I’m gonna elaborate on a fart-related thought I’ve been contemplating recently. I didn’t share it before because it’s one of those story ideas that are less about sexy fart fixation and more about story/world implications. Also, the subject matter can be a bit sensitive considering the parallels to legitimate health conditions. Still, I wanna get these thoughts down, so I might as well see what people think about them.
What would happen if there was a virus/illness that, after infection and recovery, made people gassier?
This may seem like a silly idea, but as most people are likely already aware, its inspiration is real. Many viruses/infections/illnesses can affect people long after they are actively “sick,” sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently. COVID-19 has left many people with long COVID symptoms, polio causes paralysis, measles resets the immune system, and yes, some stomach viruses can leave people with IBS and food sensitivities. Gut bacteria can change after an illness, which means an illness can change how the gut functions and what it can digest.
For the sake of this thought experiment, let’s set some ground rules about this entirely fictional illness.
1) It’s not a direct mutation/version of a specific existing illness; essentially, it’s a gastrointestinal virus that’s so unique that we can classify it as “its own thing.” It is very contagious, but similar to most stomach bugs, it is only caught through contact with fecal particles and/or contaminated surfaces, so it can be contained. While it is very contagious during the actual “sick” period, it is much less so after recovery, but more on that later.
Also, for this story, this virus is relatively “new.” One of the reasons that it spreads as much as it does, and there’s as much scrambling to deal with it as there is, is because there really hasn't been anything like it before. This world is still trying to learn what to do about it.
2) The symptoms of the actual “sick” period vary, but they’re not severe. There will be a low fever and a period of intestinal distress, such as cramps and possible diarrhea. It’s not pleasant, but (and this is important), it’s usually not as bad as the really nasty stomach bugs, like norovirus. It’s inconvenient, but may be mistaken for a cold combined with eating something that didn’t sit well with you. This leads into...
3) It is not fatal. No matter your age, sex, state of your immune system, etc., this will likely NOT kill you. The most dangerous this can get is maybe the initial fever (although it’s low) and providing a dehydration risk due to getting the runs during the actual sick period, but even then, it’s not severe enough to be an actual threat.
4) The identifying side effect of catching this illness is that an absurdly high number of people who recover from it get really gassy. It could be classified as a form of IBS, but honestly, it’s more like anything and everything can make them fart. Their gut bacteria gets razed during the “growing pains” of the initial illness, and in their place is a legion of new bacteria that ferments basically anything into farts. Normal food will make them fart, and typically farty food will make them REALLY fart.
5) For most people, these side effects are inconvenient, annoying, and even embarrassing… but not debilitating. Bloating pains can be a bitch, but they can be managed with regular release. In fact, for some people, it can be an improvement if their previous digestive system was somehow less desirable than one that makes you fart all the time. Certain food insensitivities are “reset” if they’re confined to the digestive tract, so if a certain food made you shit your brains out pre-illness, it will only make you fart like a horse post-illness. However, almost anything will make you fart like a horse post-illness, so you win some, you lose some.
This last point is important, as it provides a source of conflict in how this world would handle the illness. Because on the one hand, it’s a contagious illness that almost certainly changes people’s digestive tracts for at least a few years (possibly forever; it remains to be seen). That feels like a significant threat.
But… is it? The illness is avoidable with proper hand-washing and sanitation techniques, so it’s not like it will shut the world down. Also, its mortality rate is practically nil, so there isn’t that fear behind it. As for the farting… well, people have differing opinions on how much of a tragedy it is to get those side effects.
And that leads into the big question: Would people try to catch this illness intentionally?
Statistically speaking, at least some people would try. I’ve been on the Internet long enough to know that some people would jump at the chance to be eternally farty. But there are so many implications that would follow. Would these people start searching for those who are actively sick and try to get infected? Would they seek out people who have recovered and are fart-altered, and have unprotected anal sex with them, hoping for the (very low, but not impossible) chance that the infection will spread to them? Would they just live in hope and anticipation, waiting for the news to announce that there’s a higher risk of encountering the illness in their area?
How would the world reorient itself after the advent of this illness? Would public spaces and events be redesigned as more of the population has to handle needing to fart half the time? Would people become more forgiving about farts, with farts slipping out in public becoming as common as sneezing or coughing, or would chronic farters be judged as those who succumbed to the illness? Would people feel pressured to claim, truthfully or not, that their gas wasn’t due to the illness?
And the thing that some people fear the most: after so many infections and bodies to dwell in, will this virus ever grow into something worse?
… welp, now these thoughts are the Internet’s problem! Hopefully some of you find them interesting.
