the most. And I'm so glad the holidays are almost over!! I've been busy... our new program at work finally went live so I've been helping support our staff, I hosted our yearly family Christmas celebration, and squeezing in Friendsmas into our schedule. Work has been going so well, I start training my new position in a few weeks- this girl is finally going to have her own office!! ;) Overall, I've been doing and feeling great! And I'm so excited for what 2026 will bring me.

[empathetically-speaking]

No one talks about the anger and disappointment that comes from watching someone you loved turn cruel.

I did everything “right.” I stayed calm. Respectful. I didn’t drag his name, didn’t start drama, didn’t explode. I tried to make the breakup gentle, amicable.

But his mask dropped- condescending remarks and immaturity where there used to be softness. An attempt to make me feel smaller than I ever was.

That’s what stays with you.. not how it ended, but the disrespect. Because when someone tries to make you feel small, it says so much about how small they are. There’s something kibd of sad about people who feel “powerful” only when they’re tearing down someone who’s just trying to keep the peace.

And as for karma? His karma is that he is himself.. and he has to live with that every single day. Bonus points if he starts to bald.

[empathetically-speaking]

I’m slowly starting to forget certain things about you. And thinking about you less. And it makes me sad, like it feels wrong. But it submits to my healing. It validates me in the moments where I feel like I’m not making any progress.. and I’ve actually made so much progress! But it’s scary and bittersweet. Because there were so many good memories but there were also plenty bad memories.

I’m also finding myself finally accepting the truth. You were only mine for a moment, and that’s okay. I’m happy where I am now.

[empathetically-speaking]

I saw you today, from a distance, and… it didn’t hurt anymore :’)

Boy am I SO GLAD!!

[empathetically-speaking]

Making peace with the silence is such a weird thing. But it's kind of fun. I'm enjoying not having to please anyone and not waiting for anyone’s response. But sometimes I do miss it. Sometimes I miss having someone to tell every little detail of my day to. Now I just keep it to myself or tell my friends when it's really big lol I'm so grateful that they like to listen!

Truthfully, I'm finding this strange relief in knowing that it's over. I held on for so long and shrank myself to be loved and accepted, so it's nice to finally put me first. It was inconsistent and I feel sad for myself that I let that happen to me. I just hope that his new person doesn't have to feel that way too or experience what I experienced with him.

[empathetically-speaking]

My therapist told me to stop romanticizing my ex and to write down all of the bad stuff.

He really was fucked up to me.

I didn’t deserve any of that.

[theambitiouswoman]

Rejection triggers obsession because your brain interprets it as pain and tries to solve it by chasing the very person who caused it mistaking their approval as the cure for the wound

To put it plainly, they aren’t the love of your life :)

[empathetically-speaking]

I miss you a little less now

[judgejudyofficial]

good morning it's don't crash out Thursday where we try our hardest not to crash out. on Thursday