Life Is What You Make It

Cynthia, female, 25. I'm interested in far too many things. I like to help people. I'm nowhere near where I want to be but I've come a long way from where I used to be, and I'm proud of that.

[enduringtiltheend]

Venting

My mom is in a treatment center. This is a really good thing... I'm glad she's there. But she keeps talking to me about hard things. Most of it I can handle, I've worked on my traumas and for the most part I can tell my story without it hurting. (I usually don't share because I hate it when people feel sorry for me, but if people ask I can share.) She shared a new piece of information with me about my brother. My brother had a porn problem and I knew. My parents had so many parental locks and controls in place and they still had to go through the computer on a regular basis to delete and wipe things. Well, I guess something he regularly looked at was incest... Brother on sister stuff. So she knew he was into that... Had caught him in the act early on in the abuse... Knew that he had impulse control issues and an anger management problem... And still did fucking. NOTHING. To protect me from him. Besides punish me, you know, to let me know that "having sex" with your brother is wrong. Fucking hell. I'm so angry. She was bawling while apologizing to me. Saying she didn't know what to do... But I don't understand how you do nothing. I don't understand how you can ignore so many red flags and not tell... At least a doctor, or something? Or a friend? Someone besides an LDS bishop. It's essentially a volunteer position, they don't get trained in shit. Which should have been obvious considering how badly the dude handled it! I'm also growing increasingly upset with my dad, who has this "it's nobodies business" complex. He also thinks therapy is a hoax. In her blubbering apology my mother mentioned wanting to have me in therapy earlier than I was but dad was adamantly opposed. I always knew he was a complacent guy... But knowing that he suckered my mother into complacency and silence ruffles my feathers. A lot. I just don't know what to do with this. Besides cry... I had a nightmare last night, and I don't even remember the last time I had a PTSD related nightmare. And it's stupid because it's not like this really changes anything. I haven't even spoken to my brother in nearly 5 years! But for some reason these tidbits of information have sent me reeling. It just makes everything that happened even more inexcusable. I'm so mad.

[enduringtiltheend]

I only ever check Tumblr when I'm not doing well. So... Hi. It's 2am here, and no one likes me, I'm unworthy of love, and I'd love nothing more than to get hit by a bus.

[thehopefulhello]

[insight-inspiration]

This

[enduringtiltheend]

I miss seeing yours posts. I hope you’re doing well

Thanks! ❤️❤️ Life is still hard, but I tend to cope better most of the time

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Everybody has a chapter in life they don’t read out loud.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[alive-still-need2live]

[enduringtiltheend]

I’m so scared to be living with my family again. I’m worried that my mom won’t respect my boundaries, especially the ones I set about my children being around my brother. 

I don’t have proof that he did anything to anyone else, but I have reason to suspect he did. (Research backs me up here. Offenders frequently re-offend.) My mom also tells me that he’s pretty controlling of his wife which happens to be an abusive behavior. I’m not so sure he’s changed much. And I DO NOT want him around my kids. 

Plus mom expects me to do chores and “help out” around the house. Which is fine, I’m more than happy to pull my weight in a shared living situation. But I also know how my mom is about chores and I am worried about her criticism and demands and how that’s going to effect me. 

I keep going back and forth between “It’ll probably be okay” and “Going back there is f***ing insane.” I just really hope it’s okay... 

[enduringtiltheend]

Please, call me out on my shit. But when you only do it when I’m calling you out on yours... not cool. =\ 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

It’s important to keep your feelings and your self worth in different places - because when your feelings get hurt, it shouldn’t change how you view yourself.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[katswenski]

[starwarsgraphictee]

WOW. Lmao

[chaston96]

All of that bullshit for this one gif are you kidding me

[pizzaotter]

[mae0x]

mental illness update: still mentally ill

[enduringtiltheend]

So talking to my therapist is horrible. I don’t want to open myself up for more disappointment. And I feel like a dickwad, because I know she’s only human and I can understand going through some stuff. I don’t begrudge her the right to take a step back and focus on herself. But the way she left me hanging that last time... that really hurt. And the fact that it was the 3rd time in the course of a year. I don’t trust her. 

And I don’t want to tell anyone about how I’m really doing because I’m such a burden and waste and no one really cares anyway. 

What really sucks about having experienced a short time in recovery is knowing that the things I’m thinking/feeling right now aren’t true and that I don’t have to feel this way forever. It just feels so deep right now. If that makes any sense at all. 

I want to self harm. I’m b/ping instead, but it’s just not scratching that itch. 

[mogifire]

Black and White painting  by Bob Ross

[boss-of-the-plains]

Still looks awesome

[stuffinspace-deactivated2017100]

bob ross is the most unproblematic of the faves

[crescentia-tamarind-deactivated]

All he ever wanted was to brighten your day.

[obsessivebiscuit]

[nathanvj]

where do i find a friend like this

[blergheois-deactivated20140604]

THE BEST PRO-ANA TIPS ON THE WEB!! 1) Turn off all the heat in your house and open the windows wide. Walk around in short sleeves and dip your fingers and toes in bowls of ice water every 10-15 minutes. This will do nothing to help you lose weight but it will help train you for the misery that anorexia brings in the form of being constantly cold. You are not allowed reprieve from this “feel the cold” stage as you will never be warm again until you recover. 2) Visit your hairdresser and ask her to pluck 25-50% of the hair from your head. While you’re at it ask her to over-process your hair with whatever chemicals she had on hand. If the over-processing makes you lose even more hair that’s even better. This step will get you used to the dry, brittle, falling out hair you’ll have once you’re nutrient deprived. 3) If you plan on purging you should visit your dentist and ask them to grind all the enamel off your teeth. While there also ask if they can pull out a couple of existing fillings. Your teeth will be wrecked soon anyway so you may as well get a head start and learn what it feels like to have super sensitive teeth once your enamel is gone. 4) Ignore all your friends. Don’t tell them why. Don’t do anything that would give them a chance to try and stop you from cutting them out. You will likely feel utterly miserable. Learn to expect that. You will feel miserable during every day of your eating disorder anyway. The loneliness is a key part of this misery. 5) If you’re in school you should throw away all your textbooks and order their equivalents in a foreign language. This stage will get you started on the cognitive difficulties you will suffer once malnutrition sets in. In a few months of anorexia you will feel like everything is in a foreign language anyway since you can’t read it because your malnourished brain has made you stupid. 6) If you have a job ask your boss to start withholding half your pay. With the amount of sick days you have once your e.d. is bad, you’re going to lose half of your pay anyway. This will help you get used to that. In 3 months you should quit your job with no backup plan. This will let you know what it feels like to be fired because your e.d. made you a lousy employee. 7) Throw away your calendar. Stop asking people their name. Leave your backpack and purse at home every time you go out. You need to learn what it’s like to live without a memory. As well as making you stupid malnutrition will rob you of your memory. Stand up every ten minutes to make sure you turned off the kettle/iron/tap. You know you are forgetful and you are anxious about that. Do this all day every day. You will soon forget why anyway as your memory becomes utterly useless. 8) Throw away all your moisturizer, body wash, anything that makes your skin soft and lovely. Like your hair you need to feel what it’s like for that to be dry and fragile. Think back to the last time you fell down a flight of stairs. With your malnourished body and skin you will feel like that every single day. You will wake up bruised and aching and scraped and you won’t know why. The answer is your e.d. The answer to all misery is your e.d. 9) Lock yourself in a dark room. Put up spotlights everywhere else in the house. Do not shower. Do not even wash your face. Play music that makes you sad. When it’s time for bed play a CD of a jackhammer. The ED will rob your ability to sleep well and you need to experience that. If all of this sounds like torture…it is. With this ED you will be sad, and scared, and panicked all the time. This emotional hell will rob you of the ability to do tasks as simple as brushing your teeth. 10) Write a list of every good thing you want out of life. Burn it. As long as you have an eating disorder that is all you will have. You will watch every good thing go up in smoke.

(via educating-ed)

[goodreadss]

“Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? …I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone, love me?”

John Green , An Abundance of Katherines (via goodreadss)

[metaphorformetaphor]

Sometimes I feel I have nothing in common with anyone. I shamble through the day, […] and each new hour with each new person is a cliff I can’t climb —

Freya Manfred, from “Nothing in Common,“ Speak, Mother (ed Dragonfly Press, 2015)