Mind and heart in chaos and synchrony

[enchantedthoughtsss-blog]

I have been reading. A lot. How-to’s, lists, personal experiences. On all sorts of topics but mostly on me deserving so much more than what I have been getting from you. It’s funny because you meet most of the things on that list, yet I fail to see through them. What’s so special about you anyways that I would ignore all these telling signs? 

You have no time, you cannot deal with it because you have more important things to deal with first. I get that. I really do. I am not asking you to put me on top of your priority list. Never will I want to be. I just wanted you to act upon your statement that I am important to you. But apparently, I am not. It’s silly how I held on in hopes that things will get better eventually. That each day will be a start of a new beginning for you. I wanted things to get better for you because I thought that by then, I will have your time and attention. Why must I fight with your priorities in order for you to value me? 

We all have shit we deal with every day. Battles we struggle to survive in. Every day we come out of it either victorious or defeated and still get up in the morning and face said struggles. I’m supposed to give you the leeway all the time? I am concerned about your feelings, yes I am. Genuinely. But I have extended too much and do not deserve your halfheartedness. It’s already difficult to be in such long distance, you’re making it harder. 

So enough is enough. 

[enchantedthoughtsss-blog]

I am a contradiction of many sorts

I want to be important yet I do not want to care about the person. 

I want to be remembered yet I cringe when I get too clingy, then I pull back. 

I want to be loved yet I do not want all the nasty and emotionally clad things that come with it. 

I want to be the sole object of your affection yet I always think that you have others. It’s scary how I can cook up demons inside me when there was not even one in the first place. 

I want to be alone in my solitude yet I crave to be surrounded by people some days. 

I am not brave enough to go to a foreign land yet I am dying to experience such. I have such fears and doubts that i want to kill. 

I care for others’ mental and emotional state yet I cannot care enough for my own. 

I am contradiction of many sorts so tell me, can somebody love such? 

[thequotestub]

—“Marriage can wait, education cannot.” - Khaled Hosseini

(via thequotestub)

[thegoodvybe]

[nothingwithoutwords]

do not love me like you loved her and expect me to stay

women are not cut from the same mold // shelby leigh (via nothingwithoutwords)

[enchantedthoughtsss-blog]

Here’s to the men who broke my trust

To you who I was always holding out for. You mattered to me, even when you broke my trust the first time. It took me years to get that out of my head, to get you out of my system. With one hello from you, I was back there again. To who I was 3 years ago. I told myself, keep him at arm’s length, he has no right to invade your thoughts the same way he did back then.  Yet, there I was, ashamed of myself, ashamed how easily I gave in. And there you were. History repeats itself. So here’s my message to you, I am done. This time for good. my trust has been broken, shattered and powdered that I don’t even know if I can see you in the same light ever again. The light that came in when your name pops up, has now become the darkness I want to rid myself of. Goodbye, K. 

To the one who I have shown my vulnerability to. I guess it would be moot to say that I thought you were different. I guess we all turn out to be the person that we say we wouldn’t be, huh? You were one of my treasured friends, and I thought maybe I was one of yours. Until you didn’t say a word anymore. I have forgiven your hiatus twice, even when your reasons why you stopped speaking to me was in fact, invalid. I lost a friend but I have gained the knowledge that people will change their mind overnight. Your reasons are not mine, and I, the same. Goodbye, B. 

To the one that I thought was going to happen. I took a risk, I did. I met you that one night and I was really glad that for that brief moment, you wanted to see how I was as a person. But just like everybody else, you have your reasons that you don’t have to justify to me. I just would have appreciated it if you didn’t allow me to just “take the hint” just like what you have done to the previous ones before me. I have told you that I wanted the rejection to be said upfront so that I wouldn’t have to wonder why because honestly I have been doing that for a while now. It’s exhausting. The guessing game eats up my brain in a way that makes me feel I am not worth taking a risk for. I may not have been the person you thought I am, a truth that I would have rather heard from you. You broke my trust by not saying anything. So with this, I bid you farewell, B. 

I had so much to offer, so much care and love to give. You didn’t give me chance so I will not give you one either. 

[quotemadness]

I’m starved for connection, not attention.

Unknown (via quotemadness)

[poems-and-word]

[different-landscapes]

[enchantedthoughtsss-blog]

Please don't occupy my thoughts if you have no plans of staying.

[lovelustquotes]

[books-n-quotes]

It’s only terrible to have nothing to wait for.

Erich Maria Remarque, Three Comrades (via books-n-quotes)

[books-n-quotes]

I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.

Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (via books-n-quotes)

[enchantedthoughtsss-blog]

I ran out

We talked, constantly. Telling each other about the stories we never get to tell other people. Realizing within ourselves that thing we never get to admit on our own and out loud. Like how I like being alone not because I’m lonely. But because my soul craves to find the peace within me despite the busy outside. 

How you told me you had plans to shift careers and how scary that must be to drastically change what you have been so accustomed to. For that brief moment, I thought you exposed yourself to me, with no hesitations. I thought that for once after a really long time, I saw through you. I saw the man you have become after the time we were apart. 

I guess I have always seen the good in people and refused to see the red flag indicators that say I will get hurt after all this. I guess I never have thought of you as the one lacking, I have always thought it was me. Had I not aged and learned anything, I would have allowed that idea eat me from the inside out. But I am no longer that girl who fell for your swooning words and your promises. I have become better, wiser. 

See, I have noticed that anything done and said in happiness and ecstasy has a tendency has a tendency to wane in frequency. The hype just dies down after a while. I have seems this plenty of times and it seems that I haven’t learned. I have given out second chances to people who end up wasting it and never really appreciate it. I thought they did. I was quite sure within those few months, weeks, days that they did. There were some signs sure, I ignored them since they were probably nothing. I didn’t want to read into those things that much. 

Turns out my gut was telling me all the right things. Handing out second chances, for me, has always felt so liberating. Not because I want to be liked, or have plenty of connections. But because I want that person to be in my life, still. But just like everything else that is inevitable, I have run out of second chances No more fucks to give because honestly, I am done with being fucked over and over again. It’s exhausting. 

So old friend, I bid you farewell. I may see you on the streets one day and no, I will not pretend that I don’t know you because I do. In fact, I know you too well that I will not spend too much of my time to look your way. Not anymore.

[enchantedthoughtsss-blog]

Your Time

2 am. Rooftop. You. Me. My coffee, your tea. Your hurt, my pain. Our hearts on our sleeves. Our thoughts exposed, vulnerable. You tell how many times you have killed the demons inside by the pill. I tell you how many times I have laid on beds of men that touched my body until they have had their fill and afterward tossed me aside. I tell you this is me, all of me. No reservations, no holding back. Flaws, scars and all. You don’t look at me yet you say. “I know. That’s why I went up here with you. I chose you. Flaws, scars and all.” 

[astound]

today’s mantra | credit 

[astound]